From my lips to your eyes, to your heart, to your being....


My mind is made up!!! I have been deceived by mad proportions.  My life is like a spiraling sled to hell.  I seem to always attract the weak and not the strong. I seem to get behooved by the emotional bull that plagues what I would like to call friendship.  I get sucked up, ate up, and then....and then I am left out to dry by lonesome.  My nerves and my third eye do not work well when I am in these predicaments. And as if I have no intuition of no sorts. 

Abuse is my main factor, my enemy that I have ALLOWED to walk over me time and time again.  TI am nice to the wrong people, and cruel to the wrong people.  I had high hopes for my future, and I feel I have messed that up as well.  I am stuck in my own hell, and if hell is worse than this.....dammit I do NOT want to go.

MY mother raised me better than this, but instead of listening to her, I listen to my head and do what it tells me to do. 

My mother was raped pregnant with my older brother when she was just two months.  And my brother is a little paranoid because my mother was paranoid throughout her whole pregnancy.  She told me,"Nina, stay away...stay away from people who run to dark places.  Who do dark things.  From areas that are not well lit. And from those who have mysterious lives."  Yet it was these thing, those areas, those people that I ran to.  I wanted to see what the dark side is all about.  I wanted to see what the interest was. 

So I find myself alone tattered and torn between living my life and being curious.  And living my life not knowing, and yet at the same time knowing the damn outcome.

I have ran away from home so many times I can not recount.  Couldn't deal with my mother dying,.  So i acted out.  Put my father through so much torture that when I got into trouble, or was hurt, jailed, beaten, raped, and almost killed laying in a hospital.  I chose not to call.  Yeah, you heard me right!  Raped three times by people I knew.  Beaten and robbed for my pay check by a person I knew that set me up.  I was left to die.  But, I managed to scream for help.  And please believe that it took all the strength in my body to yell like that.

Three broken bones.  One in my wrist, ankle, and three fractured ribs.  Of course a lot of bruises and swelling.  I was in the hospital for three days.  And when I got out , I did not have anywhere to go.  So I slept in the backyard on my fathers porch. He never knew. 

I am now sitting in the cold, waiting for a ride. To at least get me back to my dad.  I have not spoken with him in over six months.  Can you imagine not having any family to speak with? And this was not because of something they did. It is because of a choice that you made.  And this was something I had, and have been living with. 

Can you also imagine if you will. Laying on your back looking up at the ceiling . And wondering where your next move in life is. And the life you have is now being justified by your actions?  How will one ever know what each turn and life's destiny will be?  I have the answer to it.  I really do.  Control the environment.  My decisions, the paths I have taken.  This is what I was going to do.  NOW.  Why have I waited so long?

My mind was clouded by drugs, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of energy, and lack of self-esteem.  This is what my life was and has been based on.  I have now seen some light.  And it is because I am tired of being what I think other people want me to be.  Knowing that I was and am loved and cared for.  That I am beautiful.  And there was no need to let a man, woman,child or whoever come into my life and mold me into theirs. The sacrifice has been made with my mind and body.  I have tortured myself endlessly.  And now I feel grown, grown enough in fact to let my body rest.


"Daddy!!!! I banged on the door hard.  Daddy!!!! Please let me in!  It's Nina!  Please dad....please"  My father ran down the stairs. I could hear him.  He rushed and unlocked the doors.  And I fell into his arms.  He held me tight.  I was so exhausted from this mental and physical highly emotional journey.  That I collapsed.  The journey was now past.  And I had to change the journey for my future.


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions



My name is Dr. Lee Minor.  And I have been a psychologist and therapist for many years.  Too many to count if you ask me.  And I am grateful that my career has taken me too many highs and lows.  I have had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people in this profession.  As well as some people I wish I would have never crossed paths with.  Being a therapist opens up so many doors. And I happen to work with those who have addiction problems. 

One truism in this profession of mine.  I at times have to relax and relate as well.  Funny, because I make sure that I work out,swimming happens to be very therapeutic for me.  Because when I dive into that water, it washes me of all others sins.  It washes away the problems of others that I do not want to carry home into my life.  Massage therapy is another way that I get rid of stress and anxiety.  And moments alone I meditate. 

Now because I am here to help, the names of my patients have been changed so that I do not identify, or break my confidentiality with them.  For you know that being a doctor, we are sworn into a high code of ethics not to repeat or share  s our patients history.  So as I share this with you.  I do hope that it helps you in your path to recovery.

Meet Shauna.  Shauna makes an income of $60,000 plus a year.  And that is depending on how much she decides to work. Shauna is an adult porn star.  And when she first came to me, her reason was because she was not tired of what she did for a living.  But because she was tired of carrying the load financially of her family.  But as you know, that was not the real problem. 

Shauna claimed she loved sex, which I knew was as an addiction.  My goal and focus was to dig deep and find out why she wanted sex as much as she did.  And why she placed herself in this industry.  In my profession, I can not judge others for their issues.  I have to have an open-mind to assist them to recovery as much as I possibly can.

As Shauna revealed to me that she was going to work stressed out because her family seemed to demand more and more of her.  And she was working more than she really wanted to.  And this was causing her to have break downs where she would cry and hyperventilate.  What I call panic attacks.

The first few visits I let her vent, express, and release.  Because this is what she needed to do first.  So I listened and of course took notes. It was not until her fifth visit that I had begun to delve deep into her mind.  Asking her questions in a spaced paced that she wouldn't feel enclosed and overwhelmed.

Shauna was a virgin until she was twenty one.  And this was absolutely an amazing fact to me. For I would have never guessed this ever to be.  But my assumptions of what she had gone through were true.  Shauna was constantly forced to perform fellatio on her father and his two brothers.  And even sometimes his friends that he had over for poker night.   She would be the "highlight" of the evening.  Her father would and did not have any family or friends penetrate her.  That he felt was going overboard.  And that no one including himself would disrespect his daughter as such.  So Shauna had mastered the art of giving great fellatio from the age of six until she was at the age of seventeen.  It was then that she had decided to leave the home and move in wit her favorite aunt.  Claiming that she wanted to attend the performing arts school near her aunt. 

Shauna does have the sweetest singing voice you could ever hear!  With an octave range I have never heard.  Singing  bass, alto to alto soprano!  She w always won the talent contest, and was always the lead in all the school plays.  She was giving a scholarship to continue her education. She horned and perfected her singing skills and took up piano.  Learning to write and read music.

Her mother did all that she could do to give Shauna as much money as he could to help her.  Unfortunately Shauna's dad was upset that she had left home to move in with his sister-in-law.  He never had a fear that she would tell anyone what he had forced her to do.  For one, as she got older, he made sure that his friends pay her, that was only to keep her mouth closed.  He as well paid her handsomely.  She was the best dressed, drove a new car. And he paid car insurance and monthly car payment. But once she had left, he had cut her off.  Which forced Shauna to work odd and end jobs to keep up the insurance, car payment and gas.

Of course Shauna's mom had no idea of what was going on with her daughter.  Most mothers don't.  And the changes of  her personality that Shauna went through her mother summed it up as "growing pains" But this of course was because of the sexual abuse that she went through with her father, family, and his friends.

Shauna was working a job, going to school full time.  And the ends were not meeting.  So her roommate had told her that she knew of something she could do to make some extra money.  More than what she was making at that present time.  Shauna was soon to be twenty-one.  And this is when she had met Chad.  Chad was what she wanted and needed.  He cherished her, listened, gave her the attention she so craved. And this is when she felt comfortable in giving her body to him.  And so now Shauna was in love. 

Once Shauna had started having sex with Chad, she had found herself "discovering" herself. That she actually enjoyed sex.  And Chad had opened her to so many things in the sex genre.  And she had fellatio skills that had turned Chad out.  Chad of course did not know her pass life.  And loved the fact that she was so open to so many things in the bed.  So this put Shauna in the mind set that she was a nymphomaniac.  And that she was experienced in sex. 

So when her roommate told her that she could get into the adult arena and do one scene and get paid $300 and up, Shauna quickly agreed to go and check it out. The money was quick and easy.  And of course she kept this from Chad.  She was still sexually active with Chad, and her sexual wants and desires had begun to grow to leaps and bounds.  This of course had Chad so mentally gone with Shauna, nose wide open for her.  He then began to pay her.  Well, this was something that had put her in therapy.  Giving sexual favors and being paid.  She had a small break down, but Chad had begun to be a trick to her.  And the love she had for him had began to dissipate.  She used Chad, and she used the adult entertainment business to get through her issues.  Which was only placing her deeper and deeper into her down hill emotional spiral.  She was draining herself.

The money was coming easy and fast.  And she of course had stopped working her full-time job because the money was small. She had graduated from school.  But was putting her singing career on the back burner.  And doing nothing with her degree.  She had purchased a new car, a condo town home loft.  And now that her father had gotten in a serious accident.  He was no longer able to work.  So this is when she had began to help her family. Her mother had a good job. But the new debt they had acquired was consuming her.  So Shauna of course stepped in.  And her father had began to ask her for more and more money or else he was going to tell her mother what she was "really" doing. He had stumbled across one of her videos. So she was now being blackmailed by her father.  And this made her do more than what she actually wanted to.  She was now working in the industry she had loved, or thought she loved.  And she was wearing herself out doing more than what she wanted to do.  Getting to work at noon, and not leaving some times until nine or ten at night.  She had opened herself to do more "perverted"  things to make more money.  And this angered and bothered her.  What she enjoyed, was now a chore.

We discovered in her therapy  the hurt and pain that she had hidden deep in the crevices of her conscience.  She had to now give up the adult world of porn.  And she had to give Chad up as well.  Shauna had saved up quite a bit of money, so she was going to be okay for awhile.  And she also had gotten up the courage to tell her mother all the things that had happened and what she was doing. We had set up a time for her mom to come to the office and speak to her.  I felt that we should have done it with me there.  She needed my support. 

When Shauna had gone through her pass hurts and pains.  Digging up things she had forgotten, but now had remembered coming to see me.  Her mother was shocked and very saddened.  I knew that she would need my assistance as well.  That is if she decided to take it.

However, I am happy to report that through therapy that Shauna is no longer working in the adult industry.  She still comes and sees me twice a week.  She is now recording her first album.  Singing in various clubs in he city, and is in a very healthy and stable relationship with a successful business man.  I am happy for her. 

You see, her sexual addiction had become a chore,a hurt and pain.  And had her spiraling out of control.  And as for her her father, he is now in a  convalescent home. Shauna's mom gave him a divorce,and now he has to live in a hell he created for Shauna. No friends, no one to care for him.  No one to talk to or visit him.  And I told Shauna and her mother they should not feel guilty for he decisions they made.  Shauna's dad did not want to apologize to her at all.  He told her that he never loved her.  And that he had  daughter for his sexual purposes.  Shauna is stronger than ever, so that  remark her father made.  I made sure that it did not cause another break down for her. 

My next patient I will speak on is Rex.  Rex a professional ball player has an addictive personality.  Therefore he is easily influenced by what other people tell him or ask him to join in on.  Now having an addictive personality puts you in whole lot of hot water. You do not think for yourself as much as you should.  And even though you may not be comfortable with what you may do or go.  You go anyways, you do it anyways.  Because it is a form of acceptance. You get caught up so quickly that you can not see the danger you are putting yourself in.

Now with being a star athlete come fame, fortune and that huge celebrity that makes you so unattainable. And an ego that can and will get out of control.  Rex came from a  home that had two parents that worked very hard, and were consumed in their careers.  And when Rex wanted attention, love,  the things that are suppose to be given to children.  He did not receive this  willingly from them. 

When Rex would get into to trouble, he found that  his parents had ostracized him.  But when he did well in school, got awards.  This is when his parents welcomed him with love and gave him anything he wanted and high accolades.  Because they had both grew up in the same environment themselves.  The only way for them to get attention form their parents was to be over achievers.

Once Rex had gotten a hold to this.  He ran with it!  He excelled in the scholastic arena, sports, as well a he did more around the house.  Cutting the grass, household chores. And he got involved with community events.  His parents were so proud of him.  And they praised him, bragged on him all the time.  So this is where it had started. They had created a monster so to speak.  One person who exceeded and worked hard to get attention from everyone!

And yet, Rex is also very insecure.  He has a Masters Degree, awards, he has gotten Heisman trophies. And is the Micheal Jordan of football.  With many endorsements to boot.   And his family is so so proud of him. However, this celebrity, this mass amount of attention brings on heartaches and problems that Rex was not aware of.  Until we got to the bottom of the problem.

Rex of coursed partied, and experienced so many types of drugs, and gotten his self into troubled waters with those he had associated himself with.  Finding himself and his lawyer paying people off to keep quiet. 

It first started off with coke.  He was hardcore with it.  The people he hung with encouraged him to try it.  And so he did.  Then it went to sniffing heroin.  And that had become addictive.  The women had become addictive.  And the money had become addictive.  More so, he had begun to do things that he did not really want to do just for attention. Things that were not him.  And every time he tried to stop, he couldn't.

Rex had a break down when he was rushed to a hospital from almost dying because he had consumed so much heroin and alcohol.  His body went into overload. So after he was released from the hospital he was told about me and had started therapy with me. He could not figure out why he ran with the wrong crowd.  He could not figure out why he consumed the alcohol and drugs he did.  Rex was not addicted to the drugs, not in a physical way. But he had them only when he partied with this "selective group" of so-called friends.  He did not like the aspect that they did not praise him on his abilities and smarts as his parents had done, or the world for that matter.  It was not enough, it was better to expose himself to the "normal" people who did not have to do what he had to do to get recognition. They were  accepted by their peers.  And he wanted acceptance in that way to.  Where he had to just be him, not the famous football player.  Not the person who had to over achieve to get attention.  All they wanted was someone to hang with and do drugs with.  And of course more often than not, Rex was the one who had supported the high, the money, and the place to come and hang out at.  They could careless of what he had done to get there.  And they didn't expect him to show his skills on the field, or scholastically.  And this is where Rex had fallen.

Rex was crumbling and about to seriously go into a deep decline.  He had started to get sloppy with whom he had done drugs with, the places he would go.  And he now noticed that he wanted to get high or hang even more with the people who had influenced him into this lifestyle.

Rex was fighting himself.  He worked hard to get where he was in his career.  But it was the attention that he wanted.  He did this for his parents love.  And he now realized that he no longer wanted to prove himself to be loved and given attention anymore.  I asked him was he wiling to walk away from the NFL.  And he had conflicting thoughts with that as well.  He always loved sports, but through therapy realizing he had done all of what he had done to get attention and love from his parents was no longer worth it.  However through our talking, he and discovered that he still wanted to play ball.  Plus he had to finish his contract up.  Or he would be sued big time!

So we came up with a sweet plan. Rex had invested in stock options that would keep his money flow.  Because one thing Rex wanted to keep was his comfortable lifestyle. He had set up endorsements that would keep him paid.  And he opened up a small chain of coffeehouses in major cities throughout the states.  He also had invested in a sports agency, which turned out to be the best thing that he could ever do. This kept him out of the limelight, but enough that so those new athletes would want his firm to represent them.  And when his contract expired. No matter how much money he was offered. He had declined.  He was happy, his parents on the other hand enjoyed being the parents of someone who was "famous".  As I told Rex, you are not doing things that make other people happy and accept you.  You are doing things that make you happy. He cut off the hangers on.  Rehab was not needed for him,we worked together to dispel all of that madness in his life. 

Rex worked and found his true self.  He loved himself, accepted himself.  All at the same time had appreciated his accomplishments.  He is married with a baby on the way.  I am proud of him.

Well, I gotta go.  My next client is on the way in. She happens to be addicted to food.  And that is a story I will have to talk about another time.  I hope that maybe me sharing some of my patients issues with you have helped you.  Helped you to see through some of the things you may be going through. And I hope you are not afraid to work through your problems. 



"Just Toy"

Written Expressions


I dedicate this to one of my main readers who encourages me in everything that  write.  "Joey" not because he has issues (lol)  but because he finds my "mind" so interesting.  And I thank you for that Joey.  I really do.......and I hope that in the mind of a doctor, you will consume, live, relish, and feel the people in this story.  Much love......



Maybe this is the story of my life.  But I feel that I was always the last for every damn thing!  I mean everything!  I was the last person to get the latest fashion, and by the time I got to wear them.  The fad had ended.  So now it was left to me to rock what I had and bring something different to the table.  Which it brought me to the popular kids in school. But in the wrong way, and right now I do not even want to touch on that.

I was left behind in school as well.  Because I was born on a certain day of the year.  I had to wait another year before I could start school.  So I was always older than my classmates.  And the same age as the kids in the grade above me.

When my friends would go places, or their were games that we all played.  I was the last to be picked.  The last to hear the latest gossip. The last to find out things my family had told my older siblings.  And when I found out it was a done deal.  I had no say so.

Now with this love thing, and the dating thing.  I was always the last choice as well.  While my girls always seemed to get the best of the best.  It seemed I got the bottom of the barrel.  You know,the sticky shit on the bottom.  The one who had nothing really to offer.  And I felt stuck. 

This had gave me the lowest of the lowest self esteem.  I tried so many times to re-invent myself and stand out.  But it only made me look like a buffoon!  I can not tell you how many times I have gotten counseling for this problem.  I read self-help books, went to seminars, had make-overs, the whole nine.  And it has left me to stay to myself.

I turned into a hermit of sorts. On the computer mostly to be entertained.  I chatted all the time.  People would hit up the many websites I had designed and set up a page on.  I was interesting only to the people in the cyber world.  But the pictures they all seen.  Were not really of me.  They were some made up glam god.  I had a professional model photo shoot.  I looked like every mans dream.  But on the inside, I was just some plain Jane.  Not interesting at all.  The lies I had put down on my page was the person I wanted to be.  And hope to be, and dreamed of being. Even my smile was fake.

I worked out in my house alone, I ate alone, slept alone, and watched movies alone.  I can not tell you how many times I had decorated my home.  How many books I read of those who had lives I wanted. 

I went to work and came home.  Because even at work, though I had been promoted many times and made great money.  It was still all the same.  I was always overlooked.  "Oh, Terri, we forgot to ask Terri what she thought" If I didn't have to wok, I would stay home and be a total recluse. Comforted in my own skin.  I will answer, I will give me what I need.

Well, I gotta go, I have my telephone counseling session in ten minutes.  My Dr. and I had set that up.  And we will talk about me being the last, the one to always be left behind.


Message: At times we ALL feel that we are not valuable.  I am here to tell you that you are valued.  Your love, presence, your loyalty and your friendship.  Don't ever give up.  Because the ones that are left behind, are the ones who do not dare to be out and up front.  My love to you


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions



It is truly funny, and when I say funny. I do mean this in an ironic
way. Truly I do. I have been around family and loved ones for the
most part of my life. And my husband, well, we have been together
for three years before we got married. Now this is just us dating
off and on. The last part of the third year, we had gotten engaged.
And then the latter portion of being engaged, we were engaged to be
married for another two years. Mainly just planning and paying for
our wedding day. And here it is the fifth year of our marriage, and
I am lost!

It behooves me in words that I can not express how you think you know
someone, or you think they know you and really don't. I can not
recall the many conversations my husband and I have had in regards to
our goals, dreams, childhood, disappointments, hurts and pains.
Uphill and downhill battles we have experienced. And my husband does
not even know who I am. And that for me is a slap in the face of mad

This only tells me that we are not that match made in Heaven I
thought we were at one time. Feeling, thinking, knowing that my
husband truly understood my heart and the way I feel was something
that I cherished the most about him. But as I go through life's
transitions and matters of the heart. My family, and my love. He
seems to be in a confused mass of non-understanding. And this is
when it gets totally confusing to me.

If I express a desire, a hurt or a pain. He wants to know "Why do
you feel this way? Why are you so upset? Why do you keep crying? And
then may end with, "I don't understand you?" Which is a big slap in
my face. Because I thought he did. And this has been happening a
whole lot lately. It was his compassion towards me that moved me so
deeply. That when I had issues with life, family, work, or my dreams
and aspirations that he would listen to me fully. Either give me
advice, or just a caring ear. And at times hold me and console me.
Or give me tons of encouragement.

This is a man I no longer know or care to be around. Not that I am a
big baby, which I can be at times. But just to know that he is in my
corner has always been a help and comfort to me. As I have been
there when he has been on tirades, upset, sad, disappointed in a
lot. And this is when we would sit and put our brains together and
come up with a solution in how to handle HIS issue. But no longer do
we, are does he do this for me.

