When the lies, hurt an pain all come together.  When self-esteem has come and gone.  When you feel stuck and you feel you can't go on.  When love is disguised and your eyes become open.  When you lose, and don't realize what you have until it's gone!

He looked around, and when he did.  He saw that he had been running around in circles and squares.  He was doing it again!  He was in the middle of his own madness.  All this was his fault.  As he kept taking doses and doses.  An OD of some sick side show that amazes you.  This is where he was.  Wanting love, needed love.  But knew only half of what was love.  He questioned his destiny man of days.  He questioned the steps, miles, jobs, hustles, relationships and decisions.  How????

Perplexed as he stared at the wall.  It was quiet, no noise.  That was calming yet creepy.  The French shutters were open, and the sun was setting so beautiful as it shone inside the house.  Yet he could not, did not notice it.  He could hear his own breathing and his pulse ringing in his ears. Thumping, on it’s own beat.  The coffee permeated throughout the house.  He was craving coffee earlier.  But now there was no rush to make a cup.  He could see himself in the shadows of his flat screen TV.  The quiet, the scary calm, the non-movement of the house of it settling.  This was where he was at.

Monte had lost a lot in his life.  Things weighed heavy on his mind.  His parents were literally dying in his face.  His mother was suffering from Alzheimer's.  She always asked where was her pocket book. How much money did she have, and she would pick up a quarter and ask what it was.  I must admit it was hectic and hell.  Wearing himself out going to see his parents three to four times a week. Running to the doctors for both of them.  Making sure they kept their in dependency.  Making sure a nurse came by everyday.  That they were bathed, house was cleaned, and they ate throughout the day.  To see his dad mess on himself was heart wrenching.   

There was his two daughters who barely knew him and were daddy’s girls at one time.  It was like four years after his first marriage,  He saw less and less of his girls that meant the world to him. This was another hard thorn in his side, heart, head, emotions and mental being.  This saddened him and he cried when he was alone.  Silent tears.  He hated his ex-wife that he prayed she would die everyday.  

He was behind on child support.  Because he had been hustling for the past year.  He loaned himself out as a independent IT contractor.  Which normally paid great money.  But it wasn’t dependable all the time money.  He may have gotten a contract or new client three times a week.  But he loved money so it was never enough.  Then there were times that he was working night and day.  He was able to do some of his IT job from home.  He owned a lawn care service and would cut grass on the weekends.  He had a few clients, some new clients always.  So this was a good side hustle for him that generated good money.  He owned and hauled his own push mow and a lawn mow that he sat on to be lazy.  But he did a great job and you could see the pride in his work when he was done.  

Being homeless, living with a girlfriend, his sister.  He had been evicted from his apartment four years ago and still had not gotten his own place until recently.  It was because of her he felt now he was ready to be a real man.  The man he knew he was.  The man that his wife took advantage of.  He was a provider. And that was an issue letting her down many of times!  Rather that was in his actions or words.  He at times said the most venom stung words.  But he loved her so deeply.  He always was speaking to her loudly going in for no reason.  He found fault and complained a lot.  He was confused, he would say one thing.  When he got what he wanted from her.  He would say it was too much!  He no longer wanted it, needed it.  He wanted to keep her in a conundrum.  He hated her weight, she lost weight. Now she was too thin.  She looked good, but she didn’t look good.  Her food, clothes, make-up, cleaning skills, the way she spoke, she didn’t have enough sex with him,  He pushed and pushed wanting it everyday.  Not giving her a chance to say no  She said no, he fell out, slammed doors, pulled a temper tantrum. He wondered why oh why did he treat her this way.  He gave gifts, took her out all the time as well as shopping.  

He was in debt, he was in deep debt.  He asked her to open up bills in her name that he had defaulted on.  Messing up her credit.  She was left holding the bag.  She paid them off.  This made him upset and let down with himself.  He had wrecked her car.  He had also had a wreck in his car.  All because he was being stubborn.  She caught him more than several times talking, flirting taking other women out.  But he really loved so much about her.  But he fought, he hated that he loved her and felt his nose was wide open for her. The best girlfriend, lover, kisser, cook, intelligent, flamboyant glamorous woman he had ever had!  Yet he fukd her over!

He had a huge fight with his brother,  This was a huge furniture type fist fight! He felt bad that he and his brother had gotten into it like this.  He had made some extremely bad decisions that effected himself along with her and the household.  Arguing with her that he knew what he was doing.  He knew she had his back.  Yet he has lost so much money behind his stupid decisions.  She was there to bail him out. Fed him when he was hungry.  Brought groceries, cooked his meals, cleaned the house up all the time.  She ran baths for him, gave him massages and rubbed his feet.  He was very proud of all the talents and smarts she had.  He thought she was absolutely beautiful! But yet he treated her like shyt!

He had lost out on a couple of business bids because he was too trusting or he was to mouthy and spoke at the wrong time. His charm, his flair to capture people especially women had led him down a spiral tarnished and raggedy yellow brick road. Here he sat, ignoring the beauty of the day.  Sitting and seeing his image on his TV.  Living in the house he got because she had his back, because she helped him.  Because she liked this house.  He wanted her to have whatever her heart desired.  

It seemed as if things were going south instead of north.  She stuck behind him and with him when he had nothing.  She had nothing.  He supported her, she supported him.  Once she got on her feet, she was able to make a lot of things happen.  She drove over ten hours to get her furniture and things she had purchased for her home she had a year ago. She was struggling to pay her storage fees and cell phone bill for two years being she was out of work.  But he helped her pay it.  He liked her, then he fell in love with her.  He was so caught up with her.  His infatuation with her deep.  She even shipped her belongings so that they could make a house a home.  She did that, he had nothing.  Why?  Because he had lost it all.  Gave it all away! Yet he owed her his life basically.  She took on all his baggage.  She could no longer take it.  Though he was charming and had no problems attracting women or making new acquaintances.  She was the total opposite of him.  You would of thought that she was a pot of honey.  Men and women were drawn to her.   He was a bit hesitant at times in getting involved and close to her.  But just like others he was lured by her vivaciousness, beauty and talents.  He followed her a few times.

