It is absolutely amazing how we can entangle ourselves in pain, hurt and mental emotional instability in our lives. How we have hope and faith that things will indeed get better if we try and try.  Knowing in our hearts what we are up against. How can we stop the violence of hurt we cater to?  When do we wake up? When do we officially walk away and heal ourselves instead of hurt ourselves?
Here is a bit of my story.  I would have never thought that I would ever be in this situation!!! Ever in life because I know and have a clear inner and understanding of what all of this is! I shall digress and go there!

I got involved with a man who mirrored the very persona that I have lived and was very proud and arrogant to live. I mean it wasn’t my whole life! No!  It was just a wall I had built up from what I saw in my life.  My father was a cruel man when it came to his wife, my mother. He was a serious player.  He lived his life very open. Meaning he was never faithful to his wife, my mother. He could have cared less if she knew he was being loyal or not! His many random affairs called the home. Due in part, my father had his own business. It meant nothing for a woman to call. Some of the women were clients. Indeed!! A lot of them were not!  It felt from my perception that my father wanted to hurt my mother in any way whatsoever!

What I had become was a woman who could and would find it very difficult to not only trust a man. But be faithful to one man only.  Not all of my unfaithfulness was having sex with another man while in a deep relationship with a man I really liked and had feelings for.  My father taught me this lesson unknowingly and had set my path and precedence. I had refused that I would be like my mother!! I would get over, under and around anything a man could and would throw my way. I saw through lies, I saw through actions, deeds, words, gifts and much more!  I was completely aware of the male species!  This is not to say that my feelings had never been hurt or my heart ever has broken. It was in those times that I would blood gently beat myself up verbally and emotionally that I had placed myself in such a precarious situation.

I recall telling my sister to never ever be 100% faithful to a man. Not that she had to have sex with another man. But that she needed to have other men that she liked and liked her. That way if she felt any type of way of how she was being treated there was always someone in the balance. Waiting for her. This way she had a backup!  This was my philosophy! It worked for me.

In the very few relationships, I had, not many because I felt giving my heart would lead to hurt and pain that I did not want to experience like I am at this moment.  It does take energy to deal with more than one man. Of course, it does!  But I was not investing a lot of my time. Just enough. This worked when the main man was not “acting right” or he had made me angry, or I felt he was lying or cheating on me. Crazy huh?

Well,  it worked for me.  Plus, I am able to get cold quickly with any person I am bothered by. See my infatuation may last really strong for a man the first sixty days and then I start seeing. Meaning the blind spots I was and was not paying attention to were now in full bloom like Spring! So then I begin the process of elimination and move on to the next man. Again, it's not all about sex. 

I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought in so many ways. The man that would have me say “I do” but this was and has not ever transpired. This has been going on off and on for eleven-twelve years! Yeap! After the second break up due to him being the man he is. I had met my match! Charming as he is, he loved women as much as I loved men. When I encountered this I had backed off so many times and while we were doing each other we were doing others. Shaking my head hard!
I was into this man shortly after I had met him. I never made a move, he made all the moves. He was persistent I am sure as he is with all the women he was and is attracted to.  I had issues with another woman as soon as the courting without sex had begun. This indeed was a super uber sign of stay the hell away!! But did I? Nope! Let the emotional roller-coaster begin!

I was, and still am the type of woman that has never been clingy and have to be up under a man all the time nor see him daily. I need my me time. So with meeting him, it all worked out for me and both of us. He had side hustles from his job that had him working on the weekends and sometimes during the week. Seeing him two to three times a week worked for me. Why? Because I could still dated other men. I did not know if things would work out between us. As you have read, I have and was warned by the first woman that so classically looked in his phone before they started making passwords on the phone. She apparently saw whatever interaction between us and thought she would give me a call. But of course, he told me it was over!  I do believe that it was a minute before it was completely over though. He was indeed done with her. But I have seen all the flirty charming satire he did with women. Couldn't help it!

