You change it!  No one will change it but you! Can we all the time expect people to change to make us happy?  I am speaking of everyone we encounter in our lives?  It will not happen. Make your life glorious! Keep and give yourself that inner peace that only you set the mode for! Be in control of your circumstances! Inner peace...







It has truly been a long hectic tedious heart wrenching and stressful week!  And I had to have some me time.  I called my bestie Scott to come over and cheer me up.  He had no idea of what has been going on in my life the past five days.  I felt that when we didn’t talk I was truly missing out on life.  He knew one of my main issues.  But all the other BS he had no idea. So he was on his way with a bottle of patron and two bottles of wine.  I had picked up some finger foods on my way home.  And I had told Scott that I was shutting my phone off while we hung out.  Ohhh How I loved my Scottie!  He was the realest friend a woman could have!  We went shopping, movies, plays, vacations and too many clubs and bars to recall!  Scott was a female impersonator and let me tell you that Ru Paul had nothing on him! He was simply gorge when he dressed as a woman! And he looked better than me! I told Scottie my front door would be unlocked and just walk right on in.  So when he walked in I was in the kitchen still setting up.  Ice bucket, glasses, wine glasses, food tray.

“Heeeeeeey!!!! I am here in all my flavor! I immediately smiled.  No matter what I am going through Scottie did that for me.  He twirled and winked his eye and then came over and kissed me on the cheek.  I hugged him tightly for a long time.  He then knew immediately when I did not let go there was a lot going on. When I had finally let go he looked directly into my eyes.  This is serious.  Come on beautiful and tell big mama what the tee is!”  I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  We carried everything in to the living room and Scottie went over to my stereo and turned on the surround sound, turned Pandora on and picked the smooth jazz station.  I had immediately started making our drinks. Scottie grabbed his drink. I drank half of mine down.  And I was thirsty. Naaaaw I was trying to hurry up with my inner self and get a buzz that would have me not think of what was going on in my life.

“Ohhhh I am sooo happy to see you!  You have no idea of what has been going on.”

“I know guuuuurrrl you know I have been missing our tae to tae and giving each other the tee. Now I didn’t call or worry you because I know your nerves were shot to hell. How is our Uncle Max doing?” I rolled my eyes up and took a sip of my drink.  I took a deep breath.

“He is good….much better. My eyes had started to water.  My Uncle Max was my favorite uncle.  And he loved Scottie! In fact Scottie has the hugest crush on my Uncle.  I thought that I would lose him….I took another deep breath and exhaled.  Uncle Max has let the stress of travel and his job along with that girlfriend of his lay him up in a hospital with a heart attack.” 

“Uncle Max knows he needs to come over here to the other team, you know the other white meat in reverse!! We both laughed and Scottie sipped on his drink.  We hung out and had lunch a week before he had that damn heart attack.  And he was complaining about everything!  Chile I told him he needed to take a break from all that mess that Sheila has been stirring in the pot.  That man knows he got enough coins to kick back and take some time off.  Hell he owns his own business. That Sheila is a piece a damn work and boo-boo chile don’t nobody got time for that! I don’t know why he can’t kick that ratchet mess to the curb and call her azz a cab!”  He rolled his eyes and shook his head and finished off his drink.

“I know, I know.  I have given up on that topic.  Long time ago.” He nodded his head yes.

“So what else has been going on?  Cause gurrrl I can see the stress on your face and I can see the luggage under your eyes. I am assuming you are ready to take a trip!”  I reached out and popped Scottie.  He flinched. 

“Work has been stressful.  They laid off and shut down three departments at my job and the work load has been heavy.  I don’t know if I will be there too much longer.  You know I just bought this townhouse condo.  And I may lose it….I could feel the lump coming up in my throat.  And to top that off I had an episode and had to go to emergency this past week.”  Scottie’s eyes bulged; he was taking a sip of his drink and stopped in mid air with his glass to his lips. 
“You had to go to emergency and didn’t call me to be there for you?  What part of the game is this diva?  This is not how we get down.  You know that no matter of what time of the day or night it is I am always there for you.”

“I know, I know.  But I am glad that you were not there for this one.” Tears had come down my face.

“Give it up, what happened?  Gurrrl you got me nervous like a hooker in church with gasoline draws on.”  I chuckled just a bit.