Three years had gone and come by so fast.  Things were getting worse for him.  She was tired, he could see that she was moving away, pulling away.  She stayed gone most of the time.  Instead of working out at home, she worked out at the gym at her job.  He knew she did because he went there a couple of times thinking she would not be there.  He was wrong.  He followed her and checked to see if she was at certain places, she was.  She was faithful to him.  She worked overtime, she started a new business.  Things were on the up and up for her.  She was moving on with her life.   He noticed that she no longer cared what his day was like, his issues and problems.  Sex was a chore for her.  He knew she only had sex to keep him quiet.  To keep him from starting another argument.   He picked and jabbed and picked and jabbed.  Now she was gone, no forwarding address, blocked him from her work emails, personal and business emails.  Social media accounts and her cell phone.  She had had it.  Now she was suing him for the debt he had placed her in.  It was close to three thousand dollars!  

The only furniture he had was what he was sitting on and the 60’ flat screen TV he had bought.  The cable and the internet were off because it was in her name.  Dishes, beds, towels, artwork and more were all gone.  He had nothing, was nothing.  She was gone.  

She told him, “If you have so many complaints of what I don’t do.  How I act and speak why are you making yourself miserable and staying with me?  I let you yell at me, throw me under a bus.  You accuse me of lying and cheating.  And yet you have been caught many times.  Do you think I need this?  I could have left you long ago and been with a man who offered more.”  That was all he could hear back to back over and over in his head.

The relationships in his life,,,business, family, personal and friends were  in the bottom of the barrel with the sticky shyt, his life, his angst, his story, his drama, his choices. How??  Why?? What?? And where did all of this come from and why did he let this happen??

As he sat there, the sun setting with its yellows, reds, magenta's and browns that scarred the sky.  The warmth and the beauty of the day.  As the patio doors were slightly open a cool yet warm breeze lulled its way inside the house, the family room.  The room he and she made love in the first night they moved in.  Things were good that day. He had made her happy!! He was happy! He had surprised her by picking her up from work.  When she had gotten in the car he had a huge bouquet of wildflowers sitting in the passenger seat.     She loved flowers.  She picked them up, a huge smile on her face that warmed his heart.  She never ever asked for much, just the small things.  She asked him for little things, for him to change some of his behaviors in how he treated her.  That was all she asked. He couldn’t do that no matter how many times she asked him over and over and over and over again.  So he did things, he did things for her to try, to try and make it better.  To cover up the hurt he had caused her.  Bury it somehow with materialistic gifts.  However, he saw.  He saw how sometimes when he did things for her and gave her gifts the gleam in her eyes of gratitude had changed.  It was like a man that abused his wife.  The guilt and shame of what he had done and so he would shower her with gifts and apologies.  Hoping that it would make everything better.  But it never did, it only perpetuated the abuse. He was just like those abusers.  He would drag her, throw her under the bus.  Say mean and cruel things.  Accusations, venom, but he loved her!! He really loved her!

He was going to take her out on a shopping spree. It had been so long that he was really able to do a lot for her.  Things had been looking up for him, things were looking up for her.  After the hardships they had endured, the struggle.  Things had been looking up and much better.  He whisked her off to dinner, she loved seafood.  Though he was allergic to shellfish, but they sold other food there.  He was going to sacrifice this evening.  He fed her, he was warmed by the gratitude in her eyes and her smile.  He was happy overwhelmed with joy and love.  He took her to purchase a partial wardrobe.  Though she loved vintage shops, or what she called boutiqueing.  Going to Goodwill’s and such.  Though she did find beautiful pieces and knew how to put them together very well.  He wanted her to have new clothes, shoes, purses,  makeup.  He wanted her to look good and feel good when she went to work and walked through those office doors.  She was his lady!  His pride, his joy!

He then blindfolded her, and he took her to the house that they both had looked at time and time again.  It was for rent.  He had sacrificed.  He hustled, he saved, he pushed and he plotted.  He came up with the money to move them into the house he knew she loved.  He loved too! He wanted to live in this house more than she did.  He hadn’t loved in his own house, his own place, his own floors and roof.  How did she?  How could she stay with a man that was struggling?  She could get any man she wanted.  He knew that.  He saw how men looked at her, drooled over her.  But the hell and the hardships, they went through together.  Him back and forth, shacking up with women.  Women he didn’t love, women he faked it with.  But she was like a camera...a photograph.  She captured his heart.

He took her to the house, pulled up in the driveway.  Opened her door. Held her hand and stood her in front of the house.  He grabbed her hand and placed the key of the house in her hand. Removed the blindfold.  She saw the house, she was quiet….as she stood there and as he stood there both in silence.  Her eyes welled up with tears.  Then one finally fell from her eyes and rolled down her beautifully  made up face. They stood there in silence.  Then a tear fell from his eye.  This was now home for the both of them.  This was the woman he wanted to marry.  He knew she was the one for him.  No matter how his mind fought him on it.  His heart and the depth of his soul said differently!

Sitting, regrets, hurt and pain that they both had experienced together.  Laughs, sadness, tears, joy and lost.  They both had experienced.  He loathed like a sickness when she was hurt and frustrated.  It broke him up.  It made him angry! And now, now she had had enough and she was gone.  Because of his pride.  He would not go to her job to see her.  To talk to her, to see her and try to get her back.  He knew….he knew it was over.

How did she leave?  She had no car, he was selfish and wouldn’t let her drive the cars he obtained.  He worshiped his cars.  Now that was all he had, three closets of clothes and three cars.  A 60” TV and a sofa. She had to have planned this.  She was waiting for the right opportunity to leave.  She didn’t leave a towel in the linen closet for him to wash his azz.  No blankets, she packed all her shyt and left no notice, no letter.  She had been planning this for awhile.  His selfishness, his taking other women out, his late night phone calls all because he felt he was back on top of the world!  

His phone rang, as it sang a song.  As it buzzed and vibrated he looked down and saw the number was private.  He looked, hesitated and then picked up on the last ring. There was silence on the other end.  He hung up.  

She was okay, she was better off without him.  There was nothing he could say nor do to get her to come back.  As she sat in a hot bath filled with fresh rose petals and bubbles. A bathroom that was lit up by scented candles.  She sipped slowly on her white chilled wine.  Jazz music was playing throughout the house.  She had a surround sound, speakers were ran all through the new home she had found.  She smiled, she closed her eyes.  She inhaled the soft scent of vanilla as it permeated through the bathroom.  She now had a nice cozy three bedroom home that was hers!  A guest room, and an office. Her office was her prized room.  There were framed posters all over the walls of her favorite movies.  She filled her orders in this room.  She made phone calls, she received phone calls on her office line.  She was now doing well.  Her house, her home was decorated to no fault.  It was peace, it was colorful, it was hers.

