In the warp perception of heartache an past pain.  The realization of trust and distrust.  How does one face the facts without carrying so much baggage?  Is love just an ideal? Is it something that one can rely on without betrayal? Is this what some have come to?  Or should we all become serial daters and not believe in love anymore?

They all were convincing to a certain extent.  Alllll of them!  That says a whooole lot!!! I consider myself to be what one may call a serial dater!  Yeap, in reference to a serial killer I guess one could say.  Some do not even make it to the first date.  Some do not make it past one phone call or even a text!  Some may make it past the first date to a second date.  However it is my untold issues, flaws, expectations of the opposite sex.  I swear the older and older I get the less tolerant I am of other people’s crap!  Realness is the business that I live in and come from.  

Try this on for size.  My mother was an alcoholic and abusive.  While my father was a cheater, liar and manipulator.  My next door neighbor which was an old man that molested me for yeaaaarsss! The kids in the nighborhood called him Gramps.  I can’t of course speak for anybody else except for my BF at the time.  She was molested by him a time or two.  All the children in the neighborhood would come to his house with his open garage and he would fix on something they all had.  Rather that was flat tires, skates, skateboards.  Or just to talk and keep him company.  Dirty old man! Of course everyone in the neighborhood loved him and thought the world of him.  Of course all the parents spoke highly of him.  I am sure that his wife knew very little about it.  If she did, well, she turned a blind eye to it.

Then I was molested by my uncle.  Well he was a young uncle.  Twelve years older than me.  Yet and still I can vaguely recall the multiple times he had me. Or should I say forcing me to put my mouth on his penis.  Even trying to penetrate me.  I do recall hiding under the bed when he would come looking for me.  The sad part about this was.  My uncle was not a bad looking man.  Not at all!  In my warped sense of thinking only ugly, fat, can’t get a woman, dirty old men molested and raped women and little girls.  I guess I am all phuked up in the head.  Nooooooo I never got any damn counseling!  Go figure!  I sure need it though now.  

I was raped too!  Damn!  What else could happen to me?  I got pregnant too!  It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.  I had just gradutaed from high school.  I was so determined to get out of my parents house that I excelled in school.  I had heard so many success stories and literally seen success that was my only way out!  I was not good in sports.I never  was the popular girl and joined all the cutesy clubs and became a cheerlearder and all.  But, I studied and studied hard.  Some things came natural and some things just didn’t.  I loved history, english and literature a lot!  So a lot of my time just to stay out of the house was spent at the library.  There was nothing else to do.  So why not?  

I graduated with honors, on the Dean’s list and had gotten a scholarship to go to any university of my choice.  Four years to be exact!  Now it’s not to say that I had bad parents.  They just did bad shyt!  My mother was very loving when she wasn’t drinking.  My father loved to dote on me and brag on me every chance he got.  But for the life of me I could never figure out why they stayed together.  This, that couldn’t be love!  To this day they are still married.  I wouldn’t say in love.  But, I guess they do love each other at the end of the day.  Go figure.

I was just tired of all the damn dysfunction.  I knew a lot of people didn’t live this lifestyle.  Nor grew up this way.  So Iwas again determined to get up and out of there! If they wanted to have WWF in the house.  Yell and carry on.  They could do it on their own.  I was tired of calling the police, breaking up arguements and hearing them.  They both were miserable.  When they were not at each other’s throats.  They were like Mrs. Jekly and Mr. Hyde.  Totally opposite!  

I was sick!  Pregnant! Even though I had been molested I was scared to have sex!  I really was.  I had a boyfriend in my senior year of school.  He was more experienced than I could ever imagine.  Why would he want me though?  I mean he could have any girl in school!  He also had a bit of a rep too!  He dated the full spectrum of the rainbow.  Asians, white, black, Mexican and so on.  He saw no color lines.  But he was smitten with me.  First let me say.  I did not think highly of myself.  Yeah, yeah boys talked to me.  I had crushes and boyfriends in school.  The most I had ever done was french kiss and get felt up.  That was as far as it went.  But when it came to Mason.  After about four months of us talking on the phone.  Him picking me up going to the movies, bowling, going to the beach.  Events at school and out to eat.  I had decided he Mason would be my first.  With that, he was the first boy I had sex with.  It lasted all of  senior my year.  After we graduated, Mason went into the army.  I mean right after.  Was I in love?  Ohhhhh yes!!! Was I sad and hurt that he was leaving?  You bet your bottom dollar I was!  However, I knew he was leaving.  I was prepared to move on.  But my heart and emotions couldn’t do what my mind told it to do.

