When the selfish get in their way.  When drama meets reality in a surreal way.  When lust and desires combine toxic love, feelings and blinded steps.  When you cannot think past your own self. When backwards and stagnant are prevalent.  
Step out of they way.  Your own way.  Not letting the past discipline you with bitter movements...

He sat there, dumbfounded!  Looking and feeling like a complete idget.  Eyes watery but refusing to cry.  Thoughts clouded, couldn’t shake the thoughts that had crowded his head like a busy day on the street in Time square in the middle of lunch hour. All standing on the corner in a huge crowd.  No one knowing what the other is thinking, going through or going to.  That is where his mind was.  Overwhelmed….

So many proclivities and secrets he had.  So many lies and cover ups he had told.  So many people he had hurt.  So many things he had taken.  People he had gotten over on.  Scams he had ran.  Yet his personal life, his personal life is what truly got over on him and the dark veil had been removed like a magician snapping it back for all the audience to see that nothing was there.  The illusion was now complete.  Or so you think…..

Body numb, body sore, head spinning...what could he say?  What could he do?  There was absolutely nothing he could do nor say.  He had been caught and he was the one who could not keep up with his own lies and mischief.

It all started with “him” a man he had met that he felt something was not quite right about him.  He felt vibes that this man was attracted to him.  And he was.  Stating this to many.  Yet he kept in contact with the man.  Telling others he had “blocked” him from his phone.  This man sent semi somewhat text messages of wanting to “hang out”  send him pictures.  Calling and texting him at improper times of the night.  Making uncomfortable conversations.  That felt odd.  Ohhh yeah he was straight!  Every bit of the word.  Straighter than ten heterosexual men watching heterosexual porn!  He loved women!  Yet, yet he eventually went there and had a sexual experience with this man.  Telling no one of course.  This was the start of cover ups and secrets telling others that something is wrong with this “man”  that he felt he was coming on to him.  While others were wondering why he was still talking and dealing with him if he felt this way.  Others questioning him under their breath.

The man he had gotten involved with doing illegal business.  Waiting for the big payday that never came.  The 500,000 thousand dollars that he was scammed into and waited and worked for this man for two years.  Now others coming to the light stating that he was a con man.  That they were going to sue him. Feeling and looking stupid.  No other way to put it.  That he had been behooved by the lies because he was simply money driven and hungry.  All his hard work for nought!

Thinking he is getting out of his hole.  Thinking that it will only take one big score.  So he hustles, pounds the pavement in search of not only himself.  But in search of the narcissist lust and desires.  Not thinking of the future.  But in his head he is.  He is making big willy moves!

His family had done him in as well.  Money was mentioned.  He took the money.  He was happy about the big pay day.  Spent his money frivolously.  Wanting to show by materialistic things,  The clothes he wears, the cars he drives.  The smooth words he speaks.  The smile he shines in hopes to melt the heart of some jaded beauty.  He had many debts that needed to be paid.  Thinking that the money was going to keep coming in.  He messed up once again.  He made the same steps and moves that he had been making.  Npt handling his children, attorney, fishing the only one and only car he had that needed his attention.  Now having to fix on three cars and all of them had needs.  Repairs, insurance.  They were all breaking down.  He was over his head.  This was also added on his plate of nerves shot.

Family gipping him out of money.  His parents now both old, in the middle of life and death.  Walking a thin line.  Each waiting for the other to die.  One holding on so the other one can be there for the other.  But as soon as one dies, the other soon dies right behind them.  Both parents in and out of emergency care, doctors appointments, private chefs, the renting of a mini mansion.  Siblings arguing over money, who is suppose to do what in regards to the care of the parents.  One sibling in and out of jail over parking tickets and warrants.  The other crazy as hell and needs some prescription drugs.  Because it seems that they are bi-polar and insane asylum ready.  Flipping off the rocker in highs and lows.  One that runs the street chasing money.  Making big money and chasing women and in the middle of a custody battle and divorce.  What a mess……

He gets caught out again flirting, cheating, lying to the love of his life.  Knowing that she has been more than any woman he has ever loved or had.  Who has been in his corner through it all, knew it all, supported and loved him through it all.  He lost her, she is gone.  He has belittled her and taken advantage of her tolerance, love, kind words and deeds.  Most of all the deep, eccentric, sexy love they made with mad passion! It bothered him to even think of her with another man.  He saw how men looked at here when they were out together.  He loved it.  But he also knew that when he was not around men were leering, aggressive, staring, scared to approach because she was a breed and trend of her own.  She made bold moves with her creativity and her outlook on her life.  She was beauty and a very gorgeous sexy stylish funky woman.  He lost the kisses, the cuddles, the spoiling, the love.  She had moved on long ago.  He knew it, he felt it, she ….she was just around.  And had been for over a year now.  He knew why, he just could not accept it.  There is a difference of knowing something and accepting something.  When you accept it, it does not bother you.  But it bothered him.  He indeed was insecure over her.  When around her he was putty all the time.  She knew what to say, how to look, how to woo him.

He was from the pittle to the pole.  Moving from place to place because he really could not afford to pay rent.  He was struggling financially.  Barely able to keep gas in his car, eat...yet he still ran behind women.  Something was really, terribly, confusing and wrong with the thinking of him.  Not being clear, nor cognizant.  Choosing to make others be the blame for his demise.  Not admitting he is the cruel dictator of his own debauchery!

Moving out the apartment he shared with her which he couldn’t afford.  Moving in with his parents.  In their new mini mansion.  That not working out because he and his sibling fought and argued all the time.  Moving into their siblings home.  No furniture, no cable, no wifi.  Just hiim.  A radio, phone to watch movies and sports.  A bed to sleep in.  With closets filled with his clothes and cars that are on the brink of continuously breaking down with something going awry.

Running around like the chickens in the yard when their heads are cut off.  This was his demise.  This had been his doing, his plythe of mass proportions.  It is what it is.  And will be until he wakes up.  But it might be just too late….

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



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