In this world from the time we are born as babies we are curious of so many things that are new and wondrous!  Some of  us as parents experience our toddlers getting into so much and our children asking questions because they are curious and want answers.  We as parents give them those answers.  However as adults we do know that some of our curiosity's can ruin our lives because as adults we are fully aware of the circumstances.  So I say be careful, because as the saying goes, "Curiosity killed the cat"


You know how some people, mainly it seems older people can look at a person and can see their lives? Or can meet someone and know what type of person they are from their head down to their feet? I will tell you that I loathed when my mother did this when I was a child. It seemed as if my mother could smell me from a mile away and knew before I opened my mouth I was about to tell a lie. I would walk into the house in whatever room she was in at the time. Practicing and rehearsing my lie. It was like my mother had this sixth sense and she would look me up and down, “Before you open your mouth do you believe your lie?” And I would stop dead in my tracks and couldn't open my mouth to tell her the lie. Now as I got older it became more and more difficult to tell my mother a lie, so I was just honest with her. If my grandmother or mom did this in jest to train me to tell the truth, well it worked! However it worked even more when they read my friends and my life and spoke everything it seemed to existence! This is what frightened me and had me walking a straight line and watching people very closely. Because what they said always came true, like did they have ESP? Did they have a connection with God who told them the future?

At the age of twelve I felt that I was able to the same exact thing that my grandmother and mother did so well. And where and how I got it I have no idea! But I thanked my lucky stars because it has saved my azz many of times!

And so this brings me to my story...or should I say Brandon Theodore Mc Cauley's story. A man who is a genius and can relate to anyone on anyone's level. And that is what I loved about Brandon. Instead of dragging this story on and not getting straight to the point. I can tell you this, Brandon was a handsome, beautiful great looking man who always smelled good, dressed immaculate no matter what he wore. His home was beautiful and decorated to the nines! And Brandon couldn't keep his secret from me. Brandon all the way from Spokane Washington to Virginia to get away and be himself. When I first met him I pulled what I like to call his “hoe card” see I smelled him out the first time we met. Because when he saw me we immediately clicked. And if and being around me you had to be real and keep it clean one hundred. Because of the innate talent I had of seeing things in people and reading people and picking up on lies and truths. I could smell lies, and trust me they had a bad smell. Some did not smell as bad as the lies that were told that were and had been pulled out of shape. Like I f amna said he had never chested on his wife. My nostrils would start throbbing, and believe it or not the lies smelled like shyt. If a woman, child or whomever told a lie or wanted to pull or stretch the truth. I had to walk away, some people were not even worth letting them know I knew they were telling untruths..for what? It was the end of whatever we could have had.

Brandon was very outgoing and extremely talkative. After running into one another a few more times we had finally exchanged numbers. We met up a couple of times and it was the third time Brandon had taken me out for coffee and desert that I told him I knew his secret. That is when I revealed to him I KNEW he was gay. Brandon thought he had kept it under wraps, but he had not it was as prominent as the sun shining. Brandon's eyes had gotten big and his mouth had slowly started to open slowly. I reached over and place my hand delicately under his chin and slowly closed his mouth back. See Brandon had women all over him, but I knew he trusted me. And I knew he didn't trust the other women he was perpetrating with. Brandon talked to his “men” friends openly in front of me. But his conversation was never inappropriate. But I could tell that is was a bit more than just a “hey dude you coming by to watch the game?” convo. It was deeper.

Brandon had opened up and told me that at the age of thirty years old he had not been with a woman or a man. Really? Wow! But he had kissed a man and a woman that he had touched a woman intimately and that he had touched a man intimately. No sexually oral transaction or penetrating whatsoever! Not that there wasn't but, I had never met any virgins at the age of thirty. That is personally and again not to say that there were not any in the world like the nuns, monks and priest in the world. And some men and women that were truly and dearly virgins and some that were very very celibate and had been this way for years. I guess my question in my head was, Brandon could have any woman or man he wanted! And I seen how women threw themselves at him even when we hung out! The sneaky looks and winks and flirtatious smiles. Nothing went unnoticed when I was with Brandon. I made sure that women knew that when they flirted with him and I was around. They were embarrassed at first but then relieved because I had pulled their coat tail. I thought it was funny, and yes Brandon flirted and romanced these women that threw themselves at him. He told me about all the things and situations he was placed in and of course at the end of the day he remained a virgin. I was thinking to myself, I had moments where I had been celibate but never for too long. But me, me is a different story and this is not about me it is about Brandon.

Brandon came from a religious family, his father was a minister and his mother was devoted to the church. And it was the way that Brandon was raised that kept him from having sex with anyone his commitment to his beliefs were very sincere and I had to respect that. But the longing that he had to be with a man was very hard on him and he didn't want to bring any shame to his parents by even speaking or acting on his attraction to men. I knew that this had to be excruciatingly hard on him it would be hard on me if I was in his shoes. So the best thing to do was move and start a life elsewhere where he could embark on his feelings.

Brandon had told me that he wanted a friend a male friend that was going through the same thing he was and could relate. Most of the men he had met wanted to have sex with him and not befriend him. Brandon just wanted a man in his life that could relate, that understood his issues and the fighting he felt on the inside. Brandon was very protective of himself and his sexuality and wanted to still stay true to his belief in not being with a man or a woman. I couldn't imagine such conflict. But Brandon was fighting and every time we talked he had told me the wildest stories!

