When you feel like being caught up in precarious situations can get no worse than what they are.  Your emotions move you into the thought that gives solutions to false images and goals.  When you study when the test is available.  And yet, you still fail!
Do You?  Have you ever felt like just ending it all?  I mean I cannot be the only one in the world that has had this thought.  Too many times for myself.  That is my opinion.  As I sit here in the calm of the day.  Knowingly knowing that there are so many things going on in this world.  This second, this minute this hour.  Death, birth, fights, arguments, making love, work, driving eating.  Then the bad things, not that death is not a bad thing.  But to the many people that are being abused from men to women and children.  To those who are dying, sick.  Starving, lost everything!  Just these overwhelming thoughts that I have of all the evil and disenfranchised make my life, my issues, my world very small.  Like I am just a peon on this earth.  Hurricanes, storms, earthquakes are on the rise and people are dying and have had everything taken from them.  Left with absolutely nothing! My world, my problems, these thoughts of ending it all are so minuscule. But when it all comes down to my woes, my life, my choices and my hurt it is as real and painful to me as anyone's else.  Then that makes me feel self righteous in some bad way. 

 I was feeling me, doing me, having too much fun and making bad choices.  Letting my flesh and lust for many things catch me at the wrong time.  Which was the wrong time period.  A time in my life that I was riding super high!

 Five years ago I found the love of my life.  Dreams and fairy tales come true.  At least for me they do and did.  I had graduated from Howard U with top honors and all sorts of achievement awards and accolades.  I was the man!  I had job offers waiting for me before I graduated.  See it wasn't that I studied very hard to get good grades.  I was just one of those people that could read something, listen and learn and get it.

 I had an ego about it.  Of course I did!  I was just one of those people that caught onto things very quickly.  So reference letter after recommendation letters were written for me by all my professors as a promising addition to any fortune 500 company.  The world was mine right?

 I partied hard, orgies, frat parties, wild threesomes, getting stupid wasted along with popping speed here and there.  Smoking weed all the time.  I tried coke.  Not my thing!  But I experienced being on my own.  I went straight form high school to a university that gave me a righteous scholarship.  I was good in sports.  But I didn't get those, well I did.  I just refused them.  I wasn't going to tear up my body for a scholarship.  Give me the academic scholarships.  That is what I got.  I doubled up on my major and finished school in four years for my Masters!  Trust me, I was burning the candlestick.  Partying and a double major?? I rode four scholarships while in school.  My parents barely paid for my higher education.  The monies they sent helped me pay rent, eat well and dress well.  They had been saving money up for me and my education since I was a baby.  I got all A's so they trusted me to do the right thing.  In that aspect I did.

 Being the man, the charmer, the dandy that I am.  I wooed and had my choice of any woman and had any woman I wanted on campus.  This smart, sharp sexy good looking man coming on campus was the talk!  I was known before I got there by staff, professors and students of course.  How can this young prodigy come to school and be offered so much and given so much carte' Blanche!  I was that young boy! Fresh-eyed ready to get into trouble!  I did!  I also got out of it and not once caught.  Having my own brand new car from graduating high school.  My first year I had my own dorm room.  The second year I was on my own with my own apartment very close to campus.

 My last year I had met a beautiful girl, young lady that had transferred to Howard.  She wanted to finish her degree there.  Moving to the east coast from the mid-west.  She was a quiet and very sexy beauty.  Not knowing in my opinion of how sexy and gorgeous she really was.  Due in part that she acted nothing like the stuck up sexy women that walked this campus.  I can say as a man hoar I have had sex with a plethora of women on campus.  Not counting the ones that I had met off of campus.  Those were the older women.  The ones that were six and some ten years older than me.  They gave me my knowledge, truth, wisdom.  They were those that taught me how to talk, have sex, kiss, touch and treat a woman.  A couple I still keep in touch wit.  No sex, just very close friends.  They knew their part, so did I. 

 I would watch her, I studied her.  I watched as she was personable, easy to approach.  But turned a lot of guys down.  I watched her as she studied, as she ate alone.  Or with the few girls on campus she would eat with.  She dressed modest.  She was not there to play around like a lot of us.  I could tell she was serious and had no time for any drama.