She was content now to live in her own tent.  No having sex with a man she no longer loved.  Feeling obligated to a man who pressured her all the time for sex.  No more being emotionally crippled to his rants and rages of verbal torture and drama.  Lies and deceit.  She was far from a stupid woman. Though she had thought about it hard, she had to face the truth! So she did her homework.  She researched it.  When he was sleep, she hacked his phone.  She downloaded an app that he would not be able to see nor detect.  It was a GPS system and it let her be able to hear his voicemails, see his text messages and see his contacts and know whom he was calling.  He foolishness had to stop!  She found and saw things that had hurt her.  Once she found out, she sacrificed.  Any overtime hours in the office on projects she volunteered to stay while others didn’t want the money nor the overtime pay.  They had families, they wanted their life.  She was trying to get hers.  She saved her money, invested in her business, went to mixers and networking events. Paid advertisers to advertise her online boutique.  Got her websites up.  

When she had saved up a thousand dollars she had rented herself a storage unit and had begin to fill it with her new things for her new home.  She relied on buses and trains, cabs and uber to get her to and fro.  Because he was now picking up his girlfriends from work.  Taking them to lunch and dinner.  He was now watching porn a lot on his phone.  Something she never knew about.  He was taking pictures of his lovers in the nude and saving them in his phone.  She remembered his pass-codes to his phone when her phone went dead and she had to use his.  It was the night she had downloaded the app on his phone.  She read all the text messages and seen all the pics.  Why did she have to continue put him under to surveillance ?  She had already found enough incriminating evidence that she needed.  Yet, yet he acted as if he was starved for her sexually!  He berated her when she didn’t love him like he wanted her to.  Got angered when she wasn’t running up all behind him and showing him affection.  When she did, he pushed her away.  When she didn’t he complained.  She was tired of being confused! She was damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t! She tired of a man she cleaned up behind, cooked for, shopped for. Bailed out of jail.  Picked up the pieces.  Helped with his lawyers and child support issues.  Money issues, business issues!  How dare he cheat on her now that he had gotten his life back with her help! The many days when they didn’t know how they were going to pay a bill or even eat! They stayed in hotels, motels that had kitchenettes.  They struggled and loved one another and encouraged one another.  All for naught.

The many men she had met that had way more than what he had,  That wanted her, that would be good to her and appreciate her she felt.  She gave it all up to be with him.  She never in any life do this with a man. But she did it all for him.  He was a selfish bastard in many ways.  She was tired of the backlash.  The highs and lows.  Having sex with him to calm him down.  It got to the point where he didn’t care if she was on her cycle or not.  He wanted to have sex!!! Sex...sex all the time!!  It was the only way to keep peace in the house, it was all that seemed to matter to him.  What he complained about all the time.  If they missed a day you would think that he and she hadn’t had sex in months, weeks! Not so was the case.  

A co-worker had told her about this house they had saw.  She got the number and called the owners.  She set up an appointment to go see the house and fell in love with it immediately!  It even had a finished basement which she would turn into a media room.  She was floored and happy beyond belief!!

Within the six months of her being a mental, emotional and non rebellious slave to him.  She saved her money.  Because of all her hard work in that year and a half.  She had gotten a promotion, orders were now coming in a lot more from her advertising her boutique on various social media sites all was looking up for her.  She was under duress, but yet she had something to look forward to.  She was relieved when he worked, was not at home.  She no longer checked up on him like she use to. She kept busy, she pulled up her inner strength.  She was now in a place where she no longer needed him nor did she want his kind in her life.  Her family loved him and thought he was the best thing to ever happen to her. His family loved her and always asked when they were going to get married.  She cringed inside when she heard those words.  When he told her he was going to marry her.  Nooooo!  She no longer wanted a life with a man who had suffered with past baggage and anger all the time.  Every time she looked up he was complaining, bytching about something.  This man was a ticking time bomb filled with drama.  And a vampire succubus!  He drained her energy every chance he got and he was needy and emotionally distraught.  She couldn’t help him anymore!  He had to help himself, and so did she!  

When she got her keys she packed her things up that went hardly unnoticed.  She would go to her house and decorated each room one by one.  Still purchasing things that she needed here and there.  The day she fully moved out was when he went out of town on business.  That is when she packed up all her things and left!  It was an exhilarating experience! She was now free!!!!!!

This was not the man she had met over six years ago.  She knew him, dated him, hung out with him and hung out with him in a group. He was always flattering, charming, smiling, flirtatious even.  He tried to be as a woman can be.  Beguiling.  He took her to nice restaurants to eat.  He took her to parks to walk, talk and chill.  They went out and had glasses of wine and took long drives talking.  Movies, plays and outdoor concerts. She would have never ever guessed he would be this person.  No way! This was a man that came to her door with flowers various times.  A man that pulled out chairs, opened doors always. Who was gracious and always smelled good and looked good.  A smile so beautiful and teeth that were so white he put the sun to shame.  She never saw him out of pocket.  His car was a Mercedes Benz back then.  He rode that car like it was a chariot! Until he lost it!  

He did small things for her, thoughtful things for her.  He made time to wash her car every weekend.  He was very good at t!  Shiny, waxed and rims polished.  The car was immaculate!!  He would take her car and fill her gas tank up every weekend too.  He would call every now and then and ask her if she just wanted to get out of the house or run an errand.  He was very accommodating to her.  But this guy????!!!! This guy was a murder ready to happen.  She felt if she stayed any longer she would be on The Next 48 or Snapped.  He pushed her buttons like that!

He asked her, he asked when she moved back for them to be together.  She kept in touch with him over the years as she traveled the world.  Working in PR was her love at one time.  She was hardly in her home.  Paying rent, ADT, bills, People to pick her mail up, Water her plants, check on her place.  Stay a night here and there.  She made great money there was no doubt about it!  But her personal life sucked!!!

She had decided to give a six month notice to her clients and chill out for awhile.  She needed to rest.  The times zones, living in hotels and on planes, coach buses and driving cars had worn her out!  Things had went south for her six months before he had called her.  He asked her where she was.  She told him she was coming back there.  Find a place, plant her roots.  He was happy and said he and she could look for a place together.  That they could pull their money and see if they could work things out.  Date, be a couple, relationship.  She agreed.  Shipped most of her clothes and things she needed.  It cost her close to $3,000!  But that was nothing.  

She never knew that this life, the life she had with him would be so hectic.  He lost two cars, wrecked two cars.  He even had an accident in her car!! The honeymoon phase lasted just that!  Three months, then they found a place. Then there was a very short honeymoon that lasted a month.  He had a car repossessed.  He had his license suspended twice.  They ran though her savings!  She was stuck!