I no longer feel that close bond we had with one another. I just go
through my day like a robot. I work from home, I clean, I cook, I
work on my side ventures. And I go to bed. He holds me still at
night. But I cringe to feel his body next to mine. To feel him
breathing on my neck and back. To make love to my husband does not
feel the way it use to. The spark is gone, the kisses have faded,
the passion is gone. He lost me when he started saying, "I don't
understand you anymore." And I have not changed. I have been "her-
me" for as long as we have been together. Loving, loyal, attentive,
emotional. caring, passionate. Except we no longer share the
passion. He loves me, but not like he use to.

So it has been for the past three weeks that I have pushed and
grind ed. Stayed in my home office working on project after project.
Some times up until three and four in the A.M. Just as to where I do
not have to sleep in bed with him. I usually lay on the sofa in the
family room. I still make his breakfast, kiss him on the lips, make
his lunch, and call him at work during the week to say "I love you"
Leave notes in his lunch. Send emails, and have all types of his
favorite meals cooked when he comes home.

And when he asks me "What is wrong?" I smile and say, "Noting is
wrong sweetheart. Just trying to make a lot of things happen. I
have a lot on my plate." He then kisses me on my forehead and
says, "Don't work yourself too hard hun. You are getting bags under
your eyes." Little does he know that when I have tried to express
how I feel, his answer is always, "I don't understand." So why would
I tell you what the problem is and you no longer understand me? When
back in the day you did?

I now go places by myself, take long walks, work out more, take long
drives to clear my head. And I go to family and friends houses to
get away from the unemotional detachment in my home. But I as always
makes sure he is okay, that he is still spoiled, that I do alllll that
I can do to make HIS life easier and happy. While I am disappointed
in him.

When I asked my husband one day as we were sitting together having
lunch on the patio I had prepared for us. I asked him, "Do you love
me? And do you feel that any thing has changed between us?" His
answer was."You are my blessing, my love and my heart. And there is
nothing that I wouldn't do for you and our home" Did this make me
feel better? No, not really. Because when I went to tell him how I
was feeling. He again did not see or understand how he didn't want
to know. Didn't want to help, didn't want to resolve anything. I was

I had been feeling empty like this for a long time. When I go to
speak on anything. He brushes me off and say "You will get over
it" "Stop caring so much" "Stop worrying" "Stop all that
crying" "Leave them alone" And he walks out as he is saying this to
me. So......

I did.

"Jerry. I must say I no longer feel that ride or die from you. So I
am filing for a divorce. I no longer know you. And you no longer
know me. When my mother was sick, you had no compassion of what I was
going through. All the bills, my projects, creditors, my health, my
issues, our problems. You have ignored. And since you can not talk,
share, or listen. And we are in this fake marriage. I no longer want
to pretend that everything is okay when it is not. I have carried all
of our problems on my shoulders. Your job, the house, your family,
my family. As well as my business. And still you ignore me and ask
me why am I acting this way. I am stressed and on overload. This
was not you. You throw everything for me to handle. While you get
off feeling better because you know I will handle it. Truth is, I
can no longer handle it. We don't talk, we don't share. And you have
told me time and time again that you hate me. And love is no longer
an option. Caring is no longer an option. I am one person. And not
the person for you. I am not our personal assistant,maid, cook, a
lover when you want it. I thought we were friends. And somewhere
along the lines. We have lost that."

Jerry looked at me as if I was crazy. And maybe I was. And maybe
women out there would die to have a man like mine. Because he is a
good man. But I can no longer do it all, I can no longer take care
of it all. And I have had my breaking point.

See in my mind you hate when you don't love. You hate when you don't
care. You hate when you ignore. You hate when you have no passion or
compassion. You hate when you give the load to your loved ones. You
hate when you are not sensitive to others needs. You hate when you
can not be there to listen. And you truly hate when you see the
other person hurt and you do nothing to help. And there are may
other ways to hate the ones you love.

When you love, hate is not around.

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions


"When and why do we go through this all the time? You gotta help me to not understand the stupid things you do."

"What do you mean help you to not understand?"

"Because you always have a reason are some excuse in why you do what
you do and say what you say. So I need no more excuses in why you do
the things you do. Because I don't want to understand anymore Malcolm."

"Look, I said I would have the money back to you. And that I would
pay the bills for you."

"And you said hat last month. And the month before that. And you
said that you would leave the people who bring the chaos in you life
alone. And they are still calling and coming around. You haven't
giving them up yet. And when they come around, they bring all that
drama and chaos into our home."

"You are really bugging Marcia."
"Am I? Tell me what you are smoking?"
"Yeah. Because there has to be something that you are doing that
dilutes, drains, wears your senses in some sort that make you do and
say what you do."

"You can kiss..."

"Naw, I think you need to really think before you speak. Do not
disrespect me."

"You just disrespected me by asking me what I'm smoking?"

"You don't see any harm in the things you do or say?"

"I mean..."

"Look. I have tried and tried to help you. And it is far from old
now. When you got here, you paid all the rent and the bills.
Purchased a few things for the loft. And was on your best behavior.
Now. You never have no you even have a job is what I am
wondering. I work from home, and you are always here. Watching TV,
DVD's, talking on the phone and eating. And always hanging out with
your boys and whoever else. You seem to manage to get money for YOU
Malcolm. Clothes, food, gas, and whatever else. So I am wondering
once again. Are you smoking dope or what? Because your mind is so
warped that you continue to take advantage of my kindness."

"Look, I have bills."

"What bills? I am paying the bills."

"I have my car note, insurance,child support, IRS, student loans."

"Really? And how do you pay them? Huh?"

"I have my ways."

"Exactly. So if you have ways to do those things. Why can you not
handle your business here?"

"It is not that simple. Listen, what do you want me to do? Stop
paying them and pay you?"

"Yes! Stop paying them and pay me. That is exactly what I want you
to do."

"Well I can not do that."

"Well you can not stay here anymore either."

"Yeah right. We have been through this before. You always threaten
me with kicking me out. And I have not gone anywhere. I will still
be here."

"Is that so? Well let me tell you this love. While you were out all
night doing what it s that you do. I have made arrangements."

"You are talking really crazy."

"Do you have your house keys?"

"Yeah, what does that have to do with anything? I am not giving them
to you. You must think I am stupid. That I am just going to stop
living here."

"Okay, let me show you something. Get your keys, and go out to the
front door and close it."

"Girl you are talking silly. Are you smoking dope?" He laughed. I
didn't. Because I purposely waited up all night for Malcolm. Just so
that I could leave the door open so that he would not have to use his

"No, I am not smoking any dope. Are you going to do it or what?" He
got up and was laughing.

"Okay, I will play your silly game." Malcolm walked out the door and
I closed it. And then locked the door.

"Okay Mal, put your key in the lock." He did, and was trying and
trying to get in.

"What the hell is going on here? I can not get in!!! Malcolm started
banging on the door. Let me in Marcia now!"

"Nope I will no do that!"

"I live here, I have clothes here!"

"Not anymore. Everything you own is at your boys house. I
personally took it there and dropped it off before you got home. And
I had a locksmith come and change the locks as well. Since you do
not have mail coming here. You are no an official resident here. So
see ya!" Malcolm was banging on my door,harder and harder.
Screaming and yelling out many obscenities. I ignored them.

"I guess I was smoking dope Mal. I had to be. To let you come and
take advantage of me the way you did. If you can get all your bills
paid and not pay me. I am sure you have sources where you can live.
Now if yo do not stop banging on MY door. You will leave me no choice
in calling the police. Go on now, call your boy. And he will tell
you everything that you own is at his place. Good luck, and good

rid dens

Are you? Are you not taking hold of your situation? Are you being
used, and do not want to see the day of light? Do you have the
courage to step from out of the darkness and take advantage of the
light? Or are you smoking dope?

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions


The Sun Still Shines

I hate being depressed! Like when someone or something
hits a spot with you. You know your pet peeves. And I hate
depression, I hate being depressed, and I don't hate the person
who is depressed. But I hate to be around depressing people.
Too much energy, it feels as if you are wearing a down coat on a
107-degree day in Las Vegas! And if that is not a deep enough
analogy of how I don't like depression. Let me give you another
example. Well they say Satan doesn't like hell either. That's why
he keeps walking the earth seeking who he can devour. And
let's say Satan has on a down coat, and since we don't know
how hot it is in hell, and we know and say people in hell want ice
water. And would probably do some things differently if the had a
second chance. And I know they despise hell and are
miserable. That's what I think of depression. That was a deep
one huh?

Now I hate depression for all sorts of reasons. Let me give
you some examples. Depression will make you eat, not eat, it
will make you take your life, and the lives of others. Depression
will have you losing weight and gaining weight. It will have you
locked up in a dark room all day and night. Let you sit around in
your own stench, and not clean your house. You don't want to go
nowhere, you don't want to talk anyone. And you wish over and
over how you could make things better. Or how you could do
things differently. Depression is a bitch ass mother fucker that
has hit, and will hit whomever, whenever, however it can. And
that's why I despise that punk ass bitch. Sorry, I just had to get
that out of my mouth. Because I have been all of that and then
some. I even tried working out when I was depressed. Going to
walk or run the troubles away.

I'm the cheerleader, part of the pep squad at the pep rally.
Screaming and cheering, hollering to get everyone in the mood
for the big game. Rallying up spirits, getting the home team up
and excited to move us all to a big victory. And Lord forbid if I
have a bad day, or I don't feel like talking, or I need to be left
alone. And if, that is a big if. If I decide to cry, or relay my
problems to my peeps. They don't want to hear what is coming
out of my mouth. They want me to be the strong warrior Princess
Zena. And that shit is nerve wrecking!

Now I do get down and out in the mouth. But if it ain't nothing,
and I do mean nothing I can do about the situation. Then my
next move is to move on. Simple? Yeah for me it is. Not too
many are so lucky or blessed. I'm human like everyone else,
and things get to me. But when I feel like I am about to wallow in
some selfish self-pity, I rise the hell up, dust myself off. And I
thank God that I am here, still here to see another second.
Some haven't been so lucky or blessed.

Now I have seen so much depression in my life, and in
other's lives. I would commonly refer to it as drama. The queen
who sits on her throne, and mocks all those who fall in the web
of deceit hate, love, money, war, jobs and friendship. Everything
has a price. And she makes sure that we pay with our emotions.
I have seen her fully operate. And when she crowns you, she will
crown you with some depression at the end of the drama. You
don't know where to go, where to turn, or what to do. All you
know is you are feeling like shit. So close to the gutter, you don't
know if your ass is coming or going. Yeah, the depression
solider is no joke! He is like the queen's loyal jester, and he
mocks and laughs at you while you going through hurt and pain.

Had a friend, won't mention any names. And because like I
said I am the cheerleader in my peeps lives. I wouldn't let her be
depressed. I was always the one to have her back. This story
might be familiar to a lot of you all. Anyway, I had been to almost
hell and back with her. When her man left her, I was there.
When she didn't have any change in her pocket to get her to the
next day to work. I was there. When she got caught up in the mix
over some simple shit, I was there. Now, she did the major
betrayal a friend or anyone close to you could do. She lied,
cheated, and acted as if she was still the girl whose back I had
time and time again.

When her world came crumbling down all around her. And I
do mean crumbled. Lost her job, was late on her rent, her man
was cheating on her, and left her with all the rent to pay, plus a
car note. And skipped and moved in with the chic who he was
cheating with. And on top of that, he had gotten her for a few
ends in the process. So you know she was about through. Well
I was the friend. I had some money, not much. But I had some
all the same. I knew she needed a little help to pay her rent. I
asked her if she wanted to just go ahead and move out, and
come move with me. She didn't want to do that. So I lent her
$300 to help her make her rent. I went and bought her some
groceries, and I had dropped them off on her doorstep. Nice
huh? Yeah that's what I thought too. Now her car payment, I
couldn't do much on that. But she said she had another check
coming, and it would cover her until she could figure out her next

I had a real caring and sensitive man. So I hooked up with
him. Asked him if he could get one of his friends to tag along
with us. Go do the town up red! You know? Get her out of the
house. Cause depression had her sitting in the house not
wanting to go anywhere, or do anything. Let alone clean herself
up. So I did the friend thing again. I took her with me to go get a
manicure and a pedicure. We even went and got our hair done.
This was courtesy of my man and the money he had given to me.
I splurged it on the both of us. She asked her mother for $75,
and she went out and bought her a very cute dress on sale to
match some new shoes she already had. Cool, so we get all
dolled up for this fun evening. And she was starting to get in the
mood and swing of things. Her mood had lightened, and she
was smiling, looking good, and feeling good. You feel me?

We all go out to have drinks on the promenade in Santa
Monica. Then we head over to Universal City Walk to have Diner
at Gladstones. We took in a show at B.B. Kings, and had more
drinks there. We didn't sit too long there. We then all went to go
see one of my mans and one of his close friends play in concert
with Sade. And after that, we all had gone to a rented suite that
had two separate bedrooms. And we laughed and chilled, and
drank the night away. Talking about all we had done. We had a
blast! You hear me?

Now I know my girl was feeling mighty low. So I excused her
when she didn't want to be alone that night. She opted to stay at
the hotel with us. Instead of my mans friend taking her home.
They got busy in the room. And I know she was doing a lot out of
it out of spite, revenge to get back at her ex, and I knew she was
trying to fill the empty void. But she had crossed the line when
she had decided to sleep with my man. And I am not excusing
his behavior, or excluding him out of the equation. Cause it
takes two to tangle.

Since this was like a mini vacation somewhat getaway. I
wanted to make full use of everything we had at our convenience.
I told my honey that I would meet him downstairs, he was still in
bed. We had had a full night ourselves if you know what I mean.
And the plan was he was going to get up. Take a lukewarm
shower. And we were going to go swimming, and then have a
massage. Yeah right!

What had happen? What had happen was. I had gone
swimming, and when he didn't come down, I just went on ahead
with the plan. I went on with my swim and I went to go get my
massage. I laughed and smiled to myself. Thinking I had wore
him out. But I didn't. When I had arrived back upstairs, it was
quiet. So I'm thinking that my man is still sleep. So I go into our
room and part of the suite to go check up on him. He wasn't
there. So I crept into the bathroom, I peeped inside, he wasn't
there. I didn't see any clothes out, and I didn't see anything to let
me know he had gotten dressed and left the suite. Then I heard
it, the noise that beats all noise in the quiet of the day. Or the
quiet of a room, I heard muffled moans, and I heard my girl
enjoying herself. I really thought nothing of it. She was getting
her second, third, or fifth for even the matter of my guys friend.
And I was feeling the same love jones coming down on me. I
was mellow, and slightly sleepy from the massage I had
received. As a matter of fact, I had fallen asleep on the table. But
then I heard my mans voice. So I crept across to the door. And
my heart was racing 25,000 beast per minute. Cause those
were the same sounds he made when he was boning me. So I
did what anyone would do, I put my ear up to the door to get a
real good listen. Yeap, it was his ass! And I was wondering
what the hell was going on! Like where was his friend? Was he
in on the shenanigans his self? I slowly opened the door, and to
my mother fucking damn surprise, my man was in there
screwing my best friend. I didn't say shit! Not a damn word. I
closed the door softly, cause they couldn't hear me with all the
noise they was making. And I went into the room, I went through
his pockets, got me some money to get a cab back on him. I
had cheese, but that was the last thing he could do for me. I
changed, packed my shit up. And I left. Not saying a word, not
leaving a note. And when I got home. I turned off all
communication. And I stopped payment on the check I had given
my girlfriend for her rent. Let the bitch suffer!

Now hurt and pain is a true cold-hearted mother fucker! Yeas
it is, and I knew that queen drama was waiting for me to act a
nut. Cause she had sent her loyal and faithful servant the court
jester to wreak havoc and bullshit in my life. All right, cool, I am
going to play the opposite of what she wants me to do. Instead
of act a nut like I really wanted to do. Which was slash that mans
tires, steal his credit cards and go charge away, beat my girls
ass and his right along with hers. Because you know I am
superwoman. And when you're hurt, you can do a lot of things.
You got all these magical powers. I wanted to do so many cruel
and hateful things. And cursing both of them out was on the top
of the list. So to say nothing at all, well, that was the best that a
sister could do under these circumstances. Cause I knew in my
heart of hearts, that whatever I had done, well it was right around
the corner waiting for me. Cause queen drama knew the king he
was the one who threw that karma shit your way. And that fairy
dust was the last thing I wanted to coat my wings. I was pissed
and mad as hell, but I was going to keep it pimping, and keep it
pushing another way.

Now I was so hurt and so baffled by all of what had happened.
And I wanted to go hide up under a rock. And to get that picture
out of my head that kept replaying all the way home in the cab,
and kept replaying in my head when I got home. So I said that I
would have my simple pity party at home first. I would then take
my ass shopping and tear some malls up! The thing I did to
recoup from my world of depression. I really wanted to do what
my girl did. Crawl up under a rock and die! I had been had, I had
been hoodwinked, and I had mostly been led astray! But I was
no fool, so I felt they really both deserved each other. I made up
all the reasons why I was glad that this episode had happened.
One, cause maybe my ex man was creeping on me all the time.
Maybe he was creeping with my girl all the time behind my back.
And I thanked her for showing me how much of a scum bucket
he really was. That he was not the one from me. And she told
me she really didn't appreciate a friend like me who had been
there through so many crises. And that is why I stopped
payment on that damn check! Let him help her out, which I knew
in my heart of hearts, he was not going to do. He liked my girl,
but he didn't like her that much to pay her rent!

Now to break it all off simple like. It did take time to get over
my hurt. But depression was something I was not going to
wallow in. And my girl called and left all types of messages
saying she was sorry. She damn right she was sorry! All up and
down in her damn bones she was sorry. She had sent me
flowers, cards, letters, and called my house, my job so many
times. I can't recall how many times she did. And when I heard
her voice over the phone, I just hung up. Now Romeo, well he
was the bigger fool. Bigger than I thought he was. Not only did
my ex send me flowers to my job, house, and called 90 million
times. He had sent all type of make-up gifts to my job. I said
thank you silently. I was not going to give in! No not me! I
healed from the hurt and pain. And I moved on. Cause like I
said I wasn't going to be depressed! I was my own damn

The next episode I had months later was when I had to give up
my place. And let me tell you about this house I had lived in. It
was one of the fixer upper type places. But when you walked in
it, you seen all the potential the place had. Molding in the ceiling,
a fireplace, hardwood floors that were messed up really badly.
In the master bedroom, the previous owner had made some sort
of wooden vaulted ceiling. How he did it, I don't know. And in the
kitchen, there was sky lighting so the kitchen was real bright. He
had started putting tile on the floors in the laundry room, and in
the bathroom to refurbish it. Basically the brother had had a hard
run with life. His wife died, he had gotten caught in a lay off, and
he was behind on the house note. Plus he had taken a second
out on the house to pay for all the refurbishing he had done. He
had to pay for his wife's funeral. And because she had
committed suicide, he could not cash in on her insurance. His
company went belly up, and he had lost a lot of money he had
invested in his company, which was doing quite well. But he had
to file for bankruptcy. I just happened to be in the right place at
the right time. He was selling his house to at least pay back the
loan he had acquired from the bank. And he had to move into a
small apartment. Well, I was looking for a house, cause I had
qualified for this loan. And he told me about his property, so I
went and checked it out. He was selling it real cheap. So I
jumped on it.

Now, I had to go and finish up everything he had started. And I
had done some extra work on the house as well. I had gotten
really excited about the house, so I put in a lot of work. And then
the man who had owned the lot, which I knew nothing about, had
sold it. And since my house was on the lot. My house was sold,
and he paid me off, but I didn't want to give my house up! That
was the last thing I wanted to do. Talk about being depressed!
Shit! I had had it! I was going through it like 90 going south. And
I did everything I could to save my house. Now I had six months
before I was to move. You know give me time before the
developers had torn it all away. I had complained to my
co-workers, my mother and father, and I had complained and
moaned and groaned to my neighbors. Mostly the ones who
were in the same boat. And the neighbors, who hadn't been
effected, well they were looking at things differently. Because no
one knew just as of yet what was going to happen to the
property. And what was going to be built near them. We all
scurried around like hamsters in a cage. And depression had
gotten to me. I went to work happy, left my problems and
checked them at the door. But when I came home, I looked at
my house, and I would cry, I would cry myself to sleep. I had
become an introvert for a while. Not wanting to talk to anyone.
Cause I was mad, and I was hurt and I didn't want to lose my
house. I couldn't stand for it to be ripped down and torn to

This went off and on for three months. I was sick, I'm telling
you. Until I had made some arrangements. I was told that I
could take my house off that property and have it moved. Now I
knew that wouldn't be no small feat. And where in the hell would
I move it? And how much would that cost? Well, lady luck and
the true God of blessings was on my side. Yes he was, cause
the money I had gotten from the developers, I had went and
found me a lot, I found a lot in the part of the city I had always
wanted to live in. And just so happen a space big enough for my
house next to a huge apartment complex was open. I bought the
lot, and had my house dug up and moved to that lot! I sure did,
and I was a happy woman. It was expensive, but I was blessed
with the money to do it. So I wasn't going to let what it had cost
me to move in depress me.

