With so many good and bad things going on in our lives we can all do some great and wonderful things for ourselves and others all for the right and wrong reasons. Sometimes we may make these decisions rashly, not thinking things thoroughly through.  And in our hearts and spirits we don’t feel comfortable and quickly later on down the line we regret the decision we made. Stay true to yourself and your inner man always.

 

DOING THE WRONG THING FOR THE RIGHT REASON

 

I am pretty sure that I have hurt a lot of people in my journey called life. Just as there has been a lot of times I have been hurt as well.  From family, strangers, co-workers and people I have entertained in my life. And as I sit here on my deck waiting for the sun to set, I ask myself over and over why I did what I did.  The anxiety that I have been feeling for the past two weeks has been nerve wrecking on my emotions and my mental stability.  I am waiting as the days go by for this to be a memory just like all bad memories.

 

I inhale deeply, slip my feet out of my rubber flip flops and scoot my chair up close to the railings where I can rest the middle of my feet and prop my arms up on my knees. I just gaze out, sip on my coffee and begin to drift into a deep daydream….

 

 

BACK TO THE RIDDLE

 

 

I had just landed, and the last place I thought I would never have to come back to.  And I am here! Back because I had no real choices in the matters, back in the cold where the sleet, black ice, heavy storms, blackouts and all that madness seem to flood the city and state.  I loved and hated Chicago.  And I only came back to visit my family and very close friends. 

 

I had got laid off from my job and monies were getting real tight.  My parents had a condo they had purchased years ago and rented it out.  I guess it was a blessing because right when I was having all these crazy trials and tribulations looking for a job.  I had somewhere to go and not have to worry about paying rent or a mortgage.  I had been out of work for over a year! And the last thing I wanted to do was start pulling monies from my retirement, pension and 401k.  I had already dwindled all of my savings.  And I had sold most of my furniture to buy my ticket back home! I was exasperated.  But because of where I came from I knew that as soon as I hit the pavement in looking for a job here I would soon find one.  So all the tears and helpless feelings of sadness I left in Miami Florida the serious sunshine fun-shine state, hoping to return one day soon. It was my goal and destiny to return there.  A promise.

 

I had to settle in and get my mind right, though it had been a year since I had been back to Chicago it felt very weird.  The job I got laid off from had me in constant movement and I was traveling all the time so I had missed out on vacations.  However my family and some very close friends had come to visit me in Miami.  And of course they all loved it going down there when it was winter in Chicago.

 

There was really no reason in being upset and angry that I was here. I mean the condo was very nice and plush, furnished and updated.  All I had to do was pay the utilities, and if I honestly needed help with that then my parents had no issue in assisting.  But I felt they were helping enough, everyone had empathy to my circumstances but deep down were happy that I was back home.  Friends felt that we would all go out and party and have fun.  That really wasn’t on my agenda. 

 

As I had finished unpacking I had quickly grabbed my laptop and had started emailing my resume to any and everywhere there was a job opening.  I had signed up and made appointments at temp agencies and had interviews set up so that I could get back on the grind of being employed again.  I had even made phone calls to friends and family members to see if their companies were hiring.  You know how the saying goes, “It’s not what you know but who you know”

 

My third day back home and my cell phone seemed to go off back to back with phone calls from ex boyfriends and college pals from back in the day.  “Why didn’t you say that you were back home?” was a lot of the text messages I received. Honestly I didn’t want to be bothered. A man, partying, and hanging out none of that appealed to me I wanted to get my life back on track.

 

My best girlfriend had called me and told me that she wanted to come by and hang out.  I really wasn’t feeling it, but because we go so far back I knew that she was excited in having me back here. But I still didn’t want to be here, that did not change how I felt all this happy I’m back mess was bothering me to the fullest.

 

“Heeeeey lady how are you?!!! You look fabulous!” I hugged Diamond.

“You look great to! Come on in and sit down. I know we need to do some catching up.”

“I brought us some wine so get some wine glasses.” I went in the kitchen and got two wine glasses out rinsed them off.  One thing I will say about my mom, she made sure everything was cleaned and scrubbed thoroughly before I got here. I handed the glasses to Diamond.

“So what have you been up to?”

“A whole lot of everything and a whole lot of nothing! We both laughed.  I am sooo ready to leave I have been thinking of moving to Dallas.” She handed me my glass and she quickly took a long sip of her wine.

“Really? I thought you were tied at the hip to the Chi” I took a sip of my wine.

“Well Kaylon I will say this, I thought I would never leave either.  But I am tired of the cold, the people and the life here.  I have been doing some research.  You remember our sorority sister Gi-Gi? I shook my head yes. Well she moved down there six months ago and the living has been easy for her there.  She had emailed resumes to three states she wanted to live in.  Arizona, Nevada and Texas.  Just to see who would answer.  She got a response back from Arizona with a really great offer, but Texas beat them out. They offered to pay her moving expenses, full health benefits. They will match whatever she puts in to her 401k by 30%. Pension plan and they work with Aflac. They will pay for all her travel and meals.  $70,000 a year with a raise increase that she already got.  They give raises every six months.  And it’s just her! Come on no kids.”

“What happened to her husband?”

“Girl he left her for some trick tramp hoar from his job.” My mouth fell open.

“Are you serious?  That man ran up behind her with his nose open for years! Gi-Gi gave him a hard time and he starts having an affair?” Diamond was nodding her head yes.

“And here’s the good part. When he left that is when Gi-Gi went into full swing. She started looking for a new job.  Slowly started packing up that house and putting her things in storage.  He said he didn’t want anything she could have it all.  He left that on her voicemail and she saved that message.  She changed the locks on the house.  Packed what he had left and put it in boxes and left it on the side of the garage and told him to come get his stuff.  She filed for divorce saying he left her and they had been separated for nine months and she had no idea of where he was.”

“Shut up!!!”  I had took huge sips of wine now.

“She quickly put her house up for sale.  And here we get to the good stuff.  The lady he left Gi-Gi for had left him for another dude!! My mouth fell open. Girl she was nothing but a gold digger Keith had a real sweet job.  He had rented them a condo, and she had talked him into putting the condo in her name.”

“Bad move”

“Exactly.  She had his nose more open than Gi-Gi did.  I don’t know what she put on him.  But I would like to have some of that!”  We both fell out laughing.

“Okay so finish.”

“Well she packed all his stuff put outside the front door changed locks on the door and wrote a note that said, ”It’s over” She found a buyer for the condo and booked to wherever she went to with the new dude. So of course he takes his trifling azz back over to Gi-Gi and sees the for sale sign on the house and goes ballistic! He takes her to court and says that this is his house and so forth.  What he doesn’t know is she saved the message on her phone.  And that the house had already been sold. She was now shipping her stuff to Dallas! Girl they threw the case out once the attorney had played the message for him. He relinquished all rights to her. I know he was sick!!! Gi-Gi told me he went to her job, they said she had quit.  He didn’t want to call her parents to find out where she went.  But he saw me out and about and asked me where Gi-Gi was and I happily told him she is living the life or Raleigh! I didn’t tell him where she moved to I just told him she no longer lives in Chicago. I told him she bought a condo townhouse and a brand new car and travels the world.  He looked bad too!”
“You know you were wrong for that one!”  I laughed.

“I know Gi-Gi was hurting bad after he did that. Six years of marriage? Come on Kaylon!  That was nothing what I did compared to the hurt and pain he left her with.”
“Yeah you’re right about that. Well how is Gi-Gi doing now?”

“Well that was over two years ago, or close to it.  She got counseling, met a wonderful man out there who adores her. And she had a baby without the marriage.  But they are set to get married next month.”

“Wow…wow… that is all that I can say.”

“Funny, we all had told her not to marry that man. She had even had his frat brothers tell her that.  And it was because of that very reason she made him chase her for so long.  Waited until she graduated and got a job and got settled on it.  But after three years of him running up behind her buying her everything and giving her everything she wanted she gave in. He bought her that house she sold he bought her a new car. Gave her the wedding she wanted. Pampered her and made her feel comfortable with him.  And then he pulls that mess.”

“So you are saying that because she is doing well you want to move there?”

“Yes! There are opportunities there that you would not believe Kay I am so real about that.”

“Gi-Gi talked you into it?” She finished off her wine and poured herself some more.

“Gi-Gi asked me to come down and see her new house, help her move in and all.  I fell in love with every place I saw and everywhere she took me Kaylon. I’m like her; I am tired of all this cold. Hell it gets just as hot here as it does down there.”

“Well you are almost right about that. I mean I moved to Miami for many reasons. And I was way past the cold and snow.  Falling down, slipping in the snow on the ice.  Shoveling snow, getting snowed in.”  Diamond threw her hand in the air and gave me the stop sign.  I laughed.  She was hilarious just like me. We always kept the crowd and our friends and family laughing with our sense of humor. And Diamonds facial expressions were off the chain crazy which made you laugh even more.

“I am trying to get mom and dad to move there. My dad has fallen every year and they have been some really bad falls that have put him in the hospital.  It is time to go I’m telling you.”

“I never thought I would ever hear you speak this way of the Chi.  You love being close to New York, Philly, New Jersey.”