 It was one night that there was a party at a friend of mines.  As I was talking sipping on a beer.  She walked in.  Months and months of watching her from a distance.  Here she was not far from me.  She looked nothing like what I have seen on campus.  She had on make up.  Her hair was done differently.  She had on high heels, stilettos.  A very tight clingy in all the right places white dress on.  My mouth fell open.  It fell open literally!  She never dressed like this ever, nor wore make up.  She didn't have to, she was that gorgeous natural beauty. 

 I watched her as she spoke, waved, laughed.  It was like I would hide, get somewhere where she wouldn't notice me watching her.  I would have random conversations with the guest there just to keep her in birds eye view.  It wasn't until about three hours into the evening I had approached her.  Her name was Jade.  She was majoring in chemistry, biology.  So I knew she was smart.  She had beauty.  She also had conversation. There was not one guy in there that did not come with a date that wasn't trying to get her attention.  But she gave me attention.  She spent time talking, laughing, engaging me.  She smelled like nothing I had ever smelled on a lady, woman or girl.  She had this erotic exotic thing that was in her eyes, words, lips, vibe and smell.  She had me!

 I knew that Jade wasn't like the chicks I had been with.  I mean I had a girlfriend here and there.  Short-lived shelf life boyfriend girlfriend rapports.  None of the women or ladies on campus had got me.  I mean I say girls because they were, and some were older than me.  Some of them were cool.  Just not my type.  Besides, I wasn't ready to settle down with anyone.  That is until I met Jade!

 Jade said she did not want to be in a relationship while she was in school.  She had two more years and wanted to get through them without any madness or emotional ups and downs.  She was very clear about that.  Jade was also honest in that she was seeing someone off campus.  That they were not serious.  They had a love affair, an understanding.  They would go out here and there.  Basically bed buddies.  He was on her time mostly because she was not only in school. She worked a PT job too. I liked her candor and honesty.  She didn't have to tell me that.  So now I had a better perception of why she never gave the guys on campus a chance at her.  

 Jade and I dated hard, I pursued her with a vengeance. She had eventually became the only woman I was with.  Or girl at that time.  It was a year before Jade and I had sex.  I mean I gave her her space the first year.  I saw my older women through this period.  She was still seeing her bed buddy.  But I took up a lot of her time.  I waited it out.  I was glad that I did.  While Jade was in her last year of school.  I was graduating.  That is when we got serious and took our relationship to the next level.  So here I was on top of the world!  Job offers and the girl of my dreams!  My parents had fell in love with her long time ago.  Jade had the stamp of approval from any and everyone  that met her. 

 I had proposed to Jade six months after I graduated.  My mom picked out the ring and spared no expense on my pocket.  I had gotten the rest of my money that my parents had saved up for my education.  It was their gift to me when I graduated.  Most of it went on Jades ring and it was worth it!  A year after I proposed we were married.  I was happy!  I was making six figures.  My wife was a bio chemist.  She  was making close to six figures. We were the it couple, we were the couple that you wanted to be like. We lived very well, traveled all the time.  Had great sex, great love life.  We had our own interest outside of each other.  Then the things we enjoyed doing together.  My wife opened up her own bio chemist lab!  She was making mad money!  I was traveling more and more.  Most times Jade would go with me.  I remained faithful, that is until I met her when I went overseas to Dubai!

 Married for three years.  Faithful when we were in a relationship, engaged.  The whole kit and caboodle.  Here I was in Dubai with a woman I had no business being with! Period! This was to be a one-time thing night only!  And it was so magical! So awesome!  So wild! Afterwards I cannot tell you how many times I thought of this woman.  The mere thought of our night would get me aroused! 

 At work, checking emails.  There was one from her.  Telling me she would be in for a week handling some business.  She gave me her itinerary.  With an invitation to dinner.  I went back to our night and accepted the invite.  The whole week she was there.  I saw her and we had heated and steamy nights of passion.  This affair I had with her lasted for two years until....

 I was deeply in love with two women!  I don't know how, I don't know how I did it.  I craved both of them.  Loved both of them.  Wished I could move Harmony in the same house and love them and have the perfect poly relationship.  But I knew that would never happen.  Harmony was married in the beginning of our affair. Not once did she ask me to leave my wife.  Never any pressure.  She divorced her husband because he was an alcoholic and would not get any help.  She was at her wits end with his drinking.  Harmony and I saw each other four times a month as time went on.  At first it was a monthly trip.  Either I would go to her or she would come to me.  I would make plans seeing her when Jade would go out of town.  Two days or three days she would be gone.  I would fly to Harmony most times.  Just so that I wouldn't get caught.  I knew too many people, so did Jade.  A lot of the same people.  So when Harmony came out here.  I basically would find some hotel that was an two or even three  hours away in the far opposite of where Jade and I lived.  I was caught up, and and I knew it!  In over my head.  Jade was telling me that she was ready to have a baby.  We had been talking about it.  We had said that after her lab was up and off the ground we would do it.  Well here it was, three and a half years had come and gone and the lab was doing very well! It had doubled in business! 