Cause after all I had been through, after all I had seen. And
believe me I had seen some things and been through some
things like everyone else where I wanted to throw the towel in
and say fuck it! But there is always a light at the end of the
tunnel, and you can only go so far down I life. The rainbow is on
the horizon. I peeped all the self-made millionaires, and the
struggling actresses and performers. And how they had ate
popcorn for months, or peanut butter sandwiches to survive.
How some were even homeless, and had everything taken from
them. Yeah, they had a struggle, and look at them now! They got
more fame and loot than they thought they would ever have! And
it seemed as if their depression had made them stronger, made
them get out there and keep it pushing. Like I had to do so many
times in my life.

Now in one month after moving my house into its new spot, I
had some tragic things happen to me back to back. One my
mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer. And she hadn't
told anyone until she had gotten really sick. And the cancer had
eaten a hole in her stomach. She had gone into remission for
about three years. And there was no hope that she would make
it to that point. Unbeknownst to me, I knew nothing about the
health crisis my mother was going through. Not until the end of it
all. When she had to say her final good-byes. And she did, and
that wore me out and had me in a serious deep depression. I
had sick days and vacation days. So I took four of my sick days.
And I took a week and a half off on my vacation. Which I had
three weeks saved up anyway. And if I didn't take it this year, I
would lose it next year. So I took off paid.

The next thing on my plate was my ex, he had gotten into a
serious car wreck. Now I still had love for him. But it was barely
hanging in there on a hope and a prayer. Why I still loved that
man, I can't even tell you. But I was left word with one of my
co-workers he knew. And his best friend who had gotten laid by
my ex girlfriend told her. Got it? Good. Now we can move on
from that. Now I wasn't really answering phones, wasn't doing
too much eating either, and I wanted to be bothered with no one.
Yeah, Lady Depression was kicking my ass. And my ex was so
depressed himself, and so much in pain. That he kept asking
me to come see him. I heard he was banged up pretty badly.
And might be having some serious issues later on in his life.
But I was pissed, I wanted him to suffer. Why did he want to talk
and see me? Why couldn't he call my ex girlfriend he was
screwing her heart out? Where was she? I knew I was a good
woman, one of those hard to find women. But no matter how
good you are to a man, if you are a woman in the streets, and a
hoe behind closed doors. At times that ain't enough for some of
these men. You can have they back, be there for every crisis,
cook, and clean, sing and bring, be all that you can be and much
more. And he will still run over your heart with a 18-wheeler and
say fuck you! And that is real!

Now going to see him was the last thing like I said before I
wanted to do. I was depressed about my mother, and going to a
hospital was the last thing I wanted to do. My father was taking it
all in stride, but he was trying to be the big man. Never let them
see you sweat is what I had heard from my father so many

I went to the hospital, looking like death had warmed over me
as well. I saw my ex lying up in that hospital bed. All banged up
and bruised. I could hardly recognize him. And death was all in
the hospital, I could smell it. I never knew what death smelled
like before. But the hospital put me in quick remembrance of
what it all smelled like. So that made me even more depressed,
cause it smelled just like it did when I had to come see my

I cried when I saw my ex in that bed, not because I felt sorry for
him. But because I was thinking of my mother. And all I could
see was her laying up there in that bed. He thought the tears
were for him. I quickly told him not to flatter himself, that my
mother had just passed. And that he was going to make it and
be all right. He would see another day. I just came because he
hunted me down. But I knew that my ex wanted me to be there
for him like I had been so many times before. And I was not
going to do it. I had to be there for myself, for my father. And
rubbing his wounds, well, I didn't have much time for that. And
out of depression, I called me ex girlfriend. Well, her number
had been disconnected, and I tried her on her cell. And
surprisingly that was still on. I told her what had happened to my
ex. Who I had considered to be her new man. And told her she
needed to get her ass down here and rub his emotions. Cause I
was not going to do it. I told her my mother had died. Out of
respect, only cause my mother liked her so much. But I told her
it would be best for her to see her body at the wake. And not to
disrespect me by coming to the funeral. I didn't answer any
questions. I said what I had said, and I had hung up the phone.
I told my ex, I hope you get better, and I left. Now he was hurt.

The next thing to rock my world was my plumbing had fucked
up, and my house had flooded. I was more than pissed. And I
had to cover it all out of my pocket. Money I had, but not to spend
on anything like that. So when it rains it pours just down hard on
you. I had to stay in a room for eight days until the mess was
cleaned up. And the pipes had been fixed. And my house
insurance didn't cover it.

Around the corner there was more bad news. More bad
news you say? Yeah, more bad news. Because from all the
strain and pressure form it all, my dad had suffered a major
stroke. Up in the same damn hospital my mother had lived her
last waking hours at. My father had lost feeling on his right side,
and he was going to have to do all this therapy to regain his
strength back. This was something I knew I would have to go
through with him. And we hadn't even buried my mother yet!

Now I get to this part, I will fast forward to it. My father, well he
got better. Learned to appreciate life more. Took it easy, and
when he had gotten depressed. He had figured out a way to deal
with it. And not hold it all in like I was raised to do. My ex, well, of
course he was peeved at me for what I had done. Putting him on
blast like that to my ex girl and all. But who cares? He wasn't
thinking about me when he was boning her. And I know they got
they groove on a few more times after that. As if to say fuck it!
We already got caught, so why not?

He had to rehabilitate himself. And he was not the strong
sexy silent type anymore. He had to walk with a cane for a while,
and he walked with a limp. See that 360-degree shit I was
talking about earlier. You know the king had him on serious
lock down, and you want to know what? Nobody was there for
him, not even his own family. Come to find out he had the gotten
into the wreck trying to chase some girl. He should have told her
to meet his ass in the hospital. Or better yet, told her ass to
jump in the back of that Ambulance with his ass. And helped
him. Since she was the reason he had wrecked. You know
what I'm saying? But she was nowhere to be found. Oh well.

Now my father got better and stronger. Which I knew he
would. And when all was said and done, my mother had left my
dad and me pretty well off. She had given us three insurance
policies a piece. I was able to get back every piece of change I
had spent on my broken pipes, cleaning my furniture, and fixing
my house back up. I had to pull myself up out of all that
depressed shit. I gave one insurance policy over to the cancer
foundation liked my mother had wanted. I had begun to write,
paint, read, exercise and eat right. I took well care of myself, I
made sure my loved ones knew I loved them. Because through
it all, through all the drama, the 360 degree, and all the shit life
has dealt me over and over. There was always a light at the end
of the tunnel. A rainbow after the storm crossed the sky.
Because no matter what I go through in this lifetime. I always
mange to see the sunshine.

"Just Toy" Written Expressions


If it takes a lot from me to be me. If it takes a lot out of me to be
What makes someone think that I can be in his or her heads all
the time? And what makes people think that I want to be them?
You live your life, and I live mine. Cause baby, it's real cold
outside. And the wind blows to and fro. Shaking whatever it may
in its way. And that is how this world is. When things tragic
happen to it. All of the people that are living are effected in some
way. When a lost or a tragic thing happens in our lives. We are
suddenly tossed to and fro. Life.

My real name is Teresa. And my brother's name is Terrence.
And everyone calls us Black and Blue. Me being Black and my
brother being named Blue. Now we were called these names
because we were always causing harm to ourselves. It seems
as if we were always being in some sort of mischief. And we
would always seem to get hurt. Now I loved the outdoors. I still
do. I loved climbing trees, hills, jumping fences. Anything I could
do to be active. Which led me to getting involved in all sorts of
sports. And having all types of extra curricular activities.
Climbing mountains, sky-diving, you name it. Same with my
brother. Us being a year apart and all.

We would come home with all sorts of new cuts, bruises,
scratches and we also needed stitches I don't know how many
times. We broke some limbs too. And that is how we were
called Black and Blue.

Now my brother and I seemed to get into a lot of trouble as we
got older. Not the kind of trouble with the law. But with emotions.
We seemed to always think that if we can rough and tough it with
people, and relationships. That no matter what was said or
done. We would bounce back with great resilience. Not so. We
stayed stubborn for a long time. Think we didn't?

Now when it comes to me. Me feeling and thinking that I always
had to compete with a man. I had to be the most competitive
with it all. Card games, video game, sports, always trying to out
do any man I had dated or met. And I had to be smart as well. I
had self-taught myself so many things. Like politics, how to read
the stock market. How to run and operate a business. I had to
know it all. I had to be it all. I needed and wanted men to know I
could hang on all levels. I could be the back packer, not afraid of
getting my hands dirty. Willing to tune up my own car. To the
princess, the beauty queen. I could throw on a formal, and
swing my long mane from side to side. I was her. I was the
well-rounded woman. I was wrong in my approach. I was way

For reasons, now known. I was chasing a lot of men away. I
was too damn smart and competitive for my own good. A man
could only take on a few months of me at a time. I had the
revolving door effect. I even had to be the better lover. Studying
sex like it was a subject I would soon get a degree in. Not
knowing that a man wanted a woman he could grow with. Not a
woman who is and was a woman trying to be a man. It took me
a while to get that one.

But I just chalked it all up to the insecurities of man. You know
how we women can get. Some of us, not all of us. Always tend
to believe that it is always the mans fault. And never ours. Now
with good reason I mean. Not the type of woman that instigates
things, and is all about drama every which way you turn. Those
women are excluded. As far as I am concerned. I was the one
who was not the weaker sex, refused to be labeled as the
weaker sex. So what could a man give me, or teach me, If I knew
it all? Nothing really. And if I had heard someone talking about
something that I didn't know about. I would study it. Like I was in
school. I had to be the scholar.

Now my brother Blue was the same way. He did a little bit of
everything. He was a true outdoors men. He did it all! And he
wanted a woman like me who could hang. Who was very well
informed, he was sexy, but yet would get her hands dirty. A
strong businesswoman, independent, didn't rely on a man for
nothing. And knew when and how to give him his space. He
wanted her to be a soldier in every way. And he wanted a
woman who was deep into the art of being very eccentric in bed.
Now he went though women like water. He was always finding a
flaw. One was not strong enough, one couldn't hang with the
outdoors activities, and the other was a weak woman. Cried too
much, needed too much attention. Didn't know how to give him
space. You get my meaning I hope.

Blue had a real strict detail of what he wanted from a woman.
And he had to have it. Or he wouldn't be happy. And that's just
how it went with us. Blue was also a neat freak, and was looking
for perfection. And like me, he found out the hard way.

It was like it all happened at the same time. My brother and I had
found two people that we really liked at the same time. I'll tell you
about my experience first. And save Blue's for later.

I met a man named Rock. And Rock was all of that and then
some in my book. I met him at 24-Hour Fitness Center. He was
a personal trainer among st other things. Training is what he
had done on the side. Something that he really enjoyed.

Rocky had come up to me and said hello. Introduced himself.
And we talked. We went out to dinner. And instantly we
connected. I had now begun to let my guards down a bit. Rock
loved my competitive spirit. How I was so knowledgeable. And
how I was so open to so many things.

Now when we started to make love. He was blown away at all of
my skills in the bedroom. And my open-mindedness. I was
hooked on Rock. Because we always had these fierce
competitions with each other. And he got a thrill out of it all.

I had begun to do things for Rock without giving it all a second
thought. I took Rock out a lot. I treated to most of the weekend
getaways we went on. I was his financial helpmate. And
eventually I moved Rock in with me. That is not to say that Rock
didn't give to me. He did, he was always trying to buy me
something, or take me somewhere. But me being the woman,
who was trying to be a man as a woman. I wasn't having it. And
soon, Rock stopped trying. Instead he saved all his money. He
didn't contribute to anything in the house. He didn't lift a finger to
do anything. Any repairs in the house, paying bills taking out the
trash, or cutting the lawn. Because I was always running to take
it over. I had to let him know I didn't need him in my life like that.
He had to know he was really there for one reason. And it took
me up until now to figure that out. I just wanted to be held and
made love to. Only because I was one person who was
attracted to men. And I enjoyed sex very much. So Rock settled
in his role of just making love to me. And that was his job.

This went on for two years. Me not really paying too much
attention to it all. Just happy that I was able to keep a man for
longer than six months was my dream. Who would of thought
that I would have a man for this long? Not I.

Then all of a sudden things had started to change. Rock was
now asking me for money. Rock wanted me to pay his car
notes, his credit cards, and buy his clothes. And I had obliged
him to the fullest. Why? Because I was in love with this perfect
man. A man I had crippled. A man who I had to show over and
over again I could hang. And I was far from some whiny little girl
who threw temper tantrums if she didn't get that Barbie doll she

Then one day I looked up, and the love, the chemistry, all of it
was suddenly gone. And the fact that I had caught him cheating!
Can you believe it? And I caught him with a woman who was the
total opposite of me. She was weak, needed attention, wanted a
man to take care of her. And didn't know what it meant to climb a
rock, or even for that matter wasn't strong at all. And she had my
man, and he was doing everything for her that he wanted to do
for me. The things I wouldn't allow.

Now Rock and I broke up. Then we talked. And he explained his
side of it all. Telling me I wouldn't allow him to be the man. And
after two months, I had taken Rock back We had worked it all out.
And In about two months, after he moved back. I was back to my
old ways. And Rock was out getting with other women. Matter of
fact, he never stopped seeing the first one he was taking care of
fully. I tried to break it, break all that hard shell I had built. But I
couldn't. I had to be me, I had to be a man. But after four more
months of this. I broke down. I acted like a woman. I cried, I was
hurt, I got depressed. And I wouldn't eat. Life was no more for
me. And I couldn't understand why.

Never was I the one who cried, never was I the one who
responded to men in a weak way. But I did, and I had. And I
begged Rock to come back. I said I would change. But he had
taken all my money, my heart, and my emotions with him. And it
was over. I was more than devastated. That isn't even the word.

Now Blue, well he had met his match. He was at a car-racing
event. And he was shocked that the person who had won the
race was a woman. And he knew right then and there that she
was the one. She was not only beautiful, she was sexy, smart,
independent, and a strong woman who was very well diverse.
She looked down on wimpy men and women. She had no
patience with women who were from the weaker sex. And
excuses were not apart of her vocabulary.
Valerie was a true go-getter, she worked and played hard. She
couldn't be rattled in her game. And this all intrigued my brother.

Valerie had her own four bedroom two-story house. She had two
cars. She owned her own race car. And she was down with
every sport and adventure. But Valerie was real hardcore. And
she was a dominator. Something Blue didn't notice. She had
Blue's nose wide-open. And whatever she said Blue did.
Whatever she wanted to do. Blue would get it done. She was a
real slick one. And with her being a head turner, and a sexy vixen
in bed. Blue knew she was the one to marry. Yeap, my brother
was talking marriage. And I was happy for him. I encouraged
him not to let her get away. Or he would be stupid. Now she
didn't take any money away from Blue. He was just her personal
slave. To do as she willed. Blue didn't see this at all. Valerie had
full control of Blue. But blue was a willing participant to it all.
Blinded by love, blinded by like, blinded by lust. It was very hard
for me to see Blue so bent out of shape over a woman.
Something I had never seen. And something that I thought I
would never witness in my life. But all things change, don't they?

Valerie made the arrangement for what they were to do. Valerie
told Blue what he should be participating in. She controlled
Blue's finances, his work schedule, and his comings and
goings. Blue was whipped totally. And he couldn't help it.

Blue had started to forget his own priorities. He started to get
behind in his bills. Because now he wanted to impress Valerie.
Wanted her to know he had tons of money. But he didn't bring
home or make the same amount of money that Valerie did. So
he spent it on trips, trying to pay her bills. Which some she let
him pay. But told him to take care of his own business. He was
so worried that some man would take her from him. So he was
insecure. Which was an attribute I never had known my brother
to have. And having an insecure man was the last thing Valerie
wanted or needed in her life. He had very little time for me, and
he had very little time for his curricular activities he enjoyed so
well. That is if Valerie wasn't participating. He was up under her
all the time.

Which made Valerie go crazy. She didn't like a man to run up
behind her. And she didn't want a man that was weak,
something she had been avoiding for the longest time. Men
were there to give her pleasure, bow down, doing as she says.
Not try to give her the world. She had that. She was well
traveled, and could come and go anywhere.

Now the straw that broke that camel's back was when Valerie
wanted to take a trip without Blue. Oh how he was so upset that
he couldn't go. He walked around depressed and worried that
she would leave him. And was scared of the many men that he
knew would try to get at her.

Well Valerie had come home after being gone for about four
days. And Blue was so happy to have her back at home. He
cherished her, was there at her every beck and call. Now the
next time she left, Blue was adamant that he goes. And he
watched all the men that had came up to Valerie and spoke to
her. And it was so many men that had come and spoke to her.
That he was running them all off. He had no idea that a lot of
these men were sponsors, and people who needed to speak
business with Valerie. And that was it! Valerie had had it! She
had kicked Blue to the curb.

Now Blue knew he had messed up. And he tried his damnedest
to get Valerie back. He went as far as to get her new sponsors.
And to hook up with each and every man he had told to go and
kiss where the sun doesn't shine. He had done well by Valerie.
And things were cool for a minute. Actually, he had taken Valerie
up a level. And was so proud that she would be happy. But she
really wasn't impressed by it all.

I really believe Valerie just put up with my brother. She had put
him on punishment. She wouldn't let him come over as much.
She didn't take all his calls. Which were very many. My brother
ran up behind Valerie like a lovesick dog. He was gone! And
after three years. Valerie had packed up and left without my
brother knowing nothing about it. She left no forwarding
numbers or addresses. And told everyone that if Blue asked
about her, they should not give up any info.

Blue went crazy trying to look for Valerie. He went to all the
places she had gone. He went to where she worked out at. He
went by all her friends' homes. He called old jobs, and he got no
response. My brother Blue was in a total loss. He didn't know
how to act. He was totally mad at the world. And he took out his
anger on everyone.

Then one day he got a letter from Valerie. Her telling him that it
was over. And that Blue had turned out to be the opposite of what
she wanted and needed. She left no forwarding address. But
she had moved to Connecticut. Or so he thought. The postmark
on the envelope said so. And Blue flew there. Showing pictures
of her face. Going to every hotel he could think of she would go
to. But to no avail, he found no Valerie. He checked with all the
racing tracks, and all of the sporting event directories of things
he knew she would participate in. Still no Valerie. Blue had lost
his job. And he had maxed out his credit cards trying to locate
Valerie. It seems as if my heart went out to Blue more than it did
towards my own pitiful manner.

When Blue had calmed down. We had sat down and talked. He
cried in my arms, and I cried in his. We told each other how
much he loved Valerie, and how much I loved Rock. And we
decided to make some changes in our lives. We decided to take
control of our lives in a different way.

Now Blue was close to losing his place. So he took whatever
jobs he could to catch up on his rent. He worked overtime to get
his finances straight. He then got the courage to go back to his
old job and ask for it back. And they were happy to have him
back. Wondering what had happened. Because leaving a job,
or not calling, or acting despondent was not Blue. Blue was
extremely responsible. And had moved up in that job quickly.

Blue had decided to accept a woman for what she was. And not
being so judgmental over a woman. And not being so hard. And
learned how to be more caring and understanding. And it took a
while to get there. But he made the right step in the right

Now me, I had to pull back from being so damn competitive. And
I had to let a man be a man. And not want to be Ms. Know It all,
all the time. But what I did was, I went back to school. And I
changed my whole outlook on life. I started off being a teacher's
aide until I had moved up to a pre-school teacher. I cut some of
the adventure out of my life. And worked on being extra
superwoman. And chilled and let doors be open. And let my
competitive nature slow down a little bit. I knew that I would be
better for the next man. I indeed had to work on my finances.
And I did.

Now The Black and Blue of old, well they mended those black
and blue hearts. And they made sure that they healed the old
cuts and scratches. Instead of trying to pick at them. We healed
a lot in our lives. Though we still have a long way to go. And
we're working on that. One day at a time. Because just like I
really didn't like all those scars when I was little. I didn't like the
scars a lover or loved one could leave behind. The black and
blue marks that were left upon the heart.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions


“Good morning” I smiled and greeted her back.

“Good morning” I sat down. Wrapping my coat a little closer to my body. It was brisk and chilly.

