There are so many of us that see dysfunction so well in others and are  appalled how they live and view life.  But never thinking of looking at the man in THEIR mirror and realizing they are living the same reality. 

Just Toy

Gift for Sexy

“Did you just catch that?” I said the as I looked directly in the eye of my girlfriend. While I knew that she had because of the expression upon her face. We were both shocked.

“I wish a man would talk and treat me like that in public! I’m just saying, this is nothing new.  That chick has been through this many times before.”  She rolled her eyes and we picked up our bags and headed to a table at the food court.  As we sat down and placed our shopping bags on the floor.

“I guess you are right.”  I had begun to have some thoughts.  Thinking…

“I know I am right.  Listen, there are so many reasons why a woman would stay in a relationship like that.  And the reasons are not good ones.  Maybe she grew up in a household where she saw that. She suffers from low self-esteem.  She is acting like there are no other men out there in the world. Monica took a deep breath.  And then again she may have been involved in quite a few relationships like this.” I looked away into the crowd of people that had formed lines at all of the many eateries that had everything from hamburgers to seafood and pizza. I no longer wanted to eat, it was as if I had lost my appetite.

“Maybe he didn’t do all of that in the beginning.  Maybe there is something that is deeper than what we witnessed.  It could be her, and it could be him.  Maybe it just erupted here.  We never know.  We are on the outside looking in.” I shrugged my shoulders.  And I was now looking at the exact spot of where the couple had their outburst. Monica looked me dead in my face with her eyes wide open.

“Are you taking up for him Brooklyn?!  There is no reason anyone should act that way in public! And no right that he is being abusive to her.  I know things happen but one should always be aware of their surroundings.  That man just cursed her out and called her a stupid bytch in public! Chewed her out and embarrassed her in front of strangers.  And if he wasn’t in public I am sure he would have  punched her in the damn face!  Monica rolled her eyes as at me.  I could feel her frustration with me.  Her anger seemed to have turned towards me.  And that made me feel even worse.

“I am just playing devil’s advocate here.  I am not taking sides Monica.  Look, I felt the need to really explain and break it down to her.  It was my duty! I know a couple that tripped the light fantastic in the beginning of their relationship.  No arguments that  had gotten out of control at all. The things that the man had done were small and he always apologized to her.  Then later down the line came the pushes and shoves because he kept telling her that he was under stress.  Things would get back to normal. And their relationship was perfect.  All I am saying is that sometimes we will let our emotions and feelings keep us with someone and bare the humiliation.  Some of the women out there that are in my girl’s position don’t have a low self-esteem.  They just sort of fell into that situation.  Really don’t know how to leave.  And what about the women that marry men that have a long rap sheet and they never find out about it until years later?  Some women marry murderers and are unaware.” I shook my head at Monica.  I felt she was being narrowed minded.

“Brooklyn ….I hear you.  But at some point and time you gotta let that love shyt go and pick yourself up and tell yourself that you do not deserve to be with anyone that at any moment could go off on you and you have no idea of what you may say or do that could set that person off. Who in the hell wants to walk on egg shells?  I know I don’t.  You remember that part in the movie What’s Love Got to Do with It?  Where Tina had told Ike take a break?  As she went and explained how his music sounded the same? When she tried to explain to him she saw anger arise in his body language he hit her and went stone cold off!  Girl please! And the fact that he had other women that he flaunted in her face?! He was on drugs and she stayed with his azz for years and he worked her like an azz in a field! And it took for her to be a Buddhdist to leave?  It shouldn’t take years for someone to be beaten like that to realize they don’t like it!”  I still feel that Monica was being closed minded.  I mean I understood wholly where she was coming from and I felt what she was saying.  I really did. But….

I eventually had to change the subject because I was getting perturbed.  We should be able to have a conversation and agree to disagree I felt.  So I shifted the conversation to something else to lighten the mood. This conversation was getting to personal.  Maybe there was something Monica hadn’t told me about in her past.  And maybe there were some things that were personal to me about the situation. 