 When I wasn't with Jade, I was thinking of Harmony.  When I was with Harmony, I was thinking of Jade!  I was betwixt! 

 Another year goes by and the shyt hit the fan!  In more ways than one!  I mean it was like a tornado had come and demolished my life in one week!  I felt like Job! Harmony was pregnant! I knew I was the father.  There would be no denying on my end.  She was keeping the baby.  There was nothing I could say or do.  I had told Harmony many times I had loved her. When I fell in love with her.  I was making sure that I kept her happy too! Harmony had a great career, she didn't need money from me.  But I spoiled her with cars, trips, flowers, clothes, shoes.  The same as I did for Jade.  I could not let her kill nor abort my child.  A child I loved and wasn't here.  I was going through so many things at the moment she told me.  What was I going to do?  How would I, could I be a father to this child?

 Two months later Jade told me that she was pregnant! I forgot!  She had stopped taking birth control pills over six months ago.  We were ready!  We had discussed it.  Me not thinking! Fuk! Imagine your mistress and your wife whom you are both in love with deeply are pregnant!

 Stressed, depressed, going through it severely I was at home with my office door closed.  I had broke down.  I was drinking, crying silent tears trying to figure out the mess I made.  How hurt and disappointed my parents and my in-laws would be if they knew about Harmony.  How the baby and Harmony would be treated.  How badly I would break the love of my life's heart Jade would hurt.  I was being a narcissist.  Having my cake and eating it to.  Caught up!

 Harmony had sent me an email of the first ultra sound she had.  Telling me how happy and she was elated to be having our first baby.  That she could think of no other man she would do this with and for.  How much she loved me and so on.  I was feeling like absolute shyt!  I had dug myself into a hole I was not going to be able to dig myself out of.  Someone was going to get hurt.  A lot of people in fact.

 I was awoken by screams and yells!  I jumped up from a drunken haze.  My head was pounding, my eye sight was blurry.  Zoning in on the shadow of what looked like my wife.  Yelling and screaming.  I was confused, this was not us.  In fact, I had never ever heard my wife scream nor yell unless we were watching a game or at one. 

 I had finally wiped my eyes, came to my dull senses.  Then zoned in to what she was saying. “So you have another woman pregnant Jordan???!!!! Is that what we are doing??? We are having affairs and getting side chicks pregnant??!!! Fuk you Jordan!  Pack your shyt and get the fuk out of here now!!!!!!

 I said nothing, she read my email.  Probably coming in here to check on me and why I had not come to bed.  I never ever stay in my office and fall asleep.  If I am up late in my office with the door closed.  I don't stay past 11:30. Most times Jade would come get me and tell  me that was enough.  That I did not have to work as hard as I do.  I loved her for that.  I truly did.  There was a few times that she had made dinner or the game was coming on and she would find me asleep and turn everything off.  Shut down my computer, wake me up.  Make me go eat, go shower get in the bed.  I loved her for that.  So looking at my cell phone seeing it was after midnight.  There had to be some concern.  So Jade came to shut everything down.  One move of the mouse.  There it was...the ultrasound a love letter.  Damn!

 I got up as I was told to.  I packed, she was not in our bedroom.  I just threw  all kinds of clothes in two suitcases.  A carry-on and left.  A week later, Jade text  me she had aborted the baby.  That she did not want to bring a life in the world with a man she had gave her life to and did not give a fuk about her.  Reading this text message I instantly cried.  I was hurt. Badly.  Two weeks later, the family was calling and knew what had happened.  My heart, my soul was broken and tattered.  I have no idea of how I made it from day to day when I walked out of the house.  I was walking in a ball of confusion.  Like I was hovering over myself in a spirit.  I could see and feel the depression on me heavy. The guilt, the pain. The hurt. Harmony felt bad in her own way.  But just like me, this was just a fling, an affair of wild sorts.  She was married and I was married.  She was making love to me to escape her husband.  I was making love to her out of lust.  I wasn't unhappy at  home.  I had no real complaints.  No, marriage was work.  We bumped heads, had disagreements.  Had to work on being there for each other.  Communication.  Not getting lost in work.  In money.  We had to work at it.  Marriage is another beast. Jade and I had to stay a top of so many things and then make time not find it but make time to talk, spend time together.  Give each other a listening ear.  But Jade did not do anything for her to warrant this behavior from me. I was more than a broken man.  Harmony, she was feeling guilt on another level.  Yet still excited to have our baby.  I was going to be a father. So what was it?  Was I now going to be with the other woman?  Was I now going to divorce my wife and be with Harmony?  That was my question.