Well, of course, I notified him of her texting me and showed him the text messages to him. Of course, he fought to get me back. This would always happen in the course of our rapport. Or relationship. He fed my emotions and feelings. He indeed was using her. Hell! She was leasing him a Mercedes Benz! He had this car for a while! He told me he was paying the car note.So there is no telling of how long he was still seeing her. Who knows! He is a liar and a charmer. Players get played and this would be apart of our relationship as well.

In the beginning, one could say that I was faithful to him. Shrugging shoulders. I never really trusted him. But I did what most women will do to woo a man. As I am sure he did the best of what he could and would do. But, the beginning of our rapport he was not a trick nor a sugar daddy!

I knew that he was not faithful to me. Maybe in the beginning at first. But not being able to see him as much as I would like to have once we got closer. I felt that he was not with me only.  So I started to meet other men. Well keeping the door open when they approached. I had a couple of my sexual liaisons behind his back I will be honest.  It was my way of not feeling as if I was having my own back. Like if you are doing it, I am doing it too! Due to the fact that our interaction had waned. I got tired of asking to see him and us to spend time together. But for some reason he had a way of keeping tabs on me.  He knew whom he was dealing with. A vixen, a seductress, a beguiling charming woman. So, of course he would call me out on my behavior. But why? He was doing him and I was doing me.  What was the problem?

I wooed him. In my own way of course getting him caught up emotionally and having him crave my mere presence. This was and is why he is and always has been caught up. Seducing a man is not just sex and food.  Noooooooo.....there is so much more to it and it is levels to seduction. I used all the platforms of it to my discretion and advantage.  I also made sure that I gave this man space too!
I will not lie, we both got caught up quickly and had established deep feelings for each other. Rather or not he had other women and I had other men. We were just naturally drawn to each other by whatever planets in the universe. I now feel we naturally also like to take each other through it emotionally, mentally and verbally. We knew what to do to reel the other one in.  It is now at this time, I look back and see the pattern. I look back and see them too much. An overwhelming sense of caught up and lost feelings and deep feelings and hurt feelings.  

Now inner stand me as I say there is always four people or more in our relationships. Because when he came back to me, he was with someone. Someone that he was giving the impression "they" were the only one and "they" were in a relationship. 

He had come upon a hard time. Lost his job, his apartment and things were going downhill fast. He had to walk away from me. He could no longer see me and was not feeling that he could be or get the respect he could from me as a man. It was very hard for me. I mean very hard.  But, I got over it. Our interactions got less and less. You start healing, you, of course, move on. I moved on! 

I had met other men at this time. I was dating, meeting knuckleheads walking away from them. I at this time had made a bad choice in a man. One who was very very insecure! Alcohol addiction, temperamental, raw and unapologetic. He was a basic chauvinist! Why was I attracted to this rawness I have no idea. But of course, we did not last long at all!! However, he was spending the weekend at my home when my ex,he just shows up unannounced and not a call was made or a text!  Just a pop-up!  He has my number so why not call or text to see if I was even at home? If I had a company? If I had even wanted to see him? I could not and would not and have not done that to anyone!  Even family!

I was in my office, it was early morning. Mid-morning afternoon and he knocked. Smiling, happy to see me. Hurt because he could not come in. I could not talk. I had a man over. Why would you not call first? This was now the second coming back for him. Though he would come in and out. He would not hold a place. A strong place. He tried, but it was just not to be. I was doing me. I was dating, having my affairs and enjoying my life! He could not commit. I was not seeing him often. Yet, he tried to keep as tight of a leash on me as possible. This was now picking me up from work. Stopping by, bringing me small gifts and taking me to very quaint places to eat. He wanted to make his presence known. He was basically telling me then. I am not going anywhere! This is now in hindsight!
He accused me, I accused him!  It was our way of picking on each other and trying, nudging to get information about our torrid affairs and other men and women we were seeing or having an affair with.  This also would become us. Apart from our rapport and relationship.

