In every heart, in every thought, we wonder and wander.  We look beyond the unknown, and reach for a future unknown.  And some times we have to look at ourselves deeply before we make the journey into the unknown..



I at times can be just as narcissistic as a lot of people narcissistic as most people are. We all want our way and think of ourselves highly than others. Well most do should I say. And for me, I had to learn at times the hard way. It was like when my inner being would tell me something I would ignore it. And when other people gave me the heads up, or some great wisdom. I just had to do it my way. My trust even for myself was a hard pill to swallow.

I was on my way to my sisters house, she lived about twenty minutes away from me. She was a little short, and needed some gas to put in her car to make it to her pay day. I had no problem with that. That is my baby girl, and the two of us are very close. When I got to the major intersection where I normally turn, I saw that there was some road construction up ahead. So I knew if I cut down this side street I would be able to get to her house. However, something told me to just wait, not to go down that street. But I ignored it as I usually do. As soon as I made the turn, I was hit head on by an oncoming car! Smack! And I blacked out.....


I can only remember things here and there. I do recall my family around my bed at times, friends, co-workers crying and talking. Rubbing my hand and kissing my forehead. It felt like I was in a coma, I had to be, because I could hear everyone and not open my eyes. And I couldn't move at all. Which was the most frustrating thing ever!

In my frustration, I was giving up, I was ready to die because I couldn't talk, I couldn't move and talk to the ones I loved dearly. And I was tired of all the machines they had attached to my body. So as I knew that I was taking my last breath, I felt my soul leave my body. And the crazy thing was as soon as I left I was hearing an overwhelming amount of sounds. And some of those sounds and voices were eerie and frightening! The moans, screams, yells, I recognized some voices calling my name. "Carlo! Help us please! Help us!" It was dark, it smelled, and the darkness made the hairs on my arm stand I don't think I can be healed. But I am tired and do not want to fight anymore." And two days later she died. There was Uncle Ben, Tasha, Marion and Mike. They were up. I have never experienced a fear like this. I fought myself not to go there. Then there was light! Warm, strong, healing, beauty and peace. I heard joyous noises, people laughing and talking. And I indeed her my granny calling out for me” Come to me son" She was my best friend on earth! We walked, talked, cooked, ate, laughed, and had the best times ever when she was alive. I heard my best friend Carmen call me.” Carlo, it's okay. Come to us." Carmen had died of lupus six months ago. Too young and beautiful for anyone to die. But my last visit she told me. "Baby, I am all good. I made peace with my family and friends. Even those who I hated and hated me. I had a long talk with God. I am giving up, not because all happy to see me. And I was happy to see them.

But those voices, man those screeches! The pain and agony of those who I knew were not in the right place of light and joy. Maggie, Sara, Timothy, Terrence. They yelled at me! And their voices had become monstrous. I had begun to cry.

My grandmother sat with me and she said this to me.” Baby, life is short. I thank God I was able to live a long life and fruitful. Not all of us are able to do that. I have seen some of my great grand’s. I have loved, nurtured, past down wisdom. And spread as much joy and good tidings on my journey. Your journey is not over as of yet."

"So am I in heaven?"

"No my son you are not. This is real. Very real. But no you are not there. There is much for you to do. You have a lot of influence over a lot of people on earth. But you have to listen to your soul, your spirit. this will be your testimony, this is a test of your faith, your mind and body. You can will yourself back to health. This coma you have been in for the last month has taken a lot from you. You have some great people in your life whom have salvaged a great deal of materialistic things for you. But your soul they can not save. You have to do that. You must make what is wrong right. You must know what is important. Those screams you hear, they will be yours."

And I cried, and I cried like I have never cried before. And my granny held me in her arms. My head then laid in her lap, and she stroked my face and sung to me. I went to sleep.

I had went into cardiac arrest! I was fading fast. My sister was in the room sitting in the chair she always does reading a magazine, TV on, barely watching. When that monitor produced my pressure was getting low as well as my heartbeat. The nurse rushed in along with the doctors. They made my sister leave who was crying. "Please don't let him die!"

They recessitated me! Yes! And as soon as they did, my eyes opened. My sister was there. Standing there. "Nurse! Nurse! His eyes are open! The nurse rushed in. I was trying to talk. "Hold on honey. Hold on. Let me have the doctor come in. We gotta remove those tubes. Be patient." I smiled at my sister, she held my hand, tears fell from my eyes and hers as well. I squeezed her hand tightly. I winked my eye, and she smiled real hard. When her tears fell on my face. That was a feeling I had cherished. It was the same tear my granny had dropped on my forehead when she was alive. I closed my eyes and relished that moment. It would be one I would never forget as long as I was alive.

When the doctor came in and had looked over my chart and discussed my vitals with my nurse. Tubes and machines were removed from my body. I was in perfect health. They still kept the heart monitor attached to my index finger. I tried to talk, but my mouth was dry, and my throat was sore. The nurse had told me to take my time and speak. And that my throat would be sore for awhile. That I should speak slowly and in whispers.