“Oh well I will get over it. I am looking more to a future and I want to buy a nice condo townhouse. I’m not pleased with the real estate here anymore. I mean look, your parents bought this condo in this high rise years ago over looking Lake Michigan.  And all of the upgrades and things they have done to it and the upgrades the owners have done.  But look where they stay.  They stay way put in Bumble-fuk suburbs you gotta call and set up an appointment to come see me.”

“And I am personally grateful for that because they will not be in my face all the time. You know how my mother is, do it this way.  It will not work if you don’t do it my way. And her wanting to know my every move, I am so glad that she can text because when she does I tell her all is well and I am busy.  Diamond….you have no idea how this move made me feel.  I really felt like a failure ….”

“Stop that talk Kaylon!  Really, you could not predict the future. You had no idea that people would lose homes, cars, jobs! None of that.  You are one of the success stories.  Please.”

“I don’t feel like it.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Remember Brandon?”
“Yes.”

Brandon had a job paying him a salary of $85,000 a year. Bonuses, commission and big time incentives. Brandon had a new BMW, Range Rover. Had bought a house in the suburbs of New Jersey and maintaining his penthouse in New York.  When everything crashed, he took it real hard and real bad.  He lost his penthouse over looking Central Park. He only has the Range Rover barely holding on to that. Lost the house ran through his 401k, pension, retirement trying to pay all those cost to be the boss. I can’t say that he was living above his means because he could afford it. You know where Brandon is right now?”

“Where?”

“Living with his mother and father back in Philly working a job that pays him $50,000 a yr.  That is a huge pay cut! Brandon had to be making over $300,000 a year.  His salary was just ice. Nothing, minimum wage in his eyes.  Brandon has nothing anymore!!!! I mean absolutely nothing!!! He lost it all. He managed to keep all his furniture. And when I tell you he is miserable and not grateful he had somewhere to go.  I tell you no lies. And Justine from around the way lost husband, cars, house, job and lived in a shelter and is making $10.00 and hr plus commission working a sales job.”

“Wooooooow!!!!”

“Exactly, so you need to be grateful and stop feeling the way you do. And don’t forget about the people who have had it worse than that.  Living in cars, all squished up in a small house living with family members or friends that don’t want them there.  You have your health and a fam that supports you.  Look at this view!!!! Look at this place?  It is lavish! It doesn’t get any better than this with no job.” And she put her wine glass in the air as to making a fake toast and took a sip.  She was right. I had to be grateful and not feel sorry for myself.

 

Of course Diamond got our old crew together, the ones that were still living here. A lot of us had moved around.  I mean we all seemed to go to college out here, and some of us got scholarships in high school, and some of us got scholarships while we were in college to continue our education.  A sleuth of us went to college at NYU. Trying to discover ourselves and joined fraternities and sororities, all over the place with sex, partying, love, heartbreak, women discovering women and men discovering men. Coming out of the closet and going into one. We wanted to be liberated! And we felt that New York was the place to do it.

 

I basically had a reunion at my place, or should I say my place for the moment. We drank wine, played music, cards, and ordered all types of food.  Well they did because I didn’t have the money to that. They ordered everything from seafood platters to Italian food and soul food. After we ate and played around and had too much fun.  We all left and went to hear some comedy, then later to dance at a jazz spot.

 

 

I had woke up to a hot piping cup of coffee, and then later drank some ice mocha coffee.  I answered a sleuth of emails that were all job oriented and set up two interviews. My phone seemed to go off all day with more and more people happy I was back home and funny I was getting calls about jobs.  I felt honored. Maybe coming home would not be so bad.

 

“Hello”

“Hey” Okay who is this, I’m thinking.

“Hey”

“You don’t know who this is huh?”

“I sure don’t. So that we don’t have to go back and forth, why don’t you tell me who I am speaking with?”

“This is Darrin,” a huge smile came across my face.

“Darrin!!! Hey man what is going on with you! Wow long time no see or hear from.  Who told you I was back here?”

“Chance told me, said he was trying to reach me the other night to come through. I was on the road coming back in from my job.”

“Okay, so are you still styling hair?”

“I sure am.  I finally gave in and said let me do what makes me happy. And I am happy that I did.”

“Well good for you.”

“I have some great clients. And I travel for some of them.  Got a few gigs at some of the studios full time. So throughout it all and the cutbacks I’ve been maintaining.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“So when are we going to see each other? I mean you know you are my girl and a bag of beautiful pearls.”  I laughed.  I had been knowing Darrin since we were very young and playing in sand.  Too long, Darrin and I had seemed to see each other every new decade of our lives. The full term of elementary, the ending of Middle school or junior high. We seen each other at the end of high school. And when I finished College. Now here we are at point A again.

“Well I am looking for a job right now, and my time is open on the weekends but I know your schedule is probably booked.”

“I will have some time this weekend.  What do you say me coming by there and taking you out for dinner and drinks and a nice long ride?  We have not seen each other hung out nothing in a looong time lady.”

“Alright let’s do it!”

 


I have to say my week was eventful and fulfilling. I had some good interviews very positive.  But I felt why shouldn’t I? I was outgoing, sold myself, educated and tons of experience.  So I knew something had to come through for me soon.  I was thinking positive.  Also having an out of state license and my work experience not here worked for me. 

 

Diamond and I had lunch and coffee and she gave me some really good leads on some inside companies she knew was hiring and had referred me to. She also treated me to a spa day. But that was the type of relationship that her and I had.  We had each others back and treated each other all the time.  It was second nature.  I loved Diamond.

 

“So guess who called me?”

“Who?”

“Darrin.”

“Hmmm….not good.” I looked over at Diamond with my eyebrows raised.

“Why not?” I had taken the cucumbers off of my eyes and looked over at Diamond, hard, real hard.

“You know that Darrin has a thing for you.  We all know that.” I waved Diamond off.

“And have I ever acted upon it?”

“Noooo you have not. But…”

“But what? Don’t start it now Diamond.  I am going to be celibate. I am not going to get my act together, stack my money and I am out of Chicago before the winter storms hit.  Damn….I hate the snow. And men? For what?  I don’t need them.”

“You sounding like a serious Terry Mc Millian Character that can’t find love, don’t want love and has been scorned.”

“Whatever Diamond you know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean.” I took a deep breath. Sergio and I didn’t work out and I have to find out what I am doing wrong when it comes to this men thing. Because it is apparent I need to do some self evaluation. No sex, no sex no men!!!! I must stay focused man.”

“I hear ya talking”

 

The spa was wonderful and I enjoyed drinking the lime and lemon water.  The detoxifying was what I really needed. The steam and sauna all of it was wonderful.

 

 

“Hey mom”

“Hey baby, how you doing?”

“All is well I had some really good interviews”

“Well I have great news for you”

“Okay what is it?”

“You remember Cassie Warner?”

“Yes.”

“Well she called me the other day and just talking she told me that she was looking for someone that could help her out.”

“Doing what?”

“Well she is managing artist now. And she is overloaded with work. She is paying $18.00 an hour.  I know it’s not much. But she says there are some great incentives.  Travel time is paid for.  Gas, food lodging, she needs an assistant.”

“Give me her number and I will call her.”

“She said she would let you have the job before she hired anyone else.”

“Wow, thanks mommy I appreciate that.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

 

I quickly got off the phone and called Cassie.  She broke down the job and the workload.  Right now she needed someone in the office and someone who could work from home if needed.  She told me there would be overtime.  I took the job that would be time and a half for me.  And I had experience in this arena.  So I was a perfect fit. I had a job now, and I was content and didn’t have to look anymore.  With no rent to pay and just utilities I would be out of the Chi soon.  And if this worked out well, I could still work for Cassie and not even have to live here. I’m thinking too much, let me just relish in having a job right now and try not to get anxious.

 

Diamond was right I knew Darrin had been wanting me for years.  But we had never crossed that line.  And I wanted to keep it that way. So when we hung out I made sure that it didn’t get personal personal.  I talked about when we were little in school our friends and fun times.  And when we got back to the condo I kissed Darrin on the cheek and I quickly hoped out of the car before he could say or make a move. 

 

WORK AND NO PLAY

 

 

I was happy and overjoyed to be working for such a wonderful woman who trusted me and relied on my input.  I had been working hard, overtime to prove myself and was barely doing anything for myself.  So I had decided that since Cassie had left out of town for a week I would work from home. That way I could lay around in sweats and a T-shirt or just a T-shirt. 

 

I had been working now for three months in a row.  Having small social time by phone with my friends here and there which was good and bad at the same time.  But now I was lonely, I mean lonely lonely for male company.  I shake my head at this only because I said that I would not get involved. But it was seeing my play brothers friend Jeremy and feeling that he and I could be cool in just having bed time only.  He seemed to be a big boy.

