The past is what it is...and that is where it should stay..however the past is a gift, a precious gift that teaches us valuable lessons we should all embrace.  Behold the beauty the memories possess and move forward from them...
I sat alone looking at the ceiling lying in bed. This was a good thing. I had faced my own self with all the many memories of my past. The good, the bad and the ugly. As I traveled down memory lane I smiled, I frowned, I chuckled and I cried. I had even shook my head in disgust. But it was my life my memories and my past.

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why some things and some people come in full circle and why the things that hurt and plague us can come and haunt us. And why do people come back or should I say want to come back after you have given them the boot and want to right the wrongs that they have done. And why some people just cannot let go of you. I have seemed to let some come back and explain themselves and given second chances to explain and right their wrongs. But as hard as some have tried they just don't have it inside of themselves to do better or be better no matter what they have told me.

I get up and open the window as the rain comes pouring down heavy outside. As the coldness creeps in I enjoy it. I get back under my heavy down comforter and snuggle back in bed. Back to staring at the ceiling, I guess at some point in time trying to make sense of my past and why did I do the many things that I have done. I ponder of the many loves lost, stolen, that have walked away. That have used and emotionally taken my heart with them leaving me hanging like a dangling participle. But again these, or some I should say have and want to come back.

As my cell phone sits on my pillow next to me at this late hour it rings. I look over at it and see who is calling. And I let out a sigh, I am good and don't feel like speaking because it is someone from my past. And why is the call so late? Was it an emergency? But my spirit tells me that it is not.

The cold chilled air creeping in, the lightening and thunder catches me off guard for just a brief moment and the pellets of rain that I hear outside comfort me to a certain extent. I am glad that I am alive to experience this moment in my life. That I am open to who I am what I am and what my life has been. The many wonderful experiences I have shared with so many and the experiences that they have shared with me. And then just as I am going back in my life and choosing memories my phone rings again and startles me. I look over at it, and again it is the same caller. There must be some distress. Because two calls back to back...


“Are you busy?”
“If I was, does it matter?”
“I need to talk to you and it is important.”

“As long as it is not about us I am open to it.”

“It is.”
“I am deep in thought. I don't have time to discuss us at this moment.” And I hang up by hitting the end button and shutting the power off. I get up and go to my kitchen and make myself a hot cup of tea. With my hot tea in hand I go into my bathroom and run a hot bath. The rain is sounding good to me. It is prompting me to think more and now I can do so in my deep tub.

As I make bubbles, pouring honey, throwing mint leaves in my water. Fake rose pedals, lemon and orange slices I am ready to relax and let the hot water encumber me. I slip in slowly and I grab my cup and sip the hot liquid slowly. As I lean back I inhale the tea and the lemon scent slowly and I am in a trance. I feel good. I feel as if I am baptizing myself of all that past memories of yester years long gone. That I am now being purified and I am washing all my sins away. I am being renewed all over again. And it does not matter what may come or may go I am still here standing and living life!

My water is now cold, and I go ahead and warm up my water and now quickly bathe. As I finish my tea off and get out of my tub I now dry off and grab my lemon oil and cover my body. Now washing my face, brushing my teeth and deep cleansing my face. I then leave the bathroom back to my room and light candles. Feeling good walking in the nude not yet feeling the chill in the air. And then there is a knock at my door. I look over at my clock, it is after eleven pm. And my heart is beating a bit fast pulse racing, wondering who could be knocking at my door at this time of night. I go and grab my robe on the back of my bathroom door. I quickly put it on and creep to the living room to my front door. I am peeved that my hardwood floors give me away as they creep as I tip toe across. I look through my peephole. And it is the “caller” one from the past that I have let go. That I no longer wanted in my life. One of the many that has wanted and tried to right the wrong and realized that I was indeed a real woman to love and have in ones life. Why? Why was he here? What was the problem? Why could he not walk away and leave me be?

“I know you are in there? I need to talk to you.”

“I am not letting you in my home.. say what you need to behind the door.”

“Are you serious?”
“Very much so.”

“I can't do that.”
“And you were not invited over here. You called and I did not want to talk when you called.”

“I need you.”
“Not really.”
“I'm sorry”

“I know you are.”

“Open the door.”

“I won't”



“I love you.”

“Forgive me.”

“I am tired I am going to bed.” And I walked off from the front door. As he still knocked and talked behind the door. He was now a memory from my past. One that I soon would think about as I have done with all the memories of my past. As I was lying in my bed going over my past. I had been baptized, it was pouring down rain, I had been purged. And I owed no man, any man anything!

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions


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