A wise apostle said, "Be careful what you ask for" Sometimes the escape that we look for isn't what we really want in the end. Love, true love, real love shines and is never deceiving...

I over  and over, I feel shame, sadness, and an overwhelming amount of depression and hurt.  I thought that once it was over I would feel a huge sigh of relief, to no avail.  There is a coldness that my body feels.  Or shall I say my flesh.  Lying there on a cold white ceramic tiled floor; the bathtub filled with cold water and the white Dove soap bar sitting like a rock in the clear water of the tub.  I had removed every towel, bath rugs, and every thing from the medicine cabinet and emptied the trash can.  So all there was was just me. 


Funny in a scary silly ironic way.  I made sure my home was spotless and exceptionally clean! Everything was in place and everything that I felt that could be incriminating to me I burned, shredded and made sure I threw it in the dumpster. I had seedy DVD’s, literature, and all my “sexy” clothes and shoes I had already given away.  Perfect.


As I looked at the body on the floor I felt sorry for her, red fresh blood oozing and seeping from her wounds that were made.  The last thing I wanted to see was a horrific sight like that.  There was nothing peaceful or relieving about this, there were now regrets…..





My mother was far from a saint, it seemed any and all bad characteristics a person could have my mother was a host to them.  A petty thief and booster, a liar and a backstabbing cheat a manipulator and con.  Drug addict and hardcore alcoholic, a man eater of sorts you could say.  However the crazy thing of it all was that my mother was extremely beautiful and had a body of a goddess! It did amaze me that my mother worked out and took vitamins, herbs, drank health shakes, ate salads and was a health nut! She was in the gym at least four times a week.  And yet she abused her body with alcohol and drugs!


My mother was far from a loving mom, she yelled and screamed at me all the time.  I stayed on punishment for any and everything.  I never ever received a hug or a kiss from her when we were alone.  But when she was in front of others she was the most caring and loving mother one could ever think of.  My mother abused me mentally and emotionally, physical abuse she never once laid her hands on my body.  However I can recall going with out eating and missing meals because I said the wrong thing or didn’t do what she wanted me to do fast enough.  Locked in closets, locked in the garage, made to sleep in a car a couple of nights without water, blankets or food; I can’t remember the many times I slept on the back porch and was locked out of the house because my mother had company or was just drunk and had forgot to unlock the door. I never had keys to where we lived because my mother felt any person who didn’t work didn't deserve to have keys to the house.  So that excluded me wholly!


I was also made to do a lot of degrading things if my mother was on a tirade.  Crawl on my hands and knees like a dog and made to eat out of the dog dish.  She would throw my dinner in a bowl and I would have to eat it with my mouth and not my hands or utensils. Sometimes to get a kick she would put a dog collar and leash on me and have me bark, beg and do tricks like a dog.  I was tied up and chained to trees as if I were a dog.  Sometimes made to bathe in very cold water and sit in it for hours as she would put ice in the tub.  There are so many bad and sad stories I could go on and on for hours. But I am sure that you do get the point of how I was abused.


My mother never held a full time job.  Boosting, drug runner, having sex was how my mother got paid.  And other side ventures she would do. My mother worked for an escort business for years! And no one ever knew her age because she made sure her outer appearance was perfect.  She went to spas all the time. And she didn’t actually get plastic surgery until she was in her late forties.  She looked exotic, like some island woman.  I of course cannot tell you what a babysitter was because I was always locked in the house to fend for myself. Now the one thing I can say good about my mother was when she was in a great mood and had made some good money we would go on major shopping sprees and I would eat great! I had beautiful designer clothing because of the “look” my mother wanted others to see.  My teachers, friends, her friends, neighbors thought she was a loving warm and giving woman.  Yeah on the outside, but appearances are indeed a mother.  Just what it is, an appearance and mass deception!


I was about to graduate from high school and for “appearance” sake my mother had went all out for my prom.  I was grateful and happy for that.  The big embarrassment that I had on my day was when I had gotten home from my prom date my mother had asked my date had he “gotten any” and she had threw a bloody tampon at him and had started laughing.  I ran into my room and I had locked the door behind me.  That was my last day being hurt by my mother.  I didn’t return to school for graduation. I packed all my clothes and went to all the places I had hidden the money I had stolen from my mom when she was high or in a drunken sleep.  I had started doing this when I was ten years old just to eat at first.  Then I started stealing and gotten smart.  From reading an article in a magazine it stated that one should always have a nest to fall back on.  Save your money.  Of course it didn’t really make sense to me.  But I had done it! And would you believe over the course of eight years I had saved and stolen close to $30,000! A lot of money, money my mother never noticed was gone.  And also lets you know how much dirty money my mother made!


As my mother was yelling and taunting me from outside my bedroom door, tears were falling from my eyes and blurring my vision.  Snot tears and spit drooling from my mouth all at the same time.  I could hardly see my vision was so blurred.  My mother wanted to brag and make other people around her feel as if they were not good parents because they didn’t give their children designer clothes, fancy trips that came with engraved designer luggage! I lived two lives, one was filled with gifts and trips and fake love when in front of company or in public.  Behind closed doors I was threatened, yelled at, belittled and my mother’s personal slave! My mother had produced so much fear within side of me that I would panic making sure that the house was cleaned to perfection.  Her liquor was ready and set in place. I had learned to cook all her favorite foods.  Her clothes were washed and taken to the cleaners.  Anything and everything so that I would not suffer any of her raft.  The last episode had caused me to get my hair cut almost all off.  Thank God I had money to go to the salon and but some hair and wear extensions until my own hair had grown back.  Or the time I didn’t take out the trash right away and she made me take laxatives and I had to stay home for two days bent over in pain and running to the bathroom it seemed every hour on the hour I had to go and relieve myself.  My mother thought this was hilarious and teased and taunted me all day and night.


I had opened a window and threw all of my Louis Voutton Luggage my mother had gotten me.  Every piece of jewelry she had given me everything I had packed.  I had grabbed my cell phone and called a cab.  After I called the cab I had erased the number and I had erased all entries of people I went to school with.  I didn’t want her to call anyone and bug them.  I threw the phone back in through the window.  And I dragged my luggage to the curb so that the driver would see me and not have to pull in the driveway.  My life was now over, I was running away never to come back to this state, city or see my friends.  To now be open and not come back and live a double life free to be me and not feel as if I am walking on shared broken glass. Fear was my biggest problem, and love was the one thing I needed. 




I went to the airport and I bought myself a ticket to Los Angeles!  I was excited!  I had been there a few times with my mother and loved it very much.  The beaches and the beautiful people and the many different places one could go to.  I had been to tons of places in California and fortunately for me I had remembered how to get to a lot of places and get around enough where I would not look too suspicious.  I knew I had to lay low for two weeks because that was when I would turn eighteen.  And that would give me some independency.  Since I was around a woman who was manipulative and knew how to run charm and game. I had done the same thing when registering for a pay by the week one bedroom apartment in Santa Monica. I ran the man some story and he let me in.  I paid for two weeks.  I made sure no one saw me coming in and out.  I went to movies, went to the beach, ate at some really nice restaurants and met some really cute guys and some girls.  I didn’t give them too much of my past.  Told them I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to, get a job, or go to school.  They all seemed really great.  We exchanged numbers.  Of course I had got my own cell phone the next day I had gotten here.  Once I left home, I never looked back or cared to think of my mother.  For me it was all past.  And I am sure she could have cared less I was gone.  One less person in her world, she no longer had to fake the funk anymore.


When I turned eighteen my newfound friends celebrated with me.  They threw me a party in their small apartment which was located on the boardwalk.  I was excited, there was music, alcohol, weed, coke, ecstasy, mushrooms and so much more. My excuse not to partake in the drugs was that I was on prescription drugs and I couldn’t mix anything with them. I told them I could drink a couple of beers and I was stretching it by doing the two beers.  No one saw me as a kill joy.  I was glad; I thought the drugs would put me in the same mind frame as my mother.  An ugly bytch who was mean and hateful.  I wanted these people to like me!


I had my license and so I decided now that I was eighteen to buy myself a car.  So I looked in the recycler and the newspaper and came across a lady who was selling a Mercedes convertible real cheap!  I thought it was a misprint the car must have had a lot of things wrong with it.  Still the same I called; the lady just wanted to get rid of the car and get rid of it to the first person who could pay cash for the amount she was asking and the car was theirs! I took Manny one of the guys that I had met since I had gotten here. He knew a lot about cars so he took me by there and was going to take a look under the hood, kick the tires check the brakes and the muffler and a few other things.  I offered to pay Manny for doing the favor for me.  He refused and just asked me if I would have lunch with him his treat.  I agreed. 


The car checked out and had nothing wrong with it.  I gave her $6,000 cash for it on the spot and she signed over the pink slip to me.  I had myself a red Mercedes Benz with white leather interior convertible. When we got there we found out that it was her husbands, and he had bought the car about a year ago for his girlfriend.  Well they were in the middle of a divorce and he was now living with the girlfriend.  She told him he had seven days to come get the car and if he didn’t come get it by midnight on the seventh day she was selling it.  Well she actually gave him another week and still to no avail.  Well it’s mine now!  Manny and I thought I had come up real smooth, I mean how does someone get a practically brand new Mercedes for pennies? I felt good about me, I really did! I was in the land of milk and honey and felt this was good karma.


First things first I wanted to go to the DMV and put everything in my name.  I had also found a place not far from the DMV and got myself some insurance.  I got full coverage.  Well why wouldn’t I?  I had a hot car!


