So much going on in the world and oh how we tend to forget the one thing that matters.  Family, some of us are blessed beyond measure to have supportive and loving family members.  And for those pf us who do and take that for granted.  I ask that you look into your heart and seek the truth..
I was sitting down agitated as hell! Hot tears were running down my face and as I was sitting my leg was jumping up and down from the angst that I was embodying on the inside. I could not stop my leg from moving up and down. I was more angry than anything. I hated, no loathed sitting in the hospital especially the emergency room! I hated the smell of the ill people and all of the germs that seemed to swim and float in the air. Listening to crying babies and unruly children that parents seemed to have no control over and were consistently trying to make them behave. The smells of people that have not bathed!! Arrrgggh!! And this was what I call an upper class top of the line echelon hospital. Leave it to my mother to always want to have the best of the best. Which I can understand. But I am beginning to think she loves it up here just because they treat her like she is some celebrity or movie star! I am so over this and her!

I made sure that I sat in as much of a secluded place in the emergency room as possible. Here it was 3:30 in the morning and my mother had awaken me out of my sleep. I was also beginning to think she had something against me getting rest. Now my mother has had some recent health scares that had the family up in arms. I will admit that. But as soon as she felt anything funny in regards to her body she wanted to immediately be taken to emergency instead of just calling her doctor and making an appointment. And if and when she did make an appointment I was taking her to all the many doctors she had set appointments with. I was really beginning to think my mother was a hypochondriac! Not only did she feel she was going to be ill, but deathly ill and die at any moment. Imagine the many calls that I received from my mother complaining of allll her many ailments. Oh how I tire of this non-sense.

I had went to the restroom, and when I saw my face in the mirror my eyes were puffy and red. I turned the cold water on and placed my hands under the cold water and splashed some water on my face. I held my hands over my face. I wanted to cry and felt the burning sensation in my eyes. I placed my hands back under the water again and splashed more cold water on my face. I loathed looking worked over. I took great care of my skin and body as much as I could. As I looked at my face I was seeing break outs on my face. Damn! I needed to get Proactive. My eyebrows needed to be arched, for me I was looking a hot mess. And this was not me at all. If I didn't have a personal assistant and my own business there would be no way that I would have the time or could take off from work and run my mother around as if I were her personal assistant. And this is what led me to believe the reason why she so took advantage of me. My mother had the service of being picked up and being taken to her doctors appointments. She knew this but gave me every excuse of why she did not want to use the service. I was feeling used by my own mother!

When speaking to my dad about the situation he understood my frustration. But he wanted me to also understand that we almost lost her. And that I needed to understand what my mother was feeling. My mother had beat cancer. With the doctor telling her that she was in stage three. My mother prayed and went to the best cancer treatment centers and willed herself healthier. The last and recent scare was my mother had slipped and fell in a store breaking her leg. Now it doesn't sound bad at all. But an infection had managed to creep in her body and the doctors couldn't seem to find out what the cause was or what it was. So therefore her body was rejecting all of the antibiotics. She dehydrated, had a seizure, a mild stroke and then went into a coma for three days! Her blood pressure sky rocketed and the doctors told us it did not look good. They had ran every test they could on her. And nothing came back of what was wrong. Worry and more worry. But of course she pulled through in two weeks. And we were all relieved. So with keeping that in mind I was trying to be as patient as I could. But it was hard because my mother was calling me at least three times a day. She wanted to talk for an hour. No matter that I told her I had clients on the phone or business to take care of. That was of no importance to her. And that was when I felt she was being selfish on her end. And these early morning late night calls twice a week with me having to rush her to emergency room was getting way out of hand! My father was well capable of driving her but it seemed she was insistent in having me take her!

I left the bathroom and went up to the hospital cafeteria and got myself some hot tea. When I walked back to the waiting room I had went back to my secluded spot. I was so so so tired. My days normally start at six am. I get up and go work out in my gym. I shower, and I get dressed for the day. As I am having a small breakfast after my workout I am slowly giving myself some breathing room before I start work. My assistant comes in and starts at nine. But I get it going in about eight-thirty in the am. The phone calls from my mother usually starts in about nine thirty with complaining. My business lines are ringing and she knows this because she hears my phone ringing. Yet she continues with her ongoing banter. I ask my dad many times if he could speak with her in regards to this. He says he has but he cannot control my mother. I have heard him say a few times, “Glenda, come on honey you know that girl can't sit and talk to you throughout her day she has a business to run.” And my mother will then get off of the phone.

As I was trying to calm my emotions and take a catnap with it now being four in the morning. A lady had come and sat next to me. She had on for me too many clothes. It wasn't that cold. I was feeling a bit of an angst coming on because there were plenty of seats that she could have sat in instead of sitting by me in the secluded area of the waiting room.

“Good morning” I looked over at her.

“Good morning” I responded in a dry tone.

“I do hope they call me soon. I hate coming to the emergency room.” I smirked. She had no idea.