I had to leave the state. I had no other choice! I saw him before I left. My feelings for him were on the back-back burner because I had tired of his tired and the going back and forth. We did not have any sexual relations with one another simply because I was no longer feeling him in that way. 

When I left, that was it! I had left and had moved on and had gotten married!  Can you believe that?  Of course, there was no communication between him and I. I will fast forward to my ex-husband is now gone. We are no longer together and I am making my way back there. The same state I had left him in. We talked, we shared I knew his present situation. He was living with a woman and had been with her for three years. The time that I had been gone and doing me.  We talked about the woes and the pains of what we were going through. He, of course, he expressed his hurt, disdain of me getting married. In his head, we were in a relationship always.  How he felt this way he was tried to explain but still to this day. I do not understand his reasoning.  The insecurity of other men. Of other men meeting me and me having sex with other men is something he did not like love and hated to embrace it! In other words, I had betrayed him!

I went back for a short visit.  We reunited!  He was anxious, nervous energy seeing me after all this time. He could not even look me in the eyes fully.  Our time together felt strained. The second visit, he was all over me and tried to take as much of my time as he could.  It was not connecting for us again at this time. I had left, come and gone three times. And there was simply no connect! At least on my end. 

However, I and he had an affair!  When we did connect sexually I was the "other" woman and it was quite clear that I was.  It was no secret! He always kept running back to me no matter what woman he was sexing or seeing. Wooing or charming. He would always come back to me!  This seemingly would be us as well! He would want me all to himself!  At all cost! Not in a bad way, but in his way. Again, conversations of whom I was."Look,I know you have men on you. You are a very attractive woman." Thanks, I think. Pondering.

It was the being gone for a few years that had got things sparked and pushed in the light of us!  Something I did and did not want at the same time. It was like we both were saving each other. But....but all we were both doing was creating more and more damage to one another. For me, it was not the sex or the lovemaking. It was simply how he was to me and for me. I knew he loved me. But, he would never fully commit to me. I knew this. He knew this. But for some reason,he did not like this conversation and would continue to this day to give me the same line. "I need to get myself together." This would be the reason for years!

I made my exit and entrance back in the state where we met. I was utilizing my last days with my family. Soaking up as much as I could possibly from them. Wanting to stay just to be with them. But wanting to leave because of my life, my life was not there. I could not foresee me in this state. I had to go back to the place that had once made me happy and brought me so much inspiration! Life! Energy!
As he and I talked all day seemingly, every day. We connected. He wanted me with him. Four years had gone by. I had married, he was in a relationship living with his woman. But now he had left her. My husband had left me. I knew he and I would not work. The sad part of my story is, I got married for all the wrong and right reasons at the same time. I did not want to continue to sleep around. I was now older.  Who would marry me? Who would love me? Apparently, my cheating husband did not want to be faithful. He was needy in ways that could I not be there for him. He was weak, not a soldier. I was the alpha. The A type persona. He was not. I don't want to go so deep with my now ex-husband. I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the fact and fell hard because I was emotionally going through it and so was he. Death of many things that we lose causes us to be clingy by nature to someone, a person that we feel can love us through the pain and angst we have.  That is what we did for each other. It hurt both of us.

As he and I talked, we built a bond again. He asked me, told me to see if we could be a couple again. I personally did not want to be in another relationship in any way. As I stated before, we did not break up on bad terms whatsoever.

It had been a year that my husband and I had been separated. I was no longer peeved with him or at him. In fact, I knew he was going to leave because I was not in love with him at all! In fact, when he had left, I was at peace! I had packed up the house, started shipping my things back to where I wanted to be.

He and I were happy again to be with each other. I having issues with fidelity and infidelity. Honestly, I knew the day would come when he would cheat on me. It was just a waiting game from that point on. 