When he did have a car she had to take him everywhere he had to go.  Because he couldn’t drive.She did this for six months of her life.  Placing her on the back burner .  She was frustrated, ready to make her way in the world.  She didn’t want to go back in the PR world and be an agent anymore.  Money was tight, tensions ran high. Back then she catered to his every whelm.  He did not ask for sex like he had been doing.  He was stressed and vexed and things were in the happening back to back with drama. She knew

Better than ever he was not the man she wanted to be with at all.  Things seemingly went down hill for a long time. She had wasted two years of her life doing nothing it felt like.  All of that sweetie pie, love you, do anything for you only when they were in public had quickly dissipated.  She was no longer the man she fell in love with.  The man she knew. He had let up the shades so she could see his real him.  

This was peace!!! As she got out of the tub, dried off. Moisturized her body.  Arched her eyebrows, scrubbed her face and brushed her teeth.  She saw her reflection, she liked what she saw.  She blew out her candles, brushed her hair.  Grabbed her silk kimono robe and walked out of the bathroom.  She went in the kitchen and made herself some cold lemon water.  She went down to the basement.  Opened her cabinet that had hosted a bevy of DVD movies.  She had a 80” flat screen TV in her basement.  She had surround sound in her basement of course. She walked over to the DVD player and slid her disc in and grabbed her fluffy white throw blanket .  She dimmed the lights and took a deep breath.  She was indulging in the quiet and calm.  The peace, the serenity of her new decorated home she could keep it the way she wanted.  She didn’t have to push and probe him to clean.  Or clean up behind anyone.  Cook for no one.  Get no criticism nor complaints.  This is where she wanted to be.

She should have known!  There had been so many warning signs of the drama and the person he was when they first met.  There was always something going down, something that made him unhappy, got under his skin, bothered him worried him, stressed him out to full capacity.  But what he would do would jump out of the conversation and say it didn’t matter he no longer wanted to talk about it.  But he did!  He would mention the troubles and worries all the time!

He had finally gotten up.  His phone had been inundated with text messages and calls from his so-called new girlfriends.  The women no longer pleased him.  They did and they didn’t.  He knew he would get lonely for female company soon.  He could never be alone.  As he looked back on his life.  He realized he had never been faithful to any woman.  For a very short time.  But because his ego had to be rubbed and petted he always reached and sought out women.  The crazy thing was these women had nothing, absolutely nothing on her.  They were not as beautiful nor as sharp and intelligent as the woman he had.  When he got tired of a woman is when he had started seeking the company of another woman.  He jumped from relationship to relationship.  He said he preferred to be alone and not be in a relationship.  This was so untrue!  He was never alone, no space between the times he dealt with a woman.


The life, his life was crazy. He had not grown up or matured any at all.  But in his head he was the shyt!  He had it all in control.  He could not see the damages he had caused himself.  Then at his most vulnerable times he realized that yes, he was the problem.  He had always been the problem.  Could he tell others this?  He had told her this a few times.  He would soon find, or place another woman in the spot of hers.  Yeah, that was him.  The best love, girlfriend and sex he had ever had in his life.  Yet he had to cheat! 

He couldn’t see the oxymoron of his selfish behavior.  He gave to her, but he gave to her to keep her and what he felt she deserved.  He gave to her when he knew he had done her wrong and hurt her feelings.  The baggage, the tons of weight he carried and didn’t get rid of the baggage.  

She told him many times.  You will miss me when I am gone.  I am the best you ever had.  She told him that he could date and see other women.  That they could have an open relationship.  That when they had sex, it would be her choice and her choice only.  For him not to ask.  When they did, they would have to use a condom.  He didn’t like that at all.  He wanted, nor could he imagine another man inside of her, touching her, kissing her or tasting her but him.  Yeah, he was selfish.  Typical in fact.  She said she would date other men and she eventually would get her own place.  He didn’t like those words.  Also telling her time after time he didn’t trust her.  But he was the one, she knew she couldn’t fully trust him. She trusted no man no matter how good they were to her. She was far from stupid. Yes, she hung out with other guys that she knew liked her. But she never flirted, had sex, spent a night nor did anything wrong that would break them up or shame herself.  AIDS, HIV and STD’s were real in the world.  She had dated and met many crazy men in her life.  Had been stalked, been in insecure so-called relationships.  Involved with men who she was just getting to know and they were showing signs of being possessive or wanting to be deep too quick.  Pushing to have sex so quick and know nothing of her.  Who in the hell is that desperate???

So she wasn’t as pushed to cheat and have another man in her life as he was.  He was the one that was so damn pressed!

He had to now get his life!  Money that he had been spending to fix his cars up, spending on these new women in his life.  Now had him in the hole.  More than what he was before.  He hadn’t been handling business properly as he had been telling her he had.  He still really wasn’t paying child support.  Nor was he taking care of his legal drama and issues nor his debts  He owed a lot of people money but would get mad when others didn’t pay him his.  He still hadn’t paid her debts and bills.  It was way over a year!  He screamed at her when she was offended he bought two cars and didn’t pay off the bills he asked her to put in her name for him.  

No towels, no sheets, no blankets, no bed, no dishes….nothing.  He had to go buy all of these things now.  As he got in his car, not thinking because he was angry and hurt at the same time.  He went on a stupid non thinking shopping spree.  Retail therapy.  He went to department stores and spent too much money on dishes, sheets and blankets, comforter sets and all the other things he needed. He spent over 5,000 dollars also purchasing his bed.  He didn’t care.  His thoughts were.  I will have women come and visit.  I need to have a nice bed, my bathroom has to look good.  I need some art on my walls.  My house needs to looked lived in.  He had convinced himself that it was cool that she had left him and took everything with her.  He lied to himself saying he hated the decor she had in the house.  No, he loved her taste.  After leaving the overrated overpriced mall.  He went to an expensive furniture store and bought furniture for his living room, dining room.  He wasn’t thinking clear.  In the hole for now 4,000 in furniture.  Monies he had just gotten.  Tomorrow wasn’t promised!  He had to pay rent, car insurance, still fix on those cars.  Pay bills.  He wasn’t thinking! He was in his pain!