Manny and I had a lot in common he had come from a crazy dysfunctional home.  I let him talk and tell me about his life.  I wasn’t ready to open up about my chaotic life.  I was ashamed and wasn’t as open as Manny was. It seemed all of them had something that had bothered them about how they grew up.  To me some of their gripes were minuscule.  A lot of them were spoiled and had what I like to refer “silver spoon syndrome” they moved out because they had basically got put out or didn’t want to follow their parent’s rules.  Go to school get a job things like that.  I liked Manny the most because my heart went out to him the most.


I knew that my money would not go far, and even though I still had a hefty amount left. I told no one what I had.  The one thing I knew about me was to trust no one! And that if I couldn’t trust my mother how could I trust anyone else? But I still had to make some things happen for me, Star Angel Jacobs! I always loved decorating so I decided that I would go to design school. And get a part time job.  But that idea would soon change.




My first summer in California was filled with many highs! I found a part time job in a bougie upscale store I had worked my way in working for Channel on Rodeo Drive! I worked thirty hours a week and I hung out with friends, partied, clubbed, and did a lot of sight seeing. I had found a very small cramped one bedroom in Santa Monica that was basically a fixer upper.  It had a lot of charm and character. It had hardwood floors that needed to be stained, windows that needed drapes or blinds.  The catch was I had to do that.  And I had to clean it and paint.  It came with a small stove and full fridge but it was small because the kitchen was small.  I signed a six month lease and Manny and I had gotten busy together in cleaning, painting and staining the floor.  The stove and fridge were a wreck! But Manny took on that job of cleaning it to perfection, I was relieved.  My limit was to spend no more than $1,500 on everything.  That was painting, staining the floor, furniture and décor.  The only bad thing was; I was my mothers child I loved the finer things.  And I grew up in a home that had the best of the best in it.  My mother felt that she had to show off when her “friends” came by which were only leaches because they knew she would have top shelf alcohol and top shelf drugs. So yeah, of course they loved my mother!


What I had learned very quickly was how to cut corners and how to make it look fabulous.  I watched a lot of TV. And to escape a lot of the mental torture and pain I loved watching the Travel Channel and HGTV.  When I was locked in my room for days with no food or TV I did a lot of arts and crafts. I enjoyed this very much and it took my mind off of my present situation.  This is why I had wanted to go to school and actually learn how to decorate a home. Become a professional decorator! That was my passion.


So in me explaining to Manny what I wanted he then told me about all of these great stores in Venice, Hollywood and West L.A that were Good Will Stores and vintage stores and I could probably find a lot of treasures in there.  And I found a lot of stores that had great stuff and was discounted.  You must understand I hardly went anywhere, and I wasn’t and was exposed to a lot by my mother.  When I did get out it was like taking me to a candy store. My mother would have to tell me “Close your mouth and stop acting like you have never been anywhere!”  So all of this was new and all of it was an adventure! Being free, being able to talk to people without feeling as if my mother would catch me was very new and different.  I really didn’t consider the people I went to school with real friends because I had no relationship with them outside of school.  They couldn’t come to my house and I couldn’t go to theirs.  And I never hung out with anyone. 


As we cleaned and I bought stuff to decorate my home Manny and I got closer and closer.  We laughed, talked and went a lot of places together.  Manny knew how to show me a really good time. I had begun to read a lot more.  Appreciate my freedom and appreciate life.  I made good money working for Channel.  I was paid a commission, and because my mother was such a good bullshyter I had picked up on a lot. And turned out to be their top sales person within a month!  They showered me with so much! I had won trips, clothes, and had all the latest bags and shoes from Channel.  And yet I remained humble.


Unlike my counterparts, I still remained a virgin. I just wasn’t yet willing to give myself to anyone as loose as they had been doing and were doing. When the drinking, drugging and wildness had got out of control (too much for me) I would just head on home. Most times Manny with me.  Manny and I had just got closer and closer. We enjoyed and appreciated so much, and again I was like a child to have so much freedom.  Having any type of food delivered to my house I thought was just fabulous.  Watching movies, I had caught up on so many movies that I had missed out on as a child.  I had bought just about every Disney cartoon and kid movie I could get a hold of. I had a surround sound, DVD player, flat screens in my living room and bedroom.  I had begun to turn into a techie!


Manny and I also worked out together, if that was walking, light jogging which I didn’t like.  But dancing and aerobics I loved.  For a moment I had thought that Manny liked men. But I was mistaken when he had poured out his feelings to me.  I had developed feelings for Manny the moment I had laid eyes on him.  He was tall, muscular, dark eyes with long lashes.  His voice was deep and smooth like honey. Manny was twenty-three years old.  To me that wasn’t old, but yet I had just turned eighteen this year.  So he had some experience in life that I hadn’t.  So to me he was a full grown man. I hid my curiosity and acted as if all the new things I was experiencing were no big deal.  I mean when we went somewhere new, because I was new to the state yes I was excited.  But the small things were what really had me going.  A new place, a TV, a laptop, DVD player, watching movies and so much more!


After six months of us being around each other dating, no sex still. Manny moved in with me.  Many did many things and he didn’t want to be tied down to just one job. Manny was like a jack of all trades and a master of none.  He could do plumbing, construction, auto mechanic, painting houses he would clean offices, whatever he needed to do.  Everyday Manny would come and give me $200 or more a day. Telling me to put it away; and trust he had more money in his pocket he wasn’t broke! I loved his tenacity! Many times when I was off he would want me to hang with him a portion of the day in whatever he was doing. 


The night that I gave my virginity to Manny was wonderful and special.  He never rushed or pushed me to do it. He was a very patient man, Manny had taken me out for a small boat cruise on the harbor. We had a spectacular dinner, and he had presented me with a promise ring!  It was beautiful! That was the night that Manny had told me he loved me, and I loved him right back.  Manny took his time with and made me feel oh so beautiful and loved and once we got over the initial first time.  I was open and more open and wanting more.  Go figure!

I was in love with Manny and Manny was head over heels in love with me.  I had now begun to want to please Manny, so I had decided that I would read up on as much literature about sex and the art of it as I could.  I bought any magazine that spoke on “How to please your man” I loved Cosmopolitan magazine!  However later on I would bore of it.  I had every  Karma Sutra sex book you could think of.  I loved the Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica Blvd. It was an adult toy store.  Here I thought that Manny was a well advanced lover, and I was turning him out and turning him on to new things and so much more adventure. This also made him grow more and more attached to me and his nose was wiiiiiide open for me. 

In this new sexual revolution I was going through. I had begun to change my hairstyle I was always into my appearance I had to be working for Channel.  I just had a sharp crisp trendy spunky edge.  My walk had changed, my aura had changed.  When I looked in the mirror I no longer saw the same person. I was now a young woman. Sex for some reason had liberated me to the highest high.  I now had a treasure chest full of lingerie, costumes and toys! I had Manny install and attach a swing to the ceiling!!

I was so in love with Manny and there was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him and that he wouldn’t do for me.  Manny spoiled me and I spoiled him.  The one thing I had found out about myself as time went on was that I had started to dislike a few things about Manny.  It was after being together for a year now that I had begun to tire of his incessant whining.  He would do this when he didn’t get his way.  And it bugged me to no end. See now I had come into my own, I was meeting a lot of beautiful and interesting people. At first I was scared to let anything grow and get to know anyone.  But the celebrities and many rich clientele that had frequented the store was innumerable to recollect! And if I went to lunch, had a drink after work, went for appetizers, anything that did not include Manny he would whine and whine until I came home.  There may have not been a life before Manny, but there damn sure was a life now!

I didn’t want to lose Manny, so what I did was make up meeting dates, over time for stocking and inventory so that I could at least have some me time.  That worked for about a couple of months and then the whining had begun again.  It had dawned on me that Manny was insecure and jealous!  And I wanted my boyfriend, lover, best best friend. But I didn’t want to be tied down where I wasn’t able to go anywhere without him.

So I had decided to talk with him and get some things straight.  Let him know I was with him and him only but I wanted to have friends and go out too. I was young just as he was and that I trusted him.  This worked out for about three months, and out of the clear blue Manny just blew up and said he could no longer take it!  He packed his stuff and left!  I took three days off from work telling my manager I had came down with some sort of virus.  I had not missed a day since I had started there.  I was depressed, cried, vomited from crying so hard and I slept.  I had shut down my cell phone and didn’t want to go anywhere or speak to anyone. 



It was so difficult being alone for awhile.  I had to get sleep meds to make me go to sleep at night because I would stay up all night thinking of Manny.  But then a month came and went, and another month came and went.  And it had been six months. Star Angel was doing her and living life to the fullest.  I was mostly going out with the girls at work.  Then some of the men that lived near the beach saw that Manny wasn’t coming or going out of my apartment so they had began to want to come by and take me out.  I wanted no one close to me like that again.  I didn’t want anyone that could see me coming and going.  I was done with that.  And I didn’t want my heart broken anymore I didn’t want to love anyone. I was done with love!

Time goes by fast, and I was twenty years old and a few months from twenty-one.  I had now got my breast enhanced to a D cup.  And I was making sure that my body stayed in tip top shape.  It was one day that a beautiful man walked into Channel that I had to do a double take!  He was gorgeous!  He smelled good, was dressed impeccable!  He had been on a serious shopping spree! He had bags from Tiffany’s, Louis Voutton, and Gucci.  And I am sure that I could get him to spend a mint in here.  I had a huge savings by now, the money I came down here with I still had minus what I used to buy my car and decorate my apartment. My commission checks were through the roof.  And becoming a store manager was not what I wanted to do.  I wanted to work only 30 no more than 35 hrs a week.  I was doing me in a big way now!