It was the last day of summer.  I went to a party with my BF.  I didn’t want to go!  This is my first experience with listening to your soul, your first mind.  I didn’t particularly care for the people and boys she ran around with.  But she begged and begged me to go with her and his BF to a party.  I was suppose to be on a blind date.  However I had no interest in this idiot from the very start.  He was an arrogant and a cocky guy.  He was also very self righteous.  All I can tell you was when we went to this party, I had only drank some punch.  When I woke up, I was on my back, no clothes on in a dark room.  I had, apparently whomever had drugged me and raped me left semen between my legs.  I was so in shock, that I laid there.  Got up, looked for my clothes and hoped in my heart of hearts I didn’t get an STD or worse!  My mother just so happened was an OB/GYN doctor go figure! I didn’t want to tell her.  But when three weeks went by and my time of the month wasn’t on time.  I knew I was pregnant!  Mason and I always had protected sex! For me I was smart enough, Mason was smart enough.  No babies, no STD’s were wanted nor needed in our lives.  To be honest, I know that Mason slept around with other girls.  

The last thing I wanted to do was have an abortion.  But that is what I did!  I was depressed for months.  Thinking constantly of the baby I had murdered.  Recalling the tears that flowed from my eyes when I went under, and when I came from under the anesthesia.  I beat myself up for that for years! Promising myself that if I had ever gotten pregnant again that would be the last thing I did!

Evenn though my parents had their woes, issues, flaws and dysfuntions.  My father was a math genius!  Very sharp and highly educated himself.  He ran and owned his own construction company.  So I guess it was clearly meant for me to be a success too.  But again, like school and smarts came easy seemingly to my parents.  Some things just didn’t come so easy for me.  Biology, science, anything over adding, substraction, dividing and multlpulcation.  Everyting else went over my head.  So I had to study and get tutors which my dad had no issue in paying for.  Plus it kept me out of the house!

So fast forward to today.  I have experienced, seen, know, learned from others of life.  Sometimes, well most times learning from your journey’s and others are the best teachers.  So since I knew a few things.  I had very little tolerance for a lot.  I have been lied to.  Caught most of the men and women in lies, tom foolery and some form of mass destruction.  Yes, all players and manipulators get hurt.  Trust I have been hurt.  But most times not all I have been “lucky” to have enough sense to run and fold.  See going through and growing up in chaos, she has no time for the mellow dramatics, drama, cursing, fighting, screaming, manipulation, jealousy, insecurity and the list goes on!  Because my parents were so damn crazy.  They both were very jealous and insecure.  They had a crazy relationship.  Love to hate each other.  And hate to love each other.  That thin line beteewn love and hate.  But let anyone or anybody say or do anything, try to get over on one or the other.  They both will come out in full armour and regailia!  Now that I love about them! They are truly a Bonnie and Clyde!

Anyways, moving on.  My tolerance level for BS is nothing! I mean no box, no room no nothing! If I don’t like you, I just don’t like you.  If you say or do things that put up red flags.  I am out like the Road Runner from Looney Toons.  Who wants and needs extras?  However this has put me in the box, which I hate to put myself in a box.  The box of very few relationships.  Of course I have had some men in my life that we had a rapport, or dated seriously for some months.  Maybe a year.  I have only had two serious relationships in my life thus far.  One failed marriage that didn’t make it to two years under my belt.  So you get the point I am sure.

I’ve had what may seem a lot of romances.  I have been wooed by some wonderful men.  Some attractive, some not so attractive.  For a crazy flawed reason.  At times I like dating men that would really be beneath me.  Only because they , or most I should say adored me.  They thought so highly of me and will do what I need and want.  I enjoy the chase.  At times, and not sometimes.  It’s at times.  Because that crap can be overwhelming!!!! Too much for any person in my opinion.