 Two months later.  I was served with divorce papers.  Jade would not accept any calls from me.  I went right to her voice mail.  I was blocked from her email addy.  I was blocked from her world.  I had fuk'd up big time!!!!! It kept coming, back to back and back to back it all rolled in on me hard.  Two weeks later Jade's mom had gotten into a car accident and lost her life!! This was drama that added drama to the drama I was already into.  Of course no one wanted me around because everyone knew what I had done. They were all seeing if they could coexist with my parents who had nothing to do with me.  But of course being their child.  And their child was the one to hurt their daughter, family member  or friend.  No one had words for me nor wanted to see me. 

 I loved Jades family like I loved my own.  We all spent time together, interacted with one another.  Jades mother was my second mom.  I was embraced by her, everybody in the family I had met. Now this!  I tried and tried to penetrate.  I spoke to her dad.  I apologized gave him my condolences.  Paid for house cleaning  and a cook. When and if he wanted to eat.  No one knew but he and I .  I sent flowers , gave money.  He was hurt at what I had done to his daughter.  But his grief over his wife had taken the hurt of what I had done down to a mole hill to his mountain of grief.  I managed to get to a couple of family members here and there to speak to me. I of course asking about Jade.  She adamantly did not want me at the funeral nor did she want to see me.  Damn!

 I was in a tale spin.  Harmony was now asking if I was going to move out where she was or if she was coming here.  She was now going on five months. I couldn't leave my job.  So I had let her find a place to live.  I had been living at the Marriott Residence since I had left the house.  I had no energy to look for a place to live and could have cared less.  But I had a family now.  A family that was...

 Another month our divorce would be final.  I gave Jade the house, the cars and kept the one I left with.  We split the monies we had invested and saved down the middle.  She wanted no alimony from me.  It was over, I would not ever see Jade anymore.  If I did, it would be years from now.  That is the way I saw it. Maybe run into each other somewhere  Who knew.

 I did tell Harmony where to look for a place.  I wanted her to be an hour away from where Jade and I lived.  I had cut myself off from the friends and acquaintances Jade and I had.  I also did not want anyone to see me out and about with Harmony.  Nor bring Harmony around them.  Like I was flaunting her. 

 Four months later, here we are ready to have the baby.  The baby was born stillborn.  Intrapartum birth is what they called it.  This was another huge blow to me!!!! Harmony was devastated and hurt!  She felt guilt like no other.  Because she broke up a marriage.  Because Jade had an abortion her baby, our baby was to die because of our sins.  I had to admit, that is exactly how I felt. 

 Harmony had sunk into a deep depression the next three months.  There was nothing I could say or do to get her out of her funk. She would not go to counseling or any therapy.  So I was dealing with this and it was wearing me out.  Until I came home, and she was gone!  She left along letter that she had printed out from the computer.  It was five pages long.  Her apology for breaking up my marriage, the lost of my wife, my child. Our child.  The guilt and hate she had for herself.  That she could no longer live with me, be with me, get past this with me.  She needed space and to not contact her.  I was so burnt, so over all of the maddening drama I had been in over the past year.  I was glad she was gone.  Though it may sound bad.  It was the truth.  I had no time to mourn my child that my wife. Ex-wife had aborted.  My mother-in-law dying and not being able to talk to her.  To tell her I was wrong.  I knew she was soooo hurt over my actions.  Not going to her funeral, not being around family.  Jade and I did not see each other when we divorced.  We just came to an agreement by a mediator.  Shaking my head.  I was the one that suggested what I would give to her. Everything in the house, the house, the cars.  We equally put money in the accounts.  I offered to pay all the credit cards we had jointly.  She got a sweet deal from me. 