I watched HIM as he toured the store.  I had gotten a feel of what he may have been looking for.  I was curious, was he shopping for his wife, girlfriend?? And great for me he was shopping for his mom. I helped him to find some fab things for her and I played it cool while he stared me up and down.  By now I had learned how to flirt, play coy, shy, vocal, aggressive and outgoing. I was mastering being a woman.  I was reading all these magazines and books that flooded me with so much knowledge because my mother had not taught me anything.  I paid attention to the ladies and girls at my job and those who came into the store.  They all seemed so regal and educated the men were very attracted to them.  And that is what I wanted. But I also wanted to be this sexy siren I was pulled between the two. 

His name was Byron, and he had asked me if I would go out to dinner with him after work.  I of course accepted his invitation.  This was the first man that came to my job that I had accepted an invitation to go out and have dinner with.   Besides this man smelled like new money, talked like money, walked like money and seemed to be rich in smarts and intelligence. Like he knew something or had something for me.  And he did…..

Byron didn’t tell me what he had done for a living on our first date. But I can tell you this that he spoiled me rotten!  I could afford to buy the designer handbags and shoes I just went for the outlets, the bargain basement sale rack stuff where I could get it waaay below retail.  It may have had a little something wrong with it or a flaw. But to me it was fixable and I could make it work.  The only things I wore that were not flawed or throwbacks were from Channel because it was required that we wore the clothes from there.  And I won so many contest that I had begun to get certificates for the store and things for free. But still making the money I was making, I was shrewd in spending, and spending $5,000 on a blouse or skirt was not in my budget.

Byron took me on weekend getaways, kept me in the hottest clothes. I had learned to be sexy on the weekends.  And classy sophisticated at work.  And sex with Byron was wonderful!!!! He understood and loved my insatiable appetite for it.

After three months Byron wanted me to move out of my small cozy beach house and moved me into a luxury condo right on the water in Marina Del Rey.  You could put my apartment in the living room alone.  Byron had me sale all of my furniture and bought me everything brand new!!! The money that I got from selling everything I had put a new sound system in my car and had gotten it painted.  I was in heaven, all I had to do was open my mouth or even think about it and Byron would get it immediately! I now had the sexy shoes, the sleazy shoes, the classy shoes!  Hell my second bedroom was nothing but my closet! It housed all of my clothes and all of my shoes.  Did I forget to mention that Byron had bought me a three bedroom three bath condo?  Well yes!

Byron had taken me to some places I had never gone before. My first peep show strip clubs, after hour joints.  He showed me the seedy side and the upscale side of the sex world which I was attracted to.  Byron wanted to try swinging with me and I was down with it, it was my first time being with a woman and I loved it!  Byron told me that if I was attracted to any man there or woman and I wanted to have sex with them I could as long as it was protected.  That also included oral sex of any kind.  Byron loved watching me sleep with other men and women. And at times would join me when I was with another woman. However he was very stern in these matters, he did not want me to do this without him and second this would not be something we would do all the time. 

Byron was much older than me he was in his mid to late thirties.  Though he didn’t look it at all he took very good care of himself.  Byron barely drank, he didn’t do drugs except smoke a joint here and there and to me that wasn’t heavy drugs.  Nothing close to what my mother had done or the people I had met when I had first gotten here.

For my twenty-first birthday Byron took me on my first trip out of the states. We went to Brazil and did some real kinky things there.  And when I came back he had bought me a new car! All the things that Byron had done for me had not made me fall in love with him.  And I am not sure he was in love with me.  He gave me room to do me and be me and the person I had wanted to be and that I loved about him. 

It was one night that Byron had taken me to this huge mansion party in Brentwood.  There was food, liquor, drugs evvvveerywheeere! There were also a lot of knotty things going on in each room of the house. And it was here that I had found out what and how Byron made his money. He produced and owned his own adult porn movie company. Anyone and everyone knew who he was except for me. And it seemed I was in the dark.  I had to act as if I knew what and who Byron was.  But how I caught on because there were girls coming up to me asking me was he looking for new girls for his next movie and if I could hook them up.  And when I told people that we were dating that would give me the “Ohhhh” look face.  And there was something suspicious about that face and the way they said it.  

As I walked around the mansion, I had soon found out it belonged to Byron, it was one of many homes he had.  And I ran into plenty of men and women who had been in his movies.  And some men and women whose faces I had recognized from some adult films I had watched and owned.  And trust I had seen a sleuth of them! As I walked around and asked questions or talked to people and didn’t reveal who I was I got more info that way.  I wasn’t hurt or bothered by what Byron had done for a living I was just wondering why he hadn’t told me about it before. 

When I went outside to the pool, I found out that there was a movie being filmed inside of the guesthouse! Me being me and curious as hell I wanted to see it and also see if Byron was in there because I hadn’t seen him  since we had gotten here.  He knew that I would be okay and let me alone to my own devices knowing that I would be nosey and roam the house. 

When I walked into the guesthouse there were camera men, bright lights, cables and cords all over the place.  There was a make-up artist there doing the make-up of a woman sitting to the side in the living room.  I was in awe, they were making movies! Dirty movies! Porn!!!

I sat there and watched as all of the taping and scenes went on and on.  I was so turned on by it all.  And then Byron had saw me and pulled me to the side and asked me if I had wanted to be in a scene and he would pay me.  I jumped at the chance!



I wasn’t quite acting and yet I was.  But to have all these people watching me while I was having sex was a turn on!!! And the guy I was with was hella sexy and finnnnne!!!! I am a noisy talk a lotta crap and tell you what I like and ask you what you like and love to get it on type chick. And they were mad because I mad him climax toooo quickly!  Byron laughed, “Now you guys know what I go through.  She gets in your head and knows how to work those walls and mouth! And she stays wet!”

For twenty minutes of pure pleasure and one more scene Byron had gave me $2,000! I never made money like this before! Not in just a couple of hours if that! I now wanted to see what this life was all about. And Byron had no qualms in sharing it.  Little did I know at the time that all of this was a huge set up!!

The money Byron spent on me was nothing to him.  Byron had so much he invested in and so many companies under his adult entertainment umbrella.  Toys, clothes, movies, shoes, etc., etc., he was a millionaire three times over.  And anything he did people were quick to buy stocks and shares in his company.  Byron could make a movie and make a male and female star quick.  He was famous for bringing a lot of serious hot girls out in the business and making them rich and famous in the porn world.  And he was very particular of who he had invested that type of money in. Not everyone could be a porn star.  But a lot of women were hoping they could be the next one.  Little did I know I was being groomed to be the next star!

I had agreed to a year contract and Byron would also double as my manager.  I would make between $2,000 to $3,500 a scene depending on what the scene was involving.  Byron did what I referred to as high class porn. It wasn’t cheap, the porn actors and actresses were all attractive and sexy.  The movies were all shot in beautiful homes, hotels.  And a lot of them were shot at his mansion.  He would just change the scenery i.e. furniture, paintings, comforters, lamps etc., Truth be told I was very excited about doing the movies.  And glad that I was the chosen one, or so I had thought.

After doing three movies all of the men and women were just taken away with my skills in bed.  Which is why Byron had no problem in letting me do the movies in the first place?  He told me that he wanted people to experience the raw hot energy and super skills I had and how I worked everything I did and liked and wanted to do in bed. 

Byron had decided to make me a PORN STAR! Little did I know that this was all planned from the very beginning. The gifts, the money, the condo, car, shopping. It was his way of buttering me up and it worked I will say that.

Byron launched a full campaign solely around me.  Byron set me up to take this very provocative photo shoot.  My picture was on each and every porn site you could imagine promoting the “Launch of a new and hot porn star” I went by the name of “Daring Angel” Byron gave me acting classes, taught me how to speak in front of large crowds and how to woo reporters.  I had a full make-over transformation. My hair was streaked and highlighted and I had extensions added.  My make-up of course was heavy for photo shoots and interviews.  I was in every porn mag, porn site, and on the main website telling everyone about me.  I was excited!  When I did my very own first video it was promoted and marketed perfect.  The response was astronomical!!! Byron knew he had made the right choice! And every male porn actor wanted to work with me because I gave a hundred percent in my performances.  Byron didn’t want me to burn out quick.  So I only did three movies a month. This was set for DVD release.  That entailed me to do five scenes in one day.  And of course there were other actors that filled in the rest of the movies so that there would at least be two to three hours of adult footage.

I was enjoying the attention, the mad love I was getting.  The press and anytime I went to any adult toy stores, strip clubs, or anything connected to the adult world I was noticed and asked for my autograph.



Of course I had quit my job at Channel once I had really seen the money I was making doing porn. For the first three months I truly and dearly lived a double life.  Unlike the one I was living before.  Conservative sophisticated when I worked for Channel and the slutty sexy spunky on my off time.  This was a huge change a different life!

I made wonderful money and very good money working at Channel.  Byron understood that and knew that I loved making money.  But he told me in three months I would change my mind once those checks started coming in, and lo and behold he was right!! In three months I had enough money from Channel and enough money to go ahead and live the good life.  This was to quit Channel and do me!! I traveled, I shopped, I went to cafes and had coffee and read books, and I educated myself on so many things and studied. I lived the life of a movie star.  Spas, matinees, happy hours, cocktails, I partied with the best and ate the best! I had met so so soooo many people.  Byron took me everywhere it seemed and people that I met seemed to fall instantly in love with me.   They asked if they could take pictures with me,  invited me to all sort of parties.  It was fab!! Byron made sure that I met all the right people and that I was at any and all events promoting the company and my movies.