 

The first time Jeremy came over we chilled, drank wine, I cooked for him. And we later had sex on the floor in front of a non-lit fireplace.  I had pulled back the blinds from the wide sliding doors and wall to wall windows to get that smooth romantic city view. Jeremy was okay as a lover but just really didn’t pack the pow of excitement that I was looking for.  But he wasn’t all that bad either.  However, after about two weeks of hanging with one another, Jeremy calls me to explain to his girlfriend we were only friends? What! And at the time he had called me I was in the mix of an old high school friend I had run into at the mall that was working my nerves and trying to set up a date for me to come to his house and break him off!!! How did he get here in this convo with me?  I mean I haven’t seen this guy since when??? I was twenty-eight when we last saw each other.  So here I am in a precarious situation.  I have Jeremy on the line, he has me on speaker.  And I have this idgit in front of me talking to me as if I OWE him the opportunity to go to bed with me.  How did it all come to this? Now I have made the wrong decisions all out of selfishness.  Hmm… weakness.

 

I feel there were cameras all around me and someone is playing a huge joke in me.  I am just waiting for someone to run out and say “You’ve been punk’d!” But Ashton Kushton never appeared, and why would he? I was not a celebrity. So as I am now shocked that Jeremy has a girlfriend, and this idiot is clowning me in a public place.  I jump into action!  I really have to not let myself get in the middle of Jeremy and his situation and let my pride and emotions rule.  So I went along with “we’re friends” His girlfriend had went in his phone and saw a picture of me and went ballistic on him. Then I had to let this fool have it remaining prim and proper in a public situation and hoping that as if I am putting him in place he would not act up in public.  And when I had done that I had instantly walked away and no longer could enjoy my shopping experience.  It was completely shot!

 

The old high school idgit Patrick continued to call and text me.  And I continued to ignore his calls and text messages.  And after a week goes by and I hadn’t reached out to Jeremy there was a knock on my front door. I assumed it was a neighbor, this building had a doorman, no one got to your door if the doorman did not call you and let you know of anyone’s presence and if it was okay to send that person or people up unless you called and told him whom you were expecting and to go ahead and let them up and he does not have to call.

 

So I opened the door, and who was standing there? You guessed it, Jeremy.

“How did you get up here? I am going to have to make a complaint.” I was not happy to see Jeremy at all!! And what gall he had to show up and not call me at all.

“May I please come in and talk to you?”

“Honestly you can apolo-lie from there.” Jeremy dropped his head in shame. He was being intrusive, I was working. I didn’t have anything on but a T-shirt and I was vibing to some John Coltrane and sipping on chilled Chablis. Enjoying myself. Not that Jeremy has seen me without or with underwear on and my hair in a spiraled curly mess. It was principle at this point. I looked him up and down and then let him in.

“You look good as always, no matter what you wear or the look you go for.  I am pulled to you. Damn man.”

“What’s up Jeremy?”

“I know what I did was wrong and I should have not done that to you?”

“No you shouldn’t have cheated on your girlfriend that I knew nothing about.”

“You asked me was I married, you did not ask me if I was seeing anyone.”

“Now you are being even more of the village idiot.  And I can’t even speak to you right now.  Do you realize how stupid you sound? We had an understanding that was it! However you put me in arms way, you called me with your girlfriend sitting or standing next to you expecting me to clear up some madness because she doesn’t trust you.  And I can understand why. And you are in my bed between my legs doing me and everything you can imagine while someone is sleeping in your bed at home.”
“I have been having problems with her for the past year.  I have been telling her I don’t want this anymore.  Matter fact. I ended it with her the next day.”

“Well that is good for you.  Now I am working and I have a couple more things I need to handle. You can leave now.” Jeremy looked as if I had just cursed him out and threatened his life! I gave him a look back as well, raised eyebrows like , okay you can leave now punk.

“We can’t...”

“Nope, no, not a drop will not anymore.”  And he walked out.  I shut the door and locked it.  I had called the doorman and asked why he had let him up, and if he sees him again he is not to let him up or in. EVER! Because I knew that he knew no on else here. I was done and over the situation. However, later that night around midnight he called and I didn’t answer.  And he called in the morning. What was wrong with this guy?

 

 

For whatever reason I was working and my side hustle seemed to be looking for a man that I could hang out with while I was here in the Chi.  Someone that I could go to a movie with, dinner, dancing and sex.  But with no commitment.  I was very capable of shutting my emotional  down and not getting to involved with a person as to not hurt mine or their feelings along the way.  I had met it seems a sleuth of men, however when I talked to them for a small period of time they didn’t have themselves together and was going through some drama-filled episode of love, life, finances, family, children.  And let me be the first to say I did not want to be in the midst of any of that.  It seems a lot of men were now the caregivers and had full custody of their children or child.  Like the mothers had all decided that they were flipping the tables.  They wanted to enjoy life, not all of these mothers were bad moms.  They just wanted to now be part-time moms. 

 

I love to talk and have a file of things I love and like to do. It was like when I met these men they were boring and didn’t have a clue.  I was meeting men much younger than me, my age, older than me.  And there was nothing that was clicking for me. I had to have something else in order to sleep with them.  Let me also throw in that Patrick and Jeremy were still calling and texting me. 

 

“Hello”

“What’s going on beautiful?” I smiled. Darrin always knew what to say and how to make me smile.

“Hey Papi what’s going on?”

“Nothing much.  I hadn’t spoke to you or heard from you in a couple of weeks.  You okay?”

“I’m good.  I figured you have been busy.  I have been busy with this new gig.  And Diamond is making sure I do not sit in this house.  All the alumni are trying to kick it.  But I am not feeling all of that. Is that bad? I don’t want to get all caught up and back close and I am leaving.”

“It makes sense.  But you haven’t seen these people in a long time.  You are a loved and wanted person.  Look at it as a good thing.  You know you and Diamond were and have been the life of the party and your friends.  Be happy they want to see you than not see you.”

“I never though of it like that Darrin, you are right.”

“Yeah since you are leaving, you don’t know when you will come back and visit.  And they don’t know if they will visit or see you soon.”

“I guess I was being selfish.”

“In a way yes in a way no.  I mean I can relate that when you are going through some things and you are on a mission you want to focus wholly on that.  I have been there so many times.  When I wasn’t really making money, trying to make money, go get money and tie up a lot of loose ends.  I wanted to be by my self!! It seems as if I retreated more and more to myself.  And when I was ready to hang with my boys and my girls they seemed a bit indifferent.  But my real and true friends understood why I was doing what I was doing.  They were still reaching out to me, even if I didn’t respond. They had love for me.”

“Darrin I’m happy and love the job that I do. But just don’t want to be here.”

“You are here for a reason. God doesn’t make any mistakes.”

“Never thought of it that way.”

“So do you have anytime for me today? I figured we could go and hang out a bit.”

“Yeah I am getting a little stir crazy. Cassie now trusts me to work from home.  And I have been making sure that I run her ship tight.”

“See look at you!  You came back and got a job that gives you freedom. Great! And you would leave here as hard as it is in the world with jobs and walk away from a job?”

“Aaarrrgh you are making me think too much. I have spoken to her about that already though. She said we might could work something out.  She wanted me to try it for a year. I mean I don’t have rent to pay just food and utilities, my internet.  Clearing up some old bills in Florida.”

“And how many people can say that Kaylon? Not a lot. When the recession hit I lost a lot of my clientele.  So when I got offered to work in a studio and also travel with some of the actors and anchors here.  It came right on time because this was my life, this was the decision that I had made to put myself 100% into what makes me happy.”

“I can’t argue with you, you’re right Darrin.”

“I know that I am. So would you like to take a break from work and hang with your boy?”

“Give me thirty minutes and I will be dressed waiting out front for you.”

“Done deal.”

 

 

I was leery and excited to be hanging with Darrin at the same time. The leery came in because Darrin was a man that attracted a hoard of women to him.  And we all considered him to be a “man hoar” If you were to ask Darrin how many women he has been with in the course of his life he could not tell you.  He would have to say a whole lot! Also Darrin was the type of guy that had women falling all over him and took care of him at various times in his life. Of course some of us approved and some of us didn’t approve of what he was doing.  Nevertheless, I was on the path of remaining friends and nothing more.  I hadn’t seen Darrin in years and didn’t know what his intentions were.  But because I knew his sorted past.  I wasn’t trying to be another woman on his list of “things to do”

 

So as I was getting myself ready, my phone was ringing.

“Hello”

“Hey doll”

“Hey you!” I recognized the voice instantly. Chonce Mc Farrin! He was a smooth and wonderfully delicious man that I had met when I had walked to the newspaper and magazine stand. I was picking up a couple of magazines to flip and read while I sat and had my cinnamon caramel macchiato on the patio.  I was making myself not bring my laptop and work.  I enjoyed what I did that much and when I tell you I was working overtime under time too much time I really was.  So consumed that I had no play time. So when he complimented my shoes and showed me the grand piano smile I was hooked lined and sunk! He asked me where I was on my way to, if I was single, and then could he treat me to my coffee.  I acted hesitant, like I really didn’t want to.  But I had to play the roll.  I had to play hard to get no matter how desperate I really was.

“Are you busy?”

“As we speak I am putting on the finishing touches to my make-up headed out.  I have a few moments to talk. What’s up with you?” There was silence.

“Not much. I was calling to see if you would have liked to go to a play with me my friend wrote and produced.”

“What time does it start?”
“It starts at 7:00 p.m.”

“Well it’s only three right now.  And I do not plan to be out that long. One of my very good friends just wants to get me out of the house for a bit.  How about you give me a call back on my cell at 5:00 and we can go from there.  Does that sound fair enough?”