“Every time I see you, you are always looking sharp. I admire that.” I smiled showing all my teeth.

“Thank you” I seen this lady every morning I went to work sitting in the same spot. Over dressed no matter what the weather was. And she always had bags, tote bags, grocery bags filled of what I had no idea.

“It's a bit breezy this morning.” I nodded my head yes.

“It is. I could drive my car, but I enjoy taking the bus and the subway to work and home. Gives me time to think, read and sometimes take a cat nap.” She nodded her head yes.

“I recall the days when I worked and caught the subway and bus. I still til this day enjoy just touring the cities. It makes me feel good.”

“It does.” We had never had a conversation all of the two years I had seen her sitting on the bus stop and I was working this 9-5 gig that paid me very well I must admit.

“Do you mind if I ask you something?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“No, go ahead.”

“Why do you carry around so much on your shoulders girl? You too young for that?” I looked at her cross.

“I don't understand the least I don't think that I do.” She turned towards me.

“I have seen you for the past couple of years and I been watching you. Your moods are like this crazy weather we have nowadays. I can look in your eyes, by the way you walk, and also by the way you sit and clutch your purse or bag how you are feeling.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Really?” I was a bit miffed. I mean how could this lady tell me about me and how I was feeling? I mean I do get that you can read people by their body language. I studied people all the time, and my job demanded that I did so.

“Girl you carry, worry and worry. She chuckled. You can't fix everything and make people see the world and what you do and how you do things all the time.” I chuckled myself. It was funny she was having this conversation. Because I was brewing or shall I say had brewed over this every now and then.”

“Funny you should say that.” She shook her head no.

“No not really. I see my old you in you. Back in the day I was a sharp dresser just like you. Back then it was fashionable to wear coats and gloves, hats and all. I am older than you but I was dressing this way when I was a teenager. And of course as I grew older it was instilled in me to care about my appearance.” I was wondering to myself, what happened now? Because she dressed as if she were homeless. But I knew that she wasn't. I never smelled her, and she didn't look unkempt by her hair. She just wore a lot of clothes and always had three to four bags around her. Something had to have happened.

“So if you don't mind me asking, what happened? Why is it that you no longer dress sharp?” Well she was all in my kool-aid. Why not get in her mix to see if she liked my sugar. She chuckled and nodded her head and then looked over at me.

“I got tired. Tired of trying to impress, too keep up and be something and someone I wasn't.”

“Hmmmm... soooo you sit here every morning because that is something apparently you want to do.”


“And all the bags that you have? I see them with you all the time as well.” She looked at the bags next to her and the ones that were sitting by her feet.


“Reminders? Of?” I was confused.

“Of all the baggage I carried in my life.” I raised my eyebrows and gave her a little scowl. I was now confused and wanted and waited for her to answer.

“Yes. For me it makes sense. For others they see me as a lady that has probably lost it in some shape or form. And that is okay. But perception is a mother and what you think you see may not really be what you see.”

“Maybe, for some. But if I can see it then I can perceive it.”

“Maybe. But as I was saying, she cleared her throat. I have had a life good bad and ugly. And within that life I learned that my sanity might not be the same sanity that is perceived as normal. Some people may see a lonely old lady shuffling along the street carrying her belongings but not so.”

“You are speaking in metaphors.” She smiled.

“Yes I am. Listen... I was so busy pleasing others I wasn't pleasing myself. Well not really. See these bags beside me have nothing in them.”

“And you walk around the city carrying empty bags?” I looked at her now like she was truly crazy.

“It reminds me of all the baggage I carried in my life. See while others think, as I said before that I am just and old lady carrying around my belongings. They are right to a certain extent. I am carrying around my stuff, my old stuff. All the pain and issues. And carrying around all this stuff, my old burdens. They are now all light. These bags represent the beautiful and wonderful life that I have had for the past fifteen years.”

“I am so lost.”

“I know you are chile.”

I stressed, cried, hurt and pained over so much. Let me ask you, are you married?”

“I use to be.”

“And why not now?”

“It just didn't work. He was not for me a bit abusive in some ways.” She nodded her head as if she understood and felt my pain.

“Have you ever heard of Jack and Jill?”

“Of course they are a multi-million dollar corporation with their hands in a bit of everything! Real-estate, food, music, clothing I mean what is it that they don't do?”

“I own it!”
“Yeah right!” I scoffed.

“Well rather you believe me or not I do. I live in a fabulous home have maid service a chef and live a great life. When I feel like it. Just because I am rich doesn't mean that I have to travel in a limo, wear top designer clothes and eat in fine restaurants. Not at all. These bags represent more than you will ever know. My life that caused so many issues and missing out on so many things. My husbands are in this bag, tears, hate, love, money, food ohhh so much child. Things that I carried all over the place with me all of the time. Passing my baggage on to others and not realizing it. Thinking I am healed and have moved on and hadn't. Worries and burdens. But now my burden is light, my life is easy. I have a board of directors that I trust. And I don't go and sit in an office no longer stressing myself. I am far from a bum. That is why I say perception is a mother because what you see is not what you may really be seeing.” She then went in her purse and pulled out a sleuth of pictures and passed them to me. As I looked through them they were of her. All dressed up, in her office and her with many millionaires, CEO's, celebrities and stars. It was her!! Right next to me!! She was my mentor!! I thought this lady was amazing! And she had been sitting here on this bench, this bus stop for the past two years!! I handed her the pics back.

“Wow!... I am simply speechless! I never recognized you! You are my mentor and inspiration, I had the greatest admiration to be just like you!” She frowned.

“Had is the key word. I had so many people around me who were fake and phony, who used and abused me. Who hated me but smiled in my face. And again the bags that are inside of these bags represent all of that angst as well. I know one thing, no one and I do mean no one gives me a second look or tries to get my money or even hurt me. I get treated with more respect and helped up curbs and stairs all the time. I get smiles and people who are genuine with me. And when I go home, to my mansion, my estate I am still me. I have no burdens and I have no baggage.....but you do....”


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions




“Excuse me; By any chance do you have any extra change you could spare today?”  I looked at the man who apparently was an alcoholic because he was reeking, permeating the fresh air and beautiful breezy day.  Also of the overbearing toxic smell of piss that had not only stained the front of his pants but had also made a permanent home in his skin.  I shook my head and did not answer yes or no verbally.


Just before I had made it to the car another person had asked did I have a spare cigarette.  When I looked on the box I never noticed that on the pack it said “Spare cigarettes inside of box” I shrugged my shoulders.  I ignored this individual as well.  I had grown tired of the endless people day to day that begged bombed and borrowed their way through life.  Some of these people could very well work or do some sort of hustle to get their drug money, liquor money and for some suspect “food money” I say this in jest because some people will say they are hungry and are in reverse asking for drug or liquor money. 


Trust I do understand that some people have mentally and emotionally snapped in life and just can’t function.  And the only resort they feel they have is beg day to day for what they need.  However it seems that these people are far and few in between, unless most have turned to alcoholism and drugs just to get by.  Who knows, I am not a specialist in this area.






“Hey are you busy?”  I took a deep breath.  I had so much on my plate and didn’t want to deal with anyone at this moment.  However can’t have any regrets I didn’t check the ID on my phone before I answered.

“I have five minutes, what’s up?”

“You must not know what happened then… (silence) maybe I should let you talk to  ...” 

“Would you spill it already?  I have five minutes.”  I rolled my eyes towards the ceiling and leaned back in my chair and pulled myself away from my computer. I started twirling the end of my hair which I had mainly done out of habit no matter what mood I was in.

“It’s Mike…I was thinking myself when does Mike ever have a good rapport.  Knowing that man has been hell for me good hell and bad hell.  Like having spurs up my azz and sitting on a long bumpy bus ride, painful and agitating and many more nouns and verbs. Well he is in some big trouble he just got evicted from his spot and lost his job two days ago.  Katelyn says that he just called her and got pulled over going to court and he had a warrant so he is in jail!”  I exhaled and rolled my eyes hard as if Mike was sitting directly in front of me.  I took my cell phone from my face, grunted and gritted my teeth.  Why?  Why did his family and friends always still call me whenever Mike had a crisis?  We were no longer together, married, friends, lovers, enemies nothing!  Yet they wore me out like a two dollar crack hoar! Dammit!

“Sooooo! Look Chelsea it is the same shyt different day, different time and different person calling.  What do you want me to do?”

“You don’t have to say it like that Lynn.  I mean you have to care just a little I know you do.  Look his furniture is about to be thrown to the curb.  And he can’t get his things out of the apartment apparently because he is in jail.  Lindsey and I were going to go over there and get a U-Haul to get his stuff out.  It’s all packed up from what we know…and as she was talking I was just thinking of all the shyt that Mike had taken me through.  BBD said in their song, “Never trust a big butt and a smile” Well I should have never trusted Mikes smile because he was a big bullsyhter and he had an incredible smile that made me melt.  He ran good game on me and had me to thinking he was my type.  But he was just putting up a huge façade and fronting big time.  Here I am in school soon to graduate and running a business and multi-tasking to get and put me and what I do in some ears, memories eyes he acted as if he was my number one supporter and was into what I did.  NOT!! He also came off as if he was an ambitious man and on the move. NOT!! It didn’t take me long to find out soon after we were married to call this man a cab and kick him to the curb!! I had fell out of love with Mike within five months of us being married.  He had gotten fired from four jobs, abandoned two, was lazy, a procrastinator, no ambition.  And I was the one that was holding everything together.  Paying the rent, bills, food and any and everything else you can think of.  Mike couldn’t open a checking account because his credit was bad, couldn’t get a loan so we could buy a house.  And He had burned a lot of people.  If you were to mention his name to some people that would immediately get irate and start telling you how wronged they were by him.  Mike gave me the impressions and showed me he was a hustler in a good way.  A hard working man who had his act together and did any and everything to make sure I was taken care of needed, loved and nurtured.  He had gotten fired from one job before we had gotten married but had quickly found another one.  That made far less the money he was accustomed to making from the job he had gotten fired from.  But he said, “I need some kind of money coming in so I can handle my business and take care of you and me.”  Sigh…oh how sweet I though that was when he told me.  But ever since that day he has always been coming up short….That should have been his first name, noooo maybe last.  Well at this point I don’t care.  In the very short span of our marriage I have had my phone ringing from people who have been done dirty by him, his lies, and bills he has owed.  We also broke up or separated with me asking him to come back.  Aaaarghhh the pure irony of my weakness!  And when he came back not after a week he was there I wanted him gone!  Everyday I looked at him with disgust and never pity. I was behooved, ran a mock and led astray!  This man could not take care of himself let alone a wife! And all the bad seeds he had laid in the ground had not only effected him but me as well because I was now the person cleaning it alllll up!  So when I had decided that enough was enough.  I had turned all the bills over into my name and took my name off of every credit card and joint account we had.  And after all of that was done and I paid off every bill we had together I sent him away for the weekend to a football game a very good friend had given me tickets too.  I had already had boxes in the garage hidden so I could pack.  I called three of my girlfriends and asked them to help me pack. We packed up all the furniture I paid for and bought and I left what was his which was hardly anything. And I moved into my new home!  The rent was paid for that month and since I knew the owner he told me that if Mike couldn’t pay the rent he would only evict him.  Well in the end Mike had come up with the rent for the next two months, barley because he had a low paying job.  He had to sign a lease and put the apartment in his name so when he finally got evicted I had no worries of it being on my credit. I had caught myself from all the thinking I was doing in regards to Mike.


“Hold on! Hold on!! Look Mike and I have not been together for over nine months now and divorced five; and every time and I do mean every time something has happened to him you or someone calls for me to help with money.  I do not have any spare change, extra change or any change for that matter to pull him out of his crisis.  Do know that I am over taking care of him or assisting him.  I tell you guys no all the time yet you all still persistently and insistently call me and ask for money.  So now what I will go ahead and do is block your calls, don’t answer until you get it!  Mike has not helped me or ever been in my corner and has done me dirty!  So how dare you have the gall to continue to call me ask for any sort of money?”  I hung up the phone, no slammed the phone down.  Hell in these days does anyone have any damn spare change to help somebody out that can help themselves?!!!




“Just Toy”

Written Expressions







“I get on with the rest of the day. And I know it is not good to walk around with tons of negative energy around you.  See I meditate, do yoga, work out and I eat right so that I can release the bad toxins from my body. You know what I’m saying? You look all comfy cozy sitting here…relaxed and released of mess.. mind if I sit here with you?” Shrugs shoulders.

“Arrrrghhhh!  My nerves are shot!  I had to take a seat and catch my breath, whoooo!  How are you today? Lawd, ouch is that a bunion on my toe?  Un-unh, helll naaaw! See, see this is the type of shh… let me exhale a bit because I am already going through it and I am trying relax and chill out before I get on with the rest of the day. And I know it is not good to walk around with tons of negative energy around you.  See I meditate, do yoga, work out and I eat right so that I can release the bad toxins from my body. You know what I’m saying? You look all comfy cozy sitting here…relaxed and released of mess.”


“It is a free country.  Take a load off”

“Thank you. Takes deep breath and starts meditating and talking low in a whisper People will wear you out with all their bullshyt and hot mess.  Ohh excuse me, I do not even know you and I am using foul language.  Is that nice?” Chuckles

“I understand.  I have been there and done that.  It’s okay.” Exhales.

“My name is Tammy, what’s your name honey”

“Tara.” Shaking of hands.

“Nice meeting you Tammy.” Tara looks around her nerves on edge.

“Are you going to be okay?  You looked so stressed.” Tammy asked.

“I am just weary and tired of all the different people around me that are just plain sick and full of it.  I have enough going on in my life to have to deal with other people’s mess and drama.”

“I heard that!” chuckles

“My husband is a hot mess and I don’t know if I need to stay or leave him.  So you think I need to hear about someone and there extras.  My husband has been cheating on me for most of our marriage and has given me an STD three times!” Tammy looked at Tara with her mouth open she was shocked!

“Oh my goodness!”

“Yeah girl and his women have called the house, called to my job and taunted and berated me.  Plus the fact that my husband has been on and off of drugs for the last five years!! He has gone in my bank account more than a few times taking my money for his drug habit and I have had drug dealers coming and knocking on my door for their money.  So you see I cannot take anymore of other people’s crap! There are stupid people out there.”

“Yeah I see your point.  You do have a lot going on with your husband.”

“And not only him, my youngest daughter been kicked out her third school this year.  And the second semester hasn’t even started yet! For fighting, smoking marijuana in the girl’s bathroom and cursing out her math teacher!  I don’t know what I am to do with that girl.  I keep telling her over and over and over again that I will not tolerate such behavior from her but is as if what I tell her falls on deaf ears and what I say doesn’t mean anything.” Tammy now has a raised eyebrow as she looks over at Tara.  Shaking her head now in confusion.


“My oldest son is a mess and then some because he has been in and out of jail just expelled from college and I have spent a lot of money on his education. I put up my home to get him out of jail and he jumps bail so it looks like I will lose my home because they have a lien on it now.  And I have these people at my job complaining and complaining about what is going on in their lives.  I am taking care of my sister’s son who was in foster care until I got custody of him.  And he tried to have sex with my daughter by sneaking in her room late one morning he has done this three times but if I put him out he doesn’t have anywhere to go.” 

“Umm I am not trying to cast judgment but it seems to me that you need to….” Tara cut Tammy off.

“Girl my bills are stacked up, my nerves are a wreck.  And if I can’t get my act together and my family together it may eventually cost me my job because I have missed so many days.”

“Well if you would…” Tammy was cut off again.  And now she was getting a little agitated.

“So if I hear one more damn person complains about their issues I will scream because I hate complainers! People who just sit up and complain and not do anything about the situation that their in.  Keep going through the same BS over and over and will not fix it.  How do you do that?  How do you continue to stay in the same funky position time and time again?  Could you answer that for me?” Tara looks over at Tammy.


I feel if you are sick and have issues if you keep going down and up the same street and having…” Tammy had had enough she stood up and grabbed her bag.

“Honey it looks like to me you are the person you need to check.  Since you have been sitting here all you have been doing is complaining.  Maybe if you divorce your husband and kick him out you would be okay.  And maybe your daughter wouldn’t be acting up in school if you would turn your nephew over to the authorities because he has been raping your child.  I could give a damn if he was in foster care, day care or who ever cares spot, place, jail.  And maybe if you would have told your son you keep your punk azz in jail because I am tired of helping you because he knows mother will keep bailing him out. And just go see him until he gets out maybe you wouldn’t be in the terrible situation that you are in now.  As far as I am concerned you are the sick bastard that has more problems than a man going to prison for triple murder!! You should look in the mirror dear heart.”


“Well is what you should be asking yourself.  As a final question on what you need to do to make all of this BS right.” And Tammy walked away shaking her head and mumbling under her breath.

Tammy was angry at the new friend stranger she had just met.  How could she have the gall to speak to her in such a manor? She had nor right!  Tammy was seething and getting angrier as the minutes rolled by trying to calm herself down.  And just as she was going to get up and leave.  Another stranger had come and sat on the bench.

“You know what Arrrrghhhh!  My nerves are shot!  I had to take a seat and catch my breath, whoooo!  How are you today? Lawd, ouch is that a bunion on my toe?  Un-unh, helll naaaw! See, see this is the type of shh… let me exhale a bit because I a m already going through it and I am trying relax and chill out before….”



“Just Toy”

Written Expressions




Some of you may not be ready for the outer space trip I may take you on.  Living up in the skies, sipping on orbit moons, drinking the galaxy for my afternoon drink…

This is how I get down, snacking on Saturn for an afternoon appetizer.  And when I am really hungry I eat what they serve on Mars on a silver and brass platter trimmed in gold.

I am cyber…

I look to my left hand and there is Jupiter awaiting my arrival and drop some science and hot knowledge. As I wait on a cocktail from the butlers that serve on Mercury, because I can drink and eat with them all day, they are the realist..


My love is the stars that shine in the sky, no you can’t see my stars on any given day, I am deep off in the Heavens, it takes a really clear and black night to see all of me, as I sprinkle and cascade you with the shine that you cannot get too close to cause I will not apologize.  I burn…


 The atmospheric plains I dwell in, hopping from moons to moons.  There are many of them.  I vacation on the sun in the winter and I don’t get burned.  Can you feel me?  Can you see me? Can you understand me?  I am glory and light, I am the planets and the moons… I am life…taste me and sip me…just like astrology…study me…

Cyber love….

The universe is one big playground that many want to come play on, and they can’t they won’t and I’m not! I am far from easy…you can’t get at me just like that.

Celestial, euphorically, lyrically advantagus!  I am, and the planets bow down at my feet…

Come inside…cyber

I am a space cadet living in a virtual insanity to some, but guess what? When I talk, walk, breathe, live it is sanity and makes sense to me.  I orbit around the world ….and it does not take me all day to do it….spinning on and rotating on axis.  I bet you can’t do that!!!

A cataclysmic rush when you listen to the planets collide in your head, I am like that addict that feels the coolness in his veins, the HIGH you try to obtain…

Cyber love…

The solar systems??? I am their god, the truth the life, the pain, the main artery that runs in their veins.  I am a Jones. Venus calls me for help when she cannot get along with Pluto.  I am her savior.

Come inside of my love….

How many stars are named after you?? How many ET’s phone home to your phone? How many aliens seek your love and advice and want to feel your joy?

I got this cyber love…

I am her, and she is me….

Cyber love…..


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



About this man…….


Let me tell you how HE does me, HE acts as if I am desperate, desperate and waiting all the time for him to come and wake me from a deep day dream of sweet serenity. HE will pimp you if you attempt to run and let others get in your head and tell you how much you need him. 

Sometimes HE can confuse you and get you in trouble. HE will try to get you to do things in the name of it, for it and will make you cry over it. He is something so strong and powerful. HE can mend a broken heart, and yet HE is so oxymoron He can break your heart and make your soul cry, and when you do it tends to be rivers and oceans of your life. You feel as if you will never be ever to move on.  That is how HE makes you feel.                

HE is warm and charismatic, full of hope and all the sweet stuff that comes in between that you would throw on top of a sweet tempting sundae.  HE assures you that you feel high so much that you may ache for him. Ahhh HE is something else!  Everyone talks of how HE feels and what HE is capable of doing.  HE will nurture you if you let him.  HE will make you smile and walk on cloud nine.  He is just that damn powerful.  HE is the one that you would want to wake up with and go to bed with.  And the older and older you get you seek him, seek it like a drug addict in the daylight with a flashlight, ooohhh HE is so powerful!  And the funny thing about it is, we love to say it and hear it.

