With so many hurt hearts...who will be the one to step out and help heal?....


I keep hearing this same ole bullshyt…..ova and ova and ova! And I am tired of hearing “Love makes the world go round” Who came up with that anyway? And what was the man who sung that song, ”What the world needs now is love sweet love.”? Someone please tell me that one. Because it is highly impossible for one person to give love to the whole world. I mean I know I am being fecious in when and how I am saying this. But this is truly how I feel about the whole situation. I have tried over and over to give, and do not worry about the receiving end of it. I mean when I get the, “Oh that was so sweet of you, or thank you so much. And, you have no idea of what this means to me.” Yeah, that is beautiful and wonderful and all of that. But let me ask you this. Remember when Oprah gave away all those cars to needy people? And then she started the “Angel Network”. Well, my question to you today is. If she was to lose all those billions of dollars. Would someone , anyone continue to assist her in the lifestyle, or even give her a place to stay if she lost it all? Hmmmm….this is just a thought. And what about the many stars and celebrities that have given their time, their money to help such worthy causes. And have lost everything, and guess what? No one provided NOTHING for them!!! Not a damn thang!

I have even a better one for you. And I had no idea about this situation. I thought that the wife of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King were living on what I would call easy street. Not to say that they were rich or anything. But when I found out that Coretta Scott King was living in a demolition zone. House getting broke into all the time. I was appalled! Here was a woman who walked the walk and help so many people in her lifetime. And here comes Oprah saying let me move you into a condo. What? And this woman was still making trips to Washington DC, she was still campaigning for rights. Not just for people of color, but for everyone. She still went to these elaborate functions, meetings, and sat right next to famous people, politicians and world leaders. She gave love, her life was about love. And what did it get her? Nothing! Why did anyone help her? And why didn’t her own children help her?

Betty Shabazz, lived in a ran down apartment complex. That was burned up by her grandson. Did not Malcolm mean a lot to the community at one point and time. I mean his face, books, his life story as Martin Luther king’s is history! Yet these two ladies lived in poverty. So what does love give you? What does love really do for you? Do you sacrifice your life for nothing? For the journey? For the acceptance? Or for just the knowledge that you did something great and wonderful for others and you have nothing in the end? It has to be something better than this.

What about Jesus who gave his life and died on a cross and was tortured worse than anyone else in that time period. Look at all the many gifts and miracles he had performed. And yet, yet people do not follow him and love the way he loved. He was indeed a giver, he knew he would get nothing back and that is what he expected, nothing. He was here to win and save souls. How many true prophets do we have today that give their lives, money, food, and shelter and truly walk the walk he does?????? Just a question.

My father was a saint. I never knew my mother because she died while I was being birthed into this world. She needed a blood transfusion, and for whatever reason. They could not find her type. And so she bled to death giving me life. My father told me that my mother was a giver and a lover. That she loved animals and people a lot. That she was the one who had opened his eyes to the art of giving. But I am here to tell you. My father gave and gave so much that when he was at his down moments. I can count the many people that came to his rescue and assisted him during his time of need. Most were older people who really didn’t have much. They did bring food, they were all on social security. So the little money that they gave didn’t do too much for my dad. Yeah it helped pay a bill, get a couple of things for the house. But what about the big picture? My dads house was falling apart, needed major repairs. His clothes were used and torn. He wasn’t in bad health. I just saw even with not having much, giving much, no one seemed to give a damn about love and caring, giving. Just wanted to receive.

So of course this put me on a different path. I was a giver and not a taker for a looong time. But I was also so hurt at how people did my dad. It was like some that gave would have the attitude, “Go on and give some money to Mr. Green. You know he have that little girl over there he is raising by his self. And they need food and she need clothes.” See my dad had a great job, making great money. And he was also a mechanic on the side. But it was like he would fix peoples cars for free, and so he was losing instead of coming up and getting ahead. He loved our neighbors and friends very much. And yes I seen that they loved him as well. I am not saying no one did anything for him or us. It just seemed to me to be far and apart. I had some ladies take me shopping. Feed me, help me with things and teach me things my father couldn’t. But when he got laid off form the aircraft company. It seemed to go all downhill from there. I had no money for college. So here it was me trying to help my dad cause I know this man loved me very much. He made away when there was no way at all. The severance pay was not making it, and he just couldn’t seem to find a job that paid as well as the one he had for years. That got us behind on bills. He had to sale his car and get a car that was used. Nothing wrong with that, and seriously cut back on a lot of things.

I worked, I hustled and did whatever I could to help. And when I got up and out of the house. I made sure my father was taken care of the right way, Because all the people who had money, who had what it would take to really help my dad. Well they gave a little here and there. While my dad paid bills, loaned money, bought food, fixed their cars fro free. They had it…. Yes indeed… they could have done more.

So it is now I am on my own. And for years I had been following this same greed. I was a lover, a giver, I loved helping people, being there for them, nurturing them. Doing whatever it took and needed to assist them. I loved hard, matter fact too hard. My friends were of major importance to me. And for a long while I was the same for them. When in need all you have to do is reach out and we all would be there. We had seen some major ups and downs in each others lives. And when it got too hard to bare. There we were filling in the gaps. When one needed gas, food, lodging, a shoulder to cry on, anything. We were there for support.