“Rod gave me an STD.” Scottie’s eyes bulged open again and he finished his drink off. He moved closer towards me and grabbed my hand and held it. 

“Look Melissa you know I love you Scottie said in a softer voice. But I try like hell to stay out of your business.  Well as much as I can.  You know I love you like no other in this lifetime.  When you asked me what I thought of Rod I told you.  And what happened?  You threw me shade and was pissed, peeved and perturbed with me.  Remember that?  I nodded my head yes.  We are better than that.  And there have been many of times that you have told me about some of the trailer park trash I was hanging with and you were right!  Gurrrrrl you remember Jackson?  I nodded my head yes.  That piece of work was married with children and had the audacity to come to one of my shows with the wifey!  Gurrrl I was outdone with that foolishness!  I had no idea.  And he made sure he made his way back to the dressing room for me to shut it down before I got in rare form and reached out and touched his skin and put him on twenty-one front street!”

“I remember that.”  I chuckled a little bit.

“Melissa that man had women and men alllll over the place.  I kept telling you he was a wolf in dogs clothing and that he meant you no good at all.  He was trifling as ever.  But you were so damn insistent on being with him.”  I was shocked.

“Men?!!!???!!” Scottie nodded his head.

“Boo you wasn’t hearing me.  Rod was using you for your connections and money.  He was a damn gigolo! But you were insistent that this man was the one.  All the mess and madness he has taking you threw.  And what did you do?  Except that shyt and kept it pimping.   I don’t know if that man has whipped something on you so tough that you couldn’t see clear.  But diva let me state this for the record.  People can and will only get away with what you allow them to.  And Rod is running and has been running all over you like a steam roller.  I would not ever go back to a man that has cheated or gave me the sick dik eva! You make the choice; you can be free and do you.  Or you can continue to hate yourself and be miserable.”

“I hate to admit it…..”

“But I am right!  And as far as that job goes.  Baby you are smart and talented and you will find another gig.  And not only that you have enough money saved up to carry your high maintenance azz! Besides, Uncle Max could sure use someone to help him and Laaaawwwwd knows he needs it.  Maybe this Diva is a blessing in disguise.  He needs some vacation time.  You need another job.  And you already know he got cha back!  Look boo, you gotta do what you gotta do!”





I laid in bed staring at the ceiling.  Jeff and I had just finished making love.  Well love for him sex for me.  I fell out of love with Jeff over five years ago.  I had been hanging in a relationship with a man that needed me and I needed him.  I was scared to live on my own, I guess I was.  Jeff and I had of course had some good and bad times like every relationship does.  Nothing is perfect ever in this life no matter how much we want it to be.  And no matter how many ups and downs we have encountered Jeff and I have worked through them.  Well some of them.  My lover has many problems, not that I don’t but his problems have affected our lives vehemently! Jeff has had a plethora of financial issues.  Let me just run them down to you in a numerical order.

One….Jeff at one time owed the IRS and that put a lot of the financial hardship on me.  It took some time before I had found this out.  They were garnishing his checks and barely had money for awhile. 

Two….Jeff had so many parking tickets he had lost his license and has not only had his cars, yes I said cars impounded but mine as well.  And guess who paid for that?  You guessed it! Me.

Three….Jeff had three children, not by me and his child support was in the rears.  So they garnished his check for that.  And you guessed it again I had paid the price for that as well.

Four…Jeff was very secretive when he was going through things and when they came up they always bit me in the anus!  Jeff was a huge spender and credit cards that we had gotten together back in the day.  Well let’s say I am still paying on those today. 

Five…Jeff was a huge procrastinator!  He could and has never in our relationship kept his word.  I always had to push him and nag him. And that was one of the problems he had with me. 

Six… Jeff was now a two minute brother.  Sex had gotten boring and uneventful.  And no matter how many times I had directed, produced, written the movie he never ever wanted to follow through with it.  So I have been a dissatisfied woman sexually for years.  And I will say this….I have had many affairs over a ten year period.  I will not tell a lie.  So why stay?  I have been asking myself that for the past seven years as this relationship has gone south and way down south. 