He can make some lose money, family, friends and esteem just from getting involved with him. How can something like this happen?  How can it be a catch 22 if you decide to play and get deeply involved with him?  HE is a bad mutha…

There is not one, no not one person who does not want him in their lives. No matter how stubborn you may be and say that you don’t need him, you do.  You want him in your life.  HE gives you that perfect and completeness. 

HE of whom I speak of is LOVE …..

And HE can be the best and at times the worse thing to ever happen to you.  And so I crave him, I need him, and want him in my life. No matter what the cost, why? Because I am a sucker for him.  And maybe HE has pimped me in the past, and maybe HE will pimp me in the future.  Maybe HE will make me feel as if I have gained the world.  And maybe HE will make me feel and wish I never met him.  But in the end, the very end of it all I need him….. Because HE really does love me…


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions




I am, and always will and do happily live in both worlds, both lives, both conversations, and both persona's. You ? You must please understand that I am a product not true of this world. I have been blessed with gifts and powers untold.  I am half, half of what you see and half of what you get.  No one on this earth could ever posses me wholeheartedly, because I am half of what they will get and half of what they will see.

I am only giving you half of my story right now as I speak.  For you see I will always be half a man, half a wo-man, half of an animal. Yes, I said animal. I am half.

I am just as you apart of something eccentric and unique.  With dark and deep secrets of my parents and their parents, and the parents before me. I carry half of their secrets of life, and some of mine I keep to myself.  Half you see, half of me I can only give.  Because only half of me is what you get and what you see. When you see me, only half.

I am lust and innocence grimy fresh nasty and new.  I am a mother of good and some evil intent.  Malicious and happy go…well, I cannot say lucky because I do not believe in it.  But still and always you will only see half of me.  The people I meet see the half of me I want them to see. They hear what I want them to hear.  They hear the half of me that I am willing to share.

Half of me is sexy erotic and all that egotistical hyped of glamor bullshyt! And the other half, well maybe you will and can only still see half of me.  My lovers see only half of me, because of the animal in me they are always prey, food, hunt, kill. That is the side, well, the other side I know is in me.  But I never let my lovers see that other half of me. 

I am only half of what you see and half of what you get. Because I am not from this planet that you seek.  And I dwell in lands called Jupiter.  And vacation on Mars, I live on earth and fuck with minds and hearts.  I give you only half, and maybe the man inside of this woman’s dick is bigger than yours.  And if I pull out my shyt out  this whole room will get dark.  And I cannot finish the recital of this egotistical poem. 

I give you half, I am many things from slavery and mixtures of blood.  They know not what to label me but black.  I am many things you see, I am a little bit of this and that, which gives me half of a lot of things.

And the woman in me, I can only give these mere mortals half.  For you see I use my powers for good and not evil. And the woman in me is seducing alluring and sexy you see.  That is only what the male species sees in me.  Because they only see half, until I show them another half of me.  So you see I am made of many halves, but I am all me, all wo-man, man, animal you see. You may only get half because my Queendom is on Saturn, and I rule with an iron fist. But being amongst you mortals is entertaining, only, half of me.



Dedicated to all of my true and real poets and writers, authors!  Much love to you and your art!

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions





I have been in your head, and truth be told you have been insistent with your rhetoric for telling tall tales and supposititious lies. I have seen light, and I do not like the way dark feels up and around and against my skin. I have sat in the shade on long blades of grass, and I know what time it is when you begin your silly banter.

See the truth be told is that you’re caught up in the things that your eyes see and bring to your hot nature.  It is more pleasing for you to feed the lust of what you can see and feel from the tips of your fingers.  And though I am the same way, it is the euphoria that you seek in place of pain.

I have grown up to see wise men speak, and young men die.  I have seen the chaotic state of your euphoria and that has become the thin and complacent atmosphere that you live in. Is that a nice thing to do? Can you be so abnormal that the black and white you see in color truly does not exist but only in your state of mind?

See truth be told is that you have your own religion.  You have your own gods and angels that fall at your feet, Man has no history of the knowledge, religion and words that you speak.  You are to me a person who seeks true divinity and cannot see it within yourself.  Is that sad?  Is that nice that I speak the truth of who you are and what you do?

Your feelings and emotions are sheltered keeping you from feeling the truth.  Keeping you from gaining weight, from gaining stability.

See the truth be told that you live in this play world called reality, and your mind speaks in metaphoric jisms. And you are jealous and insecure when they speak the truth.  That your mind is closed and far from free to the reality atmosphere that we all on this earth live in. 

The absolute truth is that you were not even ready when I just told you this.  All because you live in a euphoric atmosphere. And I can’t seem to bring you down.


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions




What about all the times that I reached out for something new? What about all the times that I have gone through so much that I have built up some internal walls? What if my lows were so low that it made me at times tougher than nails? That what you really see is me, but just another form of me. A form of me, just me, being me in all that I can be.

My highs have gotten me into a many door. And my smile has catered to those who do enjoy it. My words have seemed to drip from my lips, and sooth like honey to some ears. And I may have played a few games here and there with the willing. For they were my pawns, my squatters, my lookers on.

Then here comes you, and throws me so many curves I have no idea, no inclination of what I should do. When I run I find myself being led back to the very thing I ran from. You. Love.

My mind has been fed some form of liquid nitrate, coursing through my cerebral. Building, pumping, creating feelings and longings for you. I am caught in the middle of being grown and independent. And my flesh and pride get in the way of that…

What about all the times I know that I have given the raw me? The truth, the light, the golden and ugly part of me? What if I was lied to, hurt by, ran game on type a person? I mean, what you see is really me. And I am just being me. Not trying to run and hide from me. Because if I do not acknowledge the inner me. Then I really couldn’t be me. Could I?

And so a beautiful friendship evolves. And our conversations are now more frequent and long. Smiling at the thought at the feelings I get when I see your name appear on my caller ID. The talks have come now to wanting you. Funny crazy mmmm feelings stir in the pit of my lower stomach when I hear the deep depth of your voice. I am now being pulled out of stratosphere with just the mere sight of seeing that you are calling and wanting me too.

So good are the thoughts and feelings that I have burning for you on the deep inner side. Now my lust has soon to take over. For you see now, I would like to see you. Touch you, look at you, feel you, kiss you, and do you. My longing for you has now placed me in some orbit tryst of some sort. The planets and the moons have once again a lined and dis-a-lined in my present state of emotion. And here I go again. Getting caught in a whelm of emotions. Emotions that seem to be happy and excited for the moment, and then later dampen because I have become bored…

What about if I am so caught up with my present situations? Have to always be on some sort of grind? Always concerned and wondering? What if I am a grown lady on the outside and a little girl on the inside? What if for me I consider myself normal? Even with all my flaws I feel they are normal and you are the one who needs to fix your problems? What about the time it will take to get accustomed to being loved and loved the right way? But yet and again me is what I attain to be. Just me, just the person I grew into be. The same me that you met and talked to. The me that was so attractive to you. I am me, all of me and then some more of me. I am me…..

When I seen you for the first time, I felt a soothing in tuned comfort feeling. This felt like home. This felt like ease and it made the world of sense to me. You for me, and me for you. And so I knew that my mission was not at fault. I had made the correct choice in coming to see you. A day that was beautiful and brisk. For you see, the warmth of your eyes and smile had warmed me up all over. The smooth peck from your lips to mine was exhilarating….

I gave me to you. Because I knew you would appreciate me, and take care of me. Not once did I regret the decision of laying with you. Kissing and giving me some of you, and you giving you some of me. How lovely and wonderful when I slept in your arms. How this felt like home. I marveled at the great and adventures thoughts I had of you and I intertwined in some deep and sensual settings. How I would feed you with my talents, dine you, wine you, bathe you with my words. And feed you with my kisses, and hold you with my heart.

I was even more amazed at our second visit. This was home. And I, I was now getting scared. Having many thoughts of the relationships before you. I began to wave my independence flag. I had not showed you as of yet, in so many ways I had brought out that calling card of mine. But then had began to really show it when it grew, and grew and grew……..

What about all the times that I have gotten caught up of silly things? What about the times that I had faith and trust? About the times that I was looking for a great role model and never seemed to find one? What about when my mind was always set on the negative when I looked and seen a man? What about the times that men tried to mislead me, I said TRIED and I didn’t fall for it? What about the times that I had built up another wall and conditioned myself to believe that love may and may not be in my future to have and to hold? Me….just me…..And there are some things that indeed need to change about me. I see that me, that me that can be so hard to understand why I do me at times so selfishly. Me, silly me….

The time that we shared just through email, had now grown. We were now calling and texting each others phone. We had now gotten past the get to know you stage. And were laughing and telling jokes and enjoying each other as what I had though was “just friends” and conversations for a long time never went far, far out in left field where most men seem to take it. You stay true to just fun and great conversation. And now we are past all of that for months on end. And we have seen, laid in each others arms and commence to passion. And your and I feelings grew into something I could not understand. I mean was I losing my independency to a man? Was I starting to get soft and really letting go?

Until one night you expressed the real to have and to hold. That you saw yourself with no one else. That you were willing to be with me! Me with all these walls that had surrounded me. With all the damn grown up independency. With all the my way or no way clause. Standing back, and letting me grow and see that you do have me, To encourage and enlighten me. To tell and show me what it is that I do wrong. To not demand of me, but to show me that you know that I am grown. And that you are appreciative to what I bring and give when I place it on the table. That you see a light in me that is worth attaining.

What about the times I saw no me with anybody? But I am me. And working on me to be a better me. A better me because you have showed me. And thank you for loving me….being there for me…showing me to come and have some faith in me. Have some faith in you….let me be me, a great and wonderful and even more loving me. A me that you are willing to work with, and be with. Me, just me. Thank you for asking me.

You bring me life and smiles. And I am so glad to be your wife.








“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



And then there is love. I mean real love. I am not talking about that funny, shaky, questionable love. I am speaking true love. The sort of love that requires her, Patience. She is a unique individual you know? She goes a long way. And she sits, waits, and has no complaints about what it is she does and what she represents. She is a remarkable thing. She is what I strive to be. Patient

Her love, life, understanding, concern, passion, loyalty. Patience, is her in all her glory. She is not quick to make rash decisions, she thinks things through, she feels her way through life. She knows when and when not to move. She is a major part of love, success, health, happiness, goals, dreams, visions of anew and afar.

She sees the future so clearly, when she takes the time and be patient and sit still. Now Patience is no fool. She knows when it is time to run, play, fold, and turn away. This is why I love her as much as I do. She is low-key, yet brilliant and very underrated. Sure she is mentioned a lot, and she is talked about all the time. Her name is always on the lips of followers, and want to be believers. Some people just don’t have what Patience has. Some will never get it, while some know and believe.

Patience has taught me well. She has been the one in the far corner and recesses of my mind. The one calling my name, “It’s going to be okay. Just have some patience. It will work out.” And she is right, she is always right. This is why I have love, mad love, real love for Patience. She comes right on time, she creeps in, she tells me to have patience with so many things. She represents and shows me how.

Stupidity and patience don’t mix. But real patience is alluring, kind, sexy even. Maybe it could be my blurred sense of perception speaking overtime. Patience should never be treated like some side piece. She is the main course, she is the meal. I adore her, I honor her. And wish that I could be more like her everyday. Some require her. Maybe spouses, children, family members, co-workers, friends, and lovers. They need to all take note.

I am, I guess you could say a little intimidated by her. And yet I hold high praise for her. And so even as I continue to begin my love for Patience, I inhale deeply. I exhale quietly. And even though her close cousins Frustrated, Tired, Anger come flying around corners to meet me and rile me. It is Patience that finds her way into my heart. And brings her father Wisdom. Thank you, for you patience.

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions


Last Minute Sales!


I have always wanted the best for you. Wanted to see your name up in lights. Wanted to make sure that you were in front of a camera all the time looking and feeling your best. You were always my superstar, the one whom I could count on to get that extra strength, encouragement, and smiles. My frowns were not many when we met.

I have always wanted you to be the perfect you. The perfect way that only you walk, smile, laugh, cry, hurt and have compassion. No one can seem to do you better than you. No one can just seem to pronounce their words quite the way you do. Let alone come close to the way you sound and bend syllables until they feel comfortable coming from your mouth,

I have always wanted the best for you . You are the inner light that I love to feel that warm and wondrous true energy. Your unique, your sweet, your loyalty. No one can give me exactly what is that you bring. That perfect you. Some may be reminded of others they know by your presence or maybe the way you talk. But you are still your own person. And take it as a compliment of the person that brought them joy. But you are the perfect you,.

I always wanted you to reach your goals and dreams. No matter what they might have been. If it were to move in the next month, buy a house, a dress, or eat your favorite meal. It was whatever that you believed in that made sense to you and made you feel good of you. As long as it was something positive, and that is what I enjoy about you. The perfect you no one can do.

I have wanted nothing but the best of you, because that is what I always got from you. And what I gave to you because you gave it so freely. The perfect you, nothing compares to you. To your smile, the way you wear and style your hair and clothes. You are the perfect you, even from that scar that you got from falling a long time ago. I like it, no one else has one that looks exactly like the one you have. It’s perfect, just like you.

I love how and where your beginning and end ends. It’s all apart of you. And what makes you the perfect you. Making me want only the best for you. Because you have always wanted the best for me. Your humble, your joy, your kindness, your warmth, your love. I thank you for being the perfect you. Making me be the perfect me.




Dedicated to all of my readers……..Thank you for so much of your time, love, and friendship


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



He, the one, the one whom I felt, knew, had deep in my heart had betrayed me once again. How do I get caught up in his whimsical lies and lines of good when he pushes my hopes to the furthest they can go. I fall deeply for him again. I have lost hope, and now as I sit here, alone. Contemplating my future, I am left with the rhyme and the reason. It is best to stay put. Be like Kunta Kinta when he named his daughter, first born Kizzy. Which means ?stay put? And as much as he has lured me into this game by his charm and promises. I, like Kunta. I will ?stay put? and I will ride the high seas of joy, pain, love, hardships, lost and gains with him. I have to stand for something.

I thought I knew him well, I thought he had changed,. I mean, he did in a lotta of ways opening so many doors from what I have seen, So many have gathered and gained. But the sting of his bite is still left in the air. And it is with that bitter sweetness that lies dormant in my mouth . The part that I do not wish to crave, the part in the relationship we have I would like to not even know is there. But it rears it?s ugly head and shows up. Hurts me, brings my insane sanity all to an end.

I am moved by him, I mean, he has opened up his arms to me. Helped me get on my feet fast and in a hurry. Just as I like it! I saw the beauty, the serenity of calming peace. How at night I see the dark skies with stars so bright, it feels as if I can reach out and touch them. With that certain smell the feels the air with such a sweet aroma. It is the peace I feel when I look out into the trees that stand tall and in bunches all over. Their vines clinging and growing from one tree to another. I have a strong sense of being here with him. I breathe him deep, and I get back focused. He focuses me, yes he does.

But with many highs, there indeed comes many lows. And it is the lows that seem to bring me to that same fork in the road of him. Why did I give him so much power, so much being, so much of me, my heart, my love, my passion? And he hurts me. My expectations were so high, and I guess that is when I dwell on the lows. And I dwell and get sad, because he has lured so many many here with his strong purveyance. He has a wit, a genteelness in him that draws you that way.

But the death, the hate, the malice, the lies, the hurt, the challenges he has brought to so many so much for so many years. He has not been a saint. And I knew this, I knew this. But, again. I saw him so different. So surreal in fact I indeed got caught up in the hype.

So, ?to stay put? and make this bastard be real and good to me is what I plan to do. No, no , no!!! Not just yet! He can not get rid of me like that! I always run from things. I always run from love, and I run from hurt , pain and devastation. But this time, this time I make my dreams and goals come true through him. He shouldn?t have ever gave me that illusion, that dream, that focus. That love he was trying to give to me and I was refusing. No, he can?t get rid of me like that, He has to pay, and so far he has paid me well. And I will continuously make him give me him and more. Squeeze everything I can out of him, Believe that!

So this love I have been feeling for him for years, I will now make him love me. And all the people he played, I will get revenge for them. I will continue to be me as much as I can, he owes me . He owes me.



My dedication?..

This is my ode to the South, an experience. So I dedicate this to ?him? the South. You have been the best and worst lover I have had. And you have opened my eyes to so much and so many things. The blessings, and the downfalls came quick. But it is here, it is here where a portion of my roots are.

Just Toy

Written Expressions



All it took was one touch, and I was hooked. I didn't know
what to think of myself. Nor did I know what to really feel. I was
so confused about all the passion I was feeling. And the funny
thing about it was. I didn't even know his name. This was my
first time seeing him. And I was hoping it would not be my last.
How could someone possess so much power? Have such a
hold on me? I asked so many questions, and I had no answers
for myself. I just stayed dumbfounded.

I was on my lunch break. And I needed to cash my check. It
seemed as if I had ninety million things to do. But it was always
like that on pay day. Not only were the bills waiting for you. But
food, cleaning, washing, household products. And let's not
forget that dress and pair of shoes I had been eyeing for the last
past week now.

The bank was located in the same building I worked in. So I
went ahead and established an account there. That way I didn't
have to drive anywhere to cash my check, or get money. And
because I had been at my job for a while, I pretty much had
established a repoir with all the bank employees. I had
established a real close repoir with the assistant manager and
the head manager. We went out together on the weekends, and
we went to lunch together.

So when I walked in that day, I was so surprised in what had
happened. I mean I felt this mans energy when I stepped in line!
It was that powerful! I could hear only his voice through out the
bank. And it wasn't like he was yelling, or speaking very loudly
either. It was just as if his voice resonated through the air.

My heart skipped a beat, then started racing. My hands got
damp and my pulse quickened so rapidly. I took a deep long
hard swallow. My mouth was really dry. And I needed a cold
refreshing glass of water. This man had something I couldn't
put my finger on. He had so much going on around him. And I
wondered if he knew the power and energy he possessed. He
just seemed the type to be able to stop traffic with his smile. He
was truly magnificent.

The line was long, and I just kept hoping, and making silent
prayers to God that I would be the next person to walk up to his
window. I held by breath everytime the light flashed green with a
pointing arrow saying next. I kept my fingers crossed as the
ultimate secret want and swear. This man was just that
incredible. I knew loving him was easy.

His eyes were lakes calming lakes, rivers and oceans. And
they rested quietly inside. I looked without looking. I stared
without staring. I kept fixing my clothes, sucking in my stomach,
fixing my hair. I couldn't keep still. I was like a little kid in a toy
store. Only I was containing myself. I had noticed that everyone,
who had gotten this teller, seemed to have the biggest smiles on
their faces. He entranced them as well. Like this man had
made their day as well. It was ironic, I really wasn't the only one
feeling this way. Like we were all in this secret society club. Like
we all had sworn to keep our crushes to ourselves.

He was not short, but he wasn't tall. I am sure his medium
built slim physique made him look like that. It made him look as
if he were really tall. His suit looked as if it was sewn on. It was
altered to perfection! His skin was flawless! Glowing, shining,
looking very epervesent. People were pleased to have come out
of his line. The men, not that they were gay in anyway. I don't
want to misinform you. But they walked away with smiles. And
the women! The women were charmed, swooned, knocked
down to their knees. He had it like that.

I looked for the manager, and her assistant. But I could not
find my friends. I wanted so badly to ask either one of them, who
was he. When did he start working here? I had so many
questions. I wanted to ask the lady in front of me who he was.

I mad e sure I had everything filled out on my deposit and
withdrawal slip. I was going over in my head how I would
approach him. What I would say, and how I would say it. There
was so much going on in my head. I needed to look on his left
hand to see if he had a wedding band. Or if he wasn't married,
was he living with someone? Or was he dating, or in a serious
relationship? I didn't wan to make a fool of myself. That was the
last thing I wanted to do.

There were two more people in front of me. And the one in the
lead was sent to window eight. I blew out a deep breath. Then
the next window that was open for the lady in front of me. I held
my breath again. And she was called to window six. Again I let
out a deep sigh. It looked as if the customer he was helping
was just about finished. But then the bell rang, and I was moved
to window two. He was at window three. So at least I was able
to pass him and really look in his face. Magnificent!

I got to the window, and I handed the teller my bankbook, and
filled out slip. I glanced around the bank. Not being too obvious.
And I looked over at him. He was indeed a work of art. I felt such
a kind, loving and peace around him. He had all this sweetness
exuding from his pores. I wanted to taste, touch and see. If it
was all what I had felt. Or if I was making all of this up in my

I asked the teller if he was a new hire. She said that he had
been here a week. And he was a really nice and sweet guy.
That all the women were all over him. I got slightly jealous. Why
didn't I decide to go into banking? What was wrong with me?
Somebody was going to snatch him up soon! If he wasn't gotten
already. This stranger was mesmerizing in every way. I wanted
to ask what his name was. But I didn't want to appear desperate
or superficial. So I sucked it all in like a real trooper would. And
when the teller was finished with my transactions. I gave this
man one final look. And I left out of the bank.