“So do I.” She nodded her head.

“So why are you here?”

“My mother.” She placed her hand on my arm.

“Oh honey I hope she is okay.” I rolled my eyes up towards the ceiling.

“Oh she is fine trust me. This is normal now for her. I get called and awakened out of my sleep a minimum of two times a week with something she feel is wrong with her. She feels as if she is going to die.” I said with an agitation in my voice. The lady nodded her head.

“Well I can't too much say anything to that. I feel the same way sometimes. But for me I am very ill.”

“Hmmm...well I feel my mother just needs and wants the attention. And she is trying to make my life miserable in the process.” There was a silence between us for awhile and then she spoke.

“Is your mother ill? Let me rephrase the question. Has she been ill recently?” I took a deep breath.

“She had stage three cancer and beat it. She has been in remission now for three years. Last year, or the ending of last year she almost died with an infection that the doctors could not diagnose that almost led again to her dying.” She nodded her head.

“So she is just scared.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I no longer have family in my life that looks out for me. I have to care for myself along with a nurse that comes to my house daily and cook for me. Clean my house, take me to my doctors appointments. You know things like that.” I looked over at her. I mean really looked at her. She was frail now to me. Cheeks sunken, her eyes seemed as if they were bulging from her sockets. And she was shaking here and there from being cold. That is why she had all the extra clothes on.

“No family at all?” I asked.

“Well I do have family they are just not living in the same state. And they have come to visit and take care of me. But I cannot expect them to leave and move here.”

“So why not move where they are?” The more I looked at this lady I could see more and more she was sick. Very sick. And because she was so frail, it was hard to figure out her age and how old she could be. Was she around my age or much older I didn't know.

“Well I would but these doctors have been dealing with me and I with them for some while now. And they know my health history. I don't want to give that up for a new set of doctors. Plus I love my doctors here and I feel they really have a great bed side manner.”

“I can understand.”

“Good. I really have no idea of how much longer I have.” I looked at her in the eyes and a knot formed in my throat. I didn't want to cry. But her sitting next to me telling me she would soon die I felt a certain type of way about that.

“So if you don't mind me asking...maybe I am being too forward or nosy even. What is it that you have?” I could tell it was taking a toll on her. He body seemed to tense up.

“I have many things wrong with me. I'd rather not go into all of it. Just know that at one time I was a runway model with what I thought was the best job to have. And I had a great life ahead of me. She shook her head and looked at the floor. I contracted a very rare blood disease which there is no cure for after getting a blood transfusion.” I swallowed hard. I tried to see her beauty that she once had. But all I saw was her pale complexion and frail body. I didn't doubt that she had been a model. She was indeed tall. Taller than me in fact.

“I don't know what to say.” I saw a tear fall from her right eye.

“All I am saying is that your mother has escaped death twice. And is still here. Have you talked to her and told her how you feel?”

“No because I don't want to hurt her feelings. It isn't that I don't want to be there for her. That is not the case. My father is well bodied and able to take her to the hospital, her doctors appointments. And she can even call a service to take her to the hospital. But the many calls throughout the day of her complaints. And I have a business that I have to run. It is just me and my assistant. And trust me it is overwhelming. There are many of days and weekends where I have to work alone. Making sure everything is trump tight. The doctors told my mother over and over that she has nothing to worry about. But that doesn't seem to sink in. My father has asked my mother not to worry me so much but she continues to do so.” This stranger placed her frail hand on top of mine. And what strength she did have she mustered up to hold my hand as tight as she could.

“Talk to her. Let her know how you feel but do it with love. I lost my mother three years ago and wish everyday that I could talk to her and have her by my side. And my father, well my father is a lost cause because no one knows where he is at. My brother and sister have been trying desperately to get me to move back and live with them. But I don't want their pity and them hovering over me as if they are waiting for me to take my last breath. I do have friends that love me. And honestly that is and isn't enough at times. Some days are good and some days are bad. Like tonight, I am in such pain that they will give me a shot for the pain and I will be relieved for a few days and take the meds that may or may not be helping...she took a deep breath. Talk to you mom and be grateful you have her. Because when she dies the feelings that you are having of all this frustration will come back and haunt you.” And she got up and walked away.

I thought hard, and I went back into the restroom and sat on the toilet in an empty stall and cried and cried. I said a small prayer for the stranger, myself and my mother.

When my mother came out into the waiting area she smiled and then winked her eye. I had released all the anger and agitation I had for her.

“Mom I love you sooo much I really do. But we need to get some things straight. First I am so happy that you are still here with me. And I am so happy that you beat death twice. But...” My mother looked deeply into my eyes and worry covered her face.