“Perfect. Talk to you soon.” I hung up feeling great.  I had a date for later.  And that was super duper nice as far as I was concerned.  It would be icing and cherries to my evening.

 

 

Darrin and I hit up some old stomping grounds.  Had ice cream, I didn’t want to eat too much because I wanted to make sure I could eat a late dinner with Chonce. And right on time he called me, and I answered.  Asking of course for Darrin to excuse me while I took my call.  I toyed with him for bit and then said seven was fine. I then told Darrin I would need to get home.  He of course didn’t seem to be a happy camper. Oh well, it is what it is and was what it was.  We had been together for a couple of hours.  And now it was over.  I was having fun, and Darrin was great company but I had a date!

 

 

I met Chonce in the lobby of my condo, I didn’t want him to come up and see where I lived or no where I lived. Too soon for all of that.  I mean who knew where I was, but he didn’t know what condo I lived in. And he couldn’t get up to me anyways without the doorman calling me first.

 

Chonce looked wonderful and smelled great! I was greeted by a huge bouquet of wild flowers which was very nice. He didn’t reach to kiss me or anything like that. He just put his hand out for me to place my hand in his and escorted me out of the building. Being sure to open the door for me. I haven’t had this type of romance, date, and hook up in a long time. And if Chonce was tying to charm me, this six foot plus man was doing a magnificent job with those wonderful broad shoulders.

 

The play was actually very good to say the least.  The actors, the props and story line were perfect. I was glad it wasn’t a musical slash play.  I had tired of those a long time ago.  It just depended on who was singing and what the play was about. Broadway plays and musicals are a big difference. 

 

After the play Chonce made his rounds and introduced me to the producer and writer of the play which was a very good friend of his.  And to the cast and other people he knew there.  It turned out that Chonce was a very popular man around town.  It wasn’t just women, there were a sleuth of men as well.  How could one be peeved or dislike that about him? I couldn’t.

 

Once we left he took me to a famous five star seafood restaurant that actually rotated so you could see the city of Chicago.  We talked, laughed, and I had gotten more acquainted with Chonce.  What woman wouldn’t?  However I knew he was a charmer.  So after two glasses of wine, red wine which has me floating like a kite.  I had ended the date. I didn’t want to wake up with this man lying beside me.

 

 

When I saw my bonus check and commission check, it was enough for me to say “it’s time to go!!!” But I didn’t I remained cool and screamed ran, danced and smiled running all through the condo!!! I had wrote my mom and dad a nice check to thank them for helping me.  And if I knew my parents like I knew I knew them.  They would send it back or put it in an account for me later in case I needed it. All the same I wanted to show them some appreciation.  I got new tires on my car because I needed them badly! A tune-up, paint job and I cleaned out my closet and donated a lot of my clothes to an inner city church that worked with a homeless shelter.  I went out and treated myself to some new clothes, not much but I enjoyed the mini shopping spree.  The rest of the monies I put in my credit union. 

 

 

Chonce and I had been talking a lot on the phone, texting, emailing and had gone on some lunch dates and walks in the park for the past three weeks.  So when he had invited me to his home for a “home cooked meal” I was comfortable in having dinner at his place.  Plus I was curious to see how he lived. Was he neat, how was his home decorated.  I already knew he had some money and was a big time lawyer.  He was an entertainment lawyer.  And just so happened he knew Cassie, but I never told him I worked for her. Cassie was new in having her own company but far from new to the industry. And when she left she took a sleuth of people with her. For one she was fair, hard working and most of all trustworthy and a woman who kept her word. And I really liked and loved that about her.  The industry can turn you into a shady person.  One thing I had found curiously funny when I had went to her office was that behind her desk, and in front of her desk on a wall, annnnnd she had it on a wall behind her receptionists desk. It was a contract that she had wrote for herself and others to see.  She also had it notarized! To sum it up it basically said that she would treat her clients how she wanted to be treated.  And that she would keep her word and not take advantage of kindness or weakness.  She basically had made an oath. And this contract of herself was over twenty years old!!.

 

I had pulled up to Chonce’s house around 5:30 p.m. Just as I was applying my MAC lip glass Darrin had called me.

 

“Hey Beautiful!”

“Hey Darrin.”

“Are you busy?”
“Well I am about to be in five more minutes.  But I can hang back and give you some time. What’s up?” As I was talking I was texting Chonce letting him know I was here but was on a call and I would be to the door soon.

“There is going to be a hair show in Chicago in one week.  One of my models cancelled and I was just wondering if you could bring that beautiful self and flawless skin and be a hair model for me.”

“Ahhh Darrin I don’t think I could …..”

“Stop! You have beautiful hair I have been trying to do for you since you got here.  And you have a great charismatic personality.  You have a great body and great curves.  Please tell me yes!”

“Aaaaaarghhh I don’t…”

“Kayloooon..”

“Alright alright I will do it!”

“You are indeed a lifesaver. I am holding a meeting this weekend with my models. So come by my house around 1p.m.”

“How do you know if I don’t have plans on Saturday?”

“Please….”

Okay alright. I have no idea of where you live so send me the addy via text to my iphone.”

“You know I love you”

“Yeah yeah sure sure.  Bye punk”  He laughed and I hung up got myself together and walked to the front door.  I could already smell the food permeating from the front door.  And it smelled terrific! My stomach was growling bad too!! I had been knocking myself up with beverages and caffeine instead of eating most days.  Not good I know, but it’s the truth. I rang the doorbell, and it was as if Chonce had been waiting by the front door. Because it took him no time to open it.

 

“Wooooow don’t you look exquisite! He kissed me on the cheek and opened the door wide for me to walk in.  And his house so far from what I could see was very nice!  All of the furniture was white in his living room with blonde hardwood floors.  Afro centric art seemed to cover the walls in the foyer, and from what I could tell the living room walls too. It was very modern and contemporary. Come on in and follow me into the kitchen.  I have a few more things to do in the kitchen and then we can have dinner. Do you mind coming in the kitchen and keeping me company?”

“No problem.  Your home is absolutely beautiful!”

“Thank you very much.  I had fun decorating it.”
“You did this on your own?”

“I picked out the furniture and all the accents, yes.”

“I’m impressed.” He smiled.

“Good, I need you to be impressed.  I don’t take it that much moves you.  I have been trying to figure out what you may and may not think of me.  And do you really like me.”  He laughed and so did I.

“I’m here aren’t I?”

“Yes you are.”

The kitchen was huge and had all stainless steel appliances it was a culinary kitchen with a huge island in the middle. It had to be about twelve feet long and five feet wide. He must have an affinity with white because the tile was white and the marble on the countertop. So were the chairs. He spent a nice piece of change on his kitchen.   

“So you enjoy cooking I see.”

“I love to do a lot of things people don’t think I do.  Cooking, painting which really helps me wind down. While some of my counterparts enjoy a good game of golf.  I haven’t gotten into it.  I even enjoy at times cleaning my home when I am stressed.  My maid thinks I am crazy.  I will tell her to let me clean this or that room until I work the stress off. I actually went to culinary school about three years ago just to refine what I enjoy doing.  I like working out too.”

“I noticed. From what you’re telling me you have a very stressful job. I have heard the word stress many times.”

“When you deal with people who have money and get in trouble and solely dependant upon you to save the day.  Yes!”

“I can relate.”

Okay I’m done we will be having dinner on the terrace I have the tiki torches lit and the table set.  It is so beautiful outside.  I figure we could watch the sunset while we eat and chat.”

“Sure, do you need any help?”

“No you just kick back and let me do all the work.” Where was this man from?  Something had to be wrong with him because he was just coming across as Mr. Perfect right now.  And I was floored by all the attention and detail he was paying attention to.

 

As we ate we talked.  Chonce had been married twice in his life.  The first time he was married for five years. And had admitted that he and his wife cheated on each other.  But she was the “trophy wife” he felt he had to have.  And while he was screwing his clients, she was screwing his clients and friends. He said he really couldn’t be angry.  So they parted ways.  The second wife he married was very young and so he thought on her way to be something truly wonderful.  But all she did was use him and take advantage of his money.  Running his credit cards up, wrecking cars.  So he offered her $50,000 with no alimony because he had just won a huge case and she took it and he never heard from her again. He was telling me that he had to change a lot of himself. Stop flashing the big cars and the title “entertainment lawyer” and name dropping his clients. Because he was attracting the wrong women.  He was at one time involved in seedy things that he does not want to get deep off into.  And I had to respect that.  I haven’t ran my long list of “bad stuff” to anyone.  I was far from an angel. When I got to Miami I acted a zip damn foooool!!!! A lot of things I am not proud of.

 

Chonce said he was not rushing into things like he has done so many times before with women.  If it was the right time, then it was the right time. He was not pressed. Was that the charm or the real dialogue I am not sure. But Chonce could have had me from hello, but since I had went through the messy mess with Jerome I was kicking back on trying to hurry up and get a lover so quick. I was lonely at times but yet at the same time I am a loner. I have been here before and before that and before that again.  Most times it doesn’t last long because I catch on quick.  Wonderful and new beginnings entranced by the chatting, the time spent, the strong attractions.  Physical, mental and emotional.  And then the big boom happens and the true rep comes to the forefront and knocks me into the reality and the surreal world falls by the wayside. Simple.