I had returned to the bank a week later. And I looked all
around for this beautiful stranger. He wasn't there. I saw the
assistant manager. I walked up to her and gave my normal
greetings. And I was forward. I asked her where was the new
employee. She told me that he had left. He had to go back to
Florida to check on his family. So I asked her was he married.
She told me know. I asked her was he single. And she said
yes. But she didn't know if he would be returning or not.
Because his family was in dire straights. But that he would call
back in two weeks. Because of him being a new employee.
They couldn't hold his spot for too long. I was undoubtedly
disappointed. I should have just stepped out on faith.
Approached him, made a move. But I didn't.

So this man, this beautiful man shall always be anonymous.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions


G spot


He thought he had the answer to all my problems, to all my worries. That what he offered was indeed the be all end zo. And I sat there and listened as this man and his polished lines. I could tell that he had been in this place, this spot before. And he had ran these lines to many women before me. I could see where all of this was going. This was SUPPOSE to go straight to my room, or his. But I had patience…..

As I sat across from him and he just KNEW that he was going in the right direction. And I was bathing in the palms of his hand. But in my head, I smiled, and I shook my head. He was saying all the right things, and he had done a few of the right things. I was in awe……

On my back, on top, from behind, this is where he wanted to be. Me in the nude, no clothes, feeling his thrust deep inside. Hitting my spots, G-spot. I twiddled my fingers over and over in my lap. My coffee had gotten cold, my danish was no longer desirable. And the man that I had THOUGHT had a chance to be the ONE I could settle with, give my heart to was just another fictional character. I was setting myself up for another FAIRYTALE. Another disappointment.

How could someone so intelligent, so real and down to earth be so full of himself and not see the real and total picture that women are GIFTS to men. And how having the right MAN in her life she would CHERISH. Why was it only about the KILL? Why was the ultimate goal to get her on some cold sheets? Maybe I am not getting the big picture. I thought that we were all looking for our SOUL MATES. Sure in my hey day it was all about divide and conquer. I had the same hunger at times that HE has at this moment.

I wanted to leave, get up, walk away and leave him here talking to himself and looking frivolous and plain ole mundane. But I just didn’t have the heart. Why you ask? Because what I wanted to do was show him some RESPECT. Some of what he has not shown me, not at this moment. How did four dates get to here? We hardly know each other! Maybe the old me I would have jumped at the chance to get with such an attractive man. He had it all! But what did we really know about one another to make that move?……

As he continued to rattle and rant, razzle and dazzle me ( so he thinks) I was tuning him out, and looking at all the other people that were sitting in the coffeehouse. Wondering what their life story was. Wondering what they were thinking. As my date had begun now to tell me that he could satisfy my every WANT and my every DESIRE. That he could hit that spot that would make me squeal with pleasure! This was now getting deeper as he was sticking his foot, leg, arm, and everything else in his mouth!….

However, he was doing all of this talking and foaming at the mouth. As if he was going to dine and have this succulent dish before him. Maybe he could hit my G-Spot….But he was not hitting my SPOT at all. And I was wondering what would be a good time to interrupt him and give him the TRUTH……

And the truth was….he was not hitting my G-spot at all! He was not hitting the spot in my heart, my soul, my mind, my whole being. HE was on the physical, and I needed so much more. Do I tell him? Do I let him down slow????…..

“I would like to tell you that is has been a pleasure getting to know you. And the few dates that you and I have managed to have. Well they have been so wonderful. But at this point and time, you are not hitting the right G-spot. You have made the decision that the spot is between my legs, something deep inside of me. That it is sexual. And you probably could have gotten there. But my G-spot is located here and here. I pointed to my heart and head. I reached in my pocket and pulled out twenty dollars, and I placed it on the table. This date is on me, I don’t want you to feel as if I only hung out with you because you paid for all the dates we went on. Enjoy.” And I got up, kissed him on the forehead.

I took a deep breath. And said to myself, “Maybe next lifetime there will be a man that will hit my G-spot” I shrugged my shoulders, because again I was disillusioned.

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions





I have decided that I was going to disconnect myself from the world
for one week. And let me begin to tell you, that lonely ain't what
it use to be.....

They say be leery of those who can not sit still in one place. Of
those who have to have company and people all in their
face........and I say to them all, lonely ain't what it use to be.

So this sabbatical I will take, and I will get rid of the human race.
For one week that is. And I will discover some things upon my own.
No TV, no computer, no radio, no phone. I will erase myself from
peoples thoughts and act as if I don't even exist.

I shut myself off inside my home, only having books to read and paper
and pen to write my thoughts upon. I excluded myself from rubbish
and harmful things. And saw how the day seemed to never come to an
end. I took myself back in time. From the very first day that I
could remember. And tried to justify my life through others from
January to December. I acted as if the world was no longer important
to me. Because I didn't seem to be important to the world. I was
only a statistic, a number, and part of surveys and poles.

If I can not make my family, friends, co-workers, and my job
appreciate the real man I am. Then there should be no problem in me
wandering off to no mans land. To dream of a time when money really
didn't exist. And we lived off the land and TV wasn't a daily dish.

I worked hard on deprogramming my list. Tried to erase hurt and pain
with just one wish. I got angry at others and even myself. I looked
in the mirror hard at myself. I saw some lies, deception, and bad
choices I had made. And realized these things would have never
happened if I had stayed truly to myself. If I chose only to speak,
as only to be cordial. If I ate alone, went to bed alone, gave only
what I had to. Lonely ain't what it use to be......

I stumbled across mistakes, things that I said she said and he said.
And looked back at all the incidents me, family, friends and co-
workers had shared. Then closed m eyes again and once envisioned if I
had just stayed to myself, and had been by myself, none of these
things would truly exist. And none of them would have happened had I
not gotten caught up in the human twist.

So I did this twist for a full seven days, and realized that lonely
does an does not pay. I mean I had peace, and I revisited past lives
this is true. And all I really wanted was the simple life, just to
do what I have to do. Stay out of others dramas was high on my
list. Only help others if it was truly my wish. Third was to keep my
opinions to myself. Because they seemed to get me in trouble and put
on a shelf. To forget about love and other peoples feelings. Because
this was the thing that had brought me the most grief, at least that
is what I see. Lonely ain't what it use to be.....

Lonely use to be and mean just one thing. To be with ones self, no
company, not in touch with the human race. But now lonely craves to
be in love and missing the company of others and not soul searching
ones self for a full recovery. Am I lonely now? To be honest and
quite frank, no I am not. Because when I am lonely , there seems to
be no one that can come in to that place.

So now that I am alone, because I chose to be. Alone from the world
because right now there is no other place I would rather be. Lonely
to face myself in the mirror. Lonely to read thoughts of my mirrored
images because I am cutting myself off from the world...............

But as soon as I come back into its full existence. There are tons
of emails, voicemails, and text messages I could not avoid. It was
cool for a minute. But being lonely was truly bored!

Just Toy

Written Expressions




I was sent back to this world to watch out for him. To make sure
that he would be okay. This is what I do. Look out for people,
rather it be men, women, children. I enjoyed caring and loving

I looked from up above and saw him, he was inded a specimen "Aries"
My heart went out to Aries. A complicated man who enjoyed
adventure. Why he put himself in so many precarious situations I
have no idea. There were times when I watched him I would have to
close my eyes, scared that he would do something to hurt himself.

Aries was man who loved too hard, but had so many walls up. Only
his family and very close friends got and understood him very well.
I did too, well of course, why wouldn't I? I guess Aries was like a
grape, if you could peel that skin off very slowly, delicately, and
not rush. Then will you see the veins of that grape. And that is
when you could understand how Aries felt and thought.

Aries a vereal, strong, intelligent, and extremely sensitive. He
took very good care of his loved ones. And at times had the mouth of
a sailor!!! It was the profane language that got to me at times.
Aries also fell in love too soon and too quick. He always attracted
he women who only wanted free sex and a good time for the moment.
While Aries worked on being faithful, I saw the other women whom he
had in his life laugh behind his back. Take him for a joke, all he
wanted was to be loved and cared for. He felt at this point and time
in his life he should have only one woman in his life. But he chose
the wrong ones. I wanted to scream!!! But he would not hear me. How
could he?

Aries also had the wrong type of addictions, speed, love, and sorrow.
How you say? Well, the speed thing was racing cars, motorcycles, jet
skis,you name it. When he was happy, and a lot when he was down. The
speed seemed to make him feel better. But the angrier or saddened he
was. The faster he went! I had to hold him tight, arms around him,
encircling him into me. So that he would not hurt himself. I tried
at times to whisper in his ear "Aries,you will be okay. Love will
come. Your bills will be paid. There is someone for you. you are
loved. Not all people are users. You are just attracting the same
ones. And they see that inside of you." But to no avail. There
were some hurts and pains I had to let him experiment on his own.
Hoping he would learn, and some he had to learn, and go through over
and over again. It was at these times I cried. And when I cried, it

Like most people Aries wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. And
he gave his all in every endeavor. But things would sink for him at
times because he tried to hard. His persistence was led in the wrong
way. To see him cry alone, and to always ask "Why him?" I would
answer, "Why not you? Do you know how special and a jewel you are?
Do you not see all the hidden potential that lies in your soul? Do
you not see the warmth that you give when others come around? Do you
not believe in your talents and the love you give but always hold
back?" But alas, he could not hear me. Deep inside Aries doubted
himself. And again I was saddened. I was at these times that when I
know he was thinking, I would implement positive warm thoughts. That
I would minister true love and inspiration to him. See we attrract
what we are. So if you attract insecure, emotional, users and
abusers. It is because of you. That is if you see the same thing
happening over and over again. I wanted Aries to have and think
great things of his future. Put it out there in the universe!
Confess it and claim it so I could bring it to him.

To see a man sad, hurt, riddled to where he feels he is nothing is
the saddest thing. When he would watch TV, I would stand before him.
Look into his eyes. And I would see so much inside of him. He , a
wounded man. From childhod, past loves, jobs, friends, and present
situations. I told him, "You gotta forgive and release it! Don't
hold hate and pain in your heart. Open your inner eyes so that you
can see the madess before it comes. Do not get so excited at what you
first see. Listen to me, I will not lead you wrong. I speak very
softly in your heart. I tell you it is a mistake, I warn you. I
love you, and I want nothing but the best for you Aries." And then I
would see a smile on his face. And that made my heart proud.

One night as he wasl aying in bed, I felt a wave of sadnes had hit
him. I quickly ran over to him and cradled him in my arms. "You are
loved. You are loved" And he snapped out of it. That was a close

Aries was at times scared to share how he really felt about sensitive
subjects. I would get angry with some of his friends. They had
nothing but negative things most times to say. Their comments about
women were not nice. And the way they expected Aries to handle it.
Was not the way the wanted to handle it. But pride is a beast! And
some of those friends would build that false pride up, and it would
hurt Aries even more. Build and add more to that invisibale wall. I
told you my Aries was like a grape! And I would want to scream at
them! But I couldn't.

Aries is a very smart man, so many ideas of how to start a business,
how to make things happen. How to get it done. But it seems as if
something was always getting in his way. Or he was letting get in
his way. He would let some of the outside dramas and life detour him
from his path. The path I was assisting him down.

I had to at times just sit back. Because I was trying too hard for
Aies. And he was no trying hard enough. Or letting the picture of
what he was seeing take him another route. There were things that
were so precious and valuable to Aries, and it was those things that
I had to reinforce, I had to make sure that he saw it wasn't a bad as
he thought it would be. Life, love, happiess, a high so
unbelieveable was right there. Right there!!!! All he had to do was
change his thinking, not get caught up, pay attention, listen to that
inner voice, be patient. And continue down the positive path. For I
have seen all the miracalous things laid before him.

The trials were always going to be there. Negative thoughts, people
having to give their ten percent here and there. But when HE WOULD
LISTEN. Or when he did listen to me. All was well.

I came to fall deeply for the human Aries, and I promised him that I
would protect him throughout this journey. Only if he believed.

Dedicated to ARIES

don't give up, stay strong, much respect and love. Be and do you. Be


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions




You gotta slow down, be careful, be independent. Don't take smiles
as a yes I can and yes I will. As your infinite answer.

Don't get caught up in the hype of lies and promises, do not be
fooled by those who spitefully misuse you. To get you to do things
you do not do.

Please listen.....and breathe.

I am watching you, watching how you are tale spinning out of
control. How your mind is going in and out of so many directions
that you do not know who you are.

The planets do not always align all the time. The sequence of the
satrs in that astrological bullshyt you read is not true. Bad things
and wild things do not always occur with a full moon.

The demons that play the instrumental when you walk alone play for
you because you ask them to. Not becasue they have to. Don't open
the door girlfriend to the unwanted haters. Bush did that already.

Please listen.....and then breathe.

Breathe cause you have life,

Breathe becasue you are a beauty to be cherished and loved.

Breathe becasue there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Breathe becasue you will now love yourself like no other has ever had.

Please listen......

You are the perfect beat, verse, line, light and life in the world.
That the things that have come and gone. People and places that no
longer exsist are for a reason. You no longer needed the heartbreak
or the pain that exuded from those fakers and want to be non-sayers
and haters that exude false tivities.

Please listen....

You are the epitome of pride and life. Vulnerable and voluptuist
beauty that men women and children are attracted to. Don't believe
the hype of what society tells you.

Please.....breathe......breathe.......and let your will be done.
Don't be mad at the title of this poem. Because I heard many men
call you that, and you thought it was cute.

So please just for me, don't harp, don't dwell on things that are not
going well, or happening now. And things that have ended. All
things happen for a good reason. We never see the fall before it
comes. And never aware of when it will happen. But when we get up,
we dust ourselves off and continue on..

Breathe for me mami............just breathe

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions




I have been blinded by fanfare and fancy lights and nights.

By the men who claim to be all of that in bed and out of my sight.
Men who claim to be the best that they can be.

And really who ain't about shyt. These are the men to me who pull
pranks, and think only of their dicks to claim their ranks.

There are so many of them and not all that have this problem. Try to
take it, and they feel as if you're robbing. Robbing them of all
they can be. And ever will be. These are the brothers who have
issues, deeper than we all can see.

When you think with your dick, and feel that you are slick. And have
all that a woman needs. You tend to tell lies. And those lies can
not feed.

You screw when you are sad. And worst of all screw women because you
are mad. Have no respect for the real women who stand tall and
strong. You my friend have dick issues. And that is a line to
another song.

You pimp. plot, play and can't relate. Cause all you think and
wonder about is that thing that swings and flows between your legs.
Where is the wife you said I do to? Did she know that you to were a
hoar and a cheat? That not only do you share yourself with her. But
you share yourself with other women in between their sheets?

Your ego swings long and hard between your legs. If it should happen
that a woman says you were not great in bed. You are humiliated and
run back to the last victim who thought you were great. And applause
is in her breathing, and so you wait. For her to tell you , "Baby
you were great! Your dick fed me. And for that I will wait. Wait
for you to leave your wife. Come be with me for just one night"

Yeah, this is what you live for, die even if you could. Please let
us knock on wood that your johnson does not have any issues. Cause
therefore these women would be missing the good things that you
offer. I scoff at.

Now with this said, is a woman your queen? Is she the one that you
have seen and dreamed that heaven is always with her. Or is she the
one you're fucking, cause you seem to be running out of luck and have
no respect for you and her.

It is you that do you and the things that you do don't add up to the
things that you say you do. It is all in your HEAD. The one that
feeds on egos, please go , and just know. That your dick issues will
follow you until you make a change. And change is hard for you, your
dick has fangs. Lacking true idenity. Forget the crisis, forget the
many prices you have paid.

Running up in chicks just to get laid. You have had shots for VD,
empty presciption bottles fill your cabinet in secrecy. Please

I hope that you stop running up in everything you see. And not wear
your ego behind those jeans. And wake up and smell real coffee
brewing. Cause your dick issues got you confused like bi-sexaul men
on crack. And the Dick you pushing, that shit is really wack!

I had decided to write this to men and women. I rarely write poetry.
And because I had got pumped up with some poetry I had heard. I
share this to the MEN who have no respect. And the women who give
them the space to do what they do best. This is one just might
offend, but what good is a rebel, if they don't start a thing?

"Just Toy"

Written Expression


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 When can I get Some

I'm going back, back, waaaay back to when not having was not seen as
a crime. I mean I had you had we all had but we all had some bad and
hard times.

I'm going back to when I didn't know daddy didn't have no job cause
he left and came home at the same time everyday. And we still ate and
no utilities were shut off.

And I ask you, when can I get some?

I wanna go back, waaaaay back to when we had the telephones that hung
on the wall in the kitchen. And there was no such thing as having a
push button phone. And when the phone rang, it rang real loud.
Remember that? I am going back to a time where I had no worries and
no pride, and just wanted to go play outside.

When can I get some?

I am going back to when I never knew my parents business. Not all of
it anyway. That I was innocent and not so innocent all at the same
time. I'm going back to a time where they had roller derby on TV.
Yeah, some of ya'll remember that. When fake wrestling didn't seem
so fake. And there was no pay per-view. You could watch all the
fights for free on regular TV.

When can I get some?

I wanna go back to when you got a big big bag of chips and only paid
a quarter. And they were like the bag we buy today that they charge
99 cents for. I wanna go back to when Bubble Yum came out and
everyone was on it. When Now and Laters were 10 cents.

When can I get some?

I wanna go back to when hide and go get it meant just that. When you
got it you really didn't know what to do with it. And kissing was
like having sex? Remember that?

When can I get some?

I wanna go back in time when parents were parents never mind the
dyfucntion that you seen. Family loved family and divorce wasn't at
a high. When virginity was still seen as a prize. Even though young
girls got pregnant and it seemed to be the routine. Grand mothers
were at least in their forties. And I am not sure I wanna go back

But I still wanna get some, can I?

I wanna go back before they start making roller blades. When we had
roller skates, remember that? You could go in practically in any
store. And pick up white with red and blue strips. Or blue with red
and white strips. And if you had all black or white you really spent
money. When going roller skating at the rink was the place to be.

Can I get some?

I wanna go back to when the ice cream truck came slowly down the
street and had the loudest chimes and sweetest song. When it made you
ask your mother and father for some money to get you something. You
knew what time he hit the block everyday. You could hear him around
the corner! When your mom would say, "Go get my purse" And she
said, "Bring me back a bag of chips and a drumstick"

Can I get some?

I wanna go back to when little kids were cherished, schools were not
closing, the lottery was not around. When music was changing but it
was still pure. I wanna go waaaaaaaay back to where the innocence of
eyes and some words meant a lot to you. And love was pure. Well
maybe that really wasn't a time. But I still wanna go waaay back.

Can I get some? Just a little, not a lot because I don't wanna be
greedy. I don't dare wanna take advantage. Just thought I could go
back for just a little bit. Get some of those great memories that
made me, made life so wonderful and each day no matter what an
adventure. I wanna get just a little piece of that if I can, if I
may, If I mght. Right before I close my eyes and go to sleep tonight.

Dedicated to Mr. Derek M. Davis "Coach Davis" My best friend who
appreciates and relishes every memory of his childhood. Love you, and
continie to cherish those days.

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions



A revelation in a situation in my personal relations. A deep
education in fornication. Non-relaxation on all my presentations.
Hard to relate deep dedication. Too many expectations,
disappointments integration. Now our relations concern
segregation. My reputation is at stake. Sanctification, cleansing
of my mind. Tribulation of deep confirmation, obvious
confrontations. Mixed up, not too much information. Heartaches
newfound pains. A little education that's not advantageous. A
love you brought so deep. It was highly contagious. You can say
degradation is my middle name. No longer feeling an important
emotional stimulation. My friends gather in congregation.
Telling me to refuse your temptations. I'm trying hard to resist
your verbal connotations. My imagination takes me to a
comfortable relaxation. Your population amongst those other
woman is truly strong. Don't I give you sweet adulation when we
make love? I thought our communication was strong. Your
preparation is so offending. Your representation is so full of fire!
Start the detonation. My life, my destination doesn't include you.
Not to be in this deep relation.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

 What About This Thing Called Love?