I am so tired, I mean way past tired.  Many of our family and friends have asked when we are going to get married.  But truth is that I have always given Jeff excuse after excuse.  Poignant excuses honestly, our finances were not right.  And this was the real truth.  I knew that if we got married I would be carrying the brunt of our finances.  We had been trying to get a house.  But I stopped wanting one with Jeff for the past five years because yet he has not proved to me that he is responsible.  And never have I felt as if our future would be secured.

I have been so unhappy in this relationship that I have forgotten who I am and have gotten lost in the relationship.  And I am waaaay past tired of his disrespectful kids and they are extremely spoiled and hard headed and not disciplined.  All the babies mothers throw the kids off on me, not him because he barely pays any attention to them.  I have been leaving and staying gone all day and the night when they come over.  I even stay locked up in my mini office or the bedroom.  Jeff hates this, but of course I have brought this up to his attention many times.  And it has not made a difference.  Jeff of course does not hear me when I speak to him on the many issues we have in this relationship.

A lot of my savings has paid on bills that are way in the rear and have come and choked me.  My head is hurting so bad right now, while I lay here contemplating my life.  Or none thereof.  This is the weekend that Jeff’s children will come by and I am so tired.  He is in the shower getting ready to pick them up.  I was hoping that I would at least have some me time and be to myself.  So now I have to get up out of bed and get out of the house.  This has also been an issue in regards to Jeff and me.  He has been asking why I always leave when his children come by.  And I finally told him.  “Because you pawn them off on me.  And you spend no time with them.”  He looked at me with such surprise.  Why I do not know.  It is the truth and nothing but the truth. 

As Jeff was singing in the shower I got up out of bed feeling used and abused.  Like he had taken advantage of my body and also my mind.  I found my robe and slipped it on and went and made myself some hazelnut coffee. And my mind was spinning and spinning with so many thoughts.  What would I do?  I had to come up with a plan, and I had to come up with a plan soon and very soon or I would lose my emotional mind!

“Hey I am out the door. Did you want me to bring you anything back? I shook my head no. Will you be here when I get back?”

“I don’t think so.  I planned on getting a mani and pedi today.  Have lunch with my mom maybe.”  Jeff look disappointed.  I guess he really didn’t hear me when I said that I was not a babysitter and that I was tired of watching his kids and feeding them.  Then it dawned on me! I was going to get a room for the weekend to have some me time.  I forgot that Marcus was the manager of the Hilton and that I could get a room for free if he set it up for me. 

When Jeff left I grabbed my cell phone and called Marcus and had him set it up.  I knew Jeff would be gone for at least a couple of hours.  He had to pick up three children that all lived in locations that were not close to each other.  And he may have been gone longer than two hours.  Because more than likely he would go get them something to eat. And just like something had hit me like a ton of bricks!  Like a mad woman I went in the garage and got all of my luggage and some broken down boxes in the garage.  Like a mad woman I went and found some tape and without any thought I taped up boxes and I just started throwing all of my things in boxes. I had so much!

I called my two girlfriends and told them I needed their help!  They got to me in minutes it seemed.  As I had packed up boxes and luggage they quickly took them and put them in their car.  I had purchased an SUV three years ago just for “my family” Jeff’s kids and I.  So that when we went out we could all drive in the same car.  Glad I had made the investment.  I had taken a small break and made a reservation at the Public Storage that was no less than Fifteen minutes from where I was. Like a crazed woman my girlfriends and I had started taking boxes to the storage. I felt I was on borrowed time. Like I was running away from an abused lover or husband.  I had taken some time and called Jeff and asked him what time would he be home. He said that he had to take the kids to get shoes.  I sighed a breath of relief.  I had more time!  But that did not stop me from rushing.  My girls didn’t ask any questions!  I had to buy more boxes and packing tape at Public Storage.  We all packed and worked speedily putting boxes in cars and dropping them off at the public storage. When I got frustrated, I let that be my motivation!  I wanted to break down and cry but I knew I had no time to do that. I took only what I had purchased.  The things that we had purchased together I left. And of course the things Jeff had purchased stayed.  I was grateful that some of the things I had purchased I had kept the boxes for!  Why I did that I had no idea, but maybe somewhere in my heart back then I knew that I would leave.