My cell phone number stayed the same I had never changed it when Manny had left.  However when Manny left I had deleted his number and all text messages from him and to him from my phone.  I no longer remembered his number by heart anymore.  I was over him like I was over my mother.  I truly had moved on and up in life and had nowhere to go but up as far as I was concerned. 


I was just getting out of the tub I had a fantastic workout with my personal trainer and was about to have a cold glass of green tea.  I loved sitting on my balcony and looking over the harbor at all of the boats and the ocean slash marina.  As I brought my tea outside and sat my cell phone down on the table, my cell phone had rung. I didn’t recognize the number but I always answered any numbers that were not locked in my phone.  And to my surprise it was Manny!  How shocked I was when I had heard his voice!  My stomach did all types of flip flops and fell to the bottom of my feet it seems and I had a huge lump in my throat. My eyes started to sting.  But I cleared my throat and put on a happy face and voice.  I was cheery, Manny wanted to meet up and talk.  For me that was a no-no.  There was no way that I could have him back at this point in time of my life.  A year was approaching of the day he left.  And my life had changed drastically!  I was now on the cover of DVD covers and porn magazines.  I was a star in the seedy world of adult entertainment and I loved what I did for a living and I loved the life I was living.


I was hurt and I could hear the hurt in Manny’s voice.  But he begged and begged to see me.  And I finally told him what I had done and was doing.  He told me he knew he had seen me in a movie.  I was shocked, but why did he want to still see me was the question.


I had three scenes to shoot that afternoon, and I had to get my head right for that.  Manny had truly got me out of focus with his phone call. Today we were shooting in the valley at this posh mansion in Encino.  The weather was nice and beautiful.  A scene was to be shot by the pool and inside of the pool house, bathroom and bedroom.  This was the day that I had had my first drink!  I hated the taste of alcohol so I had to have fruity drinks, now being the “star” now I was treated a whole lot different than the others.  I didn’t act out or look down on them I treated everyone as my equal. I refused to have a big head with the people I worked with.  When I left my job is when I was playing the role of Ms. High-Class and I hob knobbed with those who made millions in any industry.  Because I could go and play where they went and played.


The Strawberry daiquiri I had was great and hit the spot.  I had two of them and they relaxed me perfectly!  I shot my scenes, took a hot shower and I met Manny at a local restaurant not far from where I had done the movie.  I was nervous and the buzz I had from the drinks had now worn off.  I didn’t want to get another drink while waiting because alcohol really wasn’t for me.  Nor any other drug that I had seen some of the people on set use.  They were so out in the open with it.  At first I was so offended by what they were doing, but had begun to ignore it.  I felt drugs and alcohol were for weak people. Which is why I hated that I had the two drinks before I shot my scenes;


Manny walked in and looked bad, like he had been going through it!! My heart instantly had softened for him.  As he sat down I made sure he ate, I wasn’t hungry.  I didn’t eat until the closing of the evening anyways.  And it wasn’t quite 4 p.m. yet.  I always ate my last meal before 6 or 6:30. 


Manny had told me that he had left California and had went back home to where he was raised and had buried his mother, father, Uncle, sister and nephew from a fire that had occurred when his parents had a dinner in their home.  And his sister, nephew and uncle had stayed the weekend.  Even though Manny had a tumultuous relationship with his parents, he was very close to his sister her son and his uncle.  He was devastated!  He stayed there for two months until the estate was settled figuring he was getting nothing from it, since there was no will that had been written which he was told there was one excluding him of anything.  It was burned up in the fire and there was never a copy submitted to a lawyer.  And since there were no other heirs but his sister whom had died he had everything!  The money from the fire and life insurance and his parents had monies saved up in retirement, and other resources. 


Manny said that he was bored one night and lonely and that is when he had went to his local video shop and went into the adult section looking for a movie and spotted me on the cover of a DVD.  He grabbed it and said he rushed home to see it.  Manny told me that he was floored and speechless!  But wasn’t surprised at my performance, Manny had asked me if I could get him into the business!  I was very shocked!  I told him I had to think about it and also asked him why.  Bu I knew why.  Manny to me was on the edge and verge of neglect and hurt and he felt this would be an escape.  And I wasn’t comfortable with him in this arena.  But he wanted it bad. 


I had invited Manny to my condo told him to get some rest and he could kick back here for a few days.  I told him he looked like crap.  So the first two days he slept and slept.  He had money so he went to a spa, went to the barber.  Bought some new clothes and had begun a work out regiment.  For me I had to be sure that I had a lifestyle that was healthy.  I ate right, I worked out on a regular basis and I made sure I got appropriate sleep.  I partied of course, but my body was important and Byron stressed that it was important and that if I let myself go I would find myself doing D list movies and I would get paid a crack head salary for each scene I did.  And I couldn’t have that. And besides that I would be released from my contract with him and the life I was so accustomed to would all be gone!


Of course since I had started doing movies our relationship had changed, we went from lovers all the time to more business partners and having sex here and there.  Besides the lovers I had on set, Byron was the only “real lover” I had off of the set.  I wasn’t yet comfortable with having a boyfriend or really dating because if what I did for a living.  How do you explain that to someone? How do you maintain a relationship with a person and they not see you as a hoar? Though Byron treated me with respect and still made sure I was taken care of properly he never made me feel less of a person.


Life went on for me as usual.  And Manny got an apartment not far from me.  It took him about a month to get his act together.  I didn’t promise him anything but I set up a meeting with Byron, well it turned out that Byron was impressed and floored by Manny and said he had the “look” he was looking for.  He tested Manny as he did for all of his actors making sure they were all disease free.  I wasn’t a happy camper at all that there could possibly be scenes between Manny and I.  So I asked Byron if he could partner Manny up with the other actors and not me. There was no way that I wanted to do a scene or scenes with Manny my ex and first love!  And the man that walked out on me and broke my heart!







The more and more movies I did the more comfortable I got in my skin.  My fame grew and I had gotten nominated for awards for my movies!  They actually have award ceremonies for best scenes in the industry like they do for the Emmy’s and Tony awards.  I had won five my first year out! And I had also had a new man in my life and was in love.  I was happy!


Fame had gotten me to a lot of places in my life.  I had now purchased my first real home.  The condo really wasn’t mine.  Not like I thought it was anyways.  It was Byron’s, but I found a terrific mini mansion in Encino!  It was beautiful there and I lived in a gated community where people minded their own business.  A five bedroom house with five bedrooms and a guest house, pool, Jacuzzi and a beautiful cabana and pool house. Collins and I were very much in love, but I wasn’t quite ready for a live in lover or boyfriend.  I had moved waaay too fast with Manny.  Or so I felt. 


It was really before I had gotten deeply involved with Collin that he had told me I should go back to school and get some formal business knowledge and training.  I had agreed.  He helped me study and kept me encouraged, “What porn star you know has a degree?”  He was right I didn’t know any.  And I wasn’t sure that Byron had any former schooling.  I was now in my second year of school and Collins was teaching me so many new things.  Of course in the porn world I was still a young chicken.  It was better for me to be twenty and not going on twenty-two.  Manny was enjoying his new career and getting caught up in parties, drugs and drinking.  So that had separated us a lot.  I lived a totally clean life.


Collins had taught me how to take my fame and use it to my advantage.  I had with his help built a website that sold T-shirts with my name and face on them. We had found some designers that made clothes, toys, and so much more with my “name brand” so this gave me an extra edge and more money in my pocket. I had even written a book on my techniques which did exceptionally well!


  My contract was over with Byron but I renewed it for another two years and had Collins now as my manager. I was now being paid double than before to make guest appearances and of course   I had gotten a pay increase for every movie I had done! Which Byron had no qualms about because I was still his “box office hit” I was on what I felt a great place to be in.  And constantly up for anything inventive and new to market me as a household name well for the adult entertainment business that is.


In six more months I had to hire an accountant and I had also gotten my degree in business.  I was moving forward and things were getting very serious between Collins and me. He had asked me to marry him.  And it was that day that he did I was the happiest women in the world!  Two weeks after he asked me he moved in with me.  Collins now handled my touring dates, book deals, contracts and endorsements.  He kept me sane and centered and was by my side as much as he could be watching my back like a hawk! And I loved him for that.


We had planned a huge wedding! Even though my family would not be there Collins family did not know what I truly did for a living. They were very clean cut straight laced people.  Collins told them I was a lingerie model which was hilarious to me. And that I was a sex counselor.  They bought it hook line and sinker.  I mean we had now been together for a year and a half and no one was still the wiser.  Collins still had his own personal business in real estate which I had come now to invest in. We bought pre-foreclosed homes and ones that needed to be rehabbed badly fixed them up and rented them out because the market was still bad in selling and buying homes.  But for those who wanted to buy the homes of course we sold it to them.


Collins and I got married on the beach in Malibu, the wedding was perfect! I could not have gotten married in a church because I felt I would have been struck by lightening or caught on fire like a vampire at the alter! I couldn’t watch any thing on TV that talked about God or Jesus because of the guilt I felt.  It was sad but this was now my life and I had to deal with it.  And for right now I was making big money and I wanted to keep that money coming in!


Life was going very well for Collins and me.  I was indeed a happy camper and a happy wife.  We made great business partners, we made perfect lovers, and I enjoyed cooking and cleaning when I could.  We took wonderful vacations and spent as much time as we could with each other because we had very hectic schedules.  Of course not everything was perfect and we had our issues here and there.  What couples don’t?  But in the end we worked it out and waited until we cooled off and then we talked about it.