What about this thing called love? Huh? Somebody please talk
to me! I am weary, tired, and I can't get up.
This shit called love has completely beaten me up.
I feel with my heart, and other places that I won't speak of.
I feel at times that I have licked this damn thing called love.
Got people losing their minds, taking lives, losing weight, and
telling lies.
All for this mixed and crazy feeling we call love.
This word has so much fame. That people have been talking
about it since the beginning of time.
Line by line I have read of stories so sweet and true.
Heard mother fuckers talk how that shit made them blue.
What is it this thing we called love.
Got men fighting wars, cause they sprung on a pearl tongue.
And women think that the piece is outlined in gold.
Loving for the wrong reasons, and loving for the right.
People listening to Marvin Gaye, and Al green in the dark.
Asking why didn't love bring your ass home last night?
Cause I was in love and lust at first sight.
I thought that all I did, and all I have done. Would make you love
me, and know that I care.
And you say you love me. And I not dare to make you a lie.
But cheat, rob, destroy. You get in my bed like a stranger in the
Stealing hearts is so fun to do. Why did we do what we do when
we love the people who are always there for you?
Hunting and chilling. Bless and fresh. Twisted, torn. Next thing
comes is your life is a mess.
But some loves have lived until death due them part. Like Mark
Anthony and Caesar, who tried to claim Cleopatra's heart.
Adam and Eve knew know better. But made love and this world
Through the seed of hope, and the seed I pray.
That love will not lose its fame.
And will grow never to be tamed.
So I say play on player in this cruel and yet unique thing called
Cause I'll search and search. Cause I got so much love to give
and receive.
So what my heart was broke, and I thought from between my
legs and not my heart.
So what if the loving was good where he spread it apart.
And for the one who has high hopes, of his piece outlined in
It just might be that you see something that was lost long ago.
And for those who fall in love at first sight.
I say keep hope alive, and don't give up your fight.
Play, live, and love hard.
Live you life!
Cause love ain't easy, and it ain't your wife.
For that man who is running up behind that dress tail.
Don't let your boys discourage you while you run your trail.
It could be, and could be not for you.
But you ain't dumb or blind.
Lust and love got you going and walking in high times.
Michael Jackson thought he could beat it.
L.L. Cool J. say he need it.
And we moan and groan about it if we can't feel it.
See it.
Hold it.
And be it.
In your dreams like you were King Solomon.
Living many lives, having many wives.
Was it lust of the flesh?
Or something that was blessed?
Could you and I be so mother fucking lucky?
That love would make it all right.
That love would bring your man or your woman home last night.
That whatever you do for and on your quest for love.
That no matter how hard it gets,
And how many times you fall.
In and out of the shit.
Going through one on one to make your pick.
You will always be able to love.
Broken hearts and mended lies.
You'll be able to love again.
And you'll be warm in it, and you'll close your eyes.
I got love on my mind.
I got love moving up my spine.
I got love like there was never no love like before.
I heal hurt hearts, and I keep those doors unclosed.
Long legs, sweet eyes, big dick, and creamy thighs.
I am thinking of love with my eyes.
But I'll flip the script,
And I'll think of love to replenish lives.

Dedicated to the ones I've loved

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

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Sooo I see that you are back…Oh no…you are a new one…hmmm ready for the ride huh? Ready for the adventure huh? Well, with all this right here? This right here , this right here is sorta like that new dope. You know the kind they keep giving new names to, but it still does the same to you? Yeah, you want the “Love Supreme” Hey…I am not mad at you. For real now….but…umm check this out…..this right here is like the Joker to Batman, Catwoman to katnip, bud to a blunt. Hold on cause you might just choke.

This is a public service announcement, giving you fair warning. “pushing rhymes like weight” and I sure as we speak, “I don’t bang I rock the good rhyme” and like Nina Simone, “I’m feeling good” So I just might, just might let you try some. “But you can’t handle the truth” And yet you wait like silent prey, I attack your back, and you wasn’t ready for nothing like that. Saw something you wanted, thought you would unleash the beast and jump on it. Man! Have I got news for you. “It’s a matter of time” before you see that you have stepped in something that is overwhelming, intoxicating.

Now “I’m the biggest boss that you seen thus far” I am the Nefertiti that reigned centuries before. I am the Queen close to the equator nothing greater. “Don’t cry you’re not alone” Many of folk thought they could deal with it, get use to it, be there and deal with the high power. Kryptakindalike, we something like them…top flight security of the world! They need security of the world” Let me cool off, cuzz you gotta a lil razzled dazzled by all this experience standing before you. And I’m too lazy, so hold it for me. My words may seem dizzy and complex. But my real riders, they all know what’s next.

So with that I will go, cause hun, you aint ready for steak. So you go ahead and go on over there and get a hot dog! Cause this right here, this right here. This is SUPREME CHOW CHOW! And they do not sell this on any shelves at any stores.

My bad, You still want some?

Dedicated to my daughters, Amber & Genny. Some may not understand how I bring this one. But they do. And this is a pre-nup if you will to the next story “ My G-Spot”

I love you Amber, thank you for giving me something silly to write about and making me laugh. You are the greatest! Kisses to geneosoul who is a talented and a great poet.

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions



I was never raised not to be a lady.  I alwas have been the perfect lady. And my mother was a ladies lady.  Beautiful, graceful, loving, kind, soft-spoken.  A very sweet and gentle spirit.  I love my mother dearly, and to this day she is still the same.

I am a lady all the time.  No matter how, what, and why I say or do.  I am always cordial to the men in my life.  And I am a huge giver.  It is inbedded in my spirit to do so.  I dress the epitome of sex and sophistication.  And so therefore the men in my life respect that.

As I sit in the mirror and coife.  I brush my hair, perse my lips.  And then dab them lightly with a kleenex.  I spray sum mango and peach body spray over my body.  I slightly rub my breast and acroos my shoulders.  I then get the bottle of lotion with the same fragrance.  And I rub it all over my body.  My make-up is flawless, and I get up and make it to my bed and slowly get dressed.  I have a date that is coming to my home for dinner.  My chef is in the kitchen now preparing a healthy veggie and seafood meal.  The fragrance of the food has wafted to my room.  And my stomach is slightly grumbling. 

I hear the doorbell ring, so I check myself in the mirror.  And I am pleased at what I see.  I glide acroos the floors.  My heels lightly clacking on the hardwood floors.  And I open the door, I know who it is.  He smiles when he sees me, and he kisses my softly on the cheek.  He is my dream man, a keeper, the man that every woman dreams of having.  He always has some type of exotic full floral arragment for me every week.  And I love that about him.  He brings me gifts from all over the world.  And tonight, he hands me a long thin box.  I know that it is a bracelet.  He is still standing in the doorway.

I open it, he looks at the box, and she is gorgeous!! At least four karats of tennis bracelet in this box.  My mouth falls open, wow!! He does this to me all the time.  He takes it out, places it around my arist.  And I kiss him softly, then deeply, and I suck his bottom lip lightly.  See, he is turned all  the time when we kiss.  He always gets ready for me.

I look down, so does is.  "Shall we eat?"  And I smile and he follows.  I go into the kitchen and place the flowers in a crystal vase and take them and place them on the dining table.  I kiss him again, he awaits and pulls out my chair.  He is such a gentleman.  Oh!

We have small talk, eat slowly.  And the food is great as always.  I pay good money to eat healthy, and eat wonderful food.  And Chef Collins gets paid a thousand a week to cook for me.  I am not his only client.  I share him with one other person. Plus he caters, he is terriffic.

As we walk out to the patio balcony.  Having a nice chablee. I am ready for him, I am ready to take him right now...and I do.

We have this royal crazy sexual lust for each other.  And every time we get together it is simply explosive!! We enjoy each other fully, and wonderful with all and every touch.  He is a perfect line in a movie.  We make it up against the wall, in my room, in my bed, on the floor, in the bathroom.  He wears me out! And I try to wear him out as well.  We lay, sexy, sweaty, happy, and fullfilled as we want to be. 

We fell asleep............


When I awoke, he was gone.  As he always is.  Adam is married, happily married so he says.  But he sees me at least once and twice a week.  When I look at my accent table, there is a note with a long stem rose.   And a fashion magazine.  In a white box there is a danish of some sort.  He does this all the time, He pleases me, and loves me, strokes all the womanly in me.

I get the note placed on the table. "My dearest Free, How can I not love you. How can I not be so deep into you.  I swear, you are the air I take in.  And each time I am with you all my fantasies come through.  You are so overwhelmingly amazing." Enjoy your day, Hugs and kisses.  Adam......"  I hug the paper to my chest. 

I again looked over, and I grabbed the money off of the table.  I quickly counted it.  It was four thousand dollars.  He pays very well.  Actually more than my fee.  But, he is my number one. Whenever he calls, whenever he wants to see and be with me.  All others have to wait and be placed on back burner. 

I live a free and open life, changed my name to Free when I was twenty-six on paper.  I had people amazed by my name.  No one would beleive me until I showed my passport.  I never showed my ID or license. 

I am free being pampered, admired, adorned, praised and treated like a princess.  I give the best favors when it comes to men.  I make love to them.  Their mind, spirit, heart, body, and their emotions.  I am able to make any man feel loved and wanted in my presence. That is why I have a very selective clientele. I do not do all and every man that approaches.  And I tell my clients not to refer me to any other man.  I also tell them that they are not to tell anyone why they are with me, who I am, and what I do. 

I make it be my goal of satisfaction, to make a man feel needed by me.  It is all about him when I am with him. I bathe him with words.  I massage his ego.  I make love to his body. I praise his skills and intelligence. 

These selective few are thought of.  I send cards, candy, and sweet thoughts by email.  I set up massages, have the best cooked for them, treat them like kings! And that is why I am me, Free.  And free in what I do, no shame in what I do.  But I am a lady, so no one exactly knows what I do.  No one!

There are just six in my stease, and I am thinking of cutting that down.  Sex is very tiring.  And so I rest, coiffe get massages, pedicures, take long baths.  And workout as well.  I have to keep this body in shape. I eat right, take vitamins and herbs.  I am to be me.  And free is always me and always a lady that is free to do what she feels to do. Just be me...... 


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions



My name is Exstacy.  And I would like to enlighten you, all of you who do not know me well.  I am always what you want, need, desrire, and may want to have full-filled.  To be Ann Frank, I know you crave me like the grass and flowers crave the sun.  Who?? Who would not want me? To be able to touch and be me?  I scoff at the fool who tells me other wise!  Am I arrogant? Conceited? Cocky?  Self-centerd?  Not in the least, I am what you say, confident.  And I wear it like a wool and a down coat all year long!

Let me, if I may give you the information, and the exact of who I am. Rapturous delight. An overpowering emotion or exaltation. A state of sudden, intense feeling. The frenzy of poetic inspiration. Mental transport or rapture from the contemplation of divine things.

This is me!  And I love every inch of me, all the glory of me.  Why should I be cocky.  When the facts state it quite clear of who I am and what I be.  I love to arise those feelings of your emotions.  If you have not been here, with me.  At least once, then there is indeed something wrong with you.  And if you have only experienced me, just once. Maybe again there is something wrong with you!  I am the greatest sensation one can have.  I am the epitome of overpowering exaltation. Coming from a higher, deeper, and emotional level.  My emotion is so strong it puts you in a frenzy!

We all want to get caught up at some point in time....We all wanna feel that a heroin addict who is shooting wants the high.....this is me....Ecstacy......born to bring a poetic inspiration, and take your mind on a mental, physical, emotional journey.  I enjoy being me, and I hope you enjoy having me.

My name is Sensual.  And I am all and more than you think Exstacy is. Un-unh.  See what I do is put the P in paradise for you.  I bring some things from all your senses to a reality that you crave to be in.  That you dream about. See....I feel, taste, smell and see.  And that is just a very small part of me.  For if you break every one of those words that I gave you.  Which are all senses.  Each one has a huge meaning.  And not that you don't know, but, a touch. Softly, lovingly, brings chills all over your body.  The smell of the pheremones that come through your nostrils are inticing you to come play with me.  And attracting you like a baby to milk.  Just the mere sight of me and you go mad when you see something beautiful, sexy, adoring, well.... that is me.  Sensual.

So that you have even a better understanding of who I really am.  And my air of confidence is so strong and to the point .  For you see, I take you on no fantasies like Exstacy. I am straight and to the point. You can not be any more in your face than I am.

I am, adjudication, anacreontic, carnal and concupiscent. Physical, seductive, self-indulgent and steamy.  How you need me in your life all the time!  This is not a game, and this is not practice.  I play in major leagues only.  For I have you, got you, feel you, see you, am you.  Want me in you and around you and for you when you see me.  Humph!  How about that?

I am you one desire, I am the light that you see.  And it can come around a corner. A restaurant, a lounge. Who am I?  My name is Seductive. I lure you in, I draw you to me, I bring you to the right place at the right time all the time.  I am one inviting sexy stamina. One that you can not resist.  One that you behold.  One that has you at a stand still where you can not move.  You can not speak. 

I encourage you to come to the throne of deep eroticism.  With me I bring the pleasure of knowing what is in store.  For you are behooved at the mere sight of me.  You dance to the music of sweet appeal.  You never mock me, why?  Because again you are speechless.  You enjoy the entertainment of wonder that I bring.  You are so many things when I appear. Mesmerised, hypnotized, bewithed and captivated.  I am the right rhyme in a tight verse.  There are no flaws when I am on the seen in full bloom.

My nature does cause things to happen and take place.  I am inviting, inveilging, luring, siren you hope me to be and more.  I am alluring, attractive, captivating, charming, desirable, enchanting, enticing, flirtatious, provocative, sexy, voluptuous.  Whooo!  Need I say more?  Why should I say more?  Is there anymore to say?  For when I am in the room, all eys are upon me.  So I beat out all the others.  Do you not think so? Does Exstacy, or even Sensual do that for you? Can they do that for you?  I really do not think so.  I am the bees kness, the cherry to your top. The noise that the can makes when it goes pop!  On a fresh opened can of carbonated soda.  I am more than fizz.  I am an Explosion!

I just rolled over.  And I am here to put a stop to all the games and those who are throwing around what they can do. I am the utmost fantasy.  The supreme, your thoughts and feelings, and what you see can get no hire than me. For I am extremely mouth watering!  I am what you want so bad, what you are teased and tempted with. You see me in magazines, you read me in books. You see me right before your very eyes. I give you the sexy, the ongoing need to try to come follow me. 

Who am I you ask?  Well my sweet, my name is Tantalizing.  And you crave me like a kid craves cake. I lure you into my web like Pandoras box as much as I can.  And ten out of ten, you fiollow me. Your appeal and tendency to come to me and only me out weighs all the others.  I come in so many ways.  I bring you behind closed doors, I have you want to do great and wonderful things as always.  Come feel me, come and rescue the want and need. 


I am, Enticingly in sight, yet often out of reach. Come be with me, come catch me. That is if you can.


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions


Dedicated to people who have been here, who come here, who have and want to be here.  Who have taste, seen, and enjoy what these personas bring......



Ain't it a shame that there are people who are dead, in the grave, six feet under!  And you are still mad at them?  They have more power over the living.  And when their name is mentioned you all vexed out?  Ain't it a shme someone that is dead got power over you....Dam, that is a shame, bastards!

Ain't it  a shame that you let people get to you, move you, turn you into the negative glee they want you to be?  And that there are many times when people have said and done things to you just cause they knew it would get to you.  Damn... you little puppet.  So easy to be caught in a light so dark. 

Ain't it a shame when you see the wage of death on our couuntry.  Men and women dying....and for what?  What does their uniform look like?  What do they look like?  Who are they?  How and when did they enlist?  Over oil?  Naaaaw, that is not what we are fighting,dying, losing mommy and daddy for.  Brothers and sisters.  Aunts and Uncles for.  Couldn't be...Maybe it is the heroin trade that got the Bushes so elated! Ain't it a shame that whoever becomes president will not be able to clean that mess? is really a shame.

Ain't it a shame that man or a woman can work the fuck outta you?  Is that not truly a shame that you are tortured and you will not let go?  Wow! This is truly a sin and a shame.  You laying up with his woman, her man.  And the two of you THINK you are happy together.  Now this is indeed a shame on you.  And is it still a shame how you really love mental, sexual, verbal and physical abuse.  That is not a shame on me, oh my gosh! Shame on you!

It is a huge shame when I see those who envy, lust, beg and floss the many negative things about them.  And you are one of them, a narsisstic fiend you!  It is a shame that others have to put up with your bullshyt in order to love you.  Love is given, you do not have to steal it.  It is nothing you can rob.  So stop trying to get with your girls man.  And you stop trying to get with your friends girl. You pegan! .....this is a shame! 

Ain't it a shame when people prefer to frown then smile?  When it takes less facial muscles to smile than to make an unattractive face.  This is indeed a shame.  Ashame I can not relish, live and breathe in. 

Ain't it ashame that everyone can not be like me or you.  That is the positive things we truly bring to the light?  Ain't it ashame that when you finish reading this.  And I finish writing this.  We will go back to some of this and much more shameful shyt?...............


Just Toy

Written Expressions



I am about to be beautiful! Oh yes I am. Now I'm not aiming
for the type of beauty folks is scared to approach. Nah, that's not
my mission. I sho don't want folk to be leery, petrified. Or even
scared to approach me. I like and love some people. Cause ya
know it's some beautiful and ugly folk out here. Don't nobody
wanna mess wit. I'm sure I could get a whole heap of amen's on

Lord only knows I've met quite a few in my day. Some so ugly
you can't even stand to be around them. Now if I say so myself.
And I do. I have, and can be grotesquely ugly at times.
Grotesque is a word I just learned. I like looking up new words
in the dictionary and using them in my conversations.

Well chile, It's a lot of folk out here that couldn't be beautiful if
they tried. I'm no bigot. And beauty ain't the Bee all ends. But
when I tell you that I'm about to be down right beautiful. I tell you
no lies. Cause my momma sho nough raised me to be honest.
And I try to abide by that nine times out of ten. It's that one out of
ten that messes me up at times. Let me be honest. A whole
lotta times!

But you see I'm having this here new makeover. Chile I can't
wait to get started, I'm so anxious. That I started immediately.
Not now! But right now! This new makeover requires a whole lot
from me. I gotta have no choice to keep up the maintenance on
this. Cause that's how bad I want it. I feel it, and I see it. And
Lord, sometimes I believes I can touch it. That's how real it is.

Now first you see. I start with this ole nasty attitude I have.
That one out of ten I was telling y'all about. That one out of ten
seems to rule over that nine times out of ten. Well see I realized
I gotta treat everybody! Even those ugly folks the way I want to be
treated. Now them beautiful folks. The ones that are all caught
up on that superficial beauty. Well honey let me tell you. Some
of them is more uglier and grotesque then the ones who is
already but hole ugly. Believe me! Y'all saw it.

See what I was doing was. Treating them beautiful ones, the
fake ones. The ones who I thought were beautiful. Better than
the ones I liked, just awright. Then come the ones I loved. Hell,
sometimes I treated them worser than the ones I liked. And the
ones that I loved, well we all treated each other badly. Ain't that
something? Grumpy, agitated, and sometimes mad at the
world. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed every morning.
Which this all goes back to that one out of ten. Well that was my
mission. Cause the folks I liked, loved, the ugly and the
beautiful. Well they at times received some of that bad attitude. I
was wondering why nothing would even come to me good. I
was wishy -washy. Crazy in my thinking.

Until one day this lady on the bus stop just start talkin' to me
said, "Whatever you sew, you reap. If you don't give it or say it
from your heart. Don't give it or say it. Everything comes and
goes around 360 degrees. You gotta be positive to receive good
thangs." Of course I had heard all of this before from my mama.
Heard friends and other people discuss it too. But I really never
believed in it. Was I a fool! Cause as this lady was speaking to
me. My mind went every which a way. I thought about all the
negative and phony vibes I put out. And how the folks who loved
me. Well good thangs was always happening for them. It was a
revelation! What cha'll call it? An uh ahh, epiphany. That's it!
And it was like light come on. And I was instantly removed from
the dark! Chile! What a feeling!

So you see? I'm about to be beautiful. Unique in my own
beauty. Well loved and liked. Putt'n positive energy, love and like
in my life. Not phony! Not sometimey, but the real deal.

I think I am going to like being beautiful.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions
 The D WORD…

A disturbing distinguishing distorted disturbing fate.
Destined to be demonstrated by a divine diversion.

Disturbing, distressing dexterity.
Dispensable. Disposable. Displacement. Releasing
depression and disposing pleasure.

Creating a dissolve dismay and dislike.
A disgruntled disguise. A disillusion of disinterest.
Discipline. Dishonest. To discover a new discernment.
Discouraging isn't it?

Drama. Direct disarray.
Desperate and undecided.
Delivering a derivative deputation. A depot.
Desperate decisions and denial.