"Hey pretty lady. Wipe those tears I whispered. No more crying. I saw granny. And all is well. I know you handled everything with my house. Thank you babe. I do not know how much longer I will be here. But the short time I am. Please know I will make use of it all."


I was released from the hospital after being there another week. I had to go to therapy. I knew how to walk, but I hadn't in a month. I knew how to talk, but they gave me speech classes. I was so happy to be alive! And I visited those who were in comas and prayed for them. I knew my prayers were going to be answered. And those whom I prayed for had responded to me. And that had made my heart fill with unspeakable joy.

My sister had gave up her apartment and moved into my house. She had gotten help with bills and the mortgage. Which I was glad that it was only one month she had to do this. She had contacted my job. And they had promised her that my job would still be there. I was grateful. But there was a lot on my plate.

My second death was one of flesh. I had to die of so many bad habits I had accumulated over the years. And I was open and willing to change that in my life. I told my sister that there was plenty of room here in my home and for her to sale all of her furniture from her old place. Go on a vacation, and I would help her with the rest. I wanted her to do one of those spa retreats and take my mom with her. I know I didn't speak of my mom very much. And I love my mother and father dearly. It was just that my sister and I had this incredible bond. We had done and seen things together we will take to our grave. She has been there through thick and thin, and the same for me with her.

My sister was raped, and I was the one who kept it all a secret. Paid for her going to the doctor and therapy. But I will stop there. I had lost so much in my life for being selfish and not listening and having patience. I had kicked so many people out of my life. I was cruel to some. I had begun to shun some that really needed me. And some whom I really needed. My priorities were backwards. I didn't want to have another drink, or do any more drugs which had me in the proximity of those who had my life in jeopardy. I changed my outlook on this life this time. I grew up very quick.

A woman named Sunny who had been there, had patience, and told me I was her husband was there for me. But I abused her in so many ways. Used her, yelled at her, and at times I had hit her. My family knew none of this. And through it all she would take it. Telling me," This is not you at all. I will not suffer the abuse. But I do love you. When you grow up and realize that I am the one for you and there is no other I will come back. Once I see that you have changed. And trust me I will know" Those words were always in my head. Always.

Two months had gone by in my recovery. My second death to the flesh. No women, drugs, alcohol. Making peace, changing. I called Sunny, she knew I had gotten out of the hospital. But didn't make any attempts to get in contact me.


"May I come and see you? Where ever it is you would like to meet?"

"Meet me at Central Park."

"I will be there. What time? And where in the park?"

"2 p.m. by the lake. Our spot."

I saw Sunny. She was glowing, had that light around her. I was nervous, my stomach doing loops I could not control. And I was sweating profusely. And it was not even hot. I laughed at this, at myself. She smiled at me, and we hugged and held each other tightly for a long time it seemed. No words still spoken. I reached in my pocket and pulled out that ring she had seen a year ago. I placed it on her finger. She shook her head yes. And that was all I needed.

To die two times in your life is nothing I wish on anyone. But some of us need to wake up and smell the coffee. Hear the pain, the yells, the hurt. The agony of others. This is deep, and some of you need to die in the flesh. I wish this on no one what I have been through. But it is my lesson, my lesson in death and in life I share with you. To die in the flesh is the hardest thing one can do. But when you leave this earth, no coming back like I did. I was blessed and fortunate.

I can not tell you how important this is to me. To stress to you my experience. Love the ones who deserve to be loved, make peace, have patience, be loyal. Understand. Listen, and pay close attention to what your soul speaks to you. Take no pain, and give no pain.



This is dedicated to my loyal readers. Not to say that you all are not grateful. But I have to die again to my flesh. And I thank you for reading, your comments, your love , your understanding. So here is my list.


First let me give a dedication to my family. I have tears in my eyes as I type this, because when you write. You feel, you see, well at least I do. I am passionate about what I do. And yes it is my therapy!

My mother-Mommie words cannot express the love you have given me. And the love I have for you. Thank you.

My sister Shonnie- I love you soooo much hun. And You are a light. See that, know that, feel that and be that. When you hurt I hurt. You are my shining star!

Amber & Genesis!- My daughters. God is so gracious to have blessed me with your beauty and love. Thank you for loving your mother sooo much for she loves you sooo much!

DADDY- My heart pours for you. Love, kindness, and empathy. I love you daddy! I love you!

Beautiful-Because you are. Look harder and you will be surprised at the other beauty you posses. Thank you for reading!~

White Tiger- I feel your pain at times. You stay strong thank you for reading

Darlene-You make it do what it do. You try so hard. Thank you for reading

Love Is Thicker Than Lies-I am glad that your eyes are open. Thank you for reading

Sunshine- I admire your strength. You have so much to give. Thank you for reading.

Aires- do what feels right to you and puts your soul at ease. Thank you fro reading

Judes-They all may not understand you. But your light will shine because you always try hard. Thank you for reading.

Just Toy

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