Collins wanted me to continue my education and go for my Bachelors and I promised that I would do that.  So I stayed in school, and so did he.  Collins was three years older than me and came from a very solid family and upbringing.  I always felt the love when I was around his family.  Collins knew about my upbringing and never put me down for my mother or what I did for a living.  Truth be told I was his fantasy and Collins was my sex slave.  I ruled the bedroom and he ruled the finances.





I had gotten a call at 3 a.m. it was from Benita.  Manny was found dead in his condo from a heroine overdose.  I hadn’t seen or spoken to Manny since he had really started the business, he dove into the lifestyle of drugs right off.  It was no secret, when it had gotten to be real bad Byron had released him from his contract and he had started doing gay porn and that had him spiral out of control and he had graduated to the heroine.  Of course all of this was told to me.  He was also taking Viagra! The gay men thing was not his cup of tea but he had to pay for his habits and he had ran through all that money he had gotten from his parents estates from living the so-called high life and party scene. I was truly saddened by the way things had gone down for Manny he was a sharp and talented man.  And too many hurts to count.


I couldn’t attend Manny’s funeral, I went to the viewing of his body that was all I could do.  And he looked horrible.  All the needle tracks in his neck, I am sure that there were some all over his arms, legs and God knows where else.  He had bags and dark circles under his eyes even in death his body wasn’t fully rested. His skin looked like rubber.  And he was three times darker than his normal complexion.  I cried and cried until I had gotten it out of my system.


Shortly after Manny died, two weeks later Byron had gotten robbed as he was walking up to his front door.  He was in critical condition he stayed in ICU for three weeks.  He suffered from a concussion to the head he had been stabbed in the back three times and in the chest seven.  All of them missing his vital organs!  Luck to me had nothing to do with it.  I don’t know what to call it.  It was a robbery but the funny thing and not ha ha funny was that Byron lived in a gated community so how is it that someone got in?  So we all knew right there it had to be a hit of some sort. 


Three weeks go by and Byron was seemingly coming around.  But he died in his sleep.  It was a sad and crazy time for all of us.  Here it was the sadness of Byron getting hurt then he suddenly dies.  And now we are all concerned about our lively hoods.  About the company about the business, and how are we going to get paid.  It was too many headaches to recall and count.  Byron made the front page though and was the talk of tinsel town for at least six months with all the legal battles and money laundering and all his dirt coming to the surface.  Byron owed a lot of people and was in debt.  And Byron owed the wrong people.  Collins told me that I had to lay really low and not be in the limelight like the rest of the actors.  And that he would handle everything.  It was still a secret to his family what I really done for a living and they were news watchers and newspaper readers. They were following this very close and were extremely inquisitive and interested as the sorted details unraveled.  I was just like everyone else.  I had no idea that Byron was transporting drugs.  And it was said that a drug king had set him up.  It was eventually found out that the person who had robbed and assaulted him did come in the house and had gone into the safe, his desk drawers and it seemed to know places that only Byron should have known of.  But this “person” knew every safe and the combinations to all the safes.  Still there is no exact papers or letters that the police can say are missing.  Only Byron would know all of that.  However every safe in the home was opened and left opened. 


Byron was way over his head!  The warehouse that kept his adult movies was the same warehouse that housed the drugs.  There was even mafia ties.  This was so deep it had my head swimming.  But Collins was on the job with a top flight attorney and had the attorney step up and put a halt on a lot of things so that a lot of identities were kept under wraps. It was the brash non-stars that were making all the raucous accusations just to get publicity.  It took a year to settle Byron’s estate, and with that I got every DVD movie I had been in and a huge hefty check in the end!


Collins had a great idea he wanted us to start our own production company in the adult entertainment world.  I was still a “porn star” and we had the brain power, the brawn and the beauty, me! I was down for it.  So we got started with hiring camera men, looking for new faces to enter into the world.  There was so much that we had to do.  Collins wanted to make sure everything stayed classy and top-notch.  There was a lot of work.  It took us three months before we were able to make a movie, and what a movie it was!  I had a great time I will admit doing this movie! And this movie put me out there and even more on the map and I was nominated for ten awards that year and out of the ten I won seven!  It was a proud moment for Collins and me! Collins was acknowledged as a newcomer in producing new films in the adult industry.  We took it a step further we went back to the days of the 70’s brought some 80’s in and gave it all a new millennium flair!! We done a fantastic job!


Collins of course wanted me to be the star still, and so I was.  However he wanted a great leading man.  And we found one in James.  He chose the name “Buckwyld” He was great and all the girls wanted to be in a scene with him.  So of course I was in a lot of scenes with him to put him out there on the map.  Then he was with other young starlets.  Our goal was to push out seven movies that month we had hired a wonderful young man who was great in PR.  He made sure that every movie got special attention.  He made up all types of promotional venues.  Contest, free movies, free gifts, free T-shirts, come and have lunch and a date with one of the stars.  He was simply fantastic and the more work and promoting he did the more money he made for our company.  The better bonuses he got.






I had decided that it was time to bring a new starlet on the scene.  Collins had agreed with me.  I had been in the business now for five years.  I was now twenty-four years old and of course they seen my as twenty-two.  I didn’t have burn out yet, but I wanted a girlfriend, and my husband was ready for it as well.  We had talked about it and I had chosen who I wanted.  She would be my GF on screen and off. 


“Chastity Fantasy” her stage name, and she did very well.  Of course there was a lot of formal training before she got in front of a camera and we promoted and marketed her to our customers before she actually came out! At this time there were the porn conventions so she was with me at every last one of them. She enjoyed being in the lime light.  And this worked out well for all parties involved.


Chastity lived with us, and it was a written rule you could say that she was to not have any outside interest.  It was me and Collins only.  Collins was not to be with her unless I was there.  And I was to not to be with her unless he was there.  So it worked out this way for awhile.


After a year of this arrangement Collins had left for a trip and when he came back he seemed to be in a funk.  I left him alone continuing with work and giving him his space.  Little did I know that Collins was planning his move and that was to be with Chastity.  They were seeing each other behind my back.  And once I had got wind of it was when I had started putting my priorities straight, as hurt as I was.  I knew not to trust anyone fully, I never had.  I always had my own attorney’s, accountants.  And I watched my own money.  I learned a lot, and Byron had let me know this and how much of a sucker I truly was when I jumped into the business and how he had lured me into the business.  And no one was the wiser.  Everything I had thought I owned was actually his! So my house, cars, this production company, the houses I bought and flipped I made sure they were all in my name.  Collins thought everything was his. 


I paid close attention to all the words that came out of his mouth.  Collins had opened my eyes up about Byron that I was basically a paid hoar and that Byron had suckered me into being in porn.  That he had scouted me out when I was working at Channels on Rodeo Drive.  From the elaborate meals, to the clothes and condo.  He pimped me to make him money.  And when I looked back on it all Collins was telling the truth. But since Collins had opened me up and told me so much, I made sure that I watched my back and my moves.  I will admit that I had solely entrusted Collins with everything of mine.  It was my attorney that had told me he had seen this many times before.  Actors, singers and so forth are in love and their spouses become their managers and a lot of them are taken for everything they have or had all because they were in “love” It weighed heavy on my mind for a long time.  My heart and mind wanted to trust Collins it really did.  But when I started to see the same things in him that I saw in Byron it was when I had taken my attorneys advice.  And I made sure I got my own accountant and handled my own finances.  I slowly deliberately took little by little from Collins. Letting him be the CEO of the Adult film company we had.  But I had bought a lot of shares in the company so I had the real control of my brand name, me and what I did.  I wasn’t going to keep laying on my back for nothing.  I wanted to continue to make money and be set for an early retirement! A lot of my monies went into all sorts of retirement plans, short-term and long term disability. 


I had even managed to finish school with my bachelors and I wasn’t going to stop there!  I was going to move on  to my Masters.  I will give Collins a high five for that, he made sure that I educated myself and that it was important to learn the business and take care of myself in case he couldn’t do it.  Boy was he ever right! Plus when I had first got to California I never told a lot of my business and was very leery of others and even though I loved Collin and Manny for that fact.  Something about money and hoarding it was my ODC because of what and how I had to get it to eat.  And since I had to steal it, no one could take full control of my money.  I wanted love because I never had it, and I wanted attention because I never got it.


I was still young and I had at least three more years in this business if I kept reinventing myself and bringing in fresh and new faces to make me look good and serve me.  And that is what I had been doing and continued to do.  I had another book coming out.  A “How to..” DVD coming out.  I also had more clothes, shoes and toys I was working on to put out there for sale.  So I was going to be okay.  And so was Collins, but little did he know he would be working for me! Unless he just wanted to flip house the rest of his life.



I had noticed that Chastity was being really nice and fawning all over me.  I wanted to choke her, hurt her, curse her out!  It took everything for me not to say anything and for them to think I was a dumb bytch! But being in this business I had learned a lot and I had learned a lot fast! So I was not going to let them see me sweat. 


I let Chastity buy my food, fill my tank up, take me shopping.  And when she took me anywhere I made sure she was broke when we went out. When she would leave the house I would go into her room and snoop.  And her not being smart she left a lot of evidence behind in regards to my husband.  Love notes, cards, and there were boxes of with clothes inside of them; gifts from Collins to her.  I had went inside of her drawer and found quite a bit of info, the note of him wanting a divorce from me and how he would have the house and the business.  She wouldn’t ever have to work again.  But if she did he would make her a superstar and she would have a sleuth of money to burn! He told her he was no longer in love with me and the sight of me repulsed him!  I was hurt, and as I read this letter my heart cringed, my heart hurt and I cried and cried.  But I kept that letter it was my ticket to freedom.