Iv’e had only two relationships in my adult life that were longer than my marriage.  That is the God’s honest truth!  I’ve also had some love affairs.  Intense love affairs in my life.  Highly infatuated, it feels like love.  You walk on air.  You smile, get butterflies, happy, giddy love affairs.  But that is all they were.  Because once the clouds left the room.  Or should I say my vision.  Just like me to find, or now seeing the things I really don’t like about them.  Of course the true and real representative comes out and the visine is, has worked.  Clear……

Bad habits come out, attitudes, personas, anger, patience and so on.  What type of person are you really alll comes to the starting line up.  These are those that do not make it to the finish line with me.  I am perfect and all of that!  Now my hair, the way  I talk, the things I say, the things I do, dress, make-up, who is that ?  Where are you going?  Why is your phone always going off?  Where are you?  Comes out.  Also put downs, trying to cut my self-esteem.  Make me feel bad.  Nope not here!  Not at all!  The mommy boys, the men who want to be mothered.  The too clingy and needy type.  Cheaters, liars.  All that comes out reaaaalll quick!  I see it, sense it pay attention to it.  I am no fool!  I will block phone numbers quick!!!! At times for the silliest smallest shyt!  Or just because I don’t feel like being bothered with you.  Some men I get with and chat with.  I know we have nothing in common.  I don’t see anything happening between us.  I do believe that they see that as well.  Some are good with the one date and they never call back to hook up.  We had a great date.  We talked.  I didn’t give off any chemistry.  But far from rude!  Always engaging, asking questions and smiling.  But letting you know.  You and I?  We are good to be buddy ole pals!  So don’t even think about it! I like a man to feel as if I am an upgrade!  That they have upgraded!  As they should feel when they are in my presence.  Is that being mean?  Is that being cocky?  Too vain?  Maybe for some.  Maybe, but I like being honest.  This is about me.  Why lie?  Do I have insecurities and low moments about me as a whole???? All the time!! Sometimes I don’t want to look in the mirror.  Realness……..

Walking away from my marriage.  Not wanting or needing to be in a relationship fast forward two years later and my ex and I are in a relatiosnhip.  He wasn’t a bad ex.  Not the first time.  I just had to leave the state.  So I was gone for four years.  He stayed of course.  So it was mutual.  No bad break up.  However it was him who had approached me.  Said he was and still is in love with me and when I got married he was mad!  Upset! Hurt!!! We barely spoke when I was gone!  What is he talking about?  Moving on……

My third and last relationship that I’ve had in my life.  I cannot get rid of him to save my life!  We were in a relationship for two years!  Getting close to three.  He wore me out mentally, emotionally, physically the whole cu da gra! He wanted to have sex when I did not want to.  Asked for it so much I was turned off by him and being around him.  Hearing his voice made my jaws tight.  I can only take him in doses. Davis is five handfulls to my three.  A mirror of me in some ways.  But day or night, night or day Davis is like my mom and dad!  Come hell and water he always has my back!  Always giving and doing for me.  I know he wants me back.  But that chapter is closed.  I thought Davis would be the next Mrs. or Mister.  I dreamt of beautiful things between us.  Davis , no matter how many talks.  Even if I say, we have a friend lover relationship.  We are no longer in a relationship.  Even If I walk away and do me,  Davis wants to claim, rant, rave, get upset over me!  “I do everything for you!” or “You don’t love me.  I am going to stop asking.”  A pure Divo!  Drama King! A character of mass proportions.  But Davis has lied, got caught in deception.  A few more things.  And because of that, I can no longer love Davis the way I use to.  I no longer at this point in time of my life stand, nor want o be too close to a man.  Even think about being in a relationship!!! He was a vampire!  Sucked me dry!  Truth……

I’ve become a recluse, loner.  Yet I am a social butterfly to an extent.  I make my dates wait.  I give them I am busy with life dreams and goals.  Which is true.  However I have been under so much duress and drama with so many other factors not pertaining to men.  I have put a few things on hold.  The more money you make, the less of it at times you see.  Not that I am a big spender, highly materialistic and all.  I am good to myself, yes.  I treat myself. But within reason I do so.  I spoil me according to my standards.   Which means, as most or some.  We give and do for ourselves.  At times I have been able to travel, weekend getaways.  Shopping for myself, taking myself out to dinners, movies, lunches, concerts and so on.  Why would you want to have a man that could not do the at least?   My father paid all the bills!  He really didn’t ask my mother for much.  Though she contributed to the household.  My mother bought furniture, appliances, she loved a comfy well decorated home. She also loved a home that was inviting and warm.  Even though an alcoholic demon raged inside of her when she drank. Soooo I expected the same thing from a man that I dealt with.  I am no gold digger. Buuuuut……