“What's the matter doll?”
“I am stressed out right now. I can't get up in the middle of the morning and take you to the hospital unless it is a complete emergency. I know you get scared when things happen and you panic. But your doctors say that you are healthy and you are not embracing that. I need you and daddy needs you to embrace that. Dad is there, I don't know why you don't ask him to go with you or take you to the hospital or doctor. I I I can't run my business if I talk to you all throughout the day. I am not getting proper sleep and I can't take you to doctors appointments every other day. I love you very much. I don't want you to be mad at me. But you are healthy and of something were to really happen to you you already know along with daddy we will be there right by your side every step of the way like we always have been. But.... but these health scares are all in your head mommy.” And I broke down crying. My mother instantly hugged me and started rubbing my back.

“Ohhh doll....I guess I have been quite selfish and taking you and your father through it. I just didn't realize how much. She took a deep breath. I just get so scared at times. And...listen. I will do better. And you are right everything is fine. She took another deep breath. I just wasn't thinking of your sanity or your dads. She kissed me on the forehead. I tell you what tomorrow I will come over, or should I say later, she laughed. And I will help you. Just tell me what I need to do and we can get you back on course. How does that sound?” She smiled through her tears wiping mine and hers. I smiled back.

“That would be great!”

“Good! So let's stop all this crying and you can take me to your house and I will get in a little nap and we can get to work!” We hugged tightly again and then walked out of the emergency room. I kept looking around for the lady that had talked to me. But she was nowhere in sight.

Three weeks later after my mothers last emergency visit she was in great spirits along with me and my dad. Just to get out of the house a couple of times a week my mom came over to my home office and would help me take phone calls, place orders and run errands for me. She was feeling better about herself and her health. She had even started to go to counseling for what she called an addiction to doctors. I laugh at this.

As I had turned on my laptop and surfed the internet I had came across an article with a picture of a beautiful woman all made up in a glamorous photo. The headline read, “Super Runway Model Found Dead!” I was drawn to it and began to read the article. As I scanned through the photos I realized it was her! It was the stranger who now had a name! Carmella Washington from Chicago! I had seen her photos many times in dozens of fashion magazines! And she had made a guest appearance on Americas Next Top Model. Carmella boasted a career as Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks! And in seeing her in person I would have never guessed that it was her. She looked nothing of her former self at all.

Carmella was found in her apartment by her nurse who of course had a key to let herself in and out of her home. The coroner stated that she had been dead for three hours already when her nurse found her. The nurse said that she was in bed with gospel music playing in the background on rotation from her laptop. And that her Bible was laying beside her. The nurse said that she had a smile on her face and looked as if she was in peace. When I finished reading the article I broke down and cried. I cried until my eyes were puffy and my nose ran profusely. I wept for Carmella even though I knew she had made peace with herself. And I cried because she had told me to make peace with my mother and talk to her. I was glad about that because we were doing much better now.

The article also stated that Carmella had won her lawsuit against the hospital that had given her the tainted blood transfusion and that most of the proceeds were going to a charity and the rest were to be split between her brother and sister living in Chicago. My heart was warmed.

Three days later there was a knock on my door. It was a delivery from Fed-X which wasn't abnormal. I signed for it and then opened the envelope. There were two envelopes inside. The one I had picked to open first was a letter.

Dear Daniel,

I am sure when you get this letter I will have already been gone from this earth. And I am sure that you are also wondering how did I get your address and your name. I had actually saw your mother in the emergency room. And she was being released, and as she was being released I over heard her conversation with one of the nurses saying how much she loved her daughter and that you were outside waiting for her. I interrupted and her and described you to her and she said you were her daughter. I told her how beautiful and loving of a daughter you were and that we were speaking to one another in the waiting room. I then asked her your name and address telling her that you had made me feel better and uplifted my spirits. I asked for your address from her so that I could send you some flowers and she gave it to me and told me all about your design business. She gave me your card. I laugh at this because how ironic I was a model and you are in the deign and fashion business! Funny right? Well anyways, inside of the bigger envelope is old pics of me in my modeling days. So you can see what I looked like before I got ill. Maybe you might recognize me. Lol

I do hope that you and your mother are in a better place because from what I seen and got from her she is an amazing woman to have gone through so much and have such a great outlook on life still. I did a little research on you and I love your designs lady! Wow! You have talent! I would have loved to walk the runway in some of your designs. So enclosed in the other envelope (that is if you haven't opened this one first) is a check for $30,000 I want you to invest in your business. And I made some phone calls to some prominent people who's numbers I have left with you and should be calling you soon! You deserve the big time! I have prayed for you and wish you much success! God bless you! Oh and don't worry about me, my body is at ease now and I am at peace!



I was in major tears! I could not believe what I had just read. And I was glad that I had opened the letter first. I opened the other envelope and it had two pics of Carmella one color 8X10 and a black and white 8X10. On the black and white picture she signed it and it said, “Stay true to yourself and your dreams and appreciate the ones you love, Carmella xoxo”

Dedicated to my Mother & Father who are still with me in 2013..I love you both so much and cherish every moment that I have had with you.  And every memory that is given by your love, words and deeds! You are so beautiful and wonderful!


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

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