Brandon told me how there was this one man that used him for money and Brandon made excellent money! He could take care of three families off just the commission alone he made. One man here he had befriended quickly was always in need and was on the low, he had a girlfriend that he lived with and Brandon and him of course had done nothing together but kiss touch and grind on each other. But it was overwhelming for Brandon when “Thomas” would strip down naked erect tempting and teasing him. He was comfortable with his down low infatuation with men. Brandon had to pull away and tell Thomas this is not what he wanted, and Brandon would then throw himself in the Bible, pray, go to church and find Godly ways to fight these lustful feelings.

Thomas had filled Brandon's head up with he could really help him get over wanting a man. But Thomas was a serious great looking low-life that had nothing and was about nothing. He was in between jobs, he was living off a woman and when he did work he made very little over minimum wage. He was a user and using Brandon up! Clothes, rented cars, money, food, taking him out. Yeah they were friends alright and Thomas would tell Brandon how he was fighting the good fight and staying with a woman. So they had these fake conversations, because when I talked to him and was around him I knew he was and had been with a man! And he smelled like shyt and a sewer in my nostrils and it was that day that I had told Brandon I could never nor ever wanted to be in his presence any longer. I spoke my peace with Brandon and I left it alone. Brandon was far from stupid and later had began to complain about it. I listened really having no sympathy for him, for one they didn't know each other very long at all. And for two Brandon knew what he was doing, and then three Thomas made it known why he liked being around Brandon because of all the things he done for him. So what more could one say? The proof was all out there. And shortly after all the madness Thomas up and left the state just like that and left Brandon hanging.

Brandon swore he was bi-sexual but how can you be bi-sexual if you have never been with a woman or a man? And as far as I seen it Brandon was more attracted to men than women he started talking about women for a minute and he was pushing himself to like women and called himself having a girlfriend. But he saw so many flaws and had so many expectations of women and that really just confirmed what I really knew all along. He had a love for men and none for women. He later told me that he only wanted to hang with beautiful women to throw others off the scent that he was interested in men. I mean he wasn't truly gay because he had done nothing but kiss a man and he also kissed women.

A year had gone by and Brandon and I were closer than ever and while he told me about all these men he had met he was okay with taking me out and having people think we were an item. He would say, “this is my girl Heaven” and that in itself confirmed to people we were together. I went to all the functioning s that were work related. I went to all the get tog ether's that his co-workers gave. And it was fine with me. I had a ball, problem was I was interested in one of the men that he worked with and he was interested in me as well. But the electric attraction we had for one another had to stay just as that because I couldn't reveal Brandon's secret. While some felt that he was sexing me up, no one knew that there was a kiss on the cheek and he walked me to my door and said “goodnight Heaven.”

There were times that Brandon wanted me to go places with him and I couldn't go. This upset him because Brandon had become very attached to me physically and emotionally. And he was wearing me out telling me the same thing over and over and over and I of course being vocal and direct would tell him this but it was like he was ignoring me. It got to the point that I had to have energy to deal with him.  When I would see him call on my cell I would have to ignore the call and let it go to voice mail. And of I didn't call Brandon back within and hour he would call back, this shyt was getting very nerve wrecking! I could not bare his problems and carry the weight. I too had a life and spending a lot of my time with Brandon was reeking havoc on my personal life.


My relationship with Brandon was strained at times because of his internal hell. And yet it happened. Brandon had acknowledged that he was lonely, and that he had been using me to keep him grounded and sane. Which I had already knew that. I had told Brandon that he needed to tell his co-workers we had decided to be friends when they hadn't seen me come around as much anymore. He had agreed, and now this opened the door for me to get at the co-worker that had been checking me out for over a year. But I had to be careful with that because I knew that it wouldn't be a good situation for Brandon and he would more likely than not be against it.

Courtney and I had went out and had our first date. He took me to a real happening jumping spot downtown that had opened up about a six months ago. I kept saying I was going to go and check it out. Courtney and I had drinks and an appetizer until our table had gotten ready; the place was packed. And full of energy and great music playing. But there was something about Courtney that was bothering me but I just figured that I was over reacting because I was feeling guilty that I was on this date with Courtney so when I got home I immediately called Brandon and asked him how would he feel if I dated Courtney. He gave me his blessing and told me to have fun. Whew! I felt better! I mean I hated disceate, I am not saying that I have never ever told a lie in my life. But just to do things to people that were in my life that I loved and cared for was not in my book.

Things were moving fast and things were changing. Now the bi-curiosity of Brandon was getting next to him and he was close to losing his commitment that he had made to God. He was frequenting gay clubs and bath houses and he even had a profile on a dating site saying that he had never been with a man but was attracted to them. Still perpetrating that he was into women was what I didn't like at all. Lies like that come and bite you in the but and always do. What is done behind closed doors comes to light.

Brandon had called me and asked me did would I come over to a dinner party he was hosting. Said that he wanted me to meet a “new friend” he had met. Said they had gotten really close over the past couple of months. He wanted my approval, what could I say? Brandon was an excellent cook and if he ever decided to give up his job and go into the catering or restaurant business I would invest in it in a heartbeat!

