Some of us, a lot of us are extremely sensitive to so many things in our lives!! Rather that be family, friends, money, jobs, cars or clothes.  Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeves, collars and the end of our fingertips.  What may not matter to other's may matter a whole lot to us!! We should be careful and wary of how we treat other's and not take anyone else's "sensitivity" for granted! 

 THE SENSITIVE SHYT!

“Hey. Thanks for coming over.”  I shut the door behind Marla.  Marla always came running whenever she felt something was wrong.  Though I felt there was always something wrong or going on in my life.  I loathed the fact that at times Marla could feel my energy even when I didn't want her to always play Robin Hood and come to my rescue.  I didn't want to wear her out or push her away.  I hated being or feeling needy.  But this was a true friend, real friend.

“I brought Chinese.”  She held up the bags.  It smelled so good!! I already knew where she went.  And Chinese food was my favorite! She walked directly to my kitchen, and I took a deep breath.  I didn't want to relish nor give light on the recent event that had took me to the level of being hurt once again.  I walked in the kitchen, as Marla removed the food from the bag, I opened my dishwasher and got out some clean plates and forks.  I placed them on my island. And then retrieved some wine glasses.  I guess this would be another day or night.  Because no matter how hard I would refuse to talk, Marla was going to pick, probe and pull it out!  Why wasn't this girl a psychiatrist I don't know. 

“John hooked me up with some extra food!”  I smiled through my pain.

“I believe John is feeling you.  He never gives me extras when I come in.  Just you, and he always asks about you when I do go in and order.  He has a smile that is as wide as the ocean and lights up like the sun rising.” We both laughed.  It felt good to laugh and hear the laughter.

“I don't know Sincere, a Chinese man? Un Unh, how does that work? Normally it is a man of color and a Japanese or Chinese woman.  Not the other way around.”  She frowned and was shaking her head.

“Is that what is keeping you from dating him or giving him your number?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe, you know how people can be.”  I gave Marla a look of surprise.

“You care what people think?  You?  Pssst! I know I am hearing you wrong! The chick that has defied so many rules of décor, dress, thoughts, speech and more!” Marla was fixing our plates, and I was uncorking a heavily chilled bottle of Chablis.

“It's not what other people think, I said it wrong.  It is what his family would say or think of me.  John bringing a woman of color to his family.  Hell my family knows me, my friends know me.  There would be no judgment of me.”

“Well Marla what if John is the same?  Look at you!  You are a gorgeous woman!  I say take a chance!”  I was now pouring the wine in wine glasses.  The smell of the food was wafting through the kitchen. You could see the heat rising form the food.  My stomach growled, I was hungry, I hadn't eaten in two days from being stressed.  But that is what I did.  And that is why most times Marla came by she brought food.  She didn't make me eat, but she knew eventually I would. 

“Maybe, maybe I will say something and respond to his little flirt next time.”  I smiled.

“Good!  John is a sexy lil thing!”  I winked and took a a long sip from my wine glass.  Marla had pulled back a bar stool and sat down at the island and had started to dig into her food.  I wasn't ready to eat as of yet.  So I sipped on my wine after pulling up my chair to my island directly across from Marla.  I rubbed my hand across my marble island as if it had feelings. 

“So how is Scott?” Marla asked.

“Scott is good.  I told him I had to handle a few things and that I would be leaving for a couple of days.  He wanted to come by.  But I am not feeling any company, well not his.”

“You always do that Sincere, that shyt is going to get old.  He eventually will see through you and know that when you are stressed you push him away.”

“Better that I push him away then run him away.”

“It is not healthy, all the lies and cover ups and fake smiles all of that is not good.  Like why can you not express how you feel.  I mean when you are mad, pissed, perturbed or even angry?  All that baggage you holding onto from your last relationships is unhealthy.  Just because they didn't understand you doesn't mean he won't.  Open up Sincere.”

