And then you find strength in your weakness.

I been on the grind for it seems more of my life than I care to remember. Hell, I was only a child for a little while. And an adult for the most of my life. Like I really didn't have time to enjoy my younger years as a child. And to the reason of why when I became an adult at twenty-one. I was still acting as if I was a young person. The mind of a young child and the age of an adult created some scary things. Created some adult situations, with a kid or child. I did things kids do, but my carte blanche was that drivers license that gave me room to drink, go to clubs, and do things only ADULTS could do and not be sweated hard for that type shyt.


But then I did later find out in the game that it was me getting my azz in some shyt that my adult azz put me in. So as I stated before, I feel I have been on the grind most of my life. Because when you are still a kid in the mind. And you are an adult doing adult things. You have to take a look at the dumb shyt you doing, places, people, hell. You have to step up your game. That is if you plan to get it right, or just be a stone cold fuk up! And I have done sum fuk’d up things.

The hardest shyt for me to do is be that strong mother fucker everyone says I am. I need him to shut up and shut the fuk up! Real quick! I want it to be where we all get what the hell we want out of this grind, hustle, game, busy, hectic, moving fast real slow life to that test! Yeah, yeah. That is what I want.

Can I have it where we agree to disagree and we compromise? Oh…you thought….noooo, you thought I was going to say something like I wish the world was like? Naaaw, I can not do that one. Nope not at all. For you see I like some of the dramas in the world. It makes life interesting, it makes life different. And we all are created differently. Not one of you have the same DNA or fingerprints. See I just wanna see a lil change, nothing major. I do want people to make money, feed their children, havlove a lil bit, and look out a lil bit. I mean that is how it should really go.

My parents are old, but they really not. Because my father was a tyrant, and my mother the angel. My father has worn her out from all his tirades. And she has resorted to smoking cigarettes with a pace maker. And find food as her refuge. And this I wish and want differently. Cause all it takes is a lil bit of this, and a lil bit of that to make all of that right. My dad is blind in one eye and barely seeing out the other. Can hardly walk, has ulcers. And abused alcohol and women to the 25th power. And I love both of them like there is nothing else I can do. Because I can’t help it. e a job,

And because they are old but not really old. They are still in there mid sixties and younger. And life, game, hustle, and each other has worn it thin. They are too scared to leave each other. Ain’t this some shyt? No one can find the courage to say , “I’m out!” And that says a lot right there.

My job up and left and moved to the fuk’n south!! The hottest states in the damn south! Fuk’n Houston. I had invested so much into my life where I was. I had bought a huge house, has just done some remodeling. My family is all here. Hell, some of them had just gotten here where I was. I was in the position to help a few get some jobs. The game, life. Knowing somebody that knows somebody. And of course I was bringing the best. They all had stable work histories. But now these people decide they just wanna up and bounce to Houston? What the hell was this shyt? I didn’t wanna leave! I didn’t wanna pack up shyt and sell the very house that had taken me this long to buy! But here I was, caught in the middle of some serious decisions. Go get and hustle that money, that extra money, those extra perks, that promotion because I was sacrificing a lot. Like hell I was!

Now, I gotta go. I had moved up, showed my azz, did the right thing, stayed PC. And I had worked hard most of my life to be comfy. And who was going to give me what I had now in another job. This was my damn career! So I bounce, I leave, I vacate my family and relocate with my extended family. The people I worked with.

My sons, both of them. Beautiful and loving children. Never gave me any problems! Perfect, I mean there has been drama, but may I say. Not the kind that has you wondering if I gotta make a stop at the jailhouse. They were smart, productive, brilliant and sound children. So it was with regret when I left my oldest son whom had established himself where I was. Tough as nails, and I stayed sad for a long time. But I had to go.


I have had to let go of a lotta shyt in my life. Family, which is very important to me. Friends, who have had my back and loved me for long years. Memories of places that I had eaten, gone to, clubs, favorite places to go and shop. I had to buck up and do the damn thing. I had to face a reality of my own. And the one thing I wish I could change in the world. Is that we stay in love and get our way with making it in this world. That is my true wish. Because the harmony part is a stretch from how I see it.

Giving up is so hard to do,,,,,,,,,,,,and yet I have given up so many things. But this is my ode to it all. It is hard to do, so here I make a pledge….I make a pledge to let go, move forward and understand why some people just can’t leave. Why some people gotta leave. Why so many things in life change and yet stay the same. And why I will be strong and give it up. But not give up on the hope, the love, the faith, the courage, the understanding. If you love someone, set them free. And so I do.

So this grind called life will have you in some situations! Have you staying for the wrong reason, have you going and being all over the place for good reasons. And that since I have been an adult for most of my life. And not a child, we all gotta do what the fuk we gotta do. And that is what it is. And to be that strong mutha fuka people know me as, want me as. I just don’t wanna be at times. But here I am, caught up, feelings is a mutha !

Giving up is so hard to do…..but this is my ode to tell you……I will because this is life. And I will and have no choice but to be strong.



“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

Dedicated to my Ethel, Wyman, Shone, Chu Chu, Que, & Matthew.

SPECIAL DEDICATION: Amber & Genesis. Much love, respect, hope, faith, honor, love. And feelings….luv you.

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