Some decisions in life are much harder and painstakingly tough in its entirety.  Some things in life need a thorough back and forth with all the many people that reside within us.  Because there are more than just one!  Be cognizant, be truthful, be real and loyal.... 

Special Dedication to Maya Angelou! Marguerite  Ann Johnson April 4, 1928 - May 28, 2014 "Your soul is ancient and wise because your light life and words were beyond your years!" Toy High

 If love is possible then let it be infinite! Let it be love to satisfy the pallet of the soul and not just with the lust of the eyes.

I have walked this earth and I have less daze in front of me than behind me. And I am not a foreigner to pain, hurt, joy, lost and lust. I have been in deep like, infatuation, love, love to hate and hate to love and you could be relationship material if we take it to that next step.

I have seen and heard the painful cries of children, women and men. I have seen things get broken and some never fixed. That is the life that I have experienced. I wonder if others see it my way as well.

I have looked in the hearts of men and I have looked on the outside and I have judged them harshly as I have been judged harshly. I have had disdain for so many things, and at times the things I have the most disdain for or some of the many things I do. I ask, “Is it my nature?” And if it is why?

I have broken many hearts and have told many lies and I wonder how many lies have been told to me that I didn't catch. How many have been deceived by me and me by them. How many have I made cry, miss me, deep in love with me, ride or die with me? I wonder...

If strangers mean nothing to us, then why are we strangers in the home of people that we say we love and they love us? I sit alone in a room contemplating suicide because I do not have the answers to so many questions that I have. However I do have all the questions. I close my eyes in the dimly lit room and I ask myself all things questions and berating myself.

I think of all the people that have used and abused me and the very few that I have abused. However some in my past have abused me in ways that are brutal on a child's mind. And yet the world breeds men and women that are rapist, molesters, kidnappers and perverts daily. America is not short of them in this world. Those who could care less how they are effecting the mind and soul of another human being. I have been there for too long and hated every second of the pain and memories that I held tears back for so many years.

I have been to so many places and experienced so many things by the magnificent thing call TV, books, magazines, pictures, artwork and those who lived in a time and era I not ever experienced. I have watched movies, plays and documentaries explaining the good, bad, and the ugly. I have heard music of different types and all has done something for my soul. Some good and some not so good. Some sounded like racket!

I have had many lovers, too many to recall. And sometimes as I am sitting I have remembered some that I have had. And some from my past that have told me we were lovers had to jog my memory. I figure either they were not important. Or they didn't leave an impression upon my memory and mainly my body. Or maybe my memory is fading. Or maybe just making room for some other memories that are simply more valuable. And why has my mind shut off some really bad memories? And why can I not get rid of the ones I no longer want?

Why here? Why now am I ready to give up on life? Is it that I feel personally there is nothing left for life to give me? Am I tired of the struggle? Or could the pain of life be that damn intolerable for me? I have had my mind spun around in so many directions. And that is why I am sitting in this dim lit room with one chair and just me to talk to just me. No one else is needed. I have not written any notes of suicide to anyone. I have a will, but I have left no word of my emotional and mental demise. I figured that it would be me and just me talking to me to see what is best.

I am not hurting, at least I do not think I am. I am tired of the many inconsistencies that life has thrown my way. I mean I am tired of a lot of things that are going in the world that have effected me and some have not effected me. And some things have effected me inadvertently.

I have not had the best parents but I don't have the worst parents. I have people in my life that truly love me and held me down in so many areas of my life. They have been wonderful! And some that have stabbed me in the back and hurt and cut so deeply. How can pain, emotions cut and hurt so bad and leave these awful scars? I just loathe when people lie and say they care and love you and hurt you at the same damn time. If the world is filled with love and can heal? When will it start? Men fighting over women and starting wars and taking lives at the same damn time. How do you love someone and then take their life? Did that person that you loved have any options at all? This was just a plan it seems that was made in the beginning. I don't know, again more questions and no answers at all.

I sit here contemplating suicide because I am unsure of when and how I am coming. But it doesn't make sense either. That I have a lot to live for and that I love myself. And I really do! Crazy huh? But when I leave naturally I can't and will not take anything with me. My memories will disappear, my life, my love, my likes and my dislikes will too. There will more likely than not be very little of me left on this earth. And what will be left will mean nothing to anyone else. Even the things of materialistic value no one will ask about me or my life story. And that is hurting me right now as I think about it. Wow!