I arrived early to help Brandon set up things. Brandon had a beautiful home! Outside on his patio he had five round tables that could seat eight people. The tables were covered with white tablecloths with a large tube glass vase that had lemons in the bottom of it and long stem yellow roses inside of them. Around the vases were four small candle holders that had small scented yellow lemon candles inside of them. He had yellow and silver confetti on the tables. The chairs had white coverings with large yellow bows on the back. There were candle torches and citronella candles planted in the grass in the backyard. The bar was set up in the back too. The lemon candles and citronella candles burning made it smell so good outside. And in his pool he had floating candles. It looked like an absolute dream in the backyard along with more long yellow stemmed roses in vases placed in the backyard. Brandon also had his surround sound set up in the backyard and inside of his house. I was just hoping that no one made a mess or spilled anything on his all white furniture.

In the backyard the buffet table was set up. It was all so elegant and the food smelled great! Crab cakes, crab, etouffee, gumbo, baked shrimp, fried catfish, jambalaya it was French cuisine. There were many salads and a variety of potato salads to choose from. If you were allergic to shellfish and didn't like it then you were out of luck! And the deserts were even more heavenly!

I had to get dressed and once I came out the party was getting started. Most of the people that were there I knew and there were some that I didn't. When I saw men there I was trying to figure out which one had Brandon's nose all open. And which of these men that I didn't know were down low. Courtney had come to the gathering and I was happy that he did. Brandon and him were very cool with each other and it seemed as if there was no issues with Courtney and I dating. I was trying my best not to bed Courtney. And let me tell you it was hard. I had a ninety day rule, well sometimes. And the ninety days was way over and done with. I mean it really worked out you see, because Courtney went out of town often on business trip, conventions and wherever else he needed to be that the job sent him to. And because my job had me all over the place we really hadn't gotten in a lot of time with each other. And besides I had a side piece of a man that I had been side stepping with for the past year or so. Whenever I had time to see him and our schedules would allow it. It was a no strings attach relationship.

I was longing for Courtney I cannot tell a lie. And when I seen him talking to Brandon I got chills that ran all over my body and I smiled to myself. He was just as handsome and good looking as Brandon. And though Brandon's beauty and good looks had worn on me because he was like one of my girlfriends. I mean we went out we both scoped them men. So why would I see him as fine? And when women didn't pick up that he was gay I was always astonished. But I guess on the outside no one could really see that when they met Brandon because he was all manly! Nothing like snapping fingers, rolling eyes and having quirky finger snapping retorts. And I will say that is what I enjoyed about some of the gay men I had met. Love to hear a feminine gay man giving a real throw down reading of anyone. And Brandon was attracted to the same type of men I was attracted to. Manly well-dressed tall fine and well-built men. We drooled over them. And we didn't see that too often. And this is why I feel he gave me the okay with Courtney because he had spoken about Courtney way before I had met him how handsome he was. Courtney was indeed a mans manly man and I was so attracted to him in many ways and just not all physical. But all the other things I loved about him made me that much more physically attracted to him

I was standing by the bar on my second glass of white wine talking to a fairly attractive man. And then Courtney had walked over smiling and interrupted and pulled me on the makeshift dance floor and we slow danced as he held me close that I could feel his hard body. His cologne and both of our hearts were beating fast. I could feel his and mine, at it knowing what was next. As we held each other close and I could feel how much Courtney wanted me and vice-versa. When I looked him in the eyes it was like a knowing look that we had decided it was time.

Brandon's “friend” had finally arrived to the party. And Brandon was all teeth. They shook each others hands and I could see and feel the lust they had for each other. And he was the same height as Brandon and handsome and very dark skinned. A Dominican half Cuban what a mixture! Hey had exchanged words and a few laughs and then Brandon had his friend follow him. They were walking towards me. I smiled and looked Brandon in the eye. He nodded his head slightly and smiled, he signified that yes this was his “friend” “Heaven this is Marion Gilbert” he extended his hand and so did I. When my hand was in his he pulled it up to his lips and kissed the top of my hand so delicately I felt the softness of his lips.; like feathers and I could smell the citrus in his cologne which was overwhelming. “Buenos noches” I got the shivers and Brandon and I both laughed.

Marion had a beautiful accent and a very deep in the midnight hour voice. It was silky and when he spoke he would speak in Spanish and English. He was doing this for Brandon because Brandon was taking a Spanish course and actually was doing very well. Brandon even watched and listened to the Spanish news on TV and radio. He said Rosetta Stone was a really great program and he was learning very quickly.

Of course Brandon had told Marion all about me and vice-versa. So there secret was with me and no one else s. Which for me was not a big deal, I love the fact of being the type of woman that isn't so damn chatty she has to go tell that of what was confided in me. I am not saying I didn't listen to gossip or ask questions. I did, but I didn't go tho the next person and repeat what I was told. You could never say, “Heaven told me” I learned that lesson in my youth as a teenager three times it came and bit me on the azz, “what I said” and three times was all it took. I kept my mouth closed and co-workers, friends and family know me as the one to keep my mouth shut. If I see something or know something that will hurt my people then of course I spoke up. But you see at this moment right here and right now Brandon was still hiding who he was. And I am not saying in 2012 that people are not as open about gay men. However there is a stigma that runs very close to it in our society. And for whatever reason Brandon felt if he came out a little still somehow all of his family would find out. Parents, siblings aunt and uncles on both sides of the family and a sleuth of cousins, nieces and nephews. They all looked up to Brandon. And of course no one was really concerned that he was not married. Brandon was only thirty-one and his career was just getting started. But he was known for being a Don Juan with the ladies and that is the image he wanted to keep giving.