So I was doing me.  I was doing and doing whom I wanted.  Sex was no longer as important to me as it use to be in my premiscouious days.  One to be drawn to a man that was drawn to me because whatever it was that I had seduced them.  Though, I really back in the day had no idea of how to seduce a man.  In my messed up head sex was the way to show me love.  You liked me, you wanted me?  Oh giddy up! Yay! Yay! I was the prize!  But the prize really was me!  I had to build my self-esteem up.  I had to know that I was valued. So many of the men I met didn’t even really know me.  Yet they wanted to have sex with me.  Didn’t know if I had AIDS/HIV, Herpes, and any STD, genital warts... nothing! Nor did they ask if I was a serial robber, killer nor murderer!  That I could set them up.  All they had was lust in their eyes.  A man that rushes, pushes and extreme in his aggression was far from what I needed.  Besides, if I went there nowadays you and I both had to get tested and still we would have protected sex until I was fully comfortable.  Lets face it! Who is to say that there is just me?  My trust values with men and cheating and having to have everything there lower head found attractive was not anything I could control at all!  Some men, some women said one thing about their sexual prowess and it was totally opposite.  So I had to observe, discern the very core of whom they were.  And trust, that shyt took time!

After being split up with Davis for about six months.  I had met a man that was six years younger than me.  Justin.  Justin was a blue collar worker that didn’t make much money.  But it was him doing a plethora of OT that made his pockets a little fatter than what they would have been had he not done the OT.  He was not an extremely attractive man, but he was handsome to an extent. The kind of man where I knew I was the upgrade and I was out of his class. I was not attracted to Justin immediately.  It took time for me to warm up to him.  Our first date he and I barely spoke.  I told him that if he and I wanted to get to know each other we had to talk.  Little did I know that he was opening up to me because he really wasn’t a talker as I was.  

Justin packed up his three bedroom house and moved in with his mom.  Later I found out why.  None of the other siblings wanted to be bothered with caring for their mom as Justice was.  Justice was a serious slave for his mother!  I mean what seventy-five year old was up all times of night calling and asking to bring home water, juice, cookies?  She was!  She managed to interfere with our plans every time we had a date.  It was cute in the beginning.  I thought how sweet! But it was going and happening entirely toooooo much!!!!

Justice I later learned did not care of his appearence when we hooked up.  Due in part that he was a bald man.  He would only shave his head on the weekends.  So if his hair, and it did .  grow back, that reef would appear.  Needing a shave, all of that waited until the weekend.  Me, I was fully into my appearence as he wasn’t.  Or when we had a serious date.  Of course this was later.  I of course didn’t expect him to look his absolute best if I went to his job.  He was a maintenence man.  Or even directly after work if we met up he was excused.  

Justice and I met up at coffeshops, lounges, movies until we fully got to know each other.  Or until I was comfortable with him picking me up at my home and knowing where I lived.  Still after he knew where I lived I did not invite him into my home.  The more and more time I had spent with Justice the more I became infatuated, I liked him, I was caught in a cloud.  I had gotten to know him a little more and more each and every time we hung out, text, talked on the phone.  

It was July 4th.  Three and a half months of dating and we shared our very first kiss.  It was amazing!!! He was an awesome kisser that had me with butterflies in my stomach.  Amazing! I also felt him below his waistline. Pow!!! Maybe a bit more than I could handle I felt.  I indeed needed to wait on sleeping with this man.  We did...we waited.  We got tested and then we went in.  Still having protected sex until I knew he was sincerely seeing and sleeping only with me.

Justice surprised me beyond belief.  He was a traveler.  Hsd his passport.  Loved a lot of the things I loved and enjoyed doing.  Also against my likes introduced me to some things I had not done before.  He loved taking me out to eat.  He loved being spontaneous.  I loved that about him.  Because he lived with his mom we couldn’t stay the night over his house and “make love”  Yes I said love!  He was in love and it took awhile for him to admit it.  I was in pure “infatuation”  I had love for him.  I was caught up in a semi rapture.  I had feelings.  But I was still on high alert because I had started noticing things about him and the real rep.  One thing was that his mother  was his extreme take care of and she was first.  Which means if I needed him in anyway I would be on the bottom of the list.  No matter what it was.  Calls in the middle of the night.  Her calling him in the midst of us having sex, us going somewhere.  When he called back, she would be fine if he missed the call.  Us running around doing for her.  Him asking me to do things for her.  Look, we were not in a relationship yet.  I was clear that we working towards that.  At least wait until six months of us being seriously being with one another.  Then we could say we were together.  I did not want to be in a relationship.  Still……

If I was ill, he didn’t come to the rescue.  I  had a flat, no Justice.  I needed him to do my shopping because I had twisted my ankle. No Justice.  Could you wash my car, cook for me?  All of that was a day late and a dollar short because his mom was a cock blocker.  Nice woman, sweet woman, loving woman.  But who were you having sex with?  Me or her?  So I bowed out.  Now I am back to being a serial dater.  Justice made it super clear to me.  He loved my hair, my looks, having sex with me, how I dressed, how danced.  These were just a few things he “loved” about me.  Justice wanted to have a woman, be in love so badly that he missed it.  