I came back ready to get my mind, my life, my body back into shape.  We stayed in an extended stay for three months.  I will say it was more bliss than chaos during these three months.  I can recall tension, anxiety, issues, and disagreements. However, we made it through.  I was discouraged because I was not allowed to drive his car. There also was no public transportation where we were residing.  After constant going back and forth we moved into our first apartment together. One of the clauses of what I wanted was to have my own room.  I was not ready to sleep in the same room nor the same bed with any man. Being transparent, I wanted my own space and not have to clean up behind anyone besides myself.  Also, I have never shacked up, lived with a man that had a romantic interest towards me. I never felt that this was a good thing to do.  He agreed on me having my own room.

Being in the apartment for three months. He got arrested for a suspended license. I knocking on the door of the next door neighbor asking them to take me on the freeway to pick up and the car so that it would not get towed. Something he could not afford. This was a strain on us both!  I did not sleep all night. Worry. Having to have his password and looking for numbers and contacting people he asked me to. I found out more than I should have. Did I look? Seek and ye shall find.  This hurt my feelings because he promised it was all about me.

He used my computer one day, opening up his FaceBook on my computer and not logging out.  When I went to log on to my account his account pulled up and now I seek more.  I now see that he has been flirting with a plethora of women. Disappointed again. Let me digress a bit. This would be me,to continue to be a private investigator of  what he was doing behind my back. 

Why did I stay? Do I accept such behavior? Could I have left? I stayed because I did not have many options and the options I did have were not an option. I had something to do and prove. He denied all of the indiscretions. Now, I cannot say there had been sexual relationships between the ladies he was flirting with. 
Moving to a new apartment because of a myriad of things. There were dates and flirting and that for me is cheating. I was so hurt, tired, disappointed. Mad at myself because I already knew he was bound to happen! I did get my act together. Eventually. Also, let reiterate he accused me of flirting,seeing other men as well.Those who lived in our complex. Yes!  These men he felt and knew were indeed attracted to me. But even placing myself in such a precarious situation was redundant to me! First, these men were not on the level of men I would stoop so low to even have a fling with at all!! Also, I would never shyt where I sleep. Having any affair or seeing a man in such close proximity of where we lived is absolutely stupid!

Let me say that once I found out about the first indiscretion. I began to put myself on the market. I dated other men. I did not sexually. I just had a point to prove. I had now lost weight, was working out and had felt underappreciated. Was there dissension between us? Yes. Did we argue? Yes. Was I tired? Yes. Was I over him and the relationship? Yes. We at this point did not get along and our relationship was on the outs. I can say,though he does not agree. We had more bad times than good times. As I found out down the line of his discretion's and lies.He went on fabulous trips and took these women out on dates more than he had me. Which was another wound he would make on my soul.

We moved again to another apartment. He left, moved out. I kept the apartment. Within in the nine months of him leaving. We went back and forth. I had thought I had walked away. But when I did. When there was no talking, texting, sex or anything. He always managed to come back. No matter how mean I was. What I said, How I was despondent. He would never give up! So here I am seeing someone else, telling them relationship was too much and let us take it day by day. Ohhhhhh the angst I would feel every time the man I was seeing would come over feeling that he would show up unannounced which he did often! I had even got caught by the man I was dating that had done a drive bye and saw us together in my car. He was driving, damn! It was also at this time, I had started back having sex with him. Two lovers,until it stopped with the man I was dating due to his constant drips of sarcasm and other issues. I was practicing on him what he had told me I was doing wrong. Not to take out anything I was going through on the new man I was dating!  Whom I will say I enjoyed immensely! We went places and took trips and had a great life and no inhibitions with one another. I thought life was looking up for me in regards to being with a man who was loyal and digging me. He fell hard for me,but I was still living in the residue of HIM!

Some would say, or ask why did he come back? Did I ask why he could not walk away? Of course!!! Too many times where I got on his nerves! 