I cared less of the furniture, the sheets and blankets, beds and all that other nonsense!  I was ready to go and I knew that if I left with Jeff knowing I was ready to go he would not let me go that easy.  Nothing mattered anymore but my sanity and peace of mind.  I knew that I was better without Jeff in my life and I knew that after I had embarked on this new journey that it would be just that!

It seemed as if it was taking a long time, but honestly we had done very well!  I had managed to pack up my office, my desktop.  And one of my girls had called one of her good friends who had a truck. And he came Johnny on the spot with a friend of his and they got my office furniture out of the house and took it to my storage.  We were all like mad men and women running in and out of that house.  I felt it was meant to be.  Because everything came together instantly!  Normally when you need someone to help you move or be there for you they are busy.  But this day was far from it. 

I blew out a deep hard breath. I went into my walk in closet and checked the hall closet, my office, bathroom, bedroom and kitchen.  I knew that I would and could replace beds and anything else I needed for my own place. I was sure to give everyone gas and also offered to take them to lunch. 

Marcus had upgraded me to a suite at the Hilton. He told me to stay as long as I needed until I got on my feet.  I was so grateful for every door that opened, all the help.  And I was proud of myself for finally leaving.  My girls were happy for me.  They were more excited than I was.  They respected Jeff but they did not really care for him. And they knew all the mess Jeff had taken me through.  I could have stayed with either one of them; they both had offered me a room and a bed in their home.

I wrote Jeff a note, I told him that I had left and what I had taken and what I had left behind.  I also told him he could call text and email.  I would not answer; when I was ready to talk I would call. If he didn’t want to receive my call that would be fine.  I had explained in full detail  how I felt.  What was wrong with everything that was going on in our relationship?  I knew that what I had typed out would hurt him.  But I believe that Jeff felt through my many talks and the past three years non-talks I was going to stay and go nowhere.  And that was fine.  He could be free to do him and I was free to do me.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do just for the sane in you!




“Hell I don’t give a damn about how any of these people feel and what they want or need.  It is all about what I say do and when I say do it! They want a job then they will work this job!  It is that simple.” My mouth fell open when I heard that.  I was actually about to walk into my bosses office.  I had stopped before I was about to knock on the door.  This man I had worked for his company the past four years.  Working mad overtime and mass slave work.  I came in on my off days and though I had gotten raises in the past four years once a year since I had been here.  It had been pennies as far as I was concerned because I gave a lot of my life to this job. And not just me but a lot of people that had worked here as well.  And we had a tyrant dictator for a boss and owner of the company.  You never knew what type of day you would have when you came to work. 

I worked under some stressful situations and under mad duress coming here.  And I was and had been so ready to quit!  There was no need for Cecil to treat us the way that he did.  He was cruel at times and acted as if we all were indispensible.  Which was far from the truth!  Some of the employees had been here for years.  And to train someone else to the level that they were at would take a long while.  Not only that Cecil needed them here and hiring some new employees that had the experience would soon quit and leave him hanging. 

I had just lost my mom and Cecil wanted me back at work in two days.  I was depressed and not once did he ask me how I felt or if I needed anything.  I know that I had been living frugally the past year and a half saving monies up so that I could make my next move.  I wanted to leave the state and move to Canada.  But it looked as if I would have to place my move on hold all due to I needed more money and I needed this job.  But looking over my shoulder and being stressed out here at work had me having nightmares, losing weight, gaining weight.  Scared to talk or ask questions and walking around on pins and needles.  The economy was shot to hell in a hand basket.  So many of my family and friends were doing badly.  But if I kept all of this up I would soon have others throwing dirt on me.  I would be six feet under.  And though Cecil could careless have my contributions here at his business enough was enough!

I felt like a cowardly lion when I was here, being outgoing here was not what I could do nor be.  And I had been promoted to Cecil’s right hand.  I had him in the palm of my hand.  And really as he thought he had me in the palm of his.  I knew too many of the ins and outs of his company.  And he had not been able to keep anyone in my position as long as I had been here.  They would all quit within the week and some could not hang past a day or two.  Cecil would be angered by this and hurt.  He never showed it.  But I knew it did.  Cecil was just a mean and surly man that was bitter but lived the life of a movie star and high profile celeb.

When Cecil got off the phone I lightly knocked on his office door.