 

I watched and studied Chonce, his body language the way he did and didn’t look in my eyes while he spoke.  And at times while he was talking I would go into my own world.  Thinking of work, and then wondering what he was like in bed. And the type of person he REALLY was.  I wasn’t bored I just had a tendency to do that at times.  I thought about what I was going to wear to the meeting at Darrin’s house.  And what and where I was going to go for the weekend.  Making plans and cancelling plans, and I was thinking of when I was going to leave Chicago.  I had given myself a year.  Enough time to save some money and be able to move with no problems and pay up rent for a few months and not stress.  I would zone into Chonce here and there on some hot words.  Ask a question here and there. I wanted him to do all the talking.  He loved to talk as much as I loved to talk.  So it was great.  Chonce was suppressing his cockiness, he really didn’t have to do that.  It was evident, his house, the way he spoke, the way he dressed, the things he said.  And the way he said things. I sensed he was a super control freak that was really insecure and needed a lot of attention.  And that is why he has done a lot of the things he has done, for attention.  And most of us do that in one way or another.  But he lived and thrived for that and on that.  All the degrees, knowledge he had just wasn’t enough. He had recognized some of his flaws, but he still couldn’t let go.  My question was, would I be able to take him in as a lover, and we could still have this same comradely and not have any huge expectations.  So now was the time to ask.

 

“Have you ever had a lover that you were not committed to in a relationship? But you held her in high esteem and respected her?” He gave me a strange look.  I mean I did just blurted the question out.

“Are you saying being faithful to one lover?”

“Well kinda sorta.  I do not want to be in a relationship.  I just want a man that I can spend time with, have fun with and he be my lover.  No commitments.  He could date other women.  And I am fine with that.  Of course I don’t want a man that is sleeping with a sleuth of women.  But if he had another lover and we are all having protected sex.  I say why not!” Chonce cleared his throat and took a sip of water.

“I never in my life had a woman ask me that.”
“Really? Well it feels good to be the first.”  I chuckled.

“Look, I like you and I am attracted to you.  I don’t have to have a bed of men to be with.  That is not the quest I am on.  I have needs. I want those needs to be fulfilled by someone who is open-minded within reason and as passionate as I am.  I have had three and four lovers at one time.  I am being honest there is no shame in my game.  I no longer want and need that. However for some men one woman is not enough.  And temptation is devious and wicked. She rears her head up at good and bad times.  So I don’t want to control your life and what you do when you are not with me.  I know that you are dating other women.  That is who you are. You may be sleeping with one now. His eyes bugged out and he took a sip of his wine.  I could tell I was making him nervous.  Why? Maybe I was being too aggressive and forward.  I mean he is a control freak, but I am too just not to his degree. I am not a jealous type woman.  Takes too much energy for all of that.  Just someone that I can do movies, plays, dinner, talk.  And have no commitment at all.  I don’t need a man nor want a man who changes it up later on.  I know what I want.” I stopped talking and there was a long silence, Chonce was staring off in the distance in the backyard. The sun was setting. The meal was wonderful! A roasted broiled type garlic chicken. Red potatoes with a wine sauce poured over them. Sautéed asparagus tips and a beautiful exotic spring salad. I couldn’t wait to have desert, it was from what I could tell a beautiful tasty work of art. Caramel, chocolate, pastry and raspberries.  I was anxious.

“You have said a mouthful lady.  I don’t really know what to say.”

“Be honest is all I ask.  You may not want to be with me in that way.  Sexually or that type or rapport…..I am so ready to have desert…I know that sounds crazy me interrupting your thoughts. But my sweet tooth has kicked in.  And I don’t get one that often.” He got up and went into the kitchen and brought back the desert and cleared the table outside. Maybe I was too forward, but I didn’t regret what I had said.  I’m straight up and out like that. As soon as he made my plate complete I dug in, and it was just as I thought very rich tasty and great.  When we both finished desert, Chonce got up and came over to me, held his hands out for me. I placed my hands in his. He helped to lift me to my feet, looked me in the eyes and we kissed….softly….beautifully….passionately….my type of man.

“So I guess that is a yes.”

“I will give it my all to stay true to your agreement.  The moment that I feel I can’t.  I will let you know.”

“I’d appreciate that very much.”

“Shall we?” And we walked inside of the house.

 

Chonce led me up the stairs to his full suite slash bedroom.  It was all white as well. A Jacuzzi tub was in this huge lavish bathroom, I could just imagine some of the things that went on in that tub.  I took Chonce to be a closet eccentric.  He really wasn’t one to express his seedy desires and that is why he paid women that came around him to do favors. Why was I coming up with all of this?  Did it matter?

 

 

I got up at 3a.m. and grabbed my clothes and tipped out and got in my car and went home.  I will say the sex was exquisite and I had no regrets.  I was the leader and I was in control.  I wanted to make sure I blew him in a different direction.  Mission accomplished.

 

 

Chonce had called me but I didn’t answer. I was getting myself ready for the meeting at Darrin’s house.  Once I pulled up to his place, I had a hard time finding a parking spot.  The door was open, so I lightly knocked and announced it was me.

“Come on in, I saw you out front and just opened the door for you.”

“Where are you?”

“Here I come.” Darrin’s house was funky and contemporary.  Live and colorful I liked that a lot.  It fit him well. I heard a lot of talking and laughing, I could smell bar-b-que in the air.

“Hey beautiful!! You look absolutely wonderful!”

“Thank you.  You know you call me beautiful all the time.”

“Because you are.  I know you see that.  And to be honest with you, you stand out more than the models that are in that room.”

“Really?”

“Really.  Come on back so we can get things started. And you can meet the rest of the ladies.”

 

Darrin went straight into the meeting.  I quickly made myself a daiquiri and sat down.  Darrin was very precise in what he wanted us all to do.  What we would wear, introduced us to the make-up artist.  And also got our dress sizes and gave us a little show of what we would be wearing which some really exotic and eccentric clothes. They were daring, I just hoped that I could do the designer justice. After the meeting we all chatted and got to know each other a little bit.  We ate and I was famished and very thirsty from my evening with Chonce.

 

“Hey can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to go to church with me tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah I need to go.  What time you picking me up?”

“10:30 sharp. He is a wonderful minister.”
“Alrighty see you tomorrow.”

 

 

When I got home I went and took a nap. And then worked a little bit.  I had text Chonce and told him that I had a wonderful night and I looked forward to the next time we seen each other.  I told him I had a meeting and had to work some and I didn’t want to disturb him. 

 

 

Church was wonderful, the minister was spectacular.  And the guilt I felt when I heard the message. Overwhelming, but I had put God on the back burner. I still prayed, I still read my bible. I still had faith.  But I was disappointed and so discouraged with everything that has happened in my life, I guess I had just let go of God.

 

After church Darrin took me out to eat.  I ordered a grilled chicken salad and had a raspberry tea.  I wanted to eat light until after his show. 

 

“So did you enjoy yourself?”

“I did very much.”

“He is an incredible speaker.  I have been going to his church for the past year. When Tara and I broke up I was broken and disheartened.  And I took a break from a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“Partying, women…”

“You haven’t dated?”

“I haven’t dated or had sex with a woman in a little over a year.” My mouth fell open.

“You?  Not the man of many women.”

“Yeah me, I want to have the right one.  Put God first you know?”

“You’re serious.”

“Very. I just work and I hang here and there. I don’t exclude myself from the world.  But a lot of things I just don’t do.”

“Woooow I don’t know what to say.”

“It was at that time that when things fell apart they came together for me.  When my clients were leaving.  God opened a door and I got a job working with the studio.  Travel, and I have new clients that will fly me out to them to do special gigs. I’m blessed what can I say.”

“I need to be honest…. I didn’t really want to hang out with you because I thought you wanted to sleep with me. I feel like crap now.”  He laughed.

“Well that’s true. I am still a man.  But I wasn’t going to move in on you and take anything from you. We have been knowing each other for ancient years.  And I always wanted you since we were kids Kaylon.”

“Are you serious?”

“Very. As we got older I saw the things you liked and the boys you looked at.  And I was far from that.  I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, had to get braces.  A huge nerd.  And it wasn’t until after the braces came off and the summer of eighth grade that the girls started noticing me.  I had put on some weight. And my dad had me running and lifting weights.”

“I remember that.  So you were insecure for awhile.”

“Yeah, very.  Remember when I came over to your house and I had asked you if you wanted to go to the movies with me?”

“Uh which time Darrin?  You always asked me to go hang out. And a lot of times I did.”

“No this time was different.”

“Did I say no.”

“Yeap."  I had just got my puppy, the Dash hound.”

“Yeah I remember that, I loved that dog! Oh how we cried when she died.  You let me name her too.”

“Well I came over and I had a pocket full of money.  I wanted to impress you.  Take you to the mall, buy you something. Movies and get something to eat.  My mother had already told me she would drop us off and pick us up.  But when I came to the door and was about to ask you, Billy Mason had walked up behind me.”
“I remember that.”