I had made up a lie and told Collins and Chastity that we all would need to get a hotel room to stay a week because I was told them that there was a serious termite problem.  And that I had thought I saw a mouse in the house.  I told Chastity and Collins to get us all a suite.  Well I let the love birds stay in the suite pretty much the whole week because “supposedly” that was how long the house had to stay tented and be exterminated. 


I called a moving company and had them pack up all of Chastity and Collins things. I had them moved to a storage facility in Collins name.  I changed the locks and the codes to my home alarm.  And I let the security guards know at the gate that Chastity and Collins were not permitted on the property.  I had gotten a restraining order on my home.  My home because it was in my name and Collins was not going to take it! It took a month to get everything completely straight before I had made all these moves.  My attorney helped me along the way. He told me step by step what I should do.  So me lying and saying that the house had to be exterminated was the last part of my plan after all my loose ends were tied up. 


I served Collins divorce papers the last day they were in the suite and yes the letter I had found in Chastity’s drawer worked against him and her.  When Collins called me I was in the hotel making sure that the server had served him the papers.  When I  answered the phone I told him everything he needed to know. His and her stuff were out of the house and where it was, codes and locks had been changed.  And I would see him in court.  There was nothing else to be said. And with that I hung up the phone.  And then I called and had all my phone numbers changed.  From home office and  my cell. 


It was very hard to come home.  I still felt their energy and I could hear Collins laughing it seems through the halls.  I could feel him hugging and kissing me. There were tons of fabulous memories in this house.  I instantly got depressed and before we were to go to trail for our divorce I took a two week vacation.  I had just shot a movie and I had rehabbed a couple of old abandoned houses in Venice Beach.  I asked my assistant if she would stay in my house while I was away and let me know if anything happened or needed my attention.  And I hopped on a plane and went to Hawaii!


When I got to Hawaii I stayed in my room and cried for the first two days.  I cried until I made myself sick and my head was heavy along with my heart.  I didn’t eat, and then after I got up the second day of my depression I pulled the heavy curtains back on my suite and saw how truly and dearly beautiful Hawaii was.  I took a hot relaxing bath and I opened the sliding door to the balcony and I let the cool breeze float in.  I ordered up some cranberry juice and made sure I was at the next Lau au. I was feeling good or a little better and had refused to be in a depressed funk, I was on a beautiful island and I wanted to enjoy all of it!


Two weeks were a blur, some of it was anyways.  I got drunk it seemed every night on a concoction of fruity drinks.  I clubbed and danced, slept with too many men and women to recall.  I shopped at too many places and bought so much stuff, I do remember shipping it back home.  But I do remember having a blast!! I still cried like a big baby here and there and I do remember a vacationer that I had spent a lot of my time with I broke down crying on him. I will say that he was a huge comfort to me in my time of need.  He gave me his card and I gave him my “real estate” card I didn’t tell him what it was I truly did for a living and no one knew who I was. Which I was grateful for that and I didn’t want anyone to know who I was.  Even though they did hold the adult porn conventions here and I had come to promote myself and the company three times.  Most of the people I met were just into having a good time and that was it.  So it didn’t truly matter that I was part owner of an adult movie business and a lead porn star that had won many awards for having the “best sex scene” I was me, just simple plain ole me.  And I liked that. I hadn’t realized how this business had sucked me dry like a dying vampire weak for new blood.



When I got back home a week from the day I landed I would be in divorce court with Collins. And I had a lot to do before I went to divorce court.  I had hired a new team of promoters and a manger three months ago.  So I had to make sure that my ducks were in a row with getting this new movie out.  And make sure that the new star who was a very sexy leading man got out there and made his rounds.  I of course went on a few tour dates but I didn’t want to be worn out because I felt this trial would be long and tedious.  Even though my attorney told me not to worry he was going to cover my back and every loop hole and any crack.


When Collins came to court he looked tired but that was not my concern.  I was glad that he didn’t bring Chastity.  His lawyer probably advised him not to have her with him.  I never once looked his way through the trial.  It seems we were in there forever we had to take a break because his lawyer kept arguing about small silly things.  But my attorney was on top of everything and had provided so much evidence including the letter that stated he would get and have everything that I had.  When Collins realized he really wasn’t in full control of the company we had started together and that I had bought a lot of shares in the company which made me have the last word on any decision that was made because I was the board he was crushed. At the end of the day all he owned was the cars he bought and the houses he had purchased flipped and rehabbed.  Nothing else!  I walked out a free young woman and a hurt one, I had won my case!


Three weeks after our divorce Collins turned over his resignation papers.  And I was sole owner of Angel Productions.  Chastity left Collins and from what I heard went to our competitor which nowhere near made as much money as we did or had the star power and make top notch movies like we did.  It was actually a step down.






It was a lot of work running Angel Productions.  And I knew now that I was addicted to having sex.  I craved it like a alcoholic craved liquor.  I felt loved when I did my scenes, I felt needed and wanted.  And I put my whole being and gave my all in every scene.


Of course I hired more staff to assist me in making sure that the day to day ran smoothly.  I had a crush on my leading man and always made sure I at least did one scene with him.  The scenes I did got raunchier and over the top! I would go home at night and have a couple of my fruity drinks and I would start writing a story line.  The directors and other writers were taken back by some of the things I came up with.  But they all loved it.  To me it seemed my creative juices came when I would drink.  But I had started to realize that I was drinking a bit much, so I had discovered smoking a joint really didn’t hurt anybody.  And I was a closet smoker.  I smoked by myself and never around anyone or with anyone.  It relaxed me put me to sleep when I couldn’t sleep.  And it boosted my creativity! And sex was great when I was high!


I was ready for something new and wanted to move out of my old house.  I was now turning twenty-six and I felt as if I was much older.  Like I had been through a lifetime already! I put my house up for sale and found me another mini mansion near the beach in Malibu.  I loved the house. It had hardwood floors, lots of windows and a big beautiful pool that seemed as if it was on the edge of a mountain.  Because I actually lived on a hill it seemed that my pool was on the very edge of the world, well my backyard.  I had five bedrooms, maid’s quarters and six bathrooms.  A culinary kitchen and a fireplace in my room, the living room and in my office.  I loved the black parquet flooring that were in the house.  Jacuzzi and a small pool house.  I didn’t have as much property or shall I say land as I had in the last house.  But this house had more square footage than the last one.  My master bedroom was huge! And it was all white!!! It gave me a clean feel with the Jacuzzi spa tub!  I was in heaven.


Since I was more secluded, I had planned to throw a lot of gatherings and parties in this house and even do some scenes from outta my house as soon as I got it the way I wanted.


I had actually held a casting to build up another young and up and coming since Chastity had left.  I was always hiring men and women to star in our production only because I didn’t want our viewers to get sick of seeing the same faces.  Our viewers let us know who they liked and I had an eye for who I thought put on a “good show” So of course they were in other movies.  They gave great performances.


I had taken off from making movies for my fall semester back in school.  I was working on my Masters degree and I wanted to throw myself into studying hard.  I was okay with the work I had completed I had done enough scenes to put in three movies.  Plus I had done two full featured movies with just me and of course costars.  My first month back to work was just that! Work lust and feeding my addiction for sex that I now craved so much. Love.



School work and work and school.  I was doing too much and so much.  I was still buying property and I was still rehabbing and flipping houses.  Too much toooo much on my plate!! And school seemed as if it was harder, maybe because I was tired all the damn time.  And then it seemed as if it wasn’t one thing there was another with Angel Productions.  I had heard that Collins was trying to get in touch with me and that struck a weird nervous cord within side of me that I didn’t like.  So I decided to throw a party at my new home.  It was decorated and finished.  And I had been there six months. 


I had my assistant send the invites out and called it a “Freaky Housewarming” Well there were well over three hundred invites sent out and more likely than not there would only be a little over a hundred and fifty people that would show up.  We had it catered and hired plenty of staff to handle the needs of my guest.  This would be the very first party I have ever thrown in my home. 


I had my party start at midnight and my guest had actually brought me gifts for my home.  I was grateful.  The DJ was excellent he kept the party jumping, and the food was simply wonderful! Once my guest got liquored and some did their personal stash of whatever, the party got into full swing.  I of course went and had a joint by myself slipping away spraying myself with some body spray and dousing my eyes with visine.  I had a pina colada.  It was when Mark a guy I was real cool with said I have something for you, and asked me to open my mouth and close my eyes.  I did, and he placed something on my tongue and told me to hurry up and swallow.  I did.  I was high and slightly drunk! Who cared at this point.  My guests were in the pool naked having sex, in the pool house lounge chairs, and inside the house! 


In about thirty minutes I started to get this funny feeling in my stomach like butterflies, like I was about to get on a rollercoaster ride.  But it felt good! And the feeling had consumed me, I felt like I was walking on clouds and so free and extremely beautiful!  I felt as if the music was coming from inside of me.  I was talkative, I wanted to dance and touch everyone and kiss on people…I felt simply electric! It felt good to touch others and for others to touch me.  I knew it had to be from the pill Mark had given me earlier.  This pill was simply euphoric!!!