Delinquent and demeaning defile deformation.

I decline to declare and decode your decree.
You defecate and dare to denounce my dashing sweetness.

A dissolve I can't deny.

Downright degrading isn't it?
You dazzle in your debauchery way.
You are a dazzling deadbeat, Deadweight destined to decay.

So I choose to decipher and defend your decoy.
Defend and define your damn defiance dear.
Cause you aren't nothing but a delusion.

Copyright 02/2002

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

Rascals2RockStars - Trendy Clothing, Cooler Kids
 Cause I

Baby it's cold outside, and my love is warm and I,
Give you these arms to caress you and I,
Know things will get better cause I,
Believe in you and all you do, cause I,
Know that you are a warrior, a king and I,
Respect those things so deep and true about you and I,
Know that spark that's deep in your heart has not faded out and I,
Know love when I see love and I
Know when love is deep and sincere and I,
Know you love me cause you teach me the way of the world and
Know that when you are down, you'll get back up, cause I,
Have seen your strength and abilities of life and hard work and I,
Know that when there is a good man, a good woman is his
backbone and I,
Will cherish all that we have cause I,
Love having you in my life and I,
Got your back through the good and the bad cause I,
Know that you have had my back so many times and I,
Sense good vibes between us and I,
Love the smiles and banter we share cause I,
Am in the midst of love and it surrounds me with your courage
and I,
Know we'll make it out strong together,
Just you and I

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions



 Some sweet sleep in my sancturary. saturating, sifting sweet songs in
the airwaves. Satisfying souls that soar sedeuctively through the
sunkised sky. Sacraficing safe satisfaction. Sampling my scandal of
scarlet. While I only where a silk satin scarf seductively.

Scraping, screening, searching second-hand, seemingly selective.

Securing safety, seriously. Serving sex on a scale. Sharing sheets
that shine and you try to show shallow sheepish shame. Shocking!

Shoulder to shoulder, shoving, sighing, silence and screams!
Simplicit significant salvation. Soaring simustaneously single-
handed sincerely doing me.

Situation not skeptical sweet slave. Slightly smothering your smell.
Snatching scents of smoke. Your solicitor, socializing softly,
solemnly with solutions. Showing some sophisticated song. Somewhere,
somebody, sounds sparkling from the sex.

The splendid sponsor strung my spine. Specificaly, speeding, slowly,
splendidly, stimulation. Speaking spectacles shamelessly spicy!





You send me swinging, seriously!

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions




I dig deep inside of me. Searching for real truths.
For truths I have a hard time seeing if I had been blinded by the
The light that shines to put all in the forefront.
I have been drowning in my sorrow and pain for too long.
I have been a victim of my own hate.
I have not been a real and genuine person to myself.
I have played along with games and people.
People who looked upon my pride as a prize.
A pride that had been built by
Superficial crimes of those seen.
Predicaments shared and given.
Hopes of unnecessary pity and forgotten passion.
I have warmed to the idea of healing.
Healing me, and the lives of those around me.
It is my goal. It is where I find sanctuary.
It is where I build a life of compassion.
How do I leave the regrets behind?
When they come and confront me?
How do I pursue the dream of a happy existence? Even when all
else fells?
I find the strength to move on,
I find the strength to be strong.
I find in me all of what I need.
I find comfort like never before.
I find me.
I find the real me.
I posses a passion so true.
I find all I need inside of me.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

 Caught in the middle

Look at you, got love for everybody. But yet you seem to be
Poor baby girl. Going from one extreme to the other.
Life isn't as easy as you thought it would be huh?
Someone always seems to rain on your parade huh?
Like you got plans bigger than ST. Louis did, and you have
understanding as big as the open seas.
Yet no one hears you, and they seem to ignore your feelings.
Poor little baby with so much hopes for a brighter existence.
I know, I know. I feel your pain.
On one hand you are confused. Because you have so much love
for the two.
Never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, or step on anyone's
But it makes you hurt so much inside.
You want to be with him, but yet you love her.
Torn between two parents and this mother's earth.
Expressing your feelings through your pen and pad.
Expressing your sorrow through torn feelings and small
But I got news for you, there is something better.
It seems to work it self-out.
That is when you have faith, hope, love, and laughter.
When you are in your perfect comfort zone. The times between
when you think feel and are creative.
Open up your soul, and let no one, not him or her stand in your
Share what you feel. Don't keep it inside. Don't let hate and
bitterness be the demise of your fall.
Love your mama and daddy, I know you do.
But be true to yourself, and don't be blue.
Life is for living, and misery can only be kept company if you keep
So do you, cause everyone else will do themselves.
Cause I hate to see my flesh and blood caught up in the middle
of things that hurt.
You are the light in your life.
You are the light in their eyes. And love always comes shining
Because you just want to grow up and do you.
I know you feel your daddy, or your mama might not understand.
But make them understand.
Show the world what you came to do.
And share all the things that are inside of you.

Dedicated to my daughter
Genesis High
"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

 Soul Food

Come on in, come on in. Woo! I'm sure glad you made it
hear safe. Come on, have a seat. Woo! I'm tired now. I just
finished cooking for everybody. As you can see, you the first one
here. What did I cook? Child I made some good ole cabbage,
hot water corn bread, fried corn, potato salad, crispy fried
chicken, and a roast. And for desert I made a german chocolate
cake from scratch. And the peach cobbler is still in the oven.
And it is still hot in that kitchen.

Wait a minute, let me got pour us a glass of that fresh
lemonade I made. It sure is good. I was sipp'n on a little bit
while I was cook'n. Here you go. Here's a napkin for you. Let
me get a swig of mine. Mmmp, mmph, mmmp! That sure is
some good lemonade if I have to say so myself.

You look sad baby. You look stressed and worn. Like you got
a lot on your mind. You do huh? Yeah, well, it's this lifetime. It's
all in this lifetime. After while we won't see no pain. So what's on
your heart child? You say you just not happy? Stressed about
your husband. Well baby, I ain't no therapist. And I ain't got no
degree in counseling. All I can give you is some solid wisdom.
Advice I have none of that. Cause everybody got an opinion. And
people can give you advice everyday. But it's wisdom that stirs
up your soul. Like when someone telling the truth about thangs.
And it hit home to you. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach.
A smile might even come across your face. Cause you agree wit
what they say'n. Yeah, I have been there.

Life is full of trials and tribulations child. Plenty to last you this
lifetime. But the trick is getting through them. I know people say
it is easier said than done. But it's really not. You can do
whatever you put your mind to. And stress in this life will kill you.
I know, I have been a lot of my family and friends to rest over it.
Oh how they could sit and complain, and worry. Child you can't
keep worrying. If you can't fix it today. Eventually it will get fixed. I
learned a long time ago. You can't walk around her wit your
head hung down low. Make your self-esteem fall at the waist
side. Can't do it. Gotta stay positive. Gotta keep your shoulders
high. Because it all passes. Don't it? Think about all the times
you went through, and how now it's nothing but a memory. You
got through it. And at the time you were going through your trials.
You didn't see no way out. I know, I seen you there. And I been
there. Things got me down for a minute. But I would shake
myself real hard. Put a smile on my face, and get myself busy. It
didn't matter rather or not I thought about it through out the day.
The fact of the matter was. I was gone keep a positive outlook
on it all.

See baby you can't let people take your energy. You can't give
them all your power. When you fuss and fight, and when you
argue. You let people know they have the control. It ain't hard to
walk away. We just make it hard. We want to keep pushing the
pain closer. Instead of just waiting it out. Letting sleeping dogs
lie. And when everything calms down. And the storm is over.
You sit and talk. You hash it out. You work through it.

Patience is a virtue in this lifetime child. And we sometimes
too pig headed to realize that. And know that life is not going to
go our way. We can plan, and set goals. Sometimes a monkey
wrench named life comes in with some circumstances that
throw us off our path. But you pick yourself up. And you hop back
on. Pull and hold it by the reigns. Not too hard where you lose
focus on everything. You gotta learn to separate things in your
life. No that work is work. And you leave it when you leave. And
that the people that are important in your life. You focus on them.
Your friends and family. They don't need to see you sad and
depressed all the time. You know what doesn't feel good to you.
And you know what's not right for you. But you gotta be the one to
put a stop to the things that are not good for you.

Now I'm not saying you gotta be so strong where you can't talk
to nobody. But nobody wants to hear someone play the same
record all the time. Misery loves company, and company will sit
with you if they are miserable too. Can't never get nowhere in life
if you always walking around sad and upset. A smile feels better
than a frown. / And know that when you go through things, the
world don't stop moving on it's axis. The sun don't stop shining.
That's why we keep on moving. That's why we continue to focus
on the good in our lives. No matter what the situation is. And no
matter how bad we think we doing. Some people ain't got what
we have. And that's not to mean that we take glory ion the bad
situations someone else is going through either.

It seem like so much don't it? I know, but child life can be so
sweet. Life can be one big adventure after another. I'm telling
you. Some people can never come up out of the water to see
that. To know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You
can will your mind and body what you want it to do. Even get
healthy, I have seen it.

Now I have found a lot of theses things true. And a wise man
learns from another fools mistakes. You don't have to go
through nothing bad. Especially if you seen a friend or loved one
go through it. And you don't want to burn no bridges. Is best to
walk away as a friend. Then to make enemies. You can keep
friends for a long time if you don't stay up in they faces all the
time. Cause you'll be staying out of they business. And seldom
visits, well they make longer friendships.

I hope all this is feeding your soul. I really do. I know you all
like when I cook and feed your bellies. And the food is good to
you. But good to honest wisdom feeds your soul. And it always
will. Good old wisdom and encouragement keep you on a
positive road. Picks you up, let's you know you can make it. And
when the storm passes. And believe me child, it can't rain
everyday. It's gotta be some sun. And so is the way in our lives.
The sun has to shine.

Look at me, I just been talking. Running my mouth. But it was
a good conversation. Inspiration. Thank you baby for listening.
You always were a good listener. What was that? You are so
sweet. I am glad I could help. I love you too. Now help me set
this table. Everybody will be here in a while. And I want to have
all this soul food waiting for them. I want everybody to be nice
and full.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

 What If?

Right now I ask you to close your mind, yeah I said close your
mind. Close the doors that are slightly open. And have been
busted down in your life. Put away all the beliefs and disbelief's
you have harbored in your soul, mind, heart and the way you live
your life. Close the doors to your politics, bigotry, and your faith
in the unknown. And come follow me in the world of What if?

What if I was a man living in a woman's body trying to get out and
be a true leader of this world?

Would you except me?

What if I could offer you a life of leisure, all that your heart desired
with no complications?

Would you except it?

What if I was the captain of your fate, and I had your life in my
hands. And I asked you to walk away from your loved ones to
reclaim your life?

Would you do it?

What if there were no wars and the world was peaceful. And you
had the power to destroy it and make everyone bow down to

Would you take on the challenge?

What if there was no racism, no hatred, and no prejudice. And
the woman whom you despised of another race stepped to you
in all her glory?

Would you turn her away?

What if this world was filled with love only? Could you follow the
program when your heart is full of hate?

Could you do it?

What if? What if things could change and be the perfect world
you and I desired?

Would you go with the flow?

What if love didn't exist, and hate lived in the lives of everyone.
And you were the only one who knew what love was and you
wanted to share that love with everyone?

Would you take on the challenge to be singled out?

What if you were the only one who had the key to save the world?
But it would leave you broke?

Could you do it?

What if there was no hate, no crime, no abuse, no wars, no
prejudice, and no hunger. And everyone was well off. And you
could do it by the blink of an eye. Or a snap of your finger?

Would you do it? Could you do it?

Then in all these what if, why is it that you won't stand up and
make the change that is needed in your life?

What if you started with you? What if you were the leader you
knew in your heart you could be? What if it all started and began
with only you?

What if?

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions


I dreamed of you last night you came to me in so many ways.
The first dream you came to me speeding on a huge caramel
star. And then you vanished once your feet hit the earth. I looked
for you. Behind the trees, inside of the grass. And behind the
thickets of rose bushes. Whose thorns bleed of mercy. I cried
out in my frustration. I walked the pavement hopelessly lost.
And then I awoke.

My second dream of you. I dreamed of you last night. You came
to me on a chocolate honey dipped moon. People were running,
looking for cover. Not I. Because I knew it was you. And the
closer you got. The further away I became. I tried reaching out to
you. Making my arms reach high for miles and miles. And
when I held my breath. I started to float up towards you. But
when I touched a tip of the moon. You discenergrated into
mid-air. I again was hurt by the pain of the lost that I felt. I kept
replaying over and over in my head what was it this time that I
had done wrong. But I did not find the answer. Then I walked
the cold rocky street with my head hung down low. I awoke, out
of breath.

My third dream.
I dreamed of you last night. You came to me on a vanilla and
strawberry sun oozing succulent sweetness. I could smell your
sweet aroma in the air. You zig zagged all through the sky.
Dancing on top of the sun. Smiling at me. Telling me for the first
time you loved me. I was happy. And I was going to make sure
this time I would draw you loving sweetness close to my bosom.
But you teased me. When you got closer, you would zip right
back up in the air. So far up in the air. So far up that I could
barely see you. But I knew you were there. I hollered and
screamed your name so loudly. That I became hoarse. And you
could no longer hear me. So you started to slip away. Right
back to where the sun sets. And when the sun meets the west. I
flailed my arms whispering past exasperation. Again for the third
time. I was defeated. I fell on the grass that had morning dew. I
sunk my face into it. Hoping that the dew from the grass would
intermingle with my tears and show me some sympathy. I
wallowed in my own self-pity. Frustrated and alone. I still could
not have you in my arms. I awoke from this dream in a huge
sweat. Covered from head to toe. I sat up in the dark. Trying to
figure out this thing called love. And how I have you in my life. I
fell back into a deep sleep. Saying to myself. You can do it. If
only you put your heart, soul, and mind into it.
My fourth and final dream.
I dreamed of you last night. And you floated near the sun, moon,
and stars. On a pink cotton candy coated cloud. You basked in
the beauty of life. I could see it in your face. I could see it in your
body language. You were so very happy. This time you sang.
Sang a song that was so angelic. A song from your spirit and
soul. You moved gracefully on that cloud. You reached out to
me. And said, "Don't try so hard. Think of happy times and great
things will come. Think of joys not sorrows. And I won't be far." I
smiled, and it came from my heart. No tears, no sorrow. No
deep seeded frustration. Because I stopped trying so hard. I
yelled, screamed, or hollered not once. I stood still and thought.
I closed my eyes, and leaned my head backwards. I held up my
hands, and I spread my arms wide. I thought good thoughts.
And I put you there. If I can't have you. Then I'll always have the
sweetest memories you gave me. I'll always view the moon,
stars, sun and clouds as a vision of lovely. A vision of you.
Chocolate honey dipped moons. Vanilla skies, and cherry
moons. If I can't have you in my arms. I'll have you in my

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions

Dedicated to Aaron Jones
Thank you for waking me up!

Change your body now

 And that's The Way It Is

And that's the way it is. Some things will never change.
And so it is. And so it was.
Is and are some of the things that have been told.
Long behold the man in my life.
Strong. Pillar of strength.
Making swift movements. Story once told.
There will never, or not be another lover in my life. No not one to
love me better than he.
Make my toes curl. Sing symphonies.
And that's just the way it is. Some things just never change.
Loving me to regrets and valleys deep.
Oceans wide. And mountain steep.
Having me hum melodies you see.
Counting 1-2-3.
And so it is. And so it was.
Scatting syllables that read never leave.
I was his number one baby. The bee's knees. Holding me tight
all through the night. Keeping my backside warm.
Loving me exclusively. Like sunsets and sunrises. Let this be
the reason.
Riding high on alpine. Moving quickly down Swiss Alps.
And that's just the way it is.
Being and loving and living and breaking in me.
Some things do change.
And so it is. And so it was.
My man left me. Crying the blues.
Hollering clashing notes. Holding bitter notes in between my
He came back over and over to me.
Some things never change. Like the love.
And the expectation so wide so true. So me. So you.
Holding on to past lives. Some true. And some that are very
And so it is. And so it was.
Moved on. Searched on.
Why do things have to change?

Copyright 07/31/01
"Just Toy"
Written Expressions


When I close my eyes, I see the truth.
And when my eyes are closed I see my way.
With my ears I feel and give joy.
And with my mouth, I rationalize my fears.
My mouth cries tears.
And my eyes dispel rumors.
My ears speak truths, and they do not lie.
My heart thinks. And my emotions are blinded by lies.
My mind wanders and doesn't make my decisions.
It is my fist that do all the talking.
And my mouth that does the walking.
My eyes are feelings and love so deep and true.
And my fingertips smell lies and feel it coming.
My soul has replaced my spirit.
And my spirit has only one way to go.
Because my heart cries.
And blood runs down the tops of my thighs.
The salt in my eyes are bitter.
And the hate on my tongue is sweet.
I keep a frown always.
And when I'm said I laugh.
The communication my fingers speak.
Glide through the air.
Like foul that runs free.
And because I converse with my ears and I listen with my eyes.
And I feel with my words.
One thing is for certain on this lifetime.
I run against the breeze.
And I run to the wind.

"Just Toy"
Written Expressions


My mind is made up!!! I have been decieved by mad proportions.  My life is like a spiraling sled to hell.  I seem to always attract the weak and not the strong. I seem to get behooved by the emotional bull that plagues what I would like to call friendship.  I get sucked up, ate up, and then....and then I am left out to dry by lonesome.  My nerves and my third eye do not workl well when I am in these predictiments. And as if I have no intuition of no sorts. 

Abuse is my main factor, my enemy that I have ALLOWED to walk over me trime and time again.  I am nice to the wrong people, and cruel to the wrong people.  I had high hopes for my future, and I feel I have messed that up as well.  I am stuck in my own hell, and if hell is worse than this.....damit I do NOT want to go.

My mother raised me better than this, but instead of listening to her, I listen to my head and do what it tells me to do. 

My mother was raped pregnant with my older brother when she was just two months.  And my brother is a little paranoid because my mother was paranoid throughout her whole pregnancy.  She told me,"Nina, stay away...stay away from people who run to dark places.  Who do dark things.  From areas that are not well lit. And from those who have mysterious lives."  Yet it was those things, those areas, those people that I ran to.  I wanted to see what the dark side was all about.  I wanted to see what the intrest was. 

So I find myself alone tattered and torn between living my life and being curious.  And living my life not knowing, and yet at the same time knowing the damn outcome.

I have ran away from home so many times I can not recount.  Couldn't deal with my mother dying,.  So I acted out.  Put my father through so much torture that when I got into trouble, or was hurt, jailed, beaten, raped, and almost killed laying in a hospital.  I chose not to call.  Yeah, you heard me right!  Raped three times by people I knew.  Beaten and robbed for my pay check by a person I knew that set me up.  I was left to die.  But, I managed to scream for help.  And please believe that it took all the strength in my body to yell like that.

Three broken bones.  One in my wrist, ankle, and three fractured ribs.  Of course a lot of bruises and swelling.  I was in the hospital for three days.  And when I got out , I did not have anywhere to go.  So I slept in the backyard on my fathers porch. He never knew. 

I am now sitting in the cold, waiting for a ride. To at least get me back to my dad.  I have not spoken with him in over six months.  Can you imagine not having any family to speak with? And this was not because of something they did. It is because of a choice that you made.  And this was something I had, and have been living with. 

Can you also imagine if you will. Laying on your back looking up at the ceiling . And wondering where your next move in life is. And the life you have is now being justified by your actions?  How will one ever know what each turn and lifes destiny will be?  I have the answer to it.  I really do.  Control the enviorment.  My decisions, the paths I have taken.  This is what I was going to do.  NOW.  Why have I waited so long?

My mind was clouded by drugs, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of energy, and lack of self-esteem.  This is what my life was and has been based on.  I have now seen some light.  And it is because I am tired of being what I think other people want me to be.  Knowing that I was and am loved and cared for.  That I am beautiful.  And there was no need to let a man, woman,child or whoever come into my life and mold me into theirs. The sacrifice has been made with my mind and body.  I have tortured myself endlessly.  And now I feel grown, grown enough in fact to let my body rest.


"Daddy!!!! I banged on the door hard.  Daddy!!!! Please let me in!  It's Nina!  Please dad....please"  My father ran down the stairs. I could hear him.  He rushed and unlocked the doors.  And I fell into his arms.  He held me tight.  I was so exhausted from this mental and physical highly emotional journey.  That I collapsed.  The journey was now past.  And I had to change the journey for my future.


"Just Toy"

Written Expressions


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