“Who is it?” He barked.


“Come on in Manny.”  When I opened the door he smiled.

I was a hell of a CPA and had saved Cecil a lot of money and gave him sound advice and I had told him how he could make some great investments with his money.  I taught him how he could invest in money marketing accounts, stocks and bonds.  He loved that about me.  At times I felt I was just a piece of joy in his life.

“I have your reports ready.”

“Sit down Manny.  I handed them over and then took a seat in the chair across from him.  He looked over the paperwork I had given him. A smile had crept upon his face.

“This is great news Manny!  Look I am going to need you to work this weekend.  So be here bright and early Saturday morning at six a.m. you will be putting in some long hours so buckle down for the weekend.”  He was still studying the paperwork and hadn’t looked up at me.

“Sir I will not be able to make that.  I have made plans I cannot break.  I have been working the past three weekends with really no off days.”Cecil looked up at me.  He had a mean and hard look on his face.  If his eyes could cut me down then they would have struck me dead on the spot.  I had never ever since I had been employed here back talked or spoke up for myself. So I knew first that Cecil was shocked by my reply.

“If you want a job then you will be here like I said.”

“And if you want a great CPA you will respect me, pay me more, not bark orders at me and treat me like a human being and not a slave.”

“What did you just say to me?”

“You heard what I said…not once did I stutter.  I know for a fact you need me more than I need you.  I can easily work for your competitors who have headhunters after me all the time.  Offering me better money and benefits.  This was a lie, but I knew that I was indispensible. I do not like how you treat loyal employees.  And you cannot keep new ones here long because of your crass and crude attitude.  No one deserves to be spoken nor treated the way you treat them. So with that being said I give you my resignation right now. I hope that you can find a better man or woman than me to invest your money and make more money for you.  I heard your conversation before I knocked on your door.  I have had it.  And I know that I can do better somewhere else.  So you can call down to HR and have them write up my last check.  I am done.”  Cecil’s face now had taken on a whole new appearance that I had not ever seen before. He was shocked and I could care less.  My sanity was on the line as well as my life.

“Do you know who you are talking to?! He yelled.

“I sure do!  And do you know who you are dealing with?!  Do you not know that I know all of your information good and bad?  Do you?!!!! I suggest that you settle down in that fact.  Now call HR and have them write out my last check and my OT monies better be on it!!!!” From all the yelling that was going on in his office people had started gathering around the office. 

“You will NOT and I mean NOT talk to me that way!!!”

“Stop it!  You should not be talking to the people that work for you the way you do!! The way you act heartless and non-caring running a slave trade! My mother died and you did not give a damn about how I was feeling!!! Did not give your condolences or anything!!! You wanted me back here!! And saw that I was losing weight and depressed!”  I had stood up.  When I stood up Marion was now in the office.

“I give my resignation today as well.”  I was surprised and shocked.  Then Terry walked in.

“So do I.” Soon there were more employees walking in the office.  All stating they wanted to quit. It was enough to actually shut his company down.  Some were scared to stand up to Cecil.  I could understand how they felt; we all were feeling this way to be honest. But I guess it took just one person to stand up and say something.  We all were tired of the mistreatment.  Soon his office was filled with twelve valuable employees that had taken his mental and emotional abuse for far way too long!  And all were saying that they wanted their last check as I did.  Cecil was now in a confused shocked oblivion and there was nothing really more that he could say. His words were no longer useful nor hurtful to any of us.  We were all done!

“I am going to clean out my office and desk. You have a great day Cecil.”  And I walked out.  So did the others as they had gone to do the same thing.  These people should not have a hard time looking for another job.  I mean it was rough out there, but who wanted to be in constant fear of a task master? Cecil was too prideful of a man to ask us to stay or apologize and we all knew this.  And truth be told I was not going to stay anyways.  Enough was enough as far as I was concerned.  And I would have to be offered a much bigger office, better benefits, and a lot more money than what I was getting now.

As many of us were getting boxes from the stock room and cleaning out our offices and some just their cubicle there was a sense of pride and relief.  We all smiled at each other.  I know there was a big weight lifted up off of my shoulders!  I felt like a new man!  I really did! Hey at the end of the day you gotta do what you gotta do just for the sanity in you!


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions




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