I chatted it up for awhile at the party, made a few more rounds and spoke. I knew it was time to go, and Courtney kept giving me looks from across the room. I found Brandon and told him I was leaving, Courtney had slipped out already. Brandon told me that he would call me tomorrow afternoon. Brandon went in his room to his closet and retrieved my purse and coat. We hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. And I walked out the door.

Even though this story is not about me but about Brandon. I will tell you this, Courtney and I ripped each others clothes off as soon as we closed my front door. I heard pants, belt buckles and buttons hit my hardwood floors. And that night a sort of passion and explosion happened that neither of us could deny. And this was the night that we both fell in love and our noses were wide open for each other. Some people if asked can tell you what day they fell in love. What they had on and where they were when they fell in love. And I can do the same with Courtney, I was curious about so many things when it came to him in bed. And every question was answered that night early morning.

It was about three in the afternoon. Courtney and I had christened every place and crevice of my home. And we had gotten up from a nap and I had taken my shower and had called to have some Chinese take out delivered. There was no way I had any energy to cook anything.  Courtney and I were wearing each other out. Like we were in some form of competition for the Olympics!

I was in the kitchen making Courtney and I some fresh raspberry lemonade and garnishing our glasses with a mint leaves raspberries and dropped some sliced lemons in our tea. Our glasses were filled with ice. I had already wet the glasses and had them sitting in the freezer for about fifteen minutes. My cell phone was sitting on my kitchen counter and was vibrating against the tile. I had my ringer off and phone on vibrate there was no way I was going to let my cell phone intrude on Courtney and I. I looked at my phone and saw Brandon's picture, all smiles. I smiled too. “Hello” “Can you talk I have a story to tell” of course I did! I had a story to tell as well, and when I peeped in my bedroom. Courtney was sound asleep again all snuggled up under my fluffy feather down comforter. I walked back in the kitchen and poured tea in the glasses and placed them back in the freezer. I went into my living room waiting on the food as Brandon had recalled move by move and scene by scene his first sexual experience with Marion. My mouth was open the whole time!

It was official and a wrap! There was no longer a curiosity of men and there was never a curiosity with women as far as I was concerned.  Brandon had crossed over and let his lust for the flesh of men encumber him. He gave in! I also told Brandon about Courtney and I and we both were like silly young girls back in high school. I had not been on love in five years. And for Brandon he was just as I, nose wide open and was in love!

My relationship with Courtney was beautiful. Brandon and Marion were an item as well. There were times that Courtney and I would go over to Brandon's  house and watch the basketball games. Courtney and Marion would bar-b-Que and cook. Marion made some lovely dishes from his culture. And they both had decoys there. Women they of course were not interested in, but of course the women were feeling them. There was not one time that Courtney and I went over and there was not another woman there at the house with them. It was either one or the other or both. The only way these two who loved entertaining could be together was to always have women around them. No one was the wiser and everyone knew they were best friends, buddies. I mean they hung out in bars together, played basketball with their friends. Road trips, clubs...Brandon and Marion did it all together, and it was better when they could do this male bonding when they didn't have to have another woman around.

A year had passed and at thirty-nine years old a week from forty I found myself pregnant with Courtney's baby. Oh how I cried and was so hurt. I had settled that I couldn't have children. I was married once and after five years of marriage to my husband I had never came up pregnant. Well later we did find out that he was sterile. And it hurt him more than it hurt me of course because he didn't feel as if he was a real man. This of coursed reeked havoc on our marriage. And my husband sunk into a deep depression as time went on. The love making we shared ended and he told me he didn't want to be married because he could not get me pregnant. All other options we had he didn't want. We sold the house, I got half and he got half. He wanted me to have all the furniture, I didn't want it. I sold it. I was a hurt woman, my marriage broke up over my husband being sterile. Our life was great together. And to this day I have no idea of where he is at. He cut off all communication from me. I mean he quit his job, changed his phone numbers. Shut down old email addy's, I felt so low and so kicked to a curb out on the filthy streets of an alley in a sewer! But of course I got through it and over it. And I have not been in love since. Deep like and infatuation, but not love. And not only that I had been having protective sex when I did have sex. Courtney and I had been practicing safe sex, and then there were times when he and I didn't. Then it started to get more and more frequent. We were now having sex with no protection and it had been four months and I had not gotten pregnant. So at this point I am feeling as if my eggs were gone. I mean I still ovulated but I felt the baby thing was over for me! Not so said my eggs and Courtney's sperm!

After a week of deliberation I told Courtney that I loved him and that I couldn't keep the baby. I didn't want to be a single mom at forty! And I wasn't expecting marriage either from Courtney. But here it was that Courtney had told me that whatever decision I had made he would stick by me. Well that was a lie, because when I made my decision Courtney broke down and cried! Telling me that he just knew I would keep it. And he wanted a baby! Courtney was younger than me. Thirty-eight years old and no children and that is why he wanted this one. So he whisked me off to Vegas and asked me to marry him. i did and he slipped a 7kt ring on my finger!  And nine months later we had a daughter together and Courtney named her Lyric Courtney. I loved the name and Brandon of course was her godfather. Everyone was so happy for us!