“I was hurt.  So I left and when school started I had all this attention from all these girls.  So I became a little player.”
“You sure did. I use to hear about all those girls and you did a lot of them wrong Darrin.”

“Because they weren’t you.”  I looked up from my salad, and looked right into Darrin’s eyes.  He was telling the truth.  The softness in his eyes, the weak smile he was giving me. Oh my gosh!

“I, I , I feel like…”
“No need to feel like anything.  How could you have known if I didn’t tell you.”

“I mean when we got into high school and college you hit on me a few times.  But your reputation wasn’t good.  And we grew up together.  I just thought you wanted to have sex with me so that you could go and tell your boys.” He shook his head no.

“I loved the way you smiled, how you made me and other people laugh.  How a lot of people were just instantly drawn to you.  You have always been smart and very sharp.  As we got older I knew that you would do well in life.  You have a way of getting people to do what you want.  You are beautiful and light up a room when you walk into it.  You are a stone cold business woman. Your whole personality and the way you carry yourself and set trends and not follow.  The list goes on.”

“I never ever felt this from you.”

“Because I felt I would always continue to be rejected and not taken seriously. I never thought that I would be the type of man that I had turned into.  I talked to  a lot of girls through junior high and high school to get your attention.  And then it slowly turned into a way of life for me.  When I got used and abused and my heart was walked over and all over from Tara. Everything I did came back ten fold.  And I paid for it.  So now I am in counseling. And I am really trying to do the right thing with my life.  It isn’t easy.  I love women and women love me.  Just because I am in church and go to church that doesn’t stop the sexual attraction.  And the women are quicker to have sex with me there. There are only a few that go there that I can really hang with and go out with that don’t throw themselves at me.  They be sure to remain women of God.”

“I am not saying people can’t change, but you have done a 180 haven’t you?”

“For the best. So all I want to do is hang out, take you out. Show you a different me.  Doesn’t mean that I am perfect.  I have thoughts and desires.  But I love you Kaylon, and that just won’t go away.”

 

I was surprised, behooved and taken back by all the things that Darrin had told me.  I was glad that we had finally talked and he brought a lot of things out in the open for me. 

 

 

 

I was having wild erotic mind-blowing sex with Chonce.  I knew his nose was open.  He was sending me flowers, all types of gift certificates to any and everything! Spas, department stores, boutiques, shoe boutiques.  He wined and dined me.  Took me out shopping.  And on the other hand I was spending time with Darrin, going to church and bible study on Wednesday’s.  Praying more and just because I was fornicating I didn’t let that get in the way.

 

 

Funny, I was now feeling guilty and weighed down more and more about being with Chonce.  I was spending more and more time with Darrin and I was having all these feelings for him.  I was staying the night at his place he was staying the night at my place.  After about four months of carrying on with Chonce I broke it off.  I could no longer take advantage of him, or let him take advantage of me. 

 

“What are you cooking that has it smelling allll good in here?”

“Whatever boy, grab a plate and let’s go eat out on the terrace.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

 

“I broke it off with Chonce.”

“Who is that?”

“A guy I was dating.”
“I didn’t know you were dating.”

“Well it was more than dating.  But yeap.  I realize now I want something meaningful.  I want to get married.  I want to be a good wife and a good woman to the right man. I want to be blessed and not have the Father constantly shake his head at me because I am living and walking down the wrong path.”

“Wooow is all I can say.  I am happy that you are on the right path.”

And that was all that was said. 

 

 

MOVING OUT, MOVING IN AND MOVING FAST

 

 

Darrin and I were now together.  A couple, and we were going to church and having mind blowing sex every now and then.  Until I broke down crying and said I could no longer do this.  We both were striving to do the right thing, and we were not doing each other any good by sleeping with one another.  We shared a lot of our lives together, had a lot in common, and always had good times.  I had now been back in the Chi for a year and a half.  Suffered through a winter that just about drove me batty and kept me inside of my condo most days working diligently.

 

“I can’t do this anymore.  Do you love me Darrin?”

“You know I do.”

“So what are we doing?  I mean we try and not have sex and still end up in each others bed and the guilt of that is killing me.”

“Me too.”

“So we gotta stop. We can’t stay any nights anymore with each other.  We can’t do this anymore. Maybe we should stop seeing each other as much.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can. You have been celibate for over a year before I came along. I need to try, I jumped from one man to you.  I mean we abstained from it for three months, we can do it again.  I want to be married the next man I lay with. And if that is not you, so be it. Then I have to let God show me who that man is. And if I am not the woman for you then you have to let God show you who is the wife for you.”

“Then marry me.”

“What?”

“You love me?”

“You know I do…but..”

“But what? We love each other we have known each other for years. You know the type of man I am.  I know the type of woman you are. Let’s do it.  Have our parents there and go to the justice if the peace and have a private ceremony and a huge reception.” My eyes watered, I loved Darrin, and I wanted him more than anything.  I just couldn’t see my life without him. And he didn’t know it, but I was on my way out of Illinois and looking to move Dallas Texas.  Diamond had left three months ago.  And I had went to go visit her and fell in love with the city.  But there was a guilt of leaving Darrin behind.  It was no secret to anyone that we were a couple. Our parents were overly happy and thought it was wonderful that after all this time we had decided to be together.  And since I had kept my end of the bargain with Cassie she was all for it.  Told me I could scout for talent there. She would set up talent casting calls and we work it together.  I had gotten more and more responsibility in her company. And she had no intentions of letting me go.  And I still loved what I did. She trusted me and I wholly trusted her to keep her word.  I wish I had this job in Florida.

“You are serious?”

“Than a heart attack.”

“When?”

“Whenever we can get down there and make it happen.”

It took us a week to get married.  Darrin had bought me a beautiful ring!!! 6kts! I was blown away.  I decided to still keep the condo to work out of as an office and to have time to myself.  My mother understood.  She knew me better at times than I knew myself. Darrin was aware of it. It took me another week to get settled in his house, now our house.  Darrin said that he wanted to sale his house and get one together.  I told him there was no rush.

 

We made our parents promise they would say nothing about us getting married. And because our mothers were sooo excited.  Darrin and I agreed to let them plan it, I really wanted to but I told them what I wanted and I still picked out the colors, china, food, and we went to the bakery and taste tested the cakes.  They just handed the extras I didn’t have time for. 

 

After we got married making love to my HUSBAND was a new and different beautiful experience. It was like we had made love for the first time!! We made love all day and all night. I was happy and so was he.  I felt a huge sigh of relief.

 

Darrin had thrown his self back into work.  I knew his work schedule was hectic and crazy. I pretty much worked my own schedule, I would go see Darrin at his job take him dinner and lunch.  We made sure we had a date night every week.  And then a private date during the week. We went to church and if he wasn’t working we went to bible study.  If he couldn’t make it I at times went alone.

 

 

A month after the reception, I was feeling indifferent.  I really started to see a lot of huge differences in Darrin.  I started to see a lot of things that I didn’t like.  And I had to keep telling myself over and over that I was freaking out and being critical as always and judging him too hard.  But after two more months had went by those things that bothered me were getting worse.  Darrin was immature in a lot of ways, ways that I had not noticed. Darrin didn’t pay his bills on time and didn’t handle business properly.  He was a hoarder of sorts and his office was a mad mess.  And he didn’t want me to touch anything! Darrin was also very very insecure! Now I know that we all have our little idiosyncrasies.  But Darrin would tell me he was handling the bills for the household and wasn’t.  Electricity was not getting paid and it was getting cut off every other month.  So was the gas.  So was the internet and cable.  He would get angry when I told him it got cut off and tell me to go pay it.  But he would always take the bills with him when he left. I was picking up behind him constantly and the dirty close was underneath our bed. I had talks with him over and over nicely about it.  But it didn’t work.

 

I was meeting Darrin at a café for lunch one day.  And while I was waiting guess who saw me and started speaking? You guessed it! Chonce! He just took a seat and started going on about how he missed me and wanted to see me and hasn’t stopped thinking of me.  Well when Darrin walks up, I introduce him as my husband of course. It wasn’t like Chonce didn’t see the ring on my finger he was ignoring it.  And neither did he give me an opportunity to talk.  Darrin was furious when he saw him, furious when I was on my laptop too long, talking on the phone too long, going anywhere without him and not asking him if he wanted to go.  I would create or have created a mass sin of destruction. I was getting more and more frustrated in my marriage to Darrin.  I had also noticed in one breath how he praised me, and in the next breath he was defaming me. He had mentioned more than once about how it “doesn’t bother me you make more money then me” Okay you say it once.  But to continue to say it over and over I saw the jealousy and hating.  Darrin had also began to start telling me things he didn’t like about me.  After all the things he said he LOVED about me, how beautiful, talented, sexy and wonderful I was.  And here I was now under a microscope.  I will admit I wasn’t perfect there were times I didn’t cook because I worked hard. There were times that I had worked late into the night and couldn’t give him my full attention. But he did the same thing, so what was the difference? Me spending time with my fam had began to be a problem if I didn’t ask him to go.  This wasn’t an issue before.

 

 I saw that Darrin really wasn’t secure with himself, how inadequate he really was.  How he had a ton of issues and I couldn’t fix them but God could.