 I could not grieve my loving wife, I was pushed out of my home by my actions and choices.  Jade was loyal and faithful.  I knew, I knew in my heart of hearts Jade would never see me the same, nor love me the same.  Jade was a faithful woman.  She was an honest woman.  The thing that attracted me to her the most was the thing I ruined.

 Pushed in a ready-made family, having to look out for another woman.  Not marrying her.  I don't think that Harmony and I would have ever gotten married.  Live together, yes but because of how we got together and the guilt, I was wallowing in.  I didn't see it.  Not saying that it was not possible. 

 Now, losing a daughter.  No life, and now the woman I loved, the second woman that had stolen my love unexpectedly had walked out on me.  And I was okay with it.  I didn't think nothing else bad could happen.

 Here it was, a beautiful day.  I was thinking if I would be better not being here at all.  The calm of the day.  Then they, all three of them came and had a conversation with me.  Test, Trial, and Tribulation.

 It was Test that spoke with me first.  She said......

“Life is full of test and challenges.  That is what makes it life or a part of it.  You will always be tested and tried. Test never stop coming and going.  It may not be fair. But for you and a lot of people there are test some pass with flying colors and a lot that we fail.  Not paying attention to the signs, not studying, not discerning and being cognitive.  When life is teaching and you know the right answer. Some  rather give or take the wrong answer and know the correct answer.  We are tested by loved ones, work, friends and strangers.  All the time!  How will and what will be done when placed in a precarious situation. Your faith is tested daily!  What you truly believe in.  Your hopes and dreams are tested too! Will you take the easy way out?  Or will you take the dirty way out?  Will you play games, manipulate others?  Will you be a leader?  I mean will you stand for something, anything and not fall?  Do you have morals?  Test are going to come and sharpen your senses.  They are to make you stronger.  To build you.  It is never any fun.  It is not joyous.  When you look back and know you have done the right thing.  You saw that you passed the test.  You later saw an outcome of what could have happened to you had you done it.  You were tested.  You failed miserably.  You let the lust of another woman get to you.  You lost a child, a home, a wife, family friends and love.  Your test came in the form of a woman.  You failed.  Your morals were tested, honesty, family were all tested.  You have had all sorts of examples knowingly and unknowingly of others whom have done what you done.  And it has caused some major issues.  Lots of trouble and many lost. Test come in many forms.  Greed, hate, jealousy.  So many forms.  All of them are some forms of lust. Some test there are no need to take because the answers are there.  Does one ignore the answer?  Or does one  continue to be tested in so many different areas and endure the test and when the end comes.  One does prevail”  Then Test walked off into the day.  

Trial was right behind him.  He said....

 “Some people have it so easy.  While others just seemingly just get it and have it and don't seem to work for it.  Imagine all of the scientist, chemist, inventors of  many many things they were working on.  The trials and errors they had incurred trying to make the next big thing.  It didn't come over night.  Especially living in a world that was far from tech-savvy as the world is now.  Things are so easy. One can look up something on the WWW and be perfected in that area in due time. It feels to me as if you could be a carpenter, vegan, lose weight without any consultation whatsoever.  But, and there is a but.  The one, or people that put all this information had to go through all the many trials to perfect this mass invention called the internet.  Even a computer!  Trials are nerve wrenching.  Imagine the man that has been caught from killing another man.  How long his trial is.  He is being judged.  By a group of his peers.  So they say.  A test of performance, qualities or suitability of someone or something. One will always be on trial as long as there is breath in your body.  You will always have to perform in some way or another to prove and tested. I am very close to test and tribulation.  I am right in the middle of this family.  Test and trial go hand in hand.  Your trial was your morals.  The very fiber of your being. Some can get through it in different stages in their lives. Some cannot.  This is why we do have trials. For those who can't work that job, the marriage, the business and so on. The test and the trial was too much for them.  But there are those test and trails that are meant for us to push through.  To sharpen us, to make us diamonds.  Especially being a worthy cause.  Trials are never good, test are never good.  They are mentally taxing.”  He left.. And then came Tribulation...

 Tribulation was in the form of a woman.  Buxom, thick and solid.  She had on thick Armour ready for battle.  I was intimidated.  I felt that at any moment she could destroy me.  She said...