He stayed up all night decorating his house.  Putting up pictures on the wall, decorating the kitchen.  The bathrooms.  He paid extra to have his furniture delivered the next day.  He went online after he was finished and ordered the rims he wanted for both his cars. He ordered things on Amazon having it shipped to him overnight.  Yeah he was sick!  Sick in love.  Though he told her hesitant about his feelings.  More out of frustration because he didn’t like what love had done to him.  Now he was feeling more stupid!  Not being real, not being forthright was an issue for him.  Hell he couldn’t be honest with his damn self!  When he was, it was at times like these when he had no one to blame but himself. He was good at blaming her for things that didn’t go right in his life. He fussed at her for not having a job, that he had paid the bills.  Forgetting the many moments, the many times she came through for him.  He threw that under the table when he spoke of it to her.  Like her contributions and help meant nothing to him. This made her feel like crap!  She contributed to the bills, she put gas in his cars.  She brought food, she spent money on him, she took him out to eat at very nice places.  She cooked, she cleaned, she ran his bath.  Gave him at home pedi's and manicures.  

He went to bed, he was tired.  He was looking and not looking forward to when he woke up.  He unpacked and opened up the blankets and laid them out on the floor.  That was going to be his bed until tomorrow.  Meanwhile……

She took a two week paid vacation.  Using some of her PTO days towards her vacation.  She dug into her business. She reached out to her old colleagues that she kept in contact with. Asking them if they would give a blast out on their social media sites about her online boutique.  For her, they loved her.  Missed her and were willing to do whatever it took to support her.  She picked up her fliers, new business cards.  She went to social events and mixers taking her product with her and wearing her product.  She was well received.  She was hopeful that these boost would bring more business to her. She was good at PR.  She had already purchased the many things she needed to attend outdoor festivals so that she could sell her products.   Her banners, tables, advertisements on bulletin boards.  She was excited.  She paid her vending fees to be there.  This was her baby!  She knew her business sense and the premise of which she was opening this online boutique would make her money.  It was discounted products.  Women loved to look good!  They could save much money shopping with her.  While others wanted to overcharge and take advantage of the consumer.  

She also now focused on her consulting group.  She already had a huge contact clientele list.  She already had people that trusted her, believed in her work.  Knew about her reputation.  So once she got her company and LLC. She went live on her website and sent out a huge huge email blast.  Set up all her social media   pages and sites.  She had began contacting and talking to a lot of her old clients and those she had made business contacts with.  She set up business meetings, lunches to go talk with her old business clients.  That was what was on her plate the first week of her vacation.  She stayed extremely busy.  Then with pisstivity and angst she went ahead and paid off the five bills that he had accumulated in her name.  All that was done out of love. Something she had never ever done with any man she had been with.

He woke up, made some coffee.  Still had no appetite to eat.  But he needed energy.  So the coffee, the espresso machine which he bought, she of course took nothing he had bought.  Just what she had brought or bring in the house.  He was glad that she wasn’t being vindictive.  He realized that she had done a lot and had given a lot of herself and her things to make this house a home.  Yeah she made the apartment they had had a home.  But it wasn’t until they had gotten the house that she had unpacked more of her things and decorated the house. When he would come home and see the changes it warmed his heart.  He quickly shook off the memories.  Then there was a knock on the door.  It had to be the furniture.

As he pointed and showed the delivery people where to put the furniture.  UPS had now come now.  He was ripping boxes open, unpacking his new things.  He was putting things away.  Making his bed up.  He was focusing on the house.  He broke down all the many boxes and put them out back. When he looked out in the backyard, he saw how truly nice it was.  There was beautiful bold green grass. It would soon need to be cut. It dawned on him that he was responsible for keeping the grass and yard done out of his pocket.  That was one of the conditions that was in his lease.  As well as the owner verbally telling him that.  He had a nice deck, and a small man made pond and waterfall were in the corner.  He walked back in and grabbed his phone.  He already knew a guy that owned his own landscaping business.  He made the call, set it up for someone to come to the house this evening.  It was a business partner of his.  A good contact he had.  So his business client said he would send a crew out later on in the late afternoon to cut the grass.  So far he had gotten three deliveries.  He pulled up the website on UPS and tracked the other two deliveries.  He made a quick decision, he grabbed his keys and hopped in his car.

He drove over to Loews and went straight back to the patio furniture.  He looked over a few things.  He touched, rubbed, stood back and eyed his selections.  He then made his choice.  Wooden vintage 1920’s type meets modern contemporary patio furniture.  He chose to get all black cushions for the lounge chairs, chairs and benches. They were thick and plush!  He purchased two lounge chairs.  Four chairs, the table and a black canvas umbrella. He purchased the small love seat bench.  Walked over and picked out an electric grill BBQ.  Picked the dishes out for the patio set.  Paid for it and paid for a delivery that would be there the next day.  He was depressed.  This was an outrageous shopping spree.  Some put on credit cards, and a lot in cash! His checking account had dwindled down a significant amount.  He was already regretting.  But there was no turning back now. This was his way of getting back at her.  Like I really don’t need you!! You leaving is no big deal!! Life goes on!! I will not run up behind you!  

He went back home.  Just as he was pulling up in the driveway, the UPS man was walking to his door.  He was right on time!

She had put so much energy into doing her.  Not that she wasn’t doing her.  But he took a lot of her energy away.  The vampire, the succubus that needed more than what he needed and was very needy and did not want to admit he was needy and a big ole baby!  

Even in her quiet, not wanting to go back and forth.  Forth and back. Mostly all of their conversations ended in a debate.  Why??? Why could they just be regular?  A regular couple. Talk!  Simply express one’s feelings!! But her feelings always pushed his buttons.  If a person feels that way, they simply just feel that way.  It is there feelings!  She could never inner stand that about him.  She slept a lot more.  Like she was always tired.  Didn’t want to work out anymore.  At first it was the opposite  When he stressed her she worked out! Indeed, indeed she was tired of all of his bi-polar ways!  Yeah, damn…..she thought about it.  Maybe...maybe just maybe he was bi-polar!  Wooooow!!!!!

There were things she missed….the old him.  The man she met when they first dated.  The man that was funny, loved to talk.  Loved and enjoyed the time they spent together.  The weekend getaways they took.  The new places they found in the city to eat at.  The laughs and great times.  To her he wasn’t that great of a lover.  But she worked with him in that area.  Because she indeed and truly liked him, then loved him!  They should have never moved in with each other.  That was a huge mistake!! Though he told her that she was the one he wanted to marry.  When she first met him back in the day she wanted to marry him.  She truly felt that he was her husband!  But she knew in her heart of hearts, that fire...that love to see him smile, walk in the door, smell good, sharp dressed man.  Well he did make her loins and heart catch fire.  She was tired of being a teacher.  She was tired of giving passes.  She was tired of changing.  She was tired of staying quiet.  She was tired of not being able to express herself. She was simply fukn tired!