I wanted to move. The apartment we stayed in together, the second one I took over was in his name.  I did not want to have any ties to him at all!!! There were also a lot of other factors that were involved as well. So, I went through it badly! No one there for me at all. This was another tough time added to my journey. That indeed is another story in itself! This part of life, I was indeed alone. I never felt this alone in life! That is a story in itself!

During this time I was repeatedly asked where was I moving by him. Some might say he may have been a stalker. Maybe. I had mentioned this to him.  In his words, and I quote. "Yes, I will always stalk you and find out where you are." Let me be clear, in no way have I ever felt threatened in any bodily harm by him. Not ever! However, when he said that. I knew how he meant it.  I also knew why he was always drawn to me. But, to me, for him. The many things he idolized and worshiped, needed and loved about me. They were not enough to keep him with only me.  That is the sad part of it all.  Being open and transparent, this is something that does not make anyone feel good. 

Once I moved into my "new" town home. I always told him two different places I would live.  He caught on quick, "You just don't want to tell me where you live. It's okay.  Don't worry about it." He was right. I knew where I was moving to. Not very far from the last place he and I had shared. I did not want to be stalked, drive-byes, pop-ups. Things he had done in the past to happen. When I placed space between us. It was so I can heal. So I can breathe. So I can move on. So I can love myself and the better man that was for me next!  Why was this hard for him to under and inner stand? He told me, "I will always love you no matter what." But guess what? It is not enough!  When he found out I had gotten married. He was hurt, he was mad, he was angry!  He told me, "You cheated on me and got married. We were still in a relationship?" How? with my mouth dropping and a facial expression of confusion. When we did not talk, visit, text each other all of that time I had left and was gone. He was in a relationship living with a woman? I am merely repeating what I have already said. But this still behooves me.

I opened the door. I did it this time. At this time he and his siblings were taking care of their ailing parents. I wanted to have my home exterminated again before I had unpacked and decorated.  To be transparent, I had not enough money to go get a room. Meaning, I had the money. But I was unable to spend it. It had purposes, meaning purposes for the money. There was no one that I felt comfortable with in asking to stay a night with them either. Well, two. But their penchant in having a clean home was not on their menu. I could not at all lay my head in unclean space!  The men I knew were attracted to me. So that was out! Because I did not want to give a false impression.  We, of course, had been talking anyway.  This is how he was able to ask where I was. Still not knowing when I stayed the night with him where I lived. I told him I was fumigating the townhouse and if I could stay the night. He agreed.I stayed the night. Us being intimate that night had begun. Uh....

He knew where I worked of course. So he would text or call and tell me he was downstairs.  "Still not going to tell me where you live huh? Eventually, I did. One reason was to get assistance in bringing a salon chair into my bedroom.  I had moved in by myself. I had no movers! I could have reached out, but I didn't!  I wanted to get in and get it done! I was also in no rush with unpacking and decorating either. I had accumulated an apartment of furniture, clothing, decor and other things when he had left. I had nothing in my home but what I had shipped for us to use. Meaning I had everything except furniture shipped here. I left my furniture to be divided amongst whoever wanted it. Indeed I shipped way over a hundred boxes here in the course of three long years!  

This, of course, got us back semi started.  I had to keep my distance. please note that he was and has done so many things for me it is ridiculous!  He is a ladies man, he loves to spoil and has spoiled me.  I have gotten to places in his life he has trust no woman to be there after his divorce. I was privy to a lot of his personal information. He would do anything for my daughters and family.  Also, let me be very clear. He is a fixer! It took a long time for him to under and inner stand that when I talked to him about what life threw at me. My concerns, my wants, my needs. It was not for him to FIX it! It was just speaking as he would to me about what is going on in his life or what he needed and wanted to do.  It is what friends do. We vent! However, he took it as me asking him to do for me. Trust, when I needed something.  I asked. 