“I am in the mix, the turbulence, the unexpected overwhelming your world personally.  I in no means mean to do what I do.  But it is just in my nature.  Test, well that starts one off slowly into the progress of the journey.  In no way is Test as fierce and frightening as I am.  Test is merely an appetizer.  Trial, well he is stern and rules with an iron fierce.  He is my husband while Test is our child. The baby of the three.  Trial and I work very close together.  There is and has been and still is said.  In life there will be trials and tribulations.  Us, the couple.  Whipping you into shape.  See I wear my Armour all the time.  Trial puts his own before the battle.  I just like how, no I love how the Armour looks on me!  Trail and tribulations rule and rock the core of your inner soul and have you crazy!! Running around like you are losing yourself in yourself and consumed by the problem. Which was a test some times not all the time.  Sometimes there is no test its just us!  Trial and tribulations. The valleys, the ditches, the depth of the ocean is what we take one through.  You feel as if you can't and won't get through them.  You may have to go through a lot of things, You may have to lose love, faith, family and friends.  It may be death.  You may lose your job and your home.  Your car.  You may be homeless.  Someone took everything you have or had.  When there seems to be no light, no break, no mental and emotional rest.  When back to back seems as if it would just be better to just end it all because you are walking around, existing in hurt and pain.  Like the walls are closing in on you and you could break.  And as you -are walking, living, breathing.  Strangers that see you, co-workers have no idea of what you are going through.  Sometimes these trials and tribulations that come seem as if you are the chosen one.  Some of the trials and tribulations are brought upon yourself by you.  I have been on this earth since the foundation of time.  I have watched as words and ones deed has changed the course of a persons destiny and laid the foundation for their future.  Natural disasters in life occur.  Some of those trials and tribulations are things that people had nothing to do with and have been effected by others.  The fortune 500 company that invested in the wrong stocks and lost everything. White color crime that has stolen monies from its employees and they no longer have a pension nor 401k or an IRA.  They took, stole those peoples money and did what they wanted.  These people are now in a trial, a tribulation from the carelessness of others.  Selfishness and narcissism along with pure greed.  The leader over the country.  Not all are good.  The dictator that makes changes, starts wars unnecessarily. Changing employment, raising taxes, food, everything is gong up!  A depression has hit the economy! Trials and tribulations come in many ways.  Of course no one is a fan of me nor my counterpart.  No one is, why would they?  Why would anyone be in love with the two of us or all three of us?  In this life it is and always will be a fight.  Just imagine all of the people that say and do things that they want to do that effects you personally or from afar.  How gas was just 2.39 and when yo go to the pump to refill your tank. You are now paying 2.99! When did gas go up?  What happened?  When did this happen? How did this happen?  You are emotionally pressed.  You are a bit peeved.  Now what normally filled your tank no longer does that.  More money out of your pocket.  These are small trials and tribulations which eventually gets everyone that is paying these prices angry.  Taking money out of your pocket that could have, need to be spent elsewhere. What I am saying to you is that trails and tribulations come and go and will never stop as long as there are people walking this earth.  Depressions, food, water, living, love, death it comes in so many forms.  But I am here to tell you that some of the storms in life that have occurred.  Those tribulations can come from you, one person.”  And she walked away.

 Here I was, on the brink of wanting to give up.  Asking myself over and over how did I get here??? But I knew how I got here.  All of this I brought myself here.  Not including the test, trials and tribulations that are at my job.  Havoc and chaos was going on there.  I was working hard.  I was isolated, only a few people had started coming back around.  So not many were back in my life.  I was having bouts of depression.  I had no balance everything was off its center.  My emotions, thoughts, sleep, my life.  I found nothing good about myself and of life.  I was working on my family, they were disappointed and I was going over there more and more because I needed my mom and dad. We all were grieving in our own way.  Yes time heals things.  But how long will it take?  How long does one suffer?  How long does one keep beating themselves with guilt and reliving it over and over and how you wish you could change things.

 The world was in chaos to as I was going through it in my personal hell.  Tribulation was right.  We had a sick mentally ill president.  Gas was going up.  Racism, politics, and protest with many people bringing all of the trials and tribulations of the world. 

 I closed my eyes, I had it easy in my life. Because I indeed let my talents go to my head.  I had it going on!  I had parents that birthed me and took care of me and groomed me.  Wanted the best for me, and gave me the best.  Not spoiling me. I worked for it.  I was special because money, learning, women, success came easily to me.  I learned by so many!  The greedy, the liars, the charmers, the go-getters, the wealthy, the back stabbers!  I had been in a pool of them growing up. I saw so many things and heard so many things because this was real life, this is what men and women were. 