When she went on social media sites she saw people sharing, joining.  She checked emails, she had orders.  She was happy, she was doing her to the fullest.  She knew that it would come easy yet slow when it came to the consulting business.  But she knew that she would be referred business by the people she had knew.  She knew that some of the people she worked with in the past would come to her.  She had a plethora of knowledge in starting a business.  Running others businesses.  Building and branding as well as promotions, advertising and great marketing schemes.  She had done this with her online boutique.  She again was trusted.  Her being an upright dedicated business woman who stayed on top of things and not once took advantage of any of her clients.  Yeah...she was doing fabulous!

He had gone out shopping some more.  He had shopped for rugs, candles, candle holders. Real nice decorative pieces in his house.  It was fully decorated and the backyard looked amazing!! The not so ordinary pieces he had in his home.  He was channeling her.  The things she would pick out.  Yet he didn’t know it.  Of course there wasn’t too much.  It did not look feminine at all.  It just had her touch on it.  

He felt he was now ready to have company in his home.  This was something he had wanted to do with her.  What she and he had planned to do.  They were just so busy.  And yet he was busy.  He was working and hustling.  She was working overtime, she was building her product up.  Adding the touches on what was needed to get everything started.  Running smooth.  They barely talked and seen each other. He felt abandoned!! He felt she no longer loved him.  She did, she just wasn’t in love with him.  She pulled out of a lot in regards to his business, his family, his finances, his highs and lows.  When he talked, it was like waa waa waa waa.  Because she didn’t want to inhale that in her spirit.  There was so many things she had been doing to get herself through when she was around him.  He knew exactly what to say and do to get under her skin.  That was his mission, his fun, his giving to her when he could.  There was a not a day that went by he didn’t say something asinine.  What an asshole! He called her this many times!  She could never play, she could never say something back. She was now the bad guy, the gangster, the bully, the mean one.  He could tell her about herself.  The same things she accused him of.  He could now accuse her of.  This was what also wore her out.  So that is why she was quiet.  Said as less as she could.  Or when they did manage to talk she talked and spoke on random subjects.  Because all of their conversations would be about him and his problems, his goals, what he needed to do, what he wanted to do.  Selfish.  If she said what she wanted or needed he cut her off and brought the subject back to him.  So why?  When she bought things and did things towards her business or personal growth.  She just did it.  She didn’t talk about it she was about it! Simple.  Then she spoke her accomplishments to him.  He would always be surprised.

Money dwindling, he didn’t care.  He called a caterer and party planner to have a housewarming backyard BBQ.  Show off the house.  He wasn’t ready to speak to those that were close to him and knew her.  So all the many other associates, clients people he knew.  Those are the ones he asked.  If they asked about her.  All he would say is that she was called out of town on business.  Yeah, that is what he would say.  

This pushed him in the hole for sure.

Her heart was no longer with him.  It really wasn’t.  She knew she didn’t want to deal with another man as far as being in a relationship.  That was far from her mind. She also was not ready to have a man warming the other side of her bed.  No one needed to stay a night at her home. She had to cleanse, enjoy life.  Go out on simple dates.  And not go on too many dates with the same man on a continuum.  That was not going to happen.  She would spread herself around, but in a good way! So she started to date various men on her second week of vacay.  She had a date every night of the week.  Some of the guys would not see her on a second date because they in her opinion didn’t gel.  They had no real substance and she could see all through them.  One thing she was grateful for was that he had opened up her eyes even more and not to ignore anything.  To be cognizant of it all.  Some she agreed to have a second date.  But she scheduled it a week away.  She kept herself busy.  Some men got it, some men didn’t get it nor liked it and gave up.  She shrugged it off.  She could careless!!

His house was filled to capacity with guest.  They all loved the house!  Some asked about her. He told them that she had to leave on a business trip. They all bought it! He enjoyed himself. When it was all done, he got on the phone and called a new lady over to stay the night.  He kept wishing she was there.  He wanted to make love to her. Smell her, touch and kiss her.  What better way he thought to get away from her.  Get a new woman, be with a new woman.  Something she already knew he would do. Something he didn’t realize he did.  

When she got there, he was excited,  He had to get drunk to get with her.  She bothered him. She wasn’t as sharp and as sexy as she was when he was sneaking around with her here and there.  This was actually their first time having sex.  They had kissed, petted heavy.  He seen her naked once.  They almost did it.  But he had to go.  He was way past his mental curfew from being from the house.  But she turned him on.  But not as much as he thought at first.  She was loud and obnoxious.  After he was done with her, he kicked her out. Was mad at himself.  She wasn’t great in bed.  She was a total bore.  When she left, he blocked her off his phone.  

As time went on, and it always does.  He thought of her more often than not.  He dreamt of her, daydreamed of her. So many things reminded him of her.  He was sinking in a depression.  In just a matter of three weeks he had gone through his money.  This sunk him deeper into depression. He was in over his head! This was not going to be as easy as he thought to move on to another woman.  Even though he had moved on.  But he still had her.  He was free!  Why could he not now embrace his freedom?  Of course he wanted his woman, and have side pieces.  He said he wanted to marry her.  But did he really?  Or was this a lie to himself?

He thought about the weeks upcoming to her leaving.  When she was home she cooked him breakfast.  Made lunch on the weekend or dinner.  She made coffee in the morning. Sometimes breakfast because she was busy.  She surprised him with soaps, incense and bath products.  He loved baths.  She kept doing the little things.  She always dropped his clothes off to the cleaners and picked them up. She made sure the bills were paid.  If he gave her the money.  She always came back with the receipt.  If he gave her monies, large amounts to put in the bank  she did.  She knew all his personal information.  Had the passwords to all his accounts and codes to his bank cards.  He trusted her, he loved her.  Yet he was still a selfish bastard.  How can one be giving, really giving and yet be so narcissistic?  That was him!!  This was who he was.  It came of ease to him, it came right on time.  It was his make up, it was the man he made himself to be.  It was not to say that she did not have flaws and not do things to get deep under his skin. However, she was the one who tired to do the cover ups, the lies, excuses, the angst and agitation of just him.  The many things she has spoke to him over and over throughout the years they have been together. Still no change.  He went to ten if you asked a question.  She had long gone grown tired of that.  Peace, solace, vacation of emotions, mental exasperation that had clogged the very pores of her skin.  Drama, negativity, selfishness and neediness had gotten old.  She should have been left!! She at least wanted to stay and show him that she was a do right woman that only wanted a man to do her right.  In some areas he did that.  The others were epic fails that had festered tolerance and patience.  She wanted a stay-cation from him. She wanted to stay in her own home.  Even the mini weekend vacations ensued talking back, debating, going back and forth. If he didn’t talk about himself then it would not be a good night.  So she learned better acting, better quiet, she fussed and cussed him out in her and shook her head hard on the inside. She grit her teeth and would turn away.  He read her like a book!  He knew when he was getting under her skin.  So he kept doing it, pushing buttons, smiling hard because he enjoyed it.   He would then ask, ask to feed his lustful desires no matter if he angered her, pissed her off.  He still wanted to feel her walls. Look at her when he was on top of her.  She was beautiful to him.  He had ruined it all!