He was going through it at this time. I had met his parents. It is soooooo heart wrenching when you truly love your parents through good and bad times. You see their worth in your life. Their examples. His mother, oh my gosh! I fell in love with her instantly!!! His father, a man of steel!  A huge reminder of my father!  I fell for him too! It also took a lot for me to spend time with him because again this was me giving space. The more space I give between us. The better I feel in speaking to him here and there.  I can deal better. It was my daughter that said, "That's not you mom. He wouldn't do you like that. He would be there. So put your big girl panties on mom." I cried and fought. So I was there. Glad that I was.

I was doing me. I was ready to move on into love. Open up. I had been dating a man some years younger than me whom I thought was a good fit for me. But turned out to be hell for me! Why???!!!!!!  I knew he was always doing him and not short of flirting, having sex or whatever! I felt we would never ever be together and chasing him would be a waste of my time. Because in my eyes wanting to give him all of me. He was not going to give me all of him. But, if I needed money, he was there! That is how I feel, or felt and still feel. To me, our rapport on both ends would be like a person who is heavily infatuated with a celebrity or movie star you would never have! You just fawn over them. Honestly, no ID behind these words. I feel that he was more infatuated with me that deep in love at times. I still do. He has always has called me a distraction! A bad distraction for him when he was around because of what I exuded. Intoxicating I guess. That is the only word I can think of. Which is a compliment? A huge compliment!  But not enough to be with just me.

When he came back I had decided to tell him that I was involved with someone. It took me about two months to tell him I was serious with this man. He was doing pop-ups, drive-byes and I was seriously considering moving just so that I could pursue this relationship with no interference from him. Little did I know at this time he was semi-serious. Loving and having feelings for another woman. It was two he was sexing and seeing along with trying to pick me up and put me back in the loop. As he flirted,I ignored and was turned off.I was in a relationship now! He later told me that when I told him that I think he may be the one he pursued this woman he now lives with.But why pursue me too? This is so frustrating!

It took some time for us to talk, for me to ask him to open up and be friends. That was what brought us closer in my opinion.  I had no attachments to him. While he still hit on me and flirted with me. I was over it! While I felt at this time I had the right man in my life.He was liberated sexually and mentally. We laughed all the time, talked all the time and had great bedroom etiquette in so many ways. So I was excited and he gave me what I needed and wanted. Or so I thought.

Walls had begun to crumble with the man I was involved with. I was let go from my job. My car was totaled, and my father's health flailing daily closer and closer to death.  I was now in a highly dysfunctional relationship that was worse than any relationship I had ever been in my life!!! I was faithful, I had not had sex with him in six to seven months are longer. That I could not do.  But I could feel that he wanted to with me. There was a bit of sexual tension he had for me.  As I vented about the mess I was in with my present relationship we had continued to build on just the friendship only. He was having it hard, I was having it hard. We had lunches, we hung out. We shopped together, ran errands together. We spent a lot of time together. I was his escape during the daytime knowing of the other women. There was something again about me.

Now without a car. He was doing all he could do and more than the man I was involved with was. He showed more care and concern towards me than the man I was with. While I was emotionally going through it. He was there. Months after us hanging out. We had sex, this opened up doors that should have not been open. He was now living with a woman that I knew all about. Feelings for the both of us. While I was over the man I was dating. Talking, sex had dissipated because of all the dysfunction he brought to the table. I had evil in my opinion in my home. 

So here we are, involved. In a mess! Now I must go back, go back to the know. Go back to feeling like an idiot getting involved with a man that I feel does not deeply care for me because of his actions in the love departments of my precious heart. There is none. Does he love me? Yes. Does he care? Yes. Is it time to take care of me? Yes. To accept things for what it is is what I must do. It was the last words that I took to heart after coming from a road trip. Him taking me to see my parents. In my bedroom, he told me."I am going to do right by her and I am going to do right by you." That gave me clarity. There was no me. There was no us. That I was to appreciate him just being a friend and loving me in his way. To take care of me. My heart, because all of what has happened and continues to happen is what I have allowed.

So now I have person that will do and be all that he can be and give all that he can give. But without being with me. What will I do? I know.....

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