“I open up to you.”  I sipped some of my wine.  And Marla gave me an exasperated look and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling.  I looked behind me out of the kitchen window.  There was a beautiful blue jay that was sitting on the ledge of my kitchen window.  It was bright and beautiful outside, sunny, nice breeze flowing.  I could see the trees talking to each other in my backyard.  I got up and opened up both of my kitchen windows to let the breeze in.  Instantly I walked over to my oil burner and added oil, lemon citrus my fav.  I went in my drawer and retrieved a tea-light candle and lighter.  I lit my oil burner, and was eager to smell lemon permeate through my kitchen.  Though the blue jay had flown away when I opened my windows because he or she was startled.  It placed a smile on my face when it came back and stood on the ledge of my window again. I was not going to debate with Marla.  She was right.  And besides I had told her oh so many times that people really do not care how you feel and what you are going through most times.  Though she agreed with me, her rebuttal would always was, “Not the ones that care about you.”

“How does the food taste?”  With a mouthful she nodded her head yes and put a thumbs up with her eyes closed.  I smiled.  She chewed, I sipped and she grabbed a napkin off the island and wiped her mouth.  Grabbed her wine glass and took a few sips to wash her food down. 
“So are we going to play cat and mouse or what?” 

“No.”  And I looked out of the window, inhaling the lemon citrus scent.  Feeling the breeze come through the kitchen windows.  My friend the blue jay had finally moved on after talking to whomever. 

“Well what happened?”
“My dad told me to fuk off and not to call him anymore.”  I finished the rest of my wine and grabbed the bottle and poured another half  a glass.  I put the wine in my freezer so that it could remain chilled. I could see Marla's face from my peripheral vision.  Her mouth was open and eyes bucked.

“What?!”  I nodded my head yes.

“Why?”

“Well he said that he was tired of me calling and he didn't want to be a father to me.  I was getting on his nerves.  The reason why he wasn't there in the first place was because he didn't want to be bothered.  And that he had tried, but it was stressing him out.”

“The azzhole has never been in your life, you found him!”

“Well it is how he feels.”
“Damn him for saying that to you Sincere!  Oh baby I am so sorry you had to go through that.  Damn..”

“Look, I am over it and tired of him and my mom.  I grew up okay, I guess.”
“You guess?!  You guess?! Pleasssssse!!!! You are doing a hell of a lot better than both of your parents put together.  And I think that they are jealous and huge haters!  Look at you! You live in a super posh neighborhood.  You have a hell of a career making six figures a year, smart and beautiful as all outdoors and the sun that shines!! A success in all that you do.  Your mom is living in a studio apartment and always calling and begging for money.  Your dad is barley making it; all he can do now is stay in flea bag weekly motels.”

Oh well...”
“You know your parents, or blood parents don't matter.  I mean they do.. But Sincere as hard as it is to do and the emotions and pains you are going through and have gone through.  They don't deserve your kindness and love.  Look how long you have been trying and giving?  What you want to be used and walked over until they die?  You have a wonderful adopted mom and dad that give and give to you whenever you need.  So what!!! So what your parents are not what you want them to be.  Look Sincere.... you have to let go see your worth and know your worth.  Get some damn counseling if need be.  Find a new outlet.”  Just then my cell phone rang, it was my mother, my birth mother.  It was like Marla had brought her up.  Marla looked at the phone. 

“Which mom is this?”

“Birth mom.” Marla picked up the phone and answered.

“Hello”

“Sincere?”

“No, this is not Sincere.  May I ask who is calling?”
“Uh...yes would you tell her Melissa is on the phone?”

“No.”

“What?!”

“I said no.”

“Who are you?”
“This is Marla.”

“She never told me about no damn Marla.”

“I am sure she hasn't because you are selfish and don't care about her nor love her which is extremely evident.  You call when you want money or your bills paid.  See I know all about you. So as of this moment you do not call her phone anymore and your money supply has been cut off!!”
“Bytch!!...”