I am thinking and sitting here in a dim lit room as if being in this room and the solitude that is in here is calming and relaxing and placing me in solitude calm. Could I be depressed? Mad? Hurt? Not at all, so why am I feeling like this? Is life easy? No I do not doubt that at all and I am quite cognizant of that proven fact. Highs lows mediums. But I still sit here contemplating a life that I have had a life that I know and a life that only I have lived with co-stars, extras, background players, co-players, a huge cast of characters. All my life and no one else' life.

As I have sat in this dim lit room. I have went back, far back and pieced up the pieces of my life at various times with various people. And how some things that hurt really bad at one time no longer have that same sting and bite that it had before. That the love I really felt deeply for some is no longer there, and is not as deep as it once was. Hurt is not the same hurt,lies don't feel the same I guess because you move on. Because time heals, because the past does actually become the past. But when confronted with the lies and the hurt it surfaces up the pain and hurt that once was there. You build walls of armor against others that you meet. How we put imaginary bricks of stone for others to have to break down and deal with. And then at the end of the day you left toting and carrying around all they unwanted baggage that plagues your emotions and your mental form. Damn...

Should I stay? Or should I go is the question. Though many people who have been on the verge of death . Those who have had extreme accidents and are living with severe disabilities are grateful to still be alive! So why do I want to end it all? That is the question of the I not being grateful? Am I taking for granted the wonder and great memories of life. The wonderful and powerful things I have learned and experienced in this life. I am just saying...could I really be selfish. Values...values where am I placing my values right now? Am I giving in and out to death? And have I given up to life? This is a pretty precarious and quite surreal at this moment. Like time is not moving for no one right now. Like no one in the world is not eating, drinking, making love, working, working out or watching TV! They are all waiting to know what it is I am going to do and how I feel. And knowing deep in my heart, no not deep at all. The reality is only a few would really give a damn if I took my life right now. Or at least that is how I see it. And maybe that is why this can be so easy to transition myself on my own will with no pressure at all..Though I can take my own life and be okay with it leaving an open letter to everyone. They will still say something was wrong and , “That's not her at all. Serenity would never take her life!”

My head has never hung low while I have contemplated my demise. I have held my head high,shoulders never slumping, never slouching. My back never hunched over, and not once did I shed any tears or get angry or sad. I just sat here and weighed my options. I saw the good the bad and the ugly of what I wanted to do if I decided to take my life. So much is running through my head! So much in fact I am dissecting more and more like the speed of light! Like Albert Einstein, Charles Drew and Maya Angelou. I am going back to some of of the deepness I have read.

I was just thinking about life and the many things I have given up, did wrong, the negative and positive the much. The many, the lot the stuff that settled in my soul. I can see Donny Hathaway behind the piano center stage spotlight singing “Giving Up” I get it, I understand the method to the madness! And all I want to do is break it down as such, make my madness into a method that makes perfect sense of a person contemplating their life right now. Trust me I am accessing the situation like a true CSI detective would!

The sun is about to rise on the opposite side of the world as the sunsets here and I can tell that the earth is and has been rotating on its axis doing its job as I contemplate my life. Making what one would say “some life decisions” humph, I shake my head at the perplexity of the drama that besets my future. This is not merely a decision one can make so easily. Like do you want cheese or nah on your burger? Nooooo this one right here takes thought.

Some may think that heartbreak could be the cause to my angst and depression if I take my life. And yes there are some bitter memories. But he, he could never have hurt me so much that I wanted to take my life! No not over a man! And though I have made bad decisions in my life in regards to men. Some knowingly. I knew to leave and walk away because I knew they were trouble. So all of the extras that these cast of characters have caused in my life what I refer to as “personal incidentals” I expected something manic and crazy to come from the situation and being surprised should not be one of them. Humph! This one had blindsided me real good, my radar was down! He took me for my money and got me in a bit of trouble placing me in debt. Liar, thief, user, abuser, cheater, manipulator and he could not get me to take my life. Because at the end I was able to release myself from all of the debt and trouble he had placed me in. However a lot of people don't know that. And why would I or should I be concerned what others may think if I want to take my life? Is it important at the end of the day? Because as I sit here in this dim lit room in this chair, thinking and contemplating. Those who are dead don't live long in the memory and mind of others as much as you would think. Life goes on and the world don't stop! Someone is crying right I decide.