 

It was one night that I had sat in front of the fireplace with my inner thoughts.  And it was then I knew that I knew I had gotten married for the wrong reasons.  I had married so that I would have one love and one love only. So that I would no longer be in the land of fornicators.  So that God would bless me and hear my cries, so that I would be under grace and mercy and wouldn’t feel guilty.  I had made a vow that I would love this man through sickness and health.  And I was now ready to walk out the door. The only thing Darrin and I did very well together was make powerful love.  That is the only time we had real fun.  I mean our conversations seemed hindered.  We still had our date nights and went out to eat and hung out.  But it was fake and felt fake to me.  Anytime I wanted to take about what was going on it would become sore between us.  Yet I was suppose to listen to him run down the list of what I was doing wrong.  We were both unhappy.

 

 

“Hey how was your day?”

“It was good, how was yours?”

“Not so good. Tears had started to form in my eyes.  And when Darrin saw that he rushed by my side and sat down next to me and grabbed my hands and held them.  I took a deep breath. We are unhappy. So why keep doing this?” Darrin had wiped my tears.

“I have been under a lot of stress at my job and taking it all of it out on you. You’re right, but I want to work it out.  I love you.”

“I am not sure I feel that way for you.  The same way you feel Darrin.”  I could tell I had hurt him.  But we promised to be honest with each other.

“Let’s try, counseling??” I wiped my face and turned my head away from him.  I didn’t want to be married anymore.  I wanted it to be over. My heart was no longer in it.

 

 

Darrin and I had started to go to marriage counseling.  And I let him talk. And just as he was breaking down all the things wrong about me. He had done this with the marriage counselor. I kept quiet for the first session, not saying a word.  Humming in my head, looking out the window. The second time she made sure I spoke. I told her all about my flaws and what I was doing wrong. And then I pulled out a piece of paper from my bag. I began to run down the 40 things that Darrin said I wasn’t and the flaws he saw.  I then began to run down all the things he said he loved about me but now longer loved those things about me.  They were all complaints, how I made more money than him and how he complained about that.  The one great thing was we had super passion in the bedroom, and that was all we had.  I was using Darrin as a sex object only.  Nothing else really mattered to me. I told her that I wasn’t in love with him when we got married, but I loved him. Darrin was shocked, but I don’t think the therapist was. I mean I could just imagine the stories she has heard.

 

 

After our second session with the therapist, as Darrin and I had left he just took us on a long drive.  We ended up at this cute quaint cozy bed and breakfast.  He got us a room for the weekend.  No questions asked of me if I wanted to be there or not. He opened the car door for me and I followed him to the room which was elegant.  He told me to wait for him and he would be back in a couple of hours.  To relax and take a hot bath, and before I knew it he would be back I did just that, I had no idea of what Darrin was up to.  But I played along.  I didn’t know what he was thinking because we didn’t speak in the car.

 

I was drinking some coffee when Darrin got back.  There were white terrycloth robes in the room.  So I wrapped up in one of those. Darrin had come back in the room carrying  shopping bags filled to capacity.  I was very curious in what he had purchased.  Darrin had placed the bags on the sofa he had gotten us a suite.  I watched as he had started taking the items out of the bag. He had purchased me a bikini, flip-flops, jeans, a beautiful white see through chiffon sundress.  He had also purchased himself clothes, and purchased my favorite scented candles and bath products.  There was still no words spoken from his mouth.  I sipped on my coffee, when Darrin had shown me everything he had purchased and then went into the bathroom and took a shower.  I walked outside to the veranda and snuggled up in the lounge chair. The weather was absolutely beautiful.  Spring was slowly coming in and the cold leaving.

 

Darrin had come outside wrapped up in a terrycloth robe.  He sat in the lounge chair next to me.  And we sat there in silence for at least twenty minutes before he spoke.

 

“I brought us here to relax and forget about our issues.  I don’t want to talk about any of that. Just enjoy this time away. No work, no nothing.  If we don’t talk if we don’t make love. I just want you to enjoy and have some peace this weekend.” I nodded my head. But I knew, I knew in my heart of hearts.  And I believe that Darrin knew we were officially over. When my mind is made up about something, there is nothing my heart can persuade me to do different.  Why does your heart not do what you tell it to I don’t know.  But I promised myself that I would give my all that I would step to the plate and admit my wrong doings and take constructive criticism.  That I would be a real woman and not argue the truth.  There were some things that I was doing and saying that were bringing some issues to our marriage. But I knew that I wasn’t the major wrong doer in this whole scenario.  I wanted to walk in the light, I was being selfish. And first I had to ask God to forgive me then my husband.

My husband had taken me out to dinner and we came back to the suite and had champagne and he ran a beautiful tub filled with rose pedals.  He placed candles all in the bathroom and around the Jacuzzi tub. It was beautiful, we got in the tub and I sat in between his legs leaning up against his chest.  The feel of the fresh pedals on my skin they were smooth and silky.

 

“Do you love me?”

“I love you Darrin.”

“I love you very much.”

“I know you do.”

“I don’t think you really do.”

“Why would I not?”

“Because you don’t. You are the woman I have not ever had in my life.  Most of the women in my life I had to take care of and lead in some type of way.  Some of them were extremely beautiful. But none have the beauty you have.  Just from us being together I have seen so many more wonderful qualities.  You’re a warrior I never thought you were that person.”

“You have no idea of my trials and my journey.”

“I do and I don’t.  I want us to work, and Kaylon I am willing to do whatever it is that I need to do to make this work.” My stomach cringed the guilt was on my shoulders.  I began to pray silently.  I knew that Darrin loved me more than I loved him. I knew Darrin worshiped me in a way that I didn’t want him to.  He saw so much and expected so much from me.  Darrin looked for me to save him.  How could I live up to a love like that?

“Darrin let’s just enjoy our bath and our champagne. And this wonderful bath you made us. Let’s not think of things like this right now.  My heart is so heavy.”

 

Making love, sex was passionate and full of energy a giving of ourselves.  It made me vulnerable and cry.  It made him vulnerable and he cried.  It was truly overwhelming but that is what we had, overwhelming moments in between sheets. 

 

 

PARTING IS NOT SORROW BUT INNER HAPPINESS AND PEACE

 

 

Things for me had not gotten any better, though the counseling sessions helped me as An individual. And helped me see some baggage, hurts and pains I had been carrying around in my life. I had made peace with myself, God and Darrin and I was okay with that. I mean truly okay. Okay that a man didn’t validate me, okay that alone didn’t mean lonely.  That single didn’t mean I wasn’t fulfilled as a person. I had to now truly wait for my real mate. 

 

And as much I had once hated being back home in the Chi. I had finally released that anger and had exhaled and relaxed in the great job I had been blessed with.  Happy to be able to see and visit my parents and friends; happy to have a roof over my head. 

 

The drama ensues….

One day Darrin had made a quick run to the store.  He had left his iphone in the kitchen and I was cooking dinner. I needed him to bring me back some red onions.  The phone had rang back to back and the text messaging was back to back.  I grabbed the phone to shut it down, and the name “Melody” showed up on the screen. When I checked all the calls and text messages they were all from her.  So of course now curiosity was peeked. I didn’t check the new messages. I went in the out and inbox to the old ones.  And the things I read had turned me quite bitter and I was shocked!!! There were sexually explicit messages.  And I now felt stupid… I cut the fire off under the pans and pots. Immediately stopped cooking, I went into the bedroom without thinking and went and grabbed some clothes out of the drawer and closet.  I stuffed in my Coach duffle bag and I grabbed my purse and my keys and left. I already knew the first place that Darrin would come looking for me would be the condo so I didn’t go there.  I went and got me a hotel room near the condo. I called my mom and told her that if Darrin had called her she had no idea of where I was.  And I didn’t tell her where I was.  I just told her I had gotten some bad news and I needed some time away from Darrin.  And that I would tell her what was going on later. 

 

I had too much pride to cry, but I was very angry and felt deceived and I wanted to hurt Darrin and curse him out 90 miles and running. My heart hadn’t stopped beating fast at all. I could literally feel my blood boiling and my pulse beating in my arms.  Darrin I knew was calling me but I had put my phone on silent.  My head was throbbing and then I had gotten a major headache.  I had ibuprofen in my purse, but I couldn’t take them without food. My stomach was flipping and didn’t have butterflies but it seemed a flock of  birds flying around trying to get out. My mouth was dry, and my jaws were tight. I was pacing back and forth, I wanted to scream and yell and I had to realize I was in a room.

 

I couldn’t sleep all I could do was think of all the lies that Darrin had told me about how much he loved me.  That I was the only one.  I was up all night, I didn’t check my phone. For what reason, I worked all through the night.  My eyes were burning from looking at the computer screen all night.  It was now 7 a.m. and my eyes were ready to shut.  But I was still feeling all the crazy anxiety on the inside.

 

When I woke up it was 11 a.m. I still didn’t get that much sleep.  And I still wasn’t able to eat. I didn’t want to look in a mirror and I didn’t want to shower.  I called my mother and told her that I loved her and yet I still wasn’t ready to fully talk because I needed to calm down. Of course this didn’t sit well with her because she was wondering what was going on.  But she respected my wishes and left me alone.  I was grateful for that, so I called the one person I felt I could really trust.  But I didn’t want any negative feedback.