“I am a bytch!! Just like you!  Sincere only wants to bound with you and build a relationship of love.  Forgive you and move on.  But you and her father have treated her like shyt from the moment she has walked back in your lives.  So just as you gave her up, I am stepping in and she will give you up. You have and will be blocked on this phone.  Good-bye!!”  And Marla hit the end button.  Passed me the phone.  Now block her and erase her number.  I took my phone from her and did just what she said.  I even removed all of her and my birth fathers numbers in my call log and text messages and blocked him as well.  Marla was right!! I had two great parents, And for the past three years I had been given and going through hell with my natural mother and father.  I was a success because I had the support and love of two parents that had my back in all that I wanted to do.  And here I was taking shyt and letting them stress depress and hurt me. 

“Thank you Marla.”

“It was way past time, and if you really wanted to seriously bond and build with them they would have been by.  You are cautious of them still after three years.  The relationships have not changed for the better but have gotten worse!  Go head and eat!! After we eat I will call Essence and set up some counseling sessions for you!  I have been going to her for years.  Now eat your food, it's getting cold.  All this damn sensitive shyt will drive a person nuts!!”  We both laughed.  She winked her eye at me.  And tears had started to fall from my eyes.  I was done, hopefully this counseling would help, I needed it.  And as more tears fell from my eyes, I am sure there would be more over them.  But I closed my eyes and inhaled the lemon scent, felt the breeze on my skin from the trees blowing in the wind.

 

 

 

I don't know what more this woman wants!!! I am not what she wants me to be it seems.  I take her out and show her good time.  I mean we have gone so many places and have done so many things together!  If she thinks it or mentions it.  I get the tix or make some arrangements to get her there.  Her favorite foods and restaurants I make sure she eats at them.  I have had flowers, balloons and stuffed animals delivered to her home and office.  We have vacationed at some posh places she has been dreaming of going to.  I try and be the lover and the man she wants and needs.  I listen to her, I pay attention to her.  And yet, yet this still seems as if it is not enough!! And this is what is driving me crazy!! She ask me over and over do I love her.  Well of course I love her or I would not be with her.  Do and take her to the places that I have.  I show her I don't tell her. I mean don't actions speak louder than words?  Why do I have to tell her?  Look I am not one of those soft soupy dudes that will sing and say sappy words filled with emotions.  That is not me at all!! Yeah there are some men that can write, sing, and recite poetry to women.  If that is what you need from me then you are barking up the wrong tree. 

 

I mean she is right, not one card or any flowers, balloons or stuffed animals have I stated or while we have been together have I said those words “I love you” But when she asks me I simply sate, “Do my actions not tell you more than words?”  She tells me she loves me and I cannot say that I love her in return.  I see how it breaks her spirit and her heart.  She does not tell me how much she loves me anymore.  And this hurts me deeply because I know for a fact this is how she expresses herself. I mean don't get me wrong, she is a giver just as I am.  She has paid for trips and has surprised me so many times with many gifts that would have some card attached saying those three words that would warm my heart, “I love you” Now....now.....I just smile and wink  my eye.  I cannot tell you the last time she has said those three words.  And I know that she has grown tired of me.  All she wants is to know how I feel about her, to express my feelings.  We have been together for three years and this is the woman I love and want to marry.  I have told her this.  And yet she says “How can you marry or propose to a woman and not tell her how you feel or how much you love her?”  And I cannot answer her. 

 

I can tell her how beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, smart, wonderful, loving, compassionate, giving, understanding and positive she is.  Compliments come easy from me all the time.  She stirs so many wonderful things inside of me.  She makes me weak when she smiles.  She gives me chills sometimes when we make love.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the way she loves me.  But yet I cannot tell her this. Sometimes the emotions and love for her that I feel have me walking on sun rays.  When she walks in the room I smile and light up!! And she sees that, feels that so why do I need to tell her all the time of how I feel?  I show her allele the damn time!