It was a little after Lyric was four months old that Brandon had come over to my house and was looking depressed and ran through! He hadn't shaved, his clothes were wrinkled and he smelled! I was shocked and quickly grabbed Brandon by the wrist and took him to my bathroom and ran a bath. He stood there motionless and tears had started to fall from his eyes. I had to take his clothes off and I ordered him in the tub. Brandon did as I told him. I got some fresh towels from the closet and when Brandon looked at me a howl came out of his mouth and he cried like a big baby. My heart crumbled and I cried with him and didn't know why.

Brandon had told me that he and Marion broke up a week ago. That then explained to me why I hadn't heard from Brandon. Hey a week went by fast and being a full-time mother and working from home had me busy as ever. I had the help of a nanny in the day time. And a house cleaner that came in three times a week. But I still cooked and cleaned and spent time with Lyric. Bathing and feeding her in the morning and getting her dressed. I also was a newly wed that had a strong sexual attraction and hunger for her husband. And Courtney and I did not let our passion cool off. It was hard for the first six weeks after I had Lyric. But after it has been on, and we were both grateful we had a daughter that immediately slept all night!

So a week passed me by and my best friend was in pain from the break up with his lover, first love and boyfriend. And it seemed as if Brandon hadn't bathed or eaten that whole week! As Brandon told me that Marion gave him no real excuse he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. And he packed his bags and left. I washed and bathed Brandon as he told me this story. I wiped the snot and saliva that fell from his nose and lips. He was in pain.

I had washed Brandon's clothes and we left my house and went to a barber for a shave and haircut. He needed it, Brandon was a hairy man and his facial hair grew very fast. Brandon told me he shaved daily or every other day because his facial hair grew so fast. So imagine a full face of hair not trimmed and growing wild in a weeks time. Same as with his hair. He hadn't combed it as well.

When we were done there I took him to this restaurant downtown, small cafe that sold soup and had a salad buffet. I was hungry and I was going to make sure that Brandon put something on his stomach. It was hard at first but then he began to eat slowly. We sat in silence most of the time. I knew Brandon was hurting, hurting badly.

About two weeks after Marion walked out on Brandon. Brandon said he needed to get away and that he was taking a two week vacation. I felt that would be good.

It takes time to heal a broken heart. And Brandon had his good and bad days but he pushed through it. He had never heard from Marion and he never reached out to Marion. But that is what a break up is all about. I mean why torture yourself with reaching out and feeling more hurt and pain from the person who hurt you?

Six months had went by and we were all celebrating Lyrics first birthday! Brandon had given it at his house and spared no expense with his god-child. He had great finger foods for the toddlers that were there no older than three. And for the adults he had made a Mexican feast with all the trimmings. The backyard was decorated so adorable and cute in pastel colors. Yellow, pink, mint green, powder blue. Balloons everywhere and plenty of toys for the children to play with that at the end of the party could take home. Courtney and I were the happiest parents ever that day and so in love with each other.


Time passes as it always does. And now that Lyric was two years old now Courtney and I made some changes in our lives. We slowly but surely got back into work full-time. Courtney was traveling a bit more now but not too much. And I was going into the office for no more than six hours a day. Brandon was out in the dating world again and was now open, he was being promiscuous. Now that the door had been open Brandon was enjoying it. Of course there was the decoy women in and around his life and still no marriage of course. No one was really tripping because Brandon hadn't even made thirty-five yet. However he had been promoted on his job and that opened up so many more doors for Brandon. Brandon was now able to catch men that were just like him and noticed it in the manliest of men. He knew who he could approach and who he couldn't approach. The bad part about this game was most of the men were married! A very dangerous game to play and have an affair with a married man. I spoke on it and told Brandon how cruel and malicious it was. And what if that woman was me? Brandon would feel bad, and tell me “ I could never hurt you” And those words rung in my head all the time.

Brandon had planned a family reunion for his family to come to Virginia Beach. Brandon had so many hook-ups it was ridiculous! Hotels, airplane flights and the whole nine. So those that could afford it all stayed in luxury and flew here next to nothing. His parents and some of his siblings stayed at his house because Brandon had just purchased a mini mansion about five months ago and he had more than enough room for his two brothers and sister. His sister brought her fiance who had been in the family for four years. They dated for three and and had been engaged for one and were getting married in two months. His oldest brother was married. And his younger brother was divorced. I had met Brandon's family many of times when they came to visit or Brandon and I went to see them. The were like my family as well. And Brandon was my family, not once did Courtney ever have a problem with Brandon he knew we were tight and of course they still worked together. It wasn't abnormal for Brandon to come over with one of his “fake “ girlfriends or come by himself. He tried to keep the girlfriends around for as long as possible. He told them though he really wanted them badly, he wanted to make sure she was the marrying kind. He spoiled these women with gifts, trips, jewelry and it was great for them. A man that was showering her with gifts and all they were doing was making out. And when it became too much for Brandon that is, he would stop. Brandon told me he liked women and he did get erect when he kissed a woman but he craved a man. I guess.

Brandon had a week filled with activities and things for his family to do and see. It was really nice and of course Courtney and I attended as many gatherings as we could. It was in the last day of the reunion that I had begun to get some funny vibes about Brandon. I couldn't really pin point it. But to me he was acting a bit indifferent when he came around me. I mean we still laughed, talked and hugged one another when we saw each other. But there was now a difference in our hugs. If this makes sense. And it was from that moment on that things would change even more between us.