For the first two months he acted just like a hurt man.  He fell behind on bills, he ate a lot and worked out a lot.  He stepped and talked to every woman he saw that he was attracted to.  He was mad that he had to start all over.  He had to wine and dine these chicks.  He had to sweet talk, them and charm them.  Every woman he had sex with, he saw her face and missed her.  Meanwhile….

She was excited!  Her online boutique was doing better.  No she wasn’t making thousands.  But the few hundred she did make as sales increased were the highlights of it all.  For her dis-including the money that she would take immediately away to buy product and her shipping boxes and packing material.  It was nice to see $500 a week and growing.  The advertising was working!  She was able to take one hundred to two hundred and put it towards supplies.  The rest was her profit.  But she promised herself she would not touch that money for six months. She celebrated.  She was seeing this new guy.  They had had at least three dates a month now. Of course he wanted more.  She didn’t, look at what she just left!  She wanted to keep it slow.  She was dating, or she would say hanging out with other guys. But she liked this one the best.  They did talk on the phone at least three times a week.  That was her minimum.  Then he called on day four she would tell him the day she would give him a call.  Seriously!  She knew he was ready to make it more than what she wanted or what it was.  They enjoyed each others company. They went out and always had a good time  He had great conversation.  He was very humorous.  He was also attractive, very attractive.  But her thoughts stayed in check along with her feelings.  She was healing some old bad war wounds that she didn’t want to fester.  So she not only had to beat that,  She also had to baby that.  

There were nights that she cried, bawled until her eyes were puffy. Not because her feelings were hurt, well they were but not in that way.  She kicked herself, she went through guilt stages.  She beat herself up.  She would get so angry feeling so stupid.  Mad that he lied, mad that he was who he was and how she was treated.  She would cry angry tears and then wanted to hurt him so he could know how she felt.  She wondered, what and how would the pain feel if this was a broken heart.  She had gone numb a long time ago.  Her feelings, deep loving feelings had dried up.  She would not do this again!  She will be watchful.

She was still decorating her home here and there.  Fixing up her backyard.  She didn’t know her ex had of course decorated the house.  She never even thought of him having to buy furniture.  Why?  Because they had no furniture for close to two year in he house.  Until she went and got her things and brought them back.  Her furniture had been in storage for a year.  But it had only been used for six months.  It was hers, so she took it!  Fuk him!  

She was way past bitter.  She knew she was.  She wasn’t really attracted to men and wanted men like she use to.  No she didn’t want a woman either.  It's just that now she could see through all the BS, the drag, the drama, the lies.  How men push up on you and their main goal is to have sex with you.  When you shut that door and make a barricade. Men see you differently, they longer want to pursue you.  Men were visual and physical.  Nothing was better than having sex with a woman.  A woman that had what you were attracted to. Had all the things you wanted in a woman.  She was all of that.  But she was cool, going to eat, have a glass of wine was still a boring distraction.  

He wanted her, he tried to do and say all the things she wanted to hear.  Or what he thought she wanted to hear.  She knew this and that is why she kept her distance from him.  Because she didn’t want him to bore her.  I mean he was a pretty cool dude.  She of course could live without him.  She could careless to be honest.  She was so bold and straightforward with him that she asked him if he was dating other women and asked how was it going.  The dating life.  She told him that she was dating other men.  That she was again not interested in being in a relationship.  She never not once spoke of her ex.  In her heart, her mind.  He was not worth the energy.   She was adamant and blunt.  She was looking out for herself, her life, her heart.  This was going to be a long healing process.  

He woke up, head bashing it felt against his skull.  His body was tight and sore.  It hurt to open is eyes and see the sunlight peering in his room.  He tried to remember what had happened last night.  Piecing it all together.  His room when he looked around was a complete mess!  Disheveled and chaos.  He got up slowly, body cringing from pain.  What happened?  What in the hell happened? He managed to walk into his bathroom and got to the his medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of aspirin.  He turned the faucet it and cupped his hand underneath the water and brought it up to his mouth and swallowed his pills.  Even swallowing the pills had his head hurting.  He slowly walked through his rented home.  There was a mess in every room!  Trash was all on the floors, paper plates, cups, glasses, silverware.  Wine bottles, beer cans, bottles of patron.  Food was on the floors and tables.  There were food stains and liquor stains on his new furniture.  

He forgot, he had a party.  A wild wicked party of people he barely even knew.  There was drugs, liquor.  His house reeked of vomit, cigarettes and liquor.  All of his belongings were still in the house.  It looked as if no one had stole anything.  Then he thought about his wallet, his money, his credit cards.  He totally forgot about his skull headache.  He ran to his room

Searching for his wallet.  He was looking around in his room frantically!! Making more of a mess than what it was.  He didn’t remember where he had put it.  He was beginning to sweat profusely looking for his wallet.  Then it dawned on him, it was under his mattress.  He gave a sigh of a relief. He went under his bed, and it was gone!

Distraught and in a serious panic.  He called the bank to see if his money had been drawn out.  He was left with 16.00 dollars.  He called on his credit cards, and the many charges that were made were ridiculous.  It was now 4pm in the evening.  So he quickly called in told the reps at the bank and credit card companies and reps what had happened.  This is what happens, this is what happens when you you are not thinking.  When you make bad choices due to your mental and emotional sadness.  When things get out of control.  His head started pounding harder.  For the first time, the real first time.  He cried, he cried silent tears.  In the nude.  No even recalling the women, or woman he had slept with last night.  All he saw was the empty condom wrappers on the floor.  He didn’t even want to go look at the rest of his house.  He was sure that it all was a huge mess! A mess he made, a mess he wanted.  Because if he didn’t want it, then this would have not happened.