 

I had called my boy up who is a chef to cook for us.  Tonight was the night I would propose to her.  Even though we have had the discussion of me proposing to her.  I know when she sees this ring she will say yes.  I know she knows I love her and I do love her.  This is the woman I want to have children with because I know that she would be a wonderful wife.  But a super mom! Her parents are intelligent and loving.  They did a wonderful job in raising her. See I was always told not only by my father and my father’s brothers who were pimps, players and hustlers that you never tell a woman what and how you feel about her even if you do love her.  You show her because actions speak louder than words.  And do in parts that I have had some of my best friends show all these emotions when it came to women.  Some trying to just get laid and some so deep into the woman that once revealed they are super devastated by hurt when they are dumped or their feelings are not acknowledged.  I am not saying that a woman has never hurt my feelings.  That would be a lie! However they don't know that they have hurt me because I am the master of disguise in not showing my feelings and wearing them on my sleeve or shoulder as some men do. 

 

I have been in love twice in my life and this is the woman that has made it twice.  I have been in deep like and infatuation.  Caught up over many women it is ridiculous.  But this woman has me so open that she can say or do anything to me and I would just rollover and be okay with it.  I honestly feel that she knows this!  Why would a real man tell a woman things like that?  What so that she can use what he feels for her against him at some point?  Being vulnerable about who you are and your feelings for another person places you in precarious situations.  You the person always gets hurt, if I have seen it once I have seen it too many times!  Now I can tell my mother, father and siblings I love them.  And I do not do that very often.  Yeah yeah fam can hurt you and they have done and said some things that have stung.  But that is family and is a whole other level to the game.  And there is no comparison in my mind. 

 

I cleaned up my house from the ceiling to the floor like never before.  Clean sheets on my bed because I knew when I asked her to marry me we would make love.  And she is a beast in bed! We throw our sexual energy of love making around in the room as if it were dice we were shaking up.  Not all the time, but most times.  After I cleaned up I then went to the florist and picked up two dozen of red roses!  One dozen I didn't have placed in a vase.  The other dozen I just wanted the pedals.  I was going to scatter them on the floor of my bedroom and on top of my bed.  I already had two bottles of our favorite wine in the fridge chilling. 

 

My buddy the chef was going to just drop the food off to me after he had cooked everything.  So I did one last thing and that was to relax and take a long hot bath! And while my water was running and filling my tub.  I had picked out what I was going to wear.  My white linen suit and her favorite cologne. 

 

After I chilled in the tub for an hour, I shaved, and got dressed. I looked at my phone and she had text me telling me she was leaving and on the way over.  I was getting so excited.  I went through the house and lit every candle there was.  I turned on my surround sound system and played some ambient lounge music.  Just I was was wondering where my boy the chef was.  He rang my bell dropping the food off he prepared. He gave me instructions on how to heat it up and set it up.  I then slipped him a hundred dollar bill which he didn't want to take.  He said it was his gift to us.  He knew that I was going to propose.  I still wanted to give him something, even though I knew he really didn't need the money.

 

I went to my kitchen and pulled out some dishes to set the table up in my formal dining room.  I made sure everything was perfect!  I had even used cloth napkins!  I laugh out loud to this.  After I had surveyed the table, the house and then my last thing to do was scatter the pedals on the floor of my bedroom and my bed.  I was satisfied.  Just as I was walking out of the bedroom my doorbell rang.  It was the love of my life! I was getting butterflies all in my stomach and my palms were beginning to get moist just that quick! I opened the door.  She was breathtaking!!! She followed my instructions by wearing something sexy and white.  I could smell her perfume that had gotten me dizzy with desire for her.

 

“Hey beautiful!” I stated.  She smiled.

“Hey there handsome.”  And we gave each other a light kiss on the lips.

“Are you hungry?”

“Starved.  Since you told me you were making dinner I made sure I ate nothing to ruin my appetite.”

“Good.  Have a seat in the dining room.  Would you like a glass of wine?”