Brandon was still coming by and seeing Lyric and I. And he would spend more time with Lyric than with me, which was no big deal. But our time over the next few months had begun to dwindle. Brandon seemed as if he stayed in the wind. He was off with some guy, traveling, working and on the go. I knew his new position took a lot from him as far as he was putting in more hours and he had of course more responsibility. But I was missing my friend and I know things change and sometimes people grow apart but I didn't like this. I never once placed Brandon on the back burner when I got involved with Courtney or had the baby, I mean yes we didn't talk all the time because I had a family. But I made sure that he was involved with my family.

It was September 13th that my life would change and I would actually now have my eyes opened in a different light. Courtney and Brandon's job had sent the VP's and department management to a training in D.C. They were gone for four days. And I was missing my husband. So I felt a funny distant vibe coming from him when I picked him up from the airport that morning. He told me not to get offended that the meetings and training were overwhelming and that it was a lot of information and studying they all had to do to be certified. I understood and when we got home I made my husband a hot mint and eucalyptus bubble bath. Courtney's parents had Lyric over to their house they were crazy about here and she was the same over them. Everyone loved Lyric she was a happy and sweet child and very obedient.

I went into the kitchen and poured my husband a cold glass of his favorite wine and took it to him while he was in the tub. As much as my body was talking and wanting to be touched I kicked back. But it didn't stop me from letting my hair down wild and flowing and a nice cute number on to serve him. I cooked dinner, we had wine,we talked and he went to bed. And this was my second sign.

I was at home cleaning the bathroom and Courtney's cell phone went off with a text message. I called Courtney in and told him his phone was ringing. He was getting dressed on our bedroom. He walked back in and checked his phone. He walked back in the bedroom and continued to get dress and told me he would be right back. Courtney never did that. He always told me where he was going and sometimes why he had to go. And this was happening a bit too much. Plus the fact that I was barley seeing Brandon. But he would come and pick up Lyric to spend time with her. Why were the men I love pulling away from me. Brandon had been acting this way for the past six months, and now Courtney had been doing this same thing. My heart sank because I knew Courtney was having an affair. And this feeling in my heart felt like I was going to die. I immediately started to cry.

It was my birthday and Courtney had outdone himself. He had a Hawaiian floral bouquet sent to my office. It was gorgeous! On the card Courtney asked me out to dinner. An hour later came a dress, shoes, and some beautiful 3kt diamond stud earrings from Tiffany's . Next came the handbag to match the shoes and costume jewelery to match the dress and shoes! My husband was making me gush all over the place. I was instructed to leave work two hours early so that I could go get a massage and the whole works! Nails, pedicure and my hair done. I was floored!

Courtney took me to a very sophisticated lounge that had a wonderful band playing there. We were like teenagers how we kissed an held each other. We had made love as soon as I got home, after we both got out of the shower. And now we were listening to one of the hottest jazz bands. When we had our drinks and heard a few sessions he took me out to beautiful Italian restaurant. Next my husband had took me to a suite at the Embassy Hotel where we made love all night!

I had gotten up around three in the morning and had noticed Courtney's phone going off. It was on silent, but the lights on the phone were flashing. Who in the hell was calling or texting Courtney at three in the morning. I went and used the bathroom and his phone was still going off. I wanted to look so bad but I climbed back into bed and felt empty my whole birthday was now a wash.

We got up and Courtney had ordered up room service. I decided to take a bath. As I was sitting in the tub I went over and over how would I talk to Courtney about what I knew was going on without really knowing. My heart I could feel beating in my chest. Courtney and I were still newlyweds! I mean three and a half years of marriage and we were still going strong, or so I thought.

As the table with our food was brought in and Courtney had pulled back my chair for me to sit down. Tears had begun to form in my eyes.  Courtney sat down and had took the silver lids off of our food. When he looked up and saw my tears his face and smile fell. “Honey what's wrong?” He frowned. “Are you having an affair? And don't lie.” There was silence and that silence confirmed my suspicions. I immediately got up and put my clothes on and grabbed my purse and left the room. I got a cab back home, my cell phone had made one call and that was to my parents who had Lyric for the weekend. I asked them could they bring Lyric home in a couple of days I had a few things I needed to handle. No problem. I cut my phone off. I went inside of the house changed my clothes all the while crying like a big baby from my soul. I felt the agony of what Brandon felt taking a bath in my bathroom. I got in my car and drove and drove and drove. I found myself in some small town I never knew existed. I had to get gas, and I was dead tired from all the driving and crying. There was a Motel 6 next door to the gas station, I got a room and laid across the bed and fell instantly asleep.

When I woke up it was still dark in my room and I was fully clothed. I had not once climbed under the covers. Instead I pulled the end of the bedspread over my body. I looked at the clock on the night stand and it said 1:30. My stomach was on empty, but I couldn't eat. Instead I went back to the gas station and I got some coffee. I hoped back on the road and drove some more, and it took me a full day to get back home. Instead I went over to Brandon's house and not home.

When I knocked on Brandon's door and he answered he snatched the door open and asked me “Where the hell have you been? Courtney and I were Fukn worried about you!” And when he saw my eyes and face.  He froze, he knew...pain...hurt..betrayal...