How was he going to explain this to the owners of the house?  Rent was due in two days!  He had no money!  All he had was the furniture, clothes and cars! The things that were most important to him.  Funny, a man who loved to control others had totally lost control of his life and everything around him.  When you have control, when you have real control of your life things like this should and would not have ever happened.  

He was missing her more and more each and everyday that passed.  He wallowed and bathed in his sorrow.  Apparently the pity parties he was having for himself had made a huge mess in his life.  It took him three days to clean is house.  There was a lot of damage to the house.  Thank God he was a bit of a handyman.  Or else this would have cost him a few pennies.  Pennies he didn’t have.  He had recovered from the credit cards.  They were still doing the investigation on the fraudulent purchases.  The credit card companies and banks wanted to find out and charge whomever had stole his money that was insured as well as the credit cards.  It was two females.  That was a no brainer.  He knew it was a woman.  But two? No.  He did get some good news. The police were on the job.  He felt he had some really good detectives.  His landlord gave him a break.  They said he could pay when he got straight and they would not charge him any late fees.  That he was grateful for.  

His life was spiraling out of control……

She felt it, she had dreamt about it.  She had started to get a bit anxious too.  She felt he was close.  That he was near.  That she would see him soon.  Of course she had thoughts of him.  She missed him, the good part.  But it would soon be tainted by a memory of something that he had done to her.  Then she would get peeved, angry about the situation then at herself.  How could you love to hate someone?  How could she really be with another man if she had all this bitterness and hate in her heart? It would be so unfair to take a man through her baggage.  She scrutinized men very hard  Had a bit of disdain in her heart.  Her levels of tolerance were close to none. She met a lot of men, but she was quick to get rid of them for the smallest things.  Patience, she was a thing of the past.  How can you love to hate and hate to love a man at the same damn time?  That was her precarious situation.  She cried, and wondered where the tears were coming from.  

The fact that she had been dreaming of him.  Not every night, and she was getting anxious disturbed her.  She now wondered if he was okay.  If he was thinking of her. She never had these thoughts before she was wrapped up in her life, getting her life together.  Living stress free.  

He was slowly getting his life in order. He was two months behind on rent.  Well let’s just say that he paid his rent very late for two months.  They caught the women who had stole his credit cards and debit cards.  He of course didn’t have to press charges,  His money was recovered.  He was getting jobs, they were coming in slowly.  He had made some horrible money decisions.  He was in huge debt. The furniture, the cars , clothes, repairs.  Shopping sick sprees.  He had sold one of his cars. He had too, there was no choice.  He was living a life he could and could not afford.  He at times managed his monies well. But his expenses, well they were expenses he could really cut in half.  Everything he pretty much owned went into the cleaners.  He could drive a regular car.  Not foreign cars. Instead of eating out, buying food and cooking it.  He ate out everyday.  He was taking a woman out every other day throughout the week.  His drinking, smoking had become a habit that he really didn’t need.  He had a treadmill at home, but he paid for a gym membership that cost him a hundred dollars a month.  Mainly so he could meet women there. Plus he was in a real high maintenance gym.  When he added all his receipts up of going out to eat, the gym, the cars, the eating out, the cleaners and all.  He was spending $1,000 a month and more!  There was indeed some changes that were needed. Today was the day that he was going to stop all the BS!

She had decided to take a break.  The man she was dating the most was getting too overwhelming for her.  He was insistent in seeing her more.  Kept asking her why she was being so distant with him and that he wanted to know if he was wasting his time.  She told him from the beginning more than once to date, have sex with other women if that is what he wanted to do.  She told him that there was no room in her life to date at the moment.  That she needed to get her ducks in a row.  She didn’t want a sexual relationship with any man.  She liked him, if he didn’t want to be friends with her.  Then move on.  In the end for whatever reason he wanted to stay around.  But she knew, she felt it.  He would be pushy and insistent again. He had mentioned and brought it up five times before.  She knew he felt like she was using him.  But she wasn’t and was at the same time.  She used him to keep her company.  But not for what they ate, did or went.  So at times she would beat him to the punch.  Ask him if he would be interested one time to go to a play.  She bought the tickets.  She wanted to go to an amusement park and she pre-ordered the tickets online. She knew he would.   So they went and had a blast!  She knew many of nights he wanted to kiss her, hold her her hand, sleep with her.  That was in most men’s nature to want to have sex with a woman.  Sex??? Sex and more sex.  This was what she was worn out about.  She felt nothing, no sparks, no real excitement and touch to sleep with a man.  She was worn out so emotionally that’s the last thing she wanted was to sleep with a man.  Of course her urges to have sex came in waves.  But to be with a man, a man that she dated or the men she knew at work.  She had her small attractions to the odd looking men,  The nerds, the shy and reserved ones.  They attracted her.  She would have a fleeting thought and then move on.  It was all good, she never lingered very long.  Then she got irritated.

She was getting better.  Doing better.  Reading self help articles, books.  Positive quote books.  She did more relaxing things.  She took longer baths.  When she was overwhelmed, she still worked out.  It was simple, it was helpful.  She encouraged herself, told herself to be strong. Her crying had lessened.  She thought less of him.  She kept her thoughts focused on the good things, the things she needed and wanted to do.  It was hard at times.  But she did it.  She had too.  She was happy to get her life back, it was out of control.  It was being led by others.   

She was tiring of the mess, the life, the endless going back and forth with her emotional tryst.  It would not damage her anymore!

Three years had come and gone so quickly!!!! She was doing so much better now.  So was he.  He had it a whole lot harder than she did because he always, always thought of her.  He date others.  Was in a brief relationship that almost lasted a year.  But he wasn’t in  love with her.  While she took a complete year off of men.  No sex, no dating.  She didn’t lead men on.  Yeah she went out with men.  Work related, business related, friends related only! She bathe in her solidarity.  Her me time, alone time.  She was social of course.  But the break is what she really needed.  There was a lot of, hurt, pain, discontentment and flaws that were growing and new flaws and issues were brewing.  No she wasn’t perfect.  She had to tell herself it was okay, she was a perfectly beautiful raggedy brilliant mess!  That she was who she was.  But she would not give power over to any man and have him stop her from loving herself, others, dating, men, family whatever this evil could and would have caused.  She thought of him here and there.  But not like he did.  In fact in his mind he wondered if she thought of him.  Little did he know she didn’t wonder the same.
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