“Sure.”  I then went in the kitchen not before I had pulled out her chair to the table.  I went in the kitchen and brought out two chilled wine glasses.  I sat them down and poured us some wine.

“Let me make a toast...she held up her glass ..to us!”  and we both took a sip. I took my glass with me and began to set the food up on serving plates.  It was still warm but I lightly warmed the food up in my microwave.  I brought in the appetizers first which was stuffed crab and shrimp. 

“Oh wow!  This looks great!  Smells great too!”

“I had my buddy hook our dinner up. You know he is a world renowned chef.  Nothing but the best for you.”  She smiled. We ate, making small talk here and there. 

“Oh I cannot wait for the main course!” 

“Coming right up!” I had brought in the dishes and served her.  She smiled as I did this having no idea of what was in store.  I filled our glassed again with wine.  And we ate mostly in silence the food was so tasty and wonderful.

“Would you like desert?”

“Oh I wish, I am so full.  But later would be nice.”

“Your wish is my command.  Why don't we take our wine into the living room.” She got up from her chair and followed me into the living room.  Here it was, my moment, the moment.  The ring had been in my pocket all night!  When she was seated, I sat next to her.  I had the ring box now in my hand.

“You know how I feel about you.  And then I opened the ring box up presenting a 4kt ring.  Will you marry me?” The look of surprise on her face said it all.  She covered her mouth and then tears instantly came from her eyes.  Just as I had expected.

“Never thought you would ask me to marry you!  Oh my God!”

“Well.....”  She then looked away.  And just then my heart sank.

“Well?”

“Do you love me?”

“I must love you if I am proposing.”

“But you have never told me or even expressed your feelings.”

“But I show you in so many ways.”

“This ...this is so hard for me to do.  Walt I actually came over here to break up with you.  Not because you are a bad man and treat me bad.  But because I felt you didn't love me and would never ask me to marry you.  All the many missed opportunities that were had for you to tell me how you felt about me and how much you cared or love me have come and gone.  I thought it was me.  I thought it was something about me that you didn't love.  And that I was pushing you to do something and say something you didn't feel.  She took a deep breath.  It is like you avoid saying things to me because...well because you don't feel the same way I feel about you.  And I no longer wanted to be in a loveless relationship with you.”  I was dumbfounded and shocked, taken so far back that I didn't know where to begin.

“How could you not know I care and love you?  I mean I show you..”

“How?  Sending me flowers and buying me gifts?  The way we have sex with each other?”

“Yes!  All of that!”

“No doll, you know how many men do this for women that they date or like?  Too many!  And they are not in love with that woman.  They like her, maybe infatuated by her.  But I have had men do the same things for me that you have and been there for me.  And even they have told me their feelings.  But with you it was like pulling teeth.  And this is why I stopped asking and stopped telling you.  When I stopped saying I love you it was like you didn't even care.  You didn't even mention it. So I figured you didn't even care.”

“Baby I am not that type of guy to say I love you all the time.”

“But you have never said it at all.”

“Me asking you to marry me says it doesn't it?”

“Can you say you love me?  Can you tell me how you feel for me?” And I couldn't I just couldn't.

“Listen, this ring...this ring says it all...my feelings for you.”  And she got up and walked away to the front door.  Grabbing her purse along the way.

“When you can tell me how you feel and why you want to marry me call me.”  And she opened the door and walked out closing it softly behind her.  Damn!! I just can't do all this emotional sensitive shyt! Devastated cannot even explain how I was feeling...feelings hurt.  And I knew that I couldn't tell anyone this but myself.