 I talked my way into a lot, but my actions backed me up.  I was a big impression.  To fight for me is the impression I wanted to give.  I felt that even Jade should be grateful she had me at times.  I was indeed a true narcissist on many levels.  Running people around like I was the shyt  I wasn't a CFO for nothing!  I didn't get paid the big bucks for nothing!  I saved these companies money, made money, took money and pulled them out of some hairy situations.  It was about me!  The man right here! Women threw themselves at me.  I flirted for years, but never stepped outside of my marriage until that night in Dubai. I had to, and that was where it all started. 

 Being me, being the man!  Drinking out of gold wine glasses.  Sitting amongst the wealthy and living large.  Speaking of kings.  I was the shyt! I knew when I saw Harmony that she was not apart of a harem.  I personally never been attracted to women that really had not true substance.  I had them all through school.  Yeah they were all working on their degree.  But the loose ones, even the ones that worked hard.  I didn't see nor felt that empowered energy!  I was attracted to the women that felt they could take on the world!  That they had what it took!  My parents were like that.  My father always taking up some class.  He and my mother would pick classes to go to together at night.  Learning how to work a computer, write a book.  Whatever they picked they were always open to be taught and learn.  So it was seeing how my mother was empowered.  How my father encouraged that in her.  Every little hustle or small business my mother got into eventually flourished.  She closed it down not because it no longer made money.  She closed it because she was bored with it and was done with it.  It came easy to her!  It was with that arrogance I got that life was just too easy.  My ego had swelled up and out of control!  Like women are attracted to men with power, wealth and fame.  I was the same when it came  to a woman.  Not many that had that empowerment of how I liked it.  Harmony and Jade were the only two women I saw that in.

 I can say all day that I never meant to hurt Jade  all day and night.  It sounds good.  But when I break that down.  It is such a false lie.  It is the reverse.  I meant to hurt Jade!  Because I knew if she found out it would be just that, hurt! So how can I justify my actions by merely saying, “I never meant to hurt you Jade.”  I could rehearse that line over and over.  And still it would not help her feelings nor mine. It is the punk way to go out begging for your woman to come back.  Now you are on hawk watch, counseling, talking, hearing, feeling the angst in the room.  The energy, the love making is not right.  The gifts, the extra attention.  A lot you have to do because of what you have done. 

 What profit a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose his soul? This was me.  I had it, what I thought was all.  Sometimes a lot is never enough. 



 It had been a year.  I still had no communications with Jade.  I was now fine with that. The last time I saw my ex-wife was when she told me to get out and I was in a drunken haze.  I of course ran into friends of ours.  We had started to rebuild our lives together by communicating.  The closeness eventually came back with some.  Some were able to still remain close to me and Jade.  I never asked them who she was seeing or how she was doing.  They never offered.  That is the way I kept it.  Though curious I was, angst about asking I was.  But Jade had moved on from me.  I had to move on from her.

 I had found out some shady things that were going on in the company.  Some mafia type investments and wire fraud madness.  This I found out on a complete fluke! I began shopping my resume, I left.  Three months after I had left the company went bankrupt and key players all on the news were caught in a scheme.  I was also under investigation for a long time!!! I never told anyone I found out the info which made me shop my resume to leave.  I never let anyone know that I was leaving.  When I got a better offer than what I had.  I gave my resignation.  Went on a week vacation and started my new job. 

 I had to testify in court about all of these men I worked for.  I was interviewed by co many different lawyers, investigators it was ridiculous.,  My world and life had been turned upside down. I was background checked, my bank accounts were seized I mean the whole nine yards!  They didn't and couldn't find anything on me.  I was clean!

 Then, then she came.  Harmony had never left.  She had just left me.  She stayed and she bought her a house.  She came over to the house that I had bought for her and myself to live in as a family with our daughter.  A knock on the door, my face confused because I was expecting no one. I looked through the peephole and there she was.  Looking radiant, healthy and beautiful.  I opened the door and let her in.  We hugged saying nothing for a very longtime. I mean, absolutely nothing.  We held on to each other for dear life it seemed.  We let go.  We held hands and walked into the living room. 