I had small flings and raucous affairs when I was younger. But then I got to a point where I had long term relationships. And found myself enjoying that then just laying up with whomever. Well it was no longer appeasing to me. So of course in these relationships things were good. I mean we gave, we loved, we nurtured and had each other in any time of need. But, then I had started to see in the last two relationships I had. That I was the one who was giving more of myself and the other person was just receiving what I had to offer. I felt that I was the best girlfriend to have! I supported, supported dreams and goals. I nurtured, I was a good listener and I loved talking! I was open to going to new places and doing new and adventures’ things within reason. I was always faithful and true in my relationships, cheating on a good man was not an option for me. My relationships were with men who were solid and strong , responsible and giving like my dad. But, there in my loving giving relationships did I see the change…..it was like lazy had set in. Lies were being told, excuses were given, feeling that those were reasons. And my trust level had gone down. Not one to stay in rapports or relationships with men or women when I feel that I am being taken advantage of. It doesn’t just happen overnight of course. But it does not go on for long extended periods of time either. No months or years with me. I just had to really get tired. And poof be gone!

I had refused to be taken advantage like my dad was. And that is what I learned and saw in his life. So though I wanted his good values, the beautiful side of him. However, I was aware of the negative and the things I saw people do to him because he loved and cared and wanted to help people. And we did have boarders that stayed with us here and there. And they were treated as family.


What had hurt me the most with my dads giving and loving. And when I say giving. I mean of himself as well. He listened, he showed genuine concern. He offered solutions, resources, money, food, his home. That is love, real love to give. And that is what I admired of him. He was indeed a saint. But one thing I had promised, when I cried myself to sleep at night sometimes was. I would not let anyone take me like that. But I could still be loving and loyal. Kind and understanding and have a heart of compassion.

But what do givers and lovers get in the end? Is it righteous good standing in a social setting? Is it the compliment that one should wait for? The adulation and smiles, pats on the back? “Oh he is a good man. Very giving.” I scoff at this! I hear some men tell me, “I am tired of being the good guy.” So what does that tell you? Or I hear, “Nice guys always finish last.” Is there really any truth in this? Has to be if there are sayings along these lines. And this is what my dad was, what I was. How can you love so hard, and get just a lil bit in return? How? Why? What does this suppose to do for you?

My best friend of twenty years whom I love very much had needed me. House was in foreclosure, and was way behind on car payment and her insurance. I found a few organizations and people to assisted her from losing her home. And then I helped her catch up on her insurance and payments. She was laid off from her job and ran through her savings. I mean I had even sat in a public assistance office so that she could get food stamps and medical coverage up because she suffered from lupus. And she had to have medications. She was so stressed that I found myself being there at her home or she at mines trying to keep her focused. It was an uphill climb for her. It was the last bit of money that I had given her, which was the rest of my savings that I had found out she had never paid on anything towards her car. She had taken the money I had given her and left! Just like that! She had gotten her house sold, telling me that she needed to get rid of it because she could no longer afford it. Her car got repo’d , she sold everything in her house and left without a trace. Changing her number, and not giving as much as a forwarding address. And told me once she had sold her home she would pay me back the money she owed and then some. We never had issues with money ever between us. Never! How could love for your friends turn out like this? Twenty years just gone down the drain! And me feeling hurt more than words can express!

Then there was my last boyfriend who had to come stay with me. It was like bad luck had given him his first priority. It started with a real bad car accident he had gotten into. While I thought that he would be out of commission for maybe a month, two at the most. It was not so. He handled things for awhile, well I paid bills, kept his home cleaned, cooked for him. And when his nurses had to leave for the day. I took up the slack. I dedicated it seemed my life to him. I had spoiled him, he was more of a big baby than ever! He wanted to be up under me, in my home. He was nursed back to health with tons of love from me. He moved back into his place after being out of work for six months. I was drained, tired, happy that he was now back in his home. Still loving him though. He went back to work and worked on many projects, was already in line for a promotion before he got into the car accident. So when he went back to work he was immediately promoted with much fanfare. And I…I was left behind. Cheating, lies, deceit had crept in.

And so now I am alone, saying, “I refuse to love, give, help, care. Because what does it get you? Just a pat on the back? People saying she is a great person? I am broke, Having it hard right now. And no one seems to really be there for me. In fact, all the many people whom I have helped and asked could they help me have told me they were doing bad too. And I knew that they were not at all. This was just on pure facts. So I ask you….do nice guys finish last? Is loving someone so hard worth the journey? Do we give and love because it is the right thing to do and it feels good? Because we good a reward in some after life? Do we ever get a reward here on earth? Or will we just get those fake awards, certificates, statues and smiles only? Do we fake the funk when people say , He/She is a great person.” Is that is? Is this really it? So maybe I am a bitter woman, maybe I am in the fear of knowledge that really, really no one can or has loved me like I have loved them.

Shyyyyyt…….I’m sick of love, and love can kiss my azzzz!






This is dedicated to my people who have been there and done that. And won three T-shirts that are all too small. Keep loving……there has to be something for you at the end of the journey!

“Just Toy”

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