 

 

 

 

I don't know how many times I have asked myself this, “How can you have the best and worse week of your life at the same damn time?” The great things that happened to me were goals accomplished and reached.  First I finally got the car of my dreams.  It took me a year to save the money up!  Though it is a used convertible BMW it is paid for in full with no car note! Of course I had other monies saved up, but it took a year to get the rest of what I needed saved up.  I also graduated with high honors getting my Masters Degree!  It took me awhile to get it because I of course had to work.  I put a lot of life on hold for the last year so that I could study and get my degree.  Graduation was next week.  However I didn't know if I would have the strength to walk across the stage.  Just when I bought my car my trust fund had kicked in! And I had totally forgotten about it.  My parents had set up a trust fund for me when I was a baby and had been putting money in it until I graduated from high school.  A long time! So the money I had saved up for my car I had gotten back.  The townhouse condo I had been wanting for years I had spoken to a realtor and had purchased!  Sooooo you ask, what is the devastating things that happened to me during this week.  Well.......(deep breath....tears cascading down cheeks)

 

I'm sorry I broke down crying.  My dad went into the hospital the day I bought my townhouse condo.  And a day and a half later he died!!!! This was extremely unexpected!  I mean my father had no health issues that I knew of.  And my mother said the last time he had gone to the doctor for his physical everything was in tip top shape.  He had been eating right, started working out a little.  Had quit smoking over four years ago.  And overall was fit and looking great for a man his age.  I mean my father could have passed for a man in his mid forties.  In fact when we went out some thought he was my boyfriend! But my father had a massive stroke, he had a small one but the second one took him out just like that! (crying)

 

I have for the past two days been over my parents home.  Helping my mother get ready for the wake.  She was so devastated that she immediately wanted all of his clothing out of the house.  She was sick and making herself even sicker.  She was dry heaving and throwing up.  She hadn't eaten anything since he had went into the hospital.  And we literally had to force her to eat before she was taken to the hospital.  I had gotten boxes from the garage and had packed his clothes up.  Throwing nothing away until my mother was sure she wanted it in the trash or given away.  She wanted all the pictures of him off of the wall because when she saw him, him and her together.  Him in photos with my brother and I she would just lose it!

 

My father had mentioned to us more than once he did not want a funeral and did not want anyone looking over him in a casket.  It was stated in his will and with his insurance that upon his death he was to be cremated.  If my mother wanted to keep the ashes or if my brother or I wanted to keep the ashes we could.  If not, then we were suppose to go to the golf course and dump his ashes in a sand trap.  My father loved golf and played every Wednesday and Saturday!

 

My dad did not want a funeral because he did not want anyone crying and being sad.  You see my father hated crying and loathed being emotional.  Now my father did tell us he loved us, but when we cried over silly and stupid things he would get angry and livid and tell us to stop crying or he would give us something to cry about.  He would help us come up with a solution for the problem.  And tell us, “This world is cruel and people are not moved by tears.  You gotta be strong to make it.  Every problem has a solution.  And every tear you shed is not the solution.  It stops you from getting to the solution.”  Though I have never seen my father cry ever in my life.  My mother said that his eyes watered when my brother and I graduated from high school and college.  Well I graduated twice from college, first time with my AA and the second with my BA. And  she said when we were born he misted up.  But my father was never ever big on being super sweet and emotional.  It was who he was.

 

My father was from the ole school, his father never said he loved him.  He was a very proud man.  But when my father who was his only child had children.  Well my papa became a softie!  And this totally shocked my father in a huge way! 

 