After talking to as many people and dancing with so many people I joined in with all the other festivities!! And it was the best sex I ever had!!! I was told how much I was loved and appreciated and I felt all the love from all of my guest and the ones I was having sex with it was simply marvelous.  At the end of the party the best sex and love making I had was with Mark, and here was a man that I felt had turned me out and not one man had done that to me yet! Not even Collins! I had sex like that in my life! And Mark and I had at it until almost noon due to the fact that my party had not gotten started until midnight and I hadn’t felt the effect of the pill until maybe 4a.m.


I found out the drug was called ecstasy!  And I had heard about it from a lot of people, I remembered when I had first gotten to Cali how the new people I had met were doing it and had raved about it.  I was scared to take any drugs and here I was now mad that I had missed out on something so fabulous as this!


My party did not end until 5p.m. that evening! I was far from sleepy and some of my guest were too.  We drank and we danced and I kept having sex with whomever I could.  But Mark was the best all night. I had no idea he was such a hungry and fit lover! I believe I was in love!


I was still a bit amped and hyped from my party.  I of course invited my guest to stay until they were ready to leave and go home.  I don’t recall the exact time I went to bed and I don’t recall the exact time I got up, but Mark was right there with me the whole day, night, afternoon, evening and the next night.  I wasn’t hungry for food just wanted to drink water which is what he highly recommended.  He made sure I got vitamins to replenish my body.  Which I took those anyways but he had me to double up on them.  And I could drink nothing but water today and the next day.


I had made sure my guest had eaten the ones who were hungry before they left, taken a shower and felt refreshed.  I didn’t want to do anything so once I had a nice hot soak in my spa Jacuzzi tub with Mark, after we had finished we went and laid out by the pool and it was very nice and relaxing.  My party was an absolute success!  I had promised to have one at least once a month to unwind.


Mark and I had started to get closer more than what we were before of course.  Mark was a writer slash music producer for a huge record label.  He wrote and produced rap, pop and R&B.  We had a lot in common more than I had with Collins.  We were both the same age and Mark was already a millionaire! He had been in the business since he was seventeen years old and kept pushing and pushing until he got his first big hit! And has been writing and producing for many artist.  What I loved about Mark was he didn’t like or want the limelight at all.  Totally background for him and he didn’t want to sing or rap.  He said that was how you got caught up and lost your identity and got arrogant. Mark was the only one I was comfy in smoking a joint around and with.  Only he knew my secret.  He laughed at me that I hid this from people because he didn’t consider weed a drug.  I did and anything else but it seemed I was beginning to change my mind with a lot of things lately.  And I was doing things that I shouldn’t be.       


I was learning the ends and out of what Mark did for a living and I was also learning to take a load off of myself and start new ventures.  I had opened up an office for my slash rehabbing and real estate business.  I also had hired four people to work in the office and run it.  It took a lot of pressure off of me.  And it gave me time to study, party, play and spend time with Mark which is what I liked to do.  Mark was fab! I mean when he wasn’t in what he calls the “lab” we ate at top notch places and hopped on jets to anywhere my heart desired and stayed for a weekend. 






I was so happy, I mean truly happy.  Mark and I were going strong after a year and I was one semester away from getting my masters degree.  I was proud of myself.  I was living my life like it was life, golden beautiful.  At least that is how I felt.  I didn’t want Mark to move in and I didn’t want to move in with him either.  Once I got burned on something that was a rap!  And marriage was the last thing I had wanted to do anytime soon. 


Mark and I gave parties once a month, we smoked, drank and did X together.  My life was full and busy.  And I was now twenty-six years old and twenty-seven wasn’t far away.  I still loved being a porn star!  And I was still high in demand.  I loved turning out each and every new man that came on to the set thinking he would “handle” me and ended up getting handled because now I was getting high before scenes and depending on my mood I may pop a pill before I do a scene. And it seemed I was getting wilder and wilder I swear with each movie I made.  And when I felt that way and wrote my scenes out I would get another award and that movie would seem to sky rocket through the roof in sales.  Funny. 


I was also learning a lot more of the entertainment world.  And it seemed that our two worlds, Mark and mine had a lot in common. Drama, drugs, partying, traveling, drinking, and most of all sex!! When Mark was in the lab making beats as he called it, I would have my head in some books.  Finals were here and I was pressed real hard to make sure I got A’s on my finals because in some of my classes I was a low B or a high C.  And I wasn’t feeling that at all.


Everything I dealt with or owned had my name in it.  My Adult production company was called Angel Productions. My rental property and Rehabbing slash manager company was called Angel Star Properties.  I loved seeing my name on buildings, my product, my business cards, signs, on the internet.  I loved the fact that you could Google me and see me; that was to me so wonderful!


It felt good to know that I had someone who I felt was truly in love with me, I mean really really truly deeply in love with me.  I didn’t feel as if I was being used, pimped, abused or taken advantage of with Mark.  He always did small thoughtful things for me.  Because he worked and I worked so much he made that he sent flowers to me.  He also would have chocolate cover strawberries or fruit sent to me. Balloons, candy, fruit baskets, wine if he knew he was going to see me later.  He sent me all types of gift cards to go to the spa or to my favorite stores.  He would have lunch or dinner delivered to me.  I mean the things he had done for me were endless!  And the time we spent together was always special and dear to me.  It was the long conversations into the wee hours of the morning, it was the rubbing of my feet, my back or shoulders.  Mark also loved brushing my hair and was a very good braider which I thought was simply adorable.  He told me he had sisters and his mother worked two jobs and he and his sisters would be embarrassed not having their hair combed.  So he learned how to comb hair. 


Mark loved the beach as much as I did.  And to me this is when we would really wind down and let nature talk to us and we would vibe with the oneness of it.  One day as we had decided to sit on the beach and have a little picnic of sorts.  Mark had to run back up to my house to get a few more things we had left on the counter.  I had us all set up on the sand blankets, chairs and umbrella.  I was flipping through a Italian Vogue a very attractive young man spoke and said hi to me.  I spoke back, I thought maybe he was a fan and was about to ask me for my autograph or something.  He was smiling so hard and very happy that he was getting me excited.  Well we had small talk and then he told me the reason why he was so excited, he told me that he had found Jesus Christ and that he was saved.  I really didn’t want to hear about God, a Bible, crosses Heaven or hell.  But his enthusiasm was so damn contagious and he had a beautiful glow about him.  So I sat back and I listened to him.  He had told me a bit of his life story which I found interesting.  He came from a very well off family and lived a high life for most of his life.  However he was repeatedly raped and molested by his very own father and his mother knew about it.  There were times she had even watched.  He spoke of how he tried to kill his father and mother many times by poisoning them but they never died he said he didn’t have the courage to stab them or shoot them.    He spoke of how he had tried to take his own life three times but that didn’t work.  He got on drugs and he hit rock bottom.  It didn’t matter what he did to get them, he was a male prostitute and did some pretty degrading things to get his fix.  It was when he had gotten beaten and was in an alley and he was happy because he felt he was about to die.  That he heard a voice, nothing loud and dramatic, but this voice said to get up and go wash himself off.  He did get up, it took him awhile but he got up.  He then said as soon as he came out of the gas station bathroom there was a man and a woman waiting for him.  They said God had told them to pull up to the gas station and when they saw him they told him to get in.  They had taken him to their home and cleaned him up.  Got him into a drug rehab clinic, took him to see doctors and get his health and life back on track.  They had ministered the Word of God to him and prayed over him and he had forgiven his parents.  When he went back to his parents he said that he had forgiven them but his father only laughed and his mother broke down and cried.  He brought her to Christ, but his dad cursed God and died a week later from a stroke.  He told me everything that had been taken from him had been restored by God.  He was free of drugs, guilt and fear and he and his mother were now ministering the word of God together.  When he told me about the Church he was a pastor over, it was then that it had just hit me! He had a mega church I had caught a couple of services on TV here and there from time to time.  He was always so humble and always spoke of his life and the things he had done.  Well the sermons I saw anyways.  He said it was his gift to reach out to the troubled hearted and the ones in the gutter like he was.  He spoke how he still walked the streets highways and bi-ways to save souls for the Lord.  Well what I did for a living and what I enjoyed doing for a living and all the love and adulation accolades and so much more was wonderful.  And I knew that God did not approve of that. However it was still something about his glow, his smile, the genuineness that came from the inside of him that pulled me to him and I wanted to just walk away and listen to him talk and ask questions.  There was a peace an unexplainable peace and joy that surrounded him. 


He had left after giving me his card and inviting me down to his church to hear a sermon.  He told me that I needed to get there ASAP before it was too late that he saw some dangerous things in my future and the time was nigh.  When he walked away I was shaken up, and chills had consumed my body on a nice warm day.


I thought about what he had said, I really did long and hard.  And I will be lying if I said that guilt had never come across my mind and that I wanted to change my lifestyle and that at times I got depressed and wanted a way out of this life.  But as soon as those thoughts came in I quickly ushered them out because it was the sex, it was the life that I had now that gave me the spoils I have.  If I wasn’t good at anything in this life, I was good great and wonderful in bed and just as I was nose opened and turned out by Mark he was open when it came to me.  And I loved turning out my costars and I got paid big money to do so.  And it was love that I had received that made me feel totally at ease, sometimes. 


Graduation came and I was ecstatic!! I had finally gotten my Maters and I was now twenty-seven years old.  Seemed as if it took me forever to get it but it was a dream come true.  I said that if I went back to school I would give myself a break for two years before I pursued my doctrine.  I was literally burnt out!! I was overwhelmed by a lot these days I was feeling lost and disconnected.  I needed a break I was getting caught up and involved into too much.  So I took a vacation from making movies.  No movies for three months I made a vow that I wouldn’t.  I wanted to focus only on Angel Star Properties and let my office and staff handled the website for Angel Productions.  Of course nothing got done without my approval I just wanted a break from the Adult porn world.  I was beginning to feel now that I had my Masters degree I was so much more than that.  But would I still get and feel the love of that star treatment?