I was no cheater, sexually.  But when Davis and I had our moments.  Because I really tried to work it out.  But who in the hell can work it out with a stubborn emotional vampire who only wanted to have sex with you seven days out of the week?  No matter if I was on my cycle or not!  This man was a sadist of some sort.  I was a serial dater then.  

Gwen, Owen, Charles, Jake, Mike, Lauren, Paul, Carl, Norman and more were all of my getting to know or just hung out one time and didn’t make it to the start of the race.  Nor the middle of the race.  Too much to deal with.  Baggage like I had.  But I had manged not to take out on anyone what was done to me in past dating relationships nor present.  I mean, yes I had mommy and daddy baggage.  But it was the negative of their relationship I was not going to deal with any man I was involved with.  Though I cannot tell you why I dealt with Davis for so long.  And yet I can.  I had long ago fell out of love with Davis.  However he was my protector to some sort.  A go to if I needed anything. He knew this so he went out of his way to go above and beyond!  Trying to woo me because he knew he had messed up so many many times!

I was spoiling myself.  I was dating myself.  I loved “boutiquing”  meaning I loved vintage used stores and Goodwill’s!  I went to the best and worse of them and always found diamonds in the rough!  Minks, mink stole, designer luggage, purses, shoes brand new! Furniture!  I shopped for a lot of things.  I was and am a DIY girl.  I read more, I dated me!  Me, myself and I. I loved my self and my company.  I enjoyed being alone and not lonely.  I spent more time taking long baths without being disturbed.  I gave myself more pedis, I got back into my workout.  I started off slow because it had been so long since I had stopped.  That wasn’t me.  I sat in coffee lounges with my lasptop soaking up the energy on my laptop.  I sipped, I listened, I zoned out.  I focused on my ideas, dreams, goals and forward movement.  I had even made a vision board.  I smelled wonder and adventure in my future no matter all of the person and financial set backs I had.  

I thought hard on my present and my future.  Yes my past came up a lot.  But I had to keep my mind set on moving, through tears, through setbacks, emotions, mental, finances, people, family all of it.  Me……..

Negative had a way of showing up in all of our lives.  I just felt for a woman that was centered on peace.  That wanted to make people smile, love you, nurture and care for you found men and women that were extra’d out!  This was me back in the day.  But I had left those childish ways behind me.  Being needy emotionally and sexually had worn my azz out!  Would it not wear anyone out at some point and time?  Is it really getting older?  Or is it just you are tired and weary of going down the same road because you made the decision.  The choice, took the steps.  Past……

I was pouring time into my DIY projects, planning, gathering data, researching for my other goals and projects.  I was decorating my new house I had rented.  The house I wanted sold at a higher bid.  So I found this cutie with an option to buy after the year.  When I was still seeing Justice he had come to the house and did a few things for me.  He seemed to be neglectant and hesitant with me.  He made me wait.  Also, I didn’t have him over as much. I had at this time.  Placed space between us.  Because I knew it was going to go nowhere between us.  When he did stay a night.  I could not spend the whole weekend.   I would make up stories of things I had to do. I would act as if I was getting dressed.  When he would leave, I would go move my car and park it differently.  I believed that Justice did drive bys.  Later my discernment told me I was right because Justice had admitted it to me when I asked.  

I had gone little by little to Home Depot finding things to decorate the backyard of the house and my huge deck I had.  I found things of course in Goodwill’s all over.  I bought some used patio furniture and had a lady I knew make me cushions for the four chairs and two lounge chairs.  Davis, Justice were seeing the progress and both were jealous.  Jealous I was on my own.  Had made some forward movement from my past. I didn’t want anyone to spend a lot of time at my house.  Not these two.  Davis was working my last nerve because he was popping up, calling all the time, wanting to hang out, brought me something, wanted to take me somewhere.  I had told him too many times I needed and wanted to enjoy my home,  Not see him four, five times a week.  Stop throwing temper tantrums when he didn’t get his way with me.  Because there was a lot more history between Davis and I.  Ten years to be exact.  None with Justice and I.  Justice walked away  hurt and wounded.  I think of him.  But not enough to want him back.