My father said that he wanted his favorite music to play during his wake.  I laugh through my tears as I say this because I can just see the expressions of those as Maze featuring Frankie Beverly plays.  The O jay's, The Spinners and Jill Scott!  Oh my!  My dad said that if we were going to break down while we spoke about him, he didn't want us to say anything!  Can you imagine someone telling you not to cry when they die? And though I try hard not to cry, and I hear his voice , “Stop all that damn crying Marty.”  I laugh, smile through the tears and still cry.  Though my brother and I had a father who was hard on us in many ways.  He never stopped short of telling us how proud he was of our accomplishments and we were always rewarded when we did well in school, received awards or excelled in anything! My father was not a hugger and kisser either with my brother and I.  I can't say that it affected us, maybe it did or didn't I don't know.  But we did get hugs on special occasions.  My mother gave my brother and I so many hugs and kisses and loved on us so much I guess we, or should I say me.  It never bothered me at all.  My father wasn't brought up in a affectionate home.  In fact I hated my grandmother his mom.  She was mean and evil and I hated going over to see her.  In fact it was my mother that loved and showed my dad so much affection and love that he married her.  Let my mom tell it he came along way from the man she had met so many years ago.  My mother said that if he didn't try to change they could no longer see each other.  Well he had to change because she married him.  Was my dad mean?  Noooo!!! Not at all!  And he loved my mother and was very giving and loving to her. And took very good care of her!  Even after his death my mother does not have to worry about anything!  It sounds bad, sad to me.  However my parents home is paid off.  And whatever bills and so called debt that my father may have left she has no worries.  She can travel to any place and buy whatever she wants until she dies.  Which I hate to think of that because even that saddens me. (tears)

 

I wonder how can people be so insensitive and show no emotions.  I mean we would catch my father being sweet on our mom.  I could understand why he was the way he was.  My grandmother never hugged us, kissed us, did anything nice for us.  And with regret and pain in our lil souls we begrudgingly stayed the night at her home.  It was like going to the wicked witch of the east's house.  Ohhhhh how we would act up and cry!  When his mother died no one showed up to her funeral.  Can you believe that?  My grandfather I believe was glad she was dead.  Here we were in this huge church and not one person came to her funeral. I later learned that she cursed out her neighbors, their children and anyone she felt like.  I also found out that my grandfather has outside children.  However we have never met them, and my father never met them.  Word had it my grandparents stopped having sex after my father was born.  Wow!!! And divorce was not an option.  The crazy thing was, my grandmother was a beautiful woman!  I mean drop dead gorgeous!! So when those who did not know her would see this goddess beauty act out it would take them aback!  Rumor also had it that grandmother was also loose as my grandfather was.  And had a sleuth of lovers.  Still till this day no one will say how she died.  Again rumor has it that she was killed by her lover’s wife.  Rumor also has it that she had a pimp and he killed her.  Now what is truth, yes she was murdered. She was shot in the back! The real story?  Well no one knows but God! 

 

No tears, no sad talk, no talk of his mother after she had died.  And it seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted off of our grandfather.  There is also a rumor that he had killed her.  And that right there I had to give it some thought.  I could see it, I really could.  The lady had so many enemies and was hated by so many who could really say. I also know for a fact that she was jealous of my brother and I because granddad was super nice to us and gave us whatever we wanted.  And when he caught her being mean to us he would yell at her.  She would coward down and leave us alone.  And of course we stayed up under him doing our stay. 

 

I was now wrapping up all the picture frames (tears...tears...) My father was not sick nor super old.  I kept asking God why why why?  What did he do?  Why did he take him so soon?  Sixty years old was too young to die.  Not when his father my grandfather lived to be ninety-one years old! I told my brother to get mom out of the house, even though it was hard for me.  I managed to get through and it was the last thing I wanted to do.  But you do what you have to.  As I was going through my dads closet I went through his drawers.  There was a journal, or it looked like a journal.  I opened it up, and it was!  My dad?? My father kept a journal?  Get out of here!  I quickly sat down Indian style on the floor of his walk in closet and opened the journal up.  I picked a random page.

 

I am so proud of my baby girl!  I mean it!  She is a star and daddy's little girl.  My only regret is that I have not hugged and loved her as a father should for a beautiful Princess such as herself.  When she was a baby and a toddler I kissed and hugged her so much that Em would say, You are gonna kiss that baby's skin raw!  I laugh at this because she was so right.  But as Malory got older I pulled back.  I started to feel soft and I felt she was getting too old for all of that.  I can tell that she is going to do something great with her life.  I trust my Malory to do the right thing.  So glad I married Em, because she makes up for my flaws and shortcomings when it comes to the children.  I was brought up in a very abusive home.  When my father was gone my mother beat me for looking just like him.  She beat me for the pain she says I caused her in labor.  But when my dad came home and saw the whelps and bruises, he would beat her.  Though my father was not an affectionate man either.  He was very stern and strict and he loved me the best that he knew how.  So growing up I was never told I love you, held, hugged or kissed by either of my parents.  But I stuck under my dad.  The more I did that, the more he taught me things.  And the more he protected me from my evil mother.   If it were not for my father I would have not pursued education the way I did.