 

LATER ON THAT EVENING

 

I was in the kitchen finishing off dinner.  I heard the front door close Nico was home from work.  I knew my husbands flow when he got home.  He would go straight to the bathroom, then to the bedroom and remove his suit. Take a shower sometimes a robe, a towel around his waist. He would walk in the kitchen and speak to me.  Pulling me into his arms and kissing me on the back of my neck.  Smelling always of some beautiful fragrant cologne which is what I loved about him.  He always smelled beautiful! He would peep into my pots lifting lids to see what culinary treats I had prepared because he loved my cooking.  He may and may not sample.  He would then get dishes out and set the table for us to eat.  Sometimes we drank wine with our dinner and sometimes we had water with fresh squeezed lemon. We always made small talk asking about each other’s day and share some of our thoughts with one another.  We were dreamers and planners.  One thing that Nico and I shared was our love for travel.  No matter how small or large the trip or even simple.  We loved having some form of adventure.  Which is what I felt brought us closer and kept our relationship alive.  Nico was planning a small weekend trip and was handling all of the arrangements.  And while talking about the trip I was getting excited.

When I had finished dinner I had done what I usually do, and that is start clearing the table. My phone was ringing.  As I went to go pick it up Nico had picked up my phone and brought it to me.

“How many times do I have to tell you that when we are having dinner shut your phone off?  That is our one on one time together.”  I nodded my head.  When I saw the caller ID it wasn’t important.  I could call back.  And just as my phone had stopped ringing it had rang again.  Nico looked at me and shook his head.  I immediately shut my phone off.  We had made a vow that after work we shut our phones down for an hour and just do us.  And if we were enjoying each other we would leave it off.  All of a sudden Nico had rushed up behind me and grabbed me and pushed me up against the kitchen wall. My heart beating fast now I was scared!  Nico’s face was now contorted and he was livid! Nico punched me in the stomach.  And immediately I threw up my dinner.  That further pissed him off and he punched me again in the back as I was now on the floor retching from the punch he had delivered to my stomach.  I was gripping my stomach.  I could not cry because I was trying to catch my breath! As I felt the power from his fist in my back.  I fell into the vomit on the floor.

“Clean that shyt up!” And he walked away.  The towel he had around his waist was now on the floor.  I laid in my own vomit until I could move.  Once I was able to get up I immediately started to clean up the mess.  When I was done I instantly went into sparkling clean mode.  Washing, mopping and disinfecting.  I took a hot shower, and when I got out I looked at myself in the mirror, turned around and saw the huge purple blue and black bruise on my back.  It was also a knot that was forming.  I could feel the soreness.  When I went to touch it I wrenched at the pain.  Tears formed in my eyes as I oiled my body up.  Brushed my teeth and gargled.  I grabbed my silk kimono robe he had purchased me recently. As I walked out of the bathroom and the steam followed me out Nico was standing in front of me.  And instantly he pulled me towards him and kissed me.  His hands roamed all over my body and when he touched the part of my back he had hit earlier with his fist.  I jumped from the pain.  He immediately led me to the bed and had me sit down.  He untied my robe and kissed and licked every part of my body.  I was now sucked up into lust and passion.  My body had given into Nico’s advances.  He made love to me taking me to unspoken heights!

I had gotten up from bed as Nico was now in a coma like sleep.  I went and took another shower.  I felt different and this time I had made up my mind.  It was time…

While Nico was sleep I had got up from bed packed my things.  My heart was racing as I tipped toed throughout the house.  And all the while cursing myself at all the many clothes, shoes and handbags I had acquired in our marriage.  My car was filled to the limit.  Some things I had packed and put in the backyard.  A place that Nico very rarely went too.  I stacked things on the side of the house.  I knew once I had left Nico may change the locks.  I felt like a burglar!  And when he had awakened from his sleep I told him I was cleaning out my closet.  He nodded his head and went back to bed.  This wasn’t abnormal for me.  Because Nico knew that when I was stressed I would clean. 

After I had grabbed my laptop and all of the important papers I needed.  I wrote Nico a letter, “You don’t love me!” I had put on his favorite lip color he loved to see me in.  Red…I signed my name, kissed the letter.  I took the house keys off of my key ring and left them on top of the letter on the nightstand on the side he slept on. 

As I walked out of the house there were no tears and no sadness.  There was a huge relief!  I smiled, and I got into my car.  I put on my favorite CD and I turned the music up real loud and honked the horn a few times and I backed up out of the driveway.  Bobbing my head, today, this day, early in the wee hours of the morning I had taken back my life.  And love doesn’t live here anymore!  Not that kind of love!

 

9/2012

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

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