I had went through so many trials, ups and downs.  Davis saw this, Justice came in on the beginning of it.  No the middle of it. Davis gloated to a certain extent of my demise, my falls wanting me to depend on him.  He relished in it.  Then Justice acted as if he wanted to save me and be there for me.

I, the serial dater was not only dating many men.  She was dating herself and loving it! I have dated men that swore they were “the man” making gracious big moves here and there.  I saw all through that.  All they wanted was sex.  Or they wanted me to bow down. Make an impression, cocky, arrogant and too much of a nacissit for me.  There is loving yourself, and that?  That right there was too much for me.  I dated men that were a bulb was missing. I met men that were very down to earth and we connected quickly!  I never ever got my hopes up.  Because they said something out of line and I just walked away.  Not all men need to be told off.  Not all men need to be placed in a place of you giving verbal discipline.  For what? Perception can be an evil twin sister.  You’re thinking and thinking you are seeing one thing and you are seeing and

hearing something else.  

I met men who had business propositions for me.  If they gave you some business, work and opportunity they gave me one.  For those who thought.  No felt the sun and the moon rised in my glorious azz.  They too made simple lies of promises to adore the very ground I walked on.  Men that thought I was the be all end all.  That thought I oozed all this sex appeal and warm energy that I “was the one”  and here we haven’t had a secod date.  Or we are simply on our third conversation.  These were the men I dated.  These were the men I didn’t want.  The manipulators, the impressors, the fakes, the phony’s, the liars, the hiders, the deceivers, the mommy boys, the overly cocky.  I had spoke or dated them.  I left them all at the alter.  Blocking them from my phone.  There was no need in communicationg anymore.  Some even looked for me and found me on my social media accounts.  Were very persisitent in asking why would I not give them a chance.  I am glad that I didn’t!  You have DM’d me on three different accounts and emails!!!! What the hell is going on here?  Pause…..

Yes...yes I am a serial dater.  Something is indeed wrong with me.  I am just only saying…..I am not doing it because I want to.  I am doing it because I can.  There is some baggage that is weighing my spirit down.  That is weighing on my soul.  For me to have a disdain for men.  To be able to have the ability to walk away.  To be able to block.  To have power over those who want me and will never ever have me.  I leave them wiondering why and how.  The are not even memories.  I am sure they have asked themselves many times “What did I really do for her to block me?” Though I may have real “reasons” why I choose not to deal.  Why I choose not to even let some of the rapports go as far as a few conversations.  Disertations that left me feeling, hmmmm, no longer interested.  Knowing and discerning the truth and dicerphering the lies form the truth.  Looking past the BS.  Because we all have some BS we need to relay and articulte in a grand way where we feel others can innerstand and feeeeel us!  ----

When you are in a state as myself.  You tend to see the good, the bad, the ugly, the I really don’t care. I’m good, bug off, step off, I am not getting my way like instant coffee me!  Pause….I needed a mental break ftom men, from relationships.  As it stands the Universe is playing a cruel joke.  Because the men I meet all, well let’s say 98% I meet.  They are “actively seeking a relationship” “Looking to get married” type.  You gotta, you must cleanse yourself.  So it is a good thing to be faithful to me.  Selfish.  No more favors.  Unless it is plaeced on my heart.  No more giving all oif me.  Holding some back for me.  I promise, I promise not to carry no hate, angst and hurt in my past to my future.  I say future because I am working towards the future in being the better woman for my Mr. Right.  Taking time to be submissive to me, the spirit, my soul, to God.  To life as it is.  To work on not stressing and holding mean-ness in my heart. Pause…..

Their are goals, not resolutuons.  Goak\ls, promises to myself are the big and small resolved and resoluted issues that will all slowly disapte in time.  That was life.  What bothered you yesterday, well it could be something that is a thorn in your side for years,  But we, me I change that.  I am a serioa dater for now.  I could careless of digging in a mans pocket and asking for money.  I have favor, I don’t want to ask.  If you and I are dating we have each others back.  Period….

Serial dating, that is all I am talkinmg about.  Looking towards the future with this entity and being.  I have Davis, he dearly loves me from a place that he has been and always has been stuck in.  HIs love for me, his guilt, his fear of losing me.  HIs need for me, his want for me, his lust for me, His……..

I proclaim healing in my life and in my soul and un-bitter heart.  I can be her, I can be this woman who is just what she says she is.  A serial dater.  Until…….

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions


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