My parents would be so hurt and in such a quandary. And I could not place them in my thoughts. Because that thought itself is making my eyes water. I can't right now. This cannot be an emotional decision!!!

I stood up and had begun to pace the floors slowly. Mind and heart filled with so much! As thoughts and people, places and things came and gone. Some thoughts and memories came and stayed and occupied my already full mind processing on overload. My pulse racing more at times at certain thoughts than others. My heart beating in my rib cage deep; its in my ears and the palms of my hand. The hands that are sweaty and itching. And now I am beginning to feel as if I stay somebody is going to give me some money. I scratch my palms towards me as I pace in the dim lit room with one chair. I may just want to live, and if I do chose life I will have money and be alright! My palms are itching...

The space is so quiet, like I am totally disconnected with the world now. No one, no problem, nothing in the world right now is of importance. Just my decision in my life right now. Am I going to go or stay...and again it is and isn't simple at the same damn time!

I thought and I thought constantly placing myself back down memory lane. That was all that I had right now in my presence, my past was my future. Crazy how that works! I was really weighing this thing out! I am now dissecting if there is an after life or purgatory. What goes and lives, and do you come back and those who take their lives will they be civil servants in the next lifetime? This I felt was more of a joke....but no one really knew. I was so curious of many things in regards to the after life... was there really a life?And what about those who have died and came back and all have relished to tell an all too well similar story. Some have heard moans and cries, a living hell! That is where I didn't want to spend eternity! This was beginning to get maddening for me! There were those who all felt a beautiful presence that bade them to move towards the light. And those who felt a cold negative energy...what was that? Some could see themselves floating over their own body and didn't want to die.

At this point and time I was truly getting nowhere at all. And there was now a huge part of my being that was flustered and aggravated! Who knew that if you truly took the time out to weigh all the many options of taking your life that it would lead one here? To this place and point of so many unanswered questions. Because my life was not that bad nor horrific! Or was it not? There are many people that have suffered far more than I could ever fathom! It felt like I was jumping to conclusions, and not the right and wrong ones at the same time pacing back and forth in the dim lit room with one chair!

I had stopped pacing and felt the darkness from the outside. I made sure I had no phone, no clock nothing that would let me know or see the time. And I promised myself that I would stay in this room until I had come to my decision of what I was going to do! I wanted nothing to distract my thinking, my

I have been known at times in my life to make rash decisions based on emotions and I refuse to do that now! Those rash emotional decisions I have made in my life, well some of them were lust, selfishness, love, hate, anger, revenge, happy, giving overwhelmed all at the same damn time emotions that I didn't think and was left holding the bag feeling and looking embarrassed and stupid as hell!! Why me? I asked myself and why did I not follow my first mind? See it is these memories that are to plaguing my head. Too much!

I had to relax and think some more things through... it was pertinent to my future! So I sat back down in the only chair in this room. The only thing in this room like the only human being in this room. However the sad part about this the man, which I am sure was a man that came up with noun, verbs and adverbs etc. Well he grouped us all under the same category. The chair and I were a noun, that is what we were. Something that was materialistic was grouped with a human breathing living being. And I was saddened by this. Why I had no idea? Maybe it was the fact of the comparison I don't know. A noun is a person place or thing....

It did and it didn't feel as if I had been in this room alone for a long time. There was truly a revelation in all of this. I was just ready for the rev to hurry up and meet up with the lation part so that we could all evolve. I was ready to sign this letter, give this letter, show this letter, show this letter and be this letter. But it wasn't that simple...

Hours later I guess, I mean I still have no idea of what time it was. It was like being in a prison cell on lock down or in a casino. No clocks on the wall. When I opened my eyes I had realized that I had been thinking so much I had thought myself to sleep! And when I woke up I had a slight headache, a heavy head and a heavy heart! I guess you can call this a refreshed nap, and though I wanted to know what time it was. I had now made my decision...


Dedication: At the time of this writing Maya Angelou had not passed. However the day that this short story had picked back up and I had finished this glorious short story I was inspired by the death of this wonderfully talented woman that has left a beautiful legacy behind her. A singer, dancer, actor, activist, philanthropist, counselor, mother too many who knew her and didn't know her. The depth of this story is deep, just as deep as the very woman that left her mark on this earth. And though this story has nothing to do with her life. It speaks volumes of those in this situation. Blessings, peace, love, light, hope, faith and strength to you. You are indeed worthy!

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



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