 

More and more and more tears mingled with snot.  I quickly went through all of his drawers and underneath tons of clothing I found a plethora of journals!  I had quickly bagged them up as if I had found gold!  I had now cleaned his closet out with vigor as I cried.  Hoping that I would never find anything negative, bad or worse embarrassing! As I dug and cleaned out I found shoe box and shoe box filled with old photographs.  All of the goodies I found I knew my mom had no idea of.  Not that I wouldn't share, but for now all of these things I found were going to my house.  Tears were running down my face and my heart was racing!! Like I was a thief, committing a bank robbery!  I had to get this stuff into my car before they came home.  My brother was the one taking the boxes and putting them in the garage.  I told him to make sure that dads things were behind some things and covered up well.  Mom said she wanted his car taken out of the garage and she instantly gave my fathers new truck to my brother.  Why?  Well my dad would give it to him anyways.  They went to the dealership   together. He wanted my brother there for his advice and opinion.  And this is just one of the many things my dad would do to spend time with us. “come run with me to the store.”  “I'm hungry..You?  Let's go eat.”  “Ride with me.”  or “Come on, let's go shopping.”

 

I got all the boxes, journals and packets and packets of envelopes.  As I cried, as I smiled through the tears.  As I held myself tightly and thought about my dad, how special he really was.  I could now understand why he wanted what he wanted.  No funeral, no open casket.  Food and his favorite music playing and funny stories, great memories.  I sat there in my dads walk in closet, on the floor, looking in the mirror.  And all of a sudden my dad appeared. 

 

“You found everything huh?  I knew you would...Only because your mother said that if I went before her.  She was going to have you and Will pack everything up and go through it.  I knew in my heart you would be the one to do it.  I guess I willed it pretty well huh?” My eyes watered. I nodded yes.

To be honest, I knew I had health issues, I just couldn't tell your mom that.  You know how she worries and falls out! He laughed thinking back.  Your mother is so  dramatic and emotional.  I chuckled.  I nodded yes again. I had small strokes I knew nothing about.  And there were some crazy things going on in my body.  So I made sure that I got everything in order.  I cleaned up my closet.  I hid my things, but not where they couldn't be found.”

“I didn't say bye or I love you.”  Tears fell in big drops from my face onto my knees. 

“You know I wish that I would have held you more and hugged you more.  But you will soon read all my fears, secrets, hurts, pains and my childhood.  And it will all make sense to you.  You will gain this big huge understanding of your ole dad. Be sure to look out for your mom.  She is going to be depressed for awhile.  So you need to keep her active!!! Book her on cruises, day trips, she has always wanted to go to the Bahamas, we never made it there. You hear me?”

“Yes daddy.” 
“Look at me...I lifted my face up to look in the full length mirror my father was standing in. I am so proud of you and Will!! Oh you two turned out to be some real fine and wonderful children.  The best any parents could ever ask for.  You take care of Will.  I know I am asking a lot of you.  But that is because I know you can handle it.  I may come and see you hear and there.  He smiled.  Daddy loves you.”  He winked his eye and smiled and he left!

 

 I could tell no one of this!! Who in the hell would believe me?  Or did I make this up all in my head stricken with depression and grief?  Maybe I really needed a zanax!  I damn sure knew I needed sleep.  And how could I stop from all this thinking? 

 

Crazy...I mean mad off the chain, can you believe it this so far from normal type stuff.  Through  it all, through it alll my father actually loved all the sensitive shyt......

 

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

9/2014

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