I walked in and there was an uncomfortable silence between us. Brandon had made me some tea. And I went and sat on his patio looking over his luscious garden and pool. His backyard was a tropical paradise and huge. So there was a man made pond that had Japanese coy fish in it. A gazebo and he also had a fireplace that was also set up to a picnic area where his bar-b-que pit, bar fridge and stove were. Brandon poured a lot of money into his backyard. He even had a nice cage built out back with some exotic birds he loved very much and took very good care of. When the birds got trained very well that is when Brandon would let them out. But they would always come back. I loved to look at those beautiful birds.

I had laid out in a lounge chair the cushions were as thick as my mattress. I sank down in the cushion and pulled my knees close to me. I leaned into them and then wrapped my arms around my legs. I couldn't lay back and relax. All I could keep picturing over and over in my head his facial expressions that confirmed I was right. He sat still and quiet as I got dressed and left, not making one move or saying anything. It was over, and I had no idea of what I was going to do. Our daughter wasn't even four and here we were on a train wreck.

Brandon came outside and placed the tray on the table. He had begun to pour some hot tea in our cups. He had every garnish to put in the tea and sweetener. Brandon handed me my tea, he already knew what I liked in my tea. And then he made his and sat down. We were silent.

I got up and went and sat next to Brandon. He wouldn't look in my eyes. It was like he knew something. “Brandon? What do you know? I feel it, and you are avoiding me and have been avoiding me more and more lately.” Brandon sat up, he placed his tea on the table next to him. And he stood up and walked to the edge of the pool. He looked back at me then focused back on the pool. This is where Brandon said he knew that Courtney was cheating. And he just couldn't tell me that and neither did he know how to tell me. So he felt it was better to keep himself away. It all started to make sense. But it still didn't explain why had he been avoiding me a long time ago. Way before Courtney started cheating he had changed. So I asked him why had he been treating me at arms length for more over a year now. There was silence and a very eerie long deafening silence. I swallowed hard and I felt as if I swallowed food and the oxygen I took in felt like I had eaten a big meal and I was full. Whatever it was was going to be deep and hurtful. And Courtney and Brandon knew they couldn't lie to me. They knew I had that unique gift of being able to smell a lie out. Body language and the eyes that lead to his soul, their souls. That is why Brandon couldn't and would not look back at me.

Brandon walked into the house and made a phone call. He came back out to the patio and told me don't leave, he would be right back. I did as I was told. It seemed like it took forever for Brandon to get back. And when he came back he had Courtney with him. I was so mad at Brandon! Why would he got get this low-life bastard and bring him here! Sadness had left me and anger was coursing through my veins so thick and hot! Now was not the time to talk to him. And if Brandon felt that he was going to make us work it out, well I was far from it! Courtney had stayed twelve feet away from me. Brandon was standing in the middle of the sliding glass door. He didn't know what to expect, I seen it all over his face.

Courtney told me, “Brandon and I have been having an affair for over a year now.” And I saw black..

When I woke up I was laying in Brandon's guest room with a towel over my forehead. There was a glass of water on the nightstand and apparent some type of pills. When I looked at the clock it was 9:23 pm I had been sleep, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I pulled back the comforter that was over me. And I tried to remember how I had gotten here and took what appeared to be sleeping pills when I picked up the bottle. I thought I heard Courtney say he and Brandon had been lovers. Did I hear that right? I got up and slipped my shoes on and I walked into the living room where Brandon and Courtney were talking I couldn't make out what they were saying. But as soon as Brandon saw me he got up, and Courtney turned around and looked at me. He then got up, it seemed like everything moved in slow motion and I walked up to Courtney and I beat him like he stole my life. Courtney never hit me back. And then as Brandon tried to pull me off of Courtney I would beat on him. Neither one placing a hand on me. This went on in slow motion until I was tired and had broke down crying and vomiting. Brandon instantly went and got towels and a bathrobe. Courtney was taking my clothes off, I was to weak to fight back or say no. I was that tired and weak from fighting. My head was throbbing and spinning and my heart was beating what felt like 90 miles a minute.

Courtney took me into the bathroom and turned the shower on. There was a bench in the shower, in fact four people could fit in here and take a shower. Courtney had quickly removed his clothing and had all four shower heads on. I permeated vomit it was even in my hair, and how that happened I have no idea. There was already body washes and shampoo in the shower so Courtney quickly washed my hair and my body. I cried like a baby. I could no longer scream, I had  lost my voice from all the screaming and yelling I was doing when I was beating them up. I was vulnerable and weak, and when I was all cleaned up, my husband kissed me deeply. And for whatever reason my body succumbed to his. And we made love in that shower the water went cold and we were still at it. It was over and the last time we would make love to each other.

I rented a suite for a week taking off from work. I had depleted myself of all the tears. I was now numb and empty. I saw a lawyer and filled for a divorce. In my heart I hated the ground Brandon and Courtney walked on. They had ruined my life and Lyrics as well. Our families would be hurt as well. These selfish two timing backstabbing men had ruined my life!

Six months had gone by and i had gotten an email from Brandon.  He stated that he needed to talk to me and clear the air.  What air was there to clear?  I mean, he was sleeping with my husband and after the many conversations he and I had about him sleeping with down-low married men.  And how hurtful that would be to the wife if she knew; Brandon had vowed to me he would stop.  And those words forever ringing in my ear, "I would never hurt you"  But he did so what was there now to say to me?  

