When lies roll in.  On the surface you want it all to be perfectly okay.  You show strength and endurance.  You smile in your defeated moments.  You battle the go in to the go in betweens. You teeter back and forth wondering when will your big break come. 

Toy High

 I knew you were conflicted when I looked into your eyes. Serving two masters. One foot in the grave and one foot out. You are behooved and baffled at the conundrum you now face. Not wanting to disappoint the master in your life that means the world to you.  Yet the master that has been placed before you gives you what you always wanted, yet your heart is half way in and half way out.  What a price to pay with your spiritual enlightenment and your flesh.  They meet at the crossroads in your every waking moment and in your dreams and sleep.  Not wanting to hurt the master that means the most to you.  Yet you suffer.

I see you, the real you so emotional and so fragile.  Your heart is heavy with so much.  As you seem to carry burdens from yesterday over in today.  You cry out, you beg to the master that holds the keys to life and death and embark on a heavenly and impatient journey.  At times not sure of what you really want.  What a heavy burden to bear.  As you beg and pray for money, for strength to move you from your present state.  Because this will make it all better.  As you investigate the lies, the hurt and pain from your past lives you try to figure out your next move.  This is serious, like playing chess.  Yet you know nothing of this game.  Others may think that all is well, but you know the truth.  Betwixt between what lies in the present and unclear if you want to commit or not.  The enemy is not the enemy but is at the same time.  You can no longer prove your loyalty to two masters.  One will get jealous, and the other doesn’t inner stand your plithe. Stubborn in being selfish, not wanting to make a full commitment.  Yet you are not sure if a commitment is what you want.  However back in the day you would have bent over backwards to save such a love.  Aarrghhh the perplexities of this life!

As you sit in a stew of witches brew the cares of this world are not your cares.  You choose not to get so heavily involved in the madness that occurs around you.  It overwhelms you.  Though selfish, empowering, giving, loyal and wanting to be better.  You see life so different than what you have and how you have seen it all before.  Why carry the weight of the world on your shoulders? Why carry unnecessary burdens that conflict with what you believe and feel.  If this world were yours. Ahhh what a difference you would make! Just a touch of love….

Yet I knew you were conflicted by the choices you have made.  I could see it in your eyes.  You are not fooling me, you are happy and unhappy at the same time.  Serving two masters, one that is always patient and loyal.  One that refuses to under, inner stand the turmoil of how you want to live your life.  Yet you put out in the universe that you wanted this, that you wanted someone to give, take care of you.  But you didn’t ask for the angst and pressure of negative attitude.  So precious and valuable time is, life is and so many take it for granted, But not you, you use to.  You walked around in a clouded room filled with smoke.  Coughing trying to see yourself clear.  

As you perpetrate and commence to make many frauds in your life, I see you.  I see the torture that besets you as work through relax, relate and release of the things that are harsh to you and seem easy to other’s that try and work your nerves.  Your mind spins in a tizzy.  I see it in your eyes.  You are indeed conflicted and serving two masters.  One that loves you no matter how long it may take to come to your rescue.  It is always on time.  Do you get jealous that you are not the only one?

I knew you were conflicted as you could hardly look in the mirror.  Because you are indeed ashamed and filled with angst at the two masters that you serve.  The masters that pull and tug at your heart.  Poor baby!

You have awakened to a life, a world that seems not to go your way.  But when has life truly gone your way?  Have you gotten everything you wanted? People will give to you to get what they want.  But the price is always there, a price you wish you didn’t have to pay.  These are the conflicted feelings that you bare.  You cry out Abba Father!  You roam in valleys and mountains that seem so desolate in your mind.  I knew you was conflicted by the many stories that your eyes and heart spillover in the words and actions that beset you.  

Can you accept the serenity that evades you?  Can you become more of the star that is in your destiny? Can you relax and relate in the master that made you?  That gave you life, that came to give it to you more abundantly?  Are you here to convince?  Is life really that hard?  Or are you making it harder upon yourself?  Is it as easy as you think and want it to be?  Life is so filled with woes, ups downs and turnarounds. Yet you have survived the many challenges that have beset you.  

Is it that your heart has been broken?  Is it that you feel with your feelings?  Is it that you give with your emotions?  Is it because of your emotions that you torture yourself so?  Is it that you back, are backed in a corner of mass proportions because your emotions override the mere conditions of your being?  

Where does the time go?  When does it stop?  When does the world stop?  I knew it!  I knew when I saw you.  Yeah, you can’t fool me!  Humph!  At times you really don’t know what you want and need.  If they could just get in your head for one moment, feel you, know you and therefore you would not have to utter one word.  Then things would be so much clearer to those around you.  The master that has you in the one foot out and one foot in would not worry you and hurt you as much as they do.  

I knew you was conflicted, hiding behind a big beautiful smile.  Being in a state of awe, asking wondering, constantly thinking. When does your brain shut down?  As you look back in a bit of your past, you knew this is exactly what you asked. Not under these circumstances.  But where there is joy, there is indeed pain. Fairytales come partially true.  This indeed is one truism in life.  Have you ever know of fame and no hurt and disgrace come with it? Challenges and evil temptations.  Some, thoughts of suicide and self destruction.  He who where’s the crown is in for a lot of pressure. Nothing!  I mean nothing comes without a price.  So what do you do?  Continue to serve two masters or let the negative go?

I knew you was conflicted….your soul was, had been crying out to just do the right thing.  You know you can’t serve two masters.  But you try to, just to keep the peace.  

I knew you was conflicted….

As I leave you, leave you behind.  I know that once things get better.  You indeed will be alright.  No frets, now worries.  Stress and burdens are not good for the soul.  

My soul weeps for you, cries out to you, lurches in your sleep because you want it and don’t want the hold because you are not completely healed from lies, verbs in words and action that stung your flesh and spirit.  What are you to do?  Hurting people is not what you want to do.  So you, you endure.  Because even though the cage door is open, yet you are backed into a corner.  

I knew you was conflicted by the tone in your voice.  By the expressions on your face.  By your body language.  By the way you talk and how you act when your are caught up in perplexities of the heart.  

So what do you do?  What do you tell the little girl inside of you that is literally dying to come out?  How do you comfort her?  How do you soothe her?  Comfort her?  Make her feel at home. Humph….. I knew you was conflicted as you tried over and over to serve two masters.

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions


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