 

“Girl you have said a mouthful.  Didn’t really want to be married and you have been unhappy for awhile now??? On paper, by career, outgoingness you two seem to be the perfect fit! I will admit that I was a bit leery of you and him dating and then marrying.  But I fully believed it would work because he had chased you for years. So what are you going to do?”

“This is the fuel I need to get the divorce.  It’s over.”

“You need me to come down there?”

“No, if I need you I will call.  I am going over there and move all of my things out of the house. I am going to leave the keys and find a place to live.”

“Yeah because you going back to your parent’s condo will not work he will be over there all the time.”

“Exactly. So I have been online looking for a nice quaint in the cut spot to stay.  I can’t go back to the condo for awhile. I checked my phone and he has sent me a ton of text messages I did not read and called me too many times to count. I am so done with him and all of this.”

“Well right now you don’t need any negative.  Forget that I am here for you and I am catching a plane there. Give me a special ringtone or something so that when I call you will pick up.”

“Diamond…”

“I am on the next flight out, I’m serious now. Just stay where you are at until I get there. Matter of fact just give me the hotel and room number and I will reach you there.”

 

I gave Diamond the info. And I went straight to work. I had to do something to keep busy.  Crying was the last thing I was going to do.

 

I had left the hotel to get some fresh air, I was tired of being cooped up in the room this was day two and my nerves were getting shot. The only people I was speaking to were Cassie, my mom and Diamond.  And Diamond wasn’t getting out here until Sunday.  I knew that Monday would be the best time to go get my things from out of the house.  Mondays were very busy days at the studio for Darrin.  He didn’t have that day off like some salons did.  All sorts of tapings and pilots were being shot and all hands on deck were indeed needed. I was and wasn’t in a rush to get my things.

 

Darrin was blowing my phone up, and ignoring him was not going to help.  And I didn’t need him calling back to back and blocking other important calls that I needed to get because he was hogging my airtime and filling my voicemail up where no one else could leave a message.  Why keep avoiding him?  I had to face the music at some point and time I just didn’t feel like doing it right now.

 

“Hello!!! What the hell is going on?!! Where are you?!! You just up and leave and don’t answer your phone and I am calling all over looking for you. You tell your mom and Cassie you are okay but not me?!!!”

“First I need you to stop yelling.  And then I will tell you what is going on.”

“This better be good Kaylon, I mean damn good!”
“I wanna divorce. That way you can have sex with whomever you

want to. Date who you want to text the women and talk about sex, call them all of that.  Do you.”  There was mad silence. What could he say? He had to know I had checked his phone. And I hung up the phone. The silence was bothering my stomach. And I was now disgusted with hearing his voice.  And just to think we had this weekend together, been going to counseling.  And still “making love” or having this earth shattering sex in bed. I was over it. 

 

I thought Darrin would call me back. But he didn’t.  I didn’t get anymore calls or text messages from him the remaining of the day.  And I was grateful for that.  I had put my enemy at rest, he was now the enemy.

 

 

I had parked my car around the corner from the house.  I walked up the block and I didn’t see Darrin’s car in the driveway. I was grateful for that, so I rushed to my car and pulled into the driveway and quickly got out of the car.  I unlock the door, and I ran into the bedroom grabbing clothes and stuffing them in garment bags, duffle bags, suitcases.  I didn’t realize how much stuff I had. I then grabbed some boxes and started throwing my shoes in them.  I did this for three hours until all of my things were out of the house. I got my files, packed up my other laptop and I left not to return to the house anymore. I couldn’t wait for Diamond.  Everything and I do mean everything I had bought and all my personals were gone. I was glad that I didn’t have any furniture or big appliances in the house.  Whew! It was over and official for me!

 

When Diamond got to town we just indulged each other.  We ate worked out a lot I had a lot of aggression.  We went to the spa, movies; shopping therapy was fun because I hadn’t done that in months because I had promised him that I would save money.  But I had taken every cent I had put in our joint accounts. 

 

I had gone and spoke to an attorney and had gotten the process ready for the divorce. I lied and told him that I didn’t know where he was. I did not want to chance the fact that the divorce didn’t go through.  But the attorney read right through me.  He knew I knew where he was.  But he filed the way I asked.  For him not to be served. I didn’t want any issues from Darrin at all.  I had finally spoke to my mother and dad and told them what had happened, though they were very hurt. They understood and stood behind me 100%. My dad had a few choice words. But my dad was no joke I had to ask him to stay out of it. I hadn’t called his parents and said anything. The only people who knew were my parents, Darrin and Diamond.

 

After about a week of kicking it with me, Diamond went on back to Houston.  And I settled back into the condo. I had given my doorman explicit instructions to not let him up.  I had changed the locks.  And I had threw myself into work.  And I had planned to go on a singles cruise in a couple of weeks.  Of course Darrin was still calling and still talking but I was ignoring the calls.  I wasn’t ready to talk to him, what did he have to say?

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

“I’m glad that you had decided to talk to me.”

“No problem. So say what you need to say.  I have plans this evening and I have to get dressed.”  The look on Darrin’s face was hurt and shock.  I could care less at this point.  Yes I did have a date, no sex, but a date.  I was invited out to a premier at the theatre and the tickets were over a hundred dollars.  I wanted to get out and let my hair down and enjoy myself.

 

“You are still….nothing. I am asking you to forgive me. I was wrong.  And I just need you to forgive me is all.”

“Darrin I had to forgive me, and I ask that you forgive me.  I have been on my knees asking God to forgive me.  I did the all the wrong things for the right reason.  I wasn’t in love with you as you were with me.  I settled, I settled because I wanted to have a permanent lover in my life. I wanted someone to be faithful to.  I got caught up.  I accept your apology. However I ask you to accept mine in return.  I knew that I had done the wrong thing about a month after we had got married and for me things had gotten worse.  I should of known better, a friend is a friend.  And you don’t marry friends you love and not in love with and want to spend the rest of your days with.  I will admit I was hurt, and in the back of my brain and in the recesses of my heart I had a nagging feeling you hadn’t changed. I saw what I wanted to see. So this is as much my fault as it yours.  But I am glad that it all turned out the way that it did.”

“You mean to tell me you didn’t love me?”

“I wasn’t in love big difference Darrin.  I haven’t given up hope.  I will just date and stay celibate. And the man that is for me is out there. Because when you love someone the last thing you want to do is hurt them or yourself. You hurt me, and I hurt myself. And all of this could have been avoided. …….. look I gotta go.  I can’t say right now I would like to be friends with you. I know I have to heal from all this drama.  But I will be in touch. Just give me some space and time is all I ask.” I got up and walked away.

 

 

 

I think of Darrin here and there. Can’t help but to. I mean we grew up together.  But it is these quiet times of reflection that at times an overwhelming amount of guilt rains on me. I mean we had known each other forever it seems. And because of my mistake I lost a great friend. We may have not hung out and seen each other a lot when I lived in Florida. But we did talk, email and on my vacations back to Chicago we would spend time together and have a ball.  I was very close to his parents as he was to mine.

 

I made it back to Florida, was able to save up and buy a beach house that was in pre-foreclosure.  Cassie helped me out a lot in that area, she turned out to be one of the best things that happened for me when I had to go back to Chicago. She moved her offices to New York.  And I fly there at least four times a month.  Which is fine with me, we worked a great system together. The wonderful thing about all of this is her business has actually grown and she will be pretty close to an empire one day.  And I want to see that happen for her. 

 

 

I stayed in Chicago for another six months before I left and found this beautiful home I purchased.  I threw myself into work.  And I didn’t want to leave there until I got those divorce papers. Of course I lied and said that we had split and separated to get the process going and didn’t wait so long to get the divorce.  I wanted to make sure that I was able to mail those divorce papers certified mail to Darrin.  And when I got conformation of that, I used my frequent flier miles and left for Florida.  Most of my things had been shipped there to my home already.  I had one of my good friends there stay in the house for a week waiting on fed-x to deliver my property. 

 

I thought I wanted to move to Dallas, but that was not where my heart was.  I had stayed in Chicago for a little over two years.  And Since Cassie was more than happy with my work and what I had done for her company and how well we worked together.  She had no problem with me going back to Florida under the condition that I had to come to her New York offices every so often.  Which we worked out.  I will spend three days four at the most when I do go. 

 

I’ve been back to Florida for almost a year, and I am very happy.  And things really worked out for me.  A man that I have loved for years but never pursued anything together because of the long distance between us are now dating! Funny how things work out, I am not rushing towards anything but my comfort level is not on edge with him.  I am still celibate because I had to prove that to myself.  That a man didn’t validate me sexually, mentally or emotionally.  That all I needed was me!

 

Darrin and I no longer speak. He has tried to reach out to me. But I just prefer that he moves on with his life without me in it.  I hold no grudges in my heart. Just some memories that linger here and there like right now as I have been sitting on my deck. 

 

I took another wonderful look at the beauty of the day.  Dean was on his way here, he said he had something important to ask me….. I wonder what that could be….

 

 

“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

02/2011

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crocs Fall 2011 Styles: Women

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