It took me some time to respond to Brandon, but i did and we agreed to meet up at this cafe that had an outside patio out front.  I decided to sit outside at the patio.  I wanted to see Brandon when he walked up.  The day was beautiful sunny and a nice cool breeze blowing in from the Atlantic Ocean.  When Brandon walked up he didn't wave and signify me.  He came to the table and pulled out a chair.  There of course were no kisses on the cheek and a warm tight hug.  I did not remove my shades because there would be a huge scowl that Brandon would see.  And though I am sure we were very uncomfortable and me still filled with anger.  The waitress came to our table and took our drink orders.  I had a rasberry lemonade and Brandon had a martini.  Too early in the day for a drink, but I knew Brandon was nervous and needed some liquid courage.  So when our drinks got back he downed his.  He quickly started to tell me how it all happened. Apparently Courtney knew Brandon's secret because he had been having bi-curious thoughts of being with a man.  Brandon told me that he and Courtney had went out on a date and Courtney had all these crazy feelings and had stopped everything before anything could get started because he was uncomfortable.  When I had told Courtney how Brandon had come over to the house looking disheveled and out of sorts.  That is when Courtney went over to Brandon's house to console him.  And more than consoling happened, and had continued to happen thereafter. Brandon broke down crying and had said how sorry he was.  I was not moved by his tears.  Within the six months it seemed any and all emotions i had were gone.  I could only gather up love for my daughter Lyric.  After Brandon had recounted this story i grabbed my purse and got my wallet and got a twenty dollar bill and threw it on the table.  I then took what was left of my drink and threw it in Brandon's face.  "Drinks on me and so is the tip" And I walked away.


Three years had gone by, three long years it had seemed. Courtney's family as well as mine were now fully aware of where Courtney was and why we were no longer together. Courtney was still with Brandon living at his house. No one in both our families brought the situation up. I was grateful for that. I am still in therapy today, I had decided to go to counseling and even after all was over and I was more laxed and laid back I continued to go because it really helped me out a lot.

I have not see Brandon since the day he and I had met at the outdoor cafe and had that one and only drink. We could never be friends and I wouldn't be able to ever look him in the eyes. And even though Lyric was close to turning nine I was still letting go more and more the hate I had in my heart for Brandon and Courtney. I of course did not wish them the best or said, “if there happy so am I” why would I? Maybe one day but still not now.

We used our parents homes to pick up and drop off Lyric when it came to visits. We rarely spoke on the phone. We spoke by email and at times in person when we did speak it was in regards to Lyrics outside activities and her school work and going to teacher parent conferences. We both were very active in her life. Even if we spoke our words were mostly “how are you?” and what Lyric needed and didn't need. In the divorce Courtney gave me the house and agreed to pay alimony and child support he didn't want this to be a big hassle.  I guess I was to be grateful from that. But I no longer wanted the house it was too big for just Lyric and I. So I sold the house and bought me a condo on the beach. Three large bedrooms and a family room and office. It was a two story house. And absolutely beautiful. After Courtney had moved out of the house I had begun in a rage to cut up and tear up most of the things that we had purchased together on our trips and furniture. I was so upset for a long time.

I thought that selfish was not enough of a word to describe Brandon and Courtney. Of course I had some choice words that were not lady like for a long time. But then it had begin to cease. I was so broken up over this whole thing that I could not date a man for a year and a half. I had to heal before I brought any other man into my mess. My heart and my emotions I thought would never heal. And I knew in my hearts of hearts that Courtney missed me by some of the emails he sent me and the things that Lyric would come and say to me. She kept believing that we would get back together. She had hope, soon she would grow out of it. For now I knew that Courtney slept in a totally different bedroom when Lyric was there and of course she had her own room at Brandon's house. It had been like that since she was a toddler. I got over the jealousy that Brandon and Courtney were with my daughter together. I had to get over the deception and hatred. Slowly and surely I did.

After a year and a half I had found a man or should I say he found me. I was infatuated and I liked him a lot. But for now love was not on my menu. We were lovers and he was a good man. But I kept him at a distance not letting him come too close to me. Lyric liked him and that mattered a lot to me. He was older then me by a couple of years. And yes I asked him had he ever been with a man or had thoughts of doing so. He didn't lie, he told the truth and I was okay with being with him. They say time heals, and it does but hurt like this takes some time especially when the hurt and deception are so deep.

If Courtney would have stayed home that night and did not go and comfort Brandon that night maybe we would all be friends. But I still felt in my heart that eventually Courtney would have still given into the lust of being with a man. So what would have been more hurtful? Him being with Brandon or another man? At the end of the day my heart would have still been broken but maybe not as much. That is a knife in the heart I wish on no man or woman.

So there you have it, my curiosity over loving and being with Courtney. I mean I tried to keep that attraction at bay and not get involved it took so long for me to give myself and share a passionate night with Courtney. But my curiosity got the best of me. I will say this, it gave me a child that I thought I would never have. And so I am glad and grateful for that. For Brandon Curiosity led him to breaking his vow with God and being tortured daily over it. Many of nights he would call and tell me how bad he felt. And his curiosity led him to a broken heart. While my ex husband had gave into his curiosity had led to my best friend and my ex hooking up and now a couple. Trust now Brandon's family knows. And some have turned their back on him. Curiosity messed up a lot of things for us all....And how a woman let her innate instincts go once her curiosity caught her off guard. My lust, my want and not need led me to cut all communications off with the ones I loved. My craft and art I had lost...humph curiosity....

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions


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