To celebrate Mark and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas.  I was relieved and excited and looked forward to the seven days away from my world. Mark and I had a great time on the cruise and the Bahamas.  Matter of fact we had stayed a week in the Bahamas after the cruise we had loved it that much.  When we got back we chilled out a bit at his home.  I had stayed a few days at his house.  I wasn’t still ready to go home I was proactive though in making sure things got done.  I mean I had my laptop with me all the time.  And my cell phone stayed hot on the side of my face and seemed it had to be recharged every four hours I talked on it so much. My hobby and real passion for turning someone else’s trash into treasure and decorating on a dime had been really good to me.  And this is why I would and could only do three houses a month until now.  Because of the detail and attention I enjoyed in putting into each home.  So when I rented it out already furnished no one minded paying the rent I asked or buying the property.  Most people gave me their old furniture.  And I had a storage unit that I kept it in and when I was burdened or needed a break I would take on a project by refurbishing a piece of furniture, painting, covering pillows or whatever. I recorded my favorite shows on HGTV and DIY.  And I subscribed to the do it yourself magazines and all sort of décor books too.  My office was filled with them it was also another way to relieve myself of daily stress.  And all the decor and furnishings in my home was someone else’s trash.  Of course I bought new things but this is what gave me pride and joy for someone to see a piece in my home and love it and my happiness came in telling them that I refurbished it and what it looked like before. I took pictures of what it looked like before and of course after pictures.


For my graduation and completing my Masters Mark had bought me a new Range Rover.  When I stepped out of my front door there it was sitting with a huge red ribbon on the roof!  I said I had wanted one and was thinking about buying one.  And hear it was he had gotten me one.  I was overjoyed! Of course we christened the car with love making when we made a drive into Malibu and Palos Verdes.  And it was then that Mark said let us throw a party at the house to celebrate.  We hadn’t had one in a couple of months so I was down for it.  We went all and out for this one! Balloons were everywhere we had it decorated like a Mardi gras! Complete with beautiful exotic mask for our guest.  We had it catered by a restaurant that made the best Cajun food.  Crawfish,                                                                 gumbo, jambalaya, crab cakes all the great southern traditions and desserts right from New Orleans! We had our guest wear black, and there were plenty of beads to give away for flashers.  I was excited!! This was going to be a stone cold party!! We had invited well over 500 people! The DJ Mark got was going to be playing Zydeco music all night, New Orleans Jazz and of course request from our guest if they had to hear something else.  But we doubted it. The party was going to start at midnight, something about midnight made everyone show up on time.  Silly but it did.


There were so many people there it was like a madhouse!! Dancing, drinking high on X and God knows what else.  I had made sure that my rooms were ready for people to have sex in because that is what happened at all the parties that we had. Once we had gotten high Mark asked me if he could watch some of his friends do me.  I was surprised by this because I never took Mark as this type, like what I did for a living was just that. He never judged me or asked me to do threesomes or anything of the sort.  But I was down for it.  Little did I know that I would be used and treated as some sex doll! There were ten guys in the room and I was trying my best to service all of them.  When one climaxed the other would jump inside of me and so on and so on.  This went on it seemed for hours with Mark watching pointing and laughing.  I slowly started getting sick and feeling really bad.  And when the last guy got up I got up and stormed out of the room.  I ran into my room and ran a bath I then began to throw up all over the place.  I was literally sick!


I never came out for the rest of the party and Mark never came to look for me or check up on me like he normally did.  I stayed in my room with the doors locked and I stayed in there until I felt at ease to come out.  When I came out the cleaning service I had hired was cleaning up.  There was no sign of any guest still at my home.  It was three in the afternoon, and I was depressed hurt and when I looked in the mirror I looked like raw shyt!  I had no strength or energy to deal with anyone at this point.


However my cell phone kept ringing back to back it was getting on my nerves.  And when I saw that it was my assistant I answered and calmed down because I wasn’t sure if anything had happened or not.  When she spoke she spoke in a rushed manor, she told me that there was a woman there that said she was my mother and that the lady was ranting and raving.  She didn’t want to call the police until I had come down to the office.  I didn’t want to leave to go anywhere.  So I asked my assistant to put her on the phone, and sure enough when I heard her voice it was my mother.  I hadn’t seen or heard her voice in nine years.  And I wasn’t happy hearing it now.  I told my mother that I would be soon on my way. 


I threw some big shades on, pulled my hair back in a lazy ponytail and threw on a long black halter dress.  I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth.  Thank God I had taken a bath last night after the train that was pulled on me by at least twenty guys it seemed.

When I got to my office I told my assistant that she could leave for the day.  I had cleared the office out.  My mother looked like stir fry shy t her damn self! Dark circles and heavy bags under her eyes.  Some of her teeth had fallen out.  The funny thing was she had designer clothes, shoes, glasses and purse. They were old though I remembered when she bought those clothes. 


My mother sized me up and then began to tell me that I was a slut hoar bytch and that I didn’t appreciate her and how I left her and was selfish and never reached out to her.  She ranted and raved and cursed me out so badly.  Told me she knew I was in porn and that she knew some men she could prostitute me out to and make big money and she would get a side cut. She told me she wanted money and she wanted some right now.  I gave her nothing and called the police and they drug her out of my office screaming kicking and fighting.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.  I hoped in my car and I went back home.  I went into my room and took off my clothes and hung them up.  My cell phone was ringing but I wouldn’t answer.  It was going off back to back, and then I started getting text messages.  I finally looked at my phone and when I tell you it took all of my energy to look at it I sincerely mean that! I had cried all the way home from the episode in dealing with my mom.  Every hurtful thing she said to me stunk and felt like a knife to my heart and soul.  It took me back to when I was a child and a young teenager and how she degraded me and always made me feel low.  And I thought about my prom night and how she had embarrassed me that night.  I was trying to shake all this madness off of me.  I kept replaying Mark laughing at me and pointing, I was trying to drown out all the voices of the men. The moaning and groaning them fighting to be the next to have sex with me or place their private parts in my mouth; and all the while Mark was cheering them on.  I kept wiping tears from my eyes that I couldn’t stop snot was flowing from my nose.  I was tired and my body was very sore all over. I was flipped around tossed around, my hair was pulled I was choked, pinched, spanked and pulled at the whole night. They poured alcohol over me one had put coke on his private part and made me suck it off.  I knew now I was being raped and violated.


When I looked at my cell phone all of the calls were from Mark and so were the text messages.  I threw my phone back on the bed and went into my bathroom and I scrubbed my bathroom clean from wall to wall and floor.  I removed all towels, rugs and anything else that was in my bathroom.  It looked the same as it did when I had moved in.  I ran some bath water and threw a bar of soap in the tub.  That bathroom was pristine clean! I cleared out all the medicine cabinets and threw all the medicine away except for one bottle away in the trash.  My nerves were on edge so I took some pills to calm me down, volume.  I then went to my bedroom and every toy, porn movie, dirty letters lingerie, dirty pics I had I took them and threw them in my fire place and burned them! Whatever product I had of myself in my house I burned, anything that said I was a SLUT HOAR or a porn star it was like I had to get rid of it! I went downstairs and I unlocked all my doors, and I opened the sliding doors so that the cool breeze from the ocean would fill my house.


I was feeling the effect of the pills now, I was getting real sluggish, and I had taken seven of them.  I went back into my bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, the one thing I left in there was a razor blade.  I sat on the edge of the tub and without thinking too hard on it I just hurried up and quickly slashed both my wrists! I really started getting weak as all that warm blood started pouring from my body.  Blood everywhere and the pills made me feel lighter and heavy at the same time.  I was trying to catch my breath but I couldn’t I could feel me literally leaving my body! Like was this what I had been hearing about?  Like there really is an after life? I was heavy and not light, I felt empty and hurt and I remembered everything and saw my life flash quickly before my eyes like a movie. And that is why I was able to see my life so quickly, I was only able to remember certain parts here and there as I have told you. 


I saw the blood all over the white floors still oozing from my wrist.  The soap sitting in the bottom of the tub, a fresh new bar of white Dove soap. I was being pulled as to what I thought was upward, but as soon as my body went up it was quickly pulled down.  I was now walking in a dark tunnel, there was a bright light at the end of the tunnel.  But there was also a lot of moaning and groaning, was I walking in on the set of a porn movie being shot I thought.  But I started hearing crying, screaming, yelling and all sorts of voices begging to be freed. The smell was horrid and a stench that I had never smelled before.  Then there were two people I assumed that had come up on the side of me and had put cuffs or chains of some sort around my wrist which were still bleeding and now hurting profusely.  They then dragged me, I was kicking and yelling.  Then I saw the others, I saw Manny, Byron and some friends or so I thought that had died. I then knew where I was.  I was in HELL!! My mind went back and quickly played back word for word every time I watched a sermon on television.  When that pastor came and talked to me on the beach.  I remember when he told me, “You needed to get there ASAP before it is too late I see some dangerous things in your future and the time is nigh.” That one line kept playing in my head over and over.  I remembered every time someone came and talked to me about giving my life to God.  And now I knew I had died the ultimate death of deaths and this is where I would spend eternity.  There really was a hell and I was in it.  The pain and hurt sadness depression and sickness was all in this place.


And now I know, I truly know I was never loved. 


“Just Toy”

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