 There was silence for awhile.  Then Harmony spoke.  Telling me what she had been up to. Moves she had been making.  Healing she had to do.  Thinking and fighting all of the crazy thoughts and emotions she was having.  She had to forgive herself to move on.  She had to do it by herself.  I respected her decision.  I had to do the same.  I had not seen nor spoke to Harmony after she had left either.  There was just soooo much going on.  I loved Harmony!  There was no doubt about it.  But after the smoke cleared.  I loved Jade more than I loved Harmony. But my love for Harmony was true if that makes sense. 

 After the two of us talked for hours.  Connected in many ways. We both decided that we would start off our relationship a new.  That we both were divorced.  We would date, hang out.  Be relaxed in each others company.  Something we really could not do.  Had not done.  Could not be.  We decided that we wanted to really take the time out to get to know each other without the let's hurry up and get this time in and be allll over each other because you have to get back home to your wife. 

 It was hard, I will admit not wanting to have sex with Harmony.  Give her all this passion.  But, it was the best thing for us.  I am not saying we went a years or years not making love.  Noooooo this was not a Jade and I episode. Far from it!! We had been there already and done that.  I knew what Harmony was like in bed.  I knew that passion and fire.  But the inner Harmony I really did not know.  Nor did she know that of me.  And since all of the madness and mayhem had broke out and smoke had cleared.  It changed a lot of things in me.  I matured in some other ways.  So now I was fully working on being a better person, a better man.  Oh yeah I still was fukn up and had to stop myself a lot in some situations.  But I was more aware.

 We did silly things together.  Fun things together.  Bowling, golfing, movies and plays.  We went on long walks, hikes. We went to dinner, had brunch.  I learned her inner secrets, her life, her past.  Her pet peeves and dislikes.  She learned mine.  We grew, we laughed and we talked.  Nothing required but asking questions and getting to know one another like never before.  The love and admiration I had for Harmony was deep.  If I let her go, like I messed up and lost Jade.  I would be stupid as hell!  I didn't want to rush it.  But, I knew I would find nothing better than Harmony.  She was my second chance. 

 Harmony did not hold any of our past against us.  We both had to let that go.  As hard as it was for us on many levels. One not trusting the other at times.  Because of how we met, how we both were cheating on our spouses when we met and started the affair.  We had to let go and forgive ourselves in that area and each other.  The easiest thing to relay.  The hardest thing to work through.  But we did. 

 Time moves on and never stops.  As I relay my story in all its truth and transparency.  I heal, I can tell no lies and be deceitful.  Why tell a lie when the truth is just that much easier. Even if it does sting and get you in trouble.  Apparently, you were a thrill seeker when you did it!

 Anyways, Harmony and I moved in together after six months.  She sold her house and we cohabited for another six months.  My family met hers, and her family met mine and life was good.  We connected.  A year in, Harmony and I are now married.  Expecting our first child.  Well our second child together.  Starting anew, through all the test, trails and tribulations of life, my life, her life, our life.  We have manged it pretty well. We have grown in many ways.  We have had major disagreements, slept in other rooms.  But we have worked it out.  I have found love again.  I have fought for love the second time around.  Yes, I fought for Harmony.  I didn't charm her.  I had to break down walls.  I had to let her know me and know that I didn't and wasn't  the big bad wolf. She had to fight for me.  Did we want this?  Did we really want o be together?  Did we fill a void and a need?  Were we good for each other and to each other?  Did we have what it takes to compromise and get it done?  So many questions, so many answers.  And we worked on us and this love for this love.  I could not at this point in time of my life imagine Harmony not in it.  Though I still loved Jade in the depth of my soul.  Because that was love and I did love her.  But time heals old wounds.  New beginnings are present everyday.  Just you need to take them!

 I was content.  I had no real issues with Harmony.  We were both human and got on each other's nerves at times.  But we were good to each other.  We laughed, played, hated, fought for each other.  She was a good wife and friend to me.  I was hers.  All that fakery and phony high-mindedness were not us.  We were a bit more humbled and appreciated what we had and how we worked for it.

 I am older now.  Just the right time in my life to be married. To have a baby come into the world and become a father.  Just enough man to know and feel war wounds of the various things life takes you through.  Scars.  My scars may not be like a lot of people.  But I do have some.  I may never ever have been homeless or without. But I lost out on things that were of extreme value one could never buy.

 The test, I will continue to go though in life.  This marriage, being a dad.  At work, the world, myself.  So I have to get through the many tests. The trials and tribulations that come with that too.,  Some cannot and won't be helped.  Are beyond my control.  It is how I choose to get through them is the real test!

 “Just Toy”

Written Expressions



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