In this life we must always keep the inner demons at bay.  We must love ourselves so that we may love others , and in turn be loved. It is the selfishness that always dwells within side of us that can give off in the giving of hurt and pain....

My mother said when she saw me right after I was born.  That I was going to be a handful.  And I was not going to be about shit.  Damn that is a cold thing to say about your newborn baby.  But my mother cursed and blessed us all.  She had seven children.  And each one she looked at after having she basically told their future. Like she had this crazy intuition or something, could see the future.  Your future.

My first and oldest brother.  She said he would be a wimp no back bone and would let people run over him.  She was right!  My oldest brother is a big azz wimp! Hell I think he is gay.  But all the women, his job, my family members run all over him.

My second older brother when my mom saw him, she said that he would be strong, athletic, and real smart.  Make her real proud.  Well, she was right!  My brother was very athlectic and very strong.  Didn't take much from people.  Held the family together.  Excelled in track and field, baseball, basketball and football.  He stayed in the books and he is now a very successful attorney.

My third older brother, she saw him and they said that she broke down crying!  Now this one I was told would be sickly and slow.  And so it is and so it was to be.  My brother came here with not being a retard.  But he was slower than the other kids.  And he always needed attention.  He is in a home for people that are of his caliber.  I mean he is in his late thirties and lives in these apartments for people who are like him, a burden on their family and society.  They give them simple easy jobs to do. The government pays their rent.  But they live alone.  And my mother stayed at the hospital with him.  He caught every childhood ailment you could think of!

The fourth oldest was finally a girl!  My mother knew she was having a girl with my first sister who broke the trio of boys my mother had. My mother laughed and smiled when she was born.  She said that this one would be sweet, loving and caring.  And do right by her family and herself. A good girl basically.  And so it was, my sister was loved and liked by everyone!  There was not one person who did not like her.  All her teachers from preschool to her professors in college.

The fifth child, my oldest sister.  Again my mom knew she was having another girl and was happy and sad all at the same time.  Because she said she was grieving for her already.  This one was to be what my mother called a bytch!  And my sister was, she was chased by men and boys!  She was fast, talked back, disrespectful, never did what she was told.  Can not tell you the numerous abortions she has had.  Had so many of them she can not have kids ever again.  My sister did drugs, loved to fight and was in and out of jail. But because she was so beautiful, there were many men who took care of her very well.  So she could afford to do what she wanted. Come and  go as she pleased.  Never asked us for any money or anything. She abused drugs and partied all she wanted.  And so she did. Do her, and life as she saw to it. And shame my mother.  She was a true uppity drug addict bytch!

The next child in line which is the sixth child.  Another boy.  My mother was happy and smiling all the time. When he got here, she kissed him on the forehead and blessed him with love, courage and hope.  To be a dreamer and adventursist.  A purist and intelligent.  And so he is! This man has done and gone just about any and everywere you could think of.  He would just leave the country back packing with very little money.  He was not afraid of anything.  He read all types of books from medicine to law. He got along very well with my sister and brother who were what I call the doo gooders. He always got good jobs, great jobs.  He never went to school, but he could do any job you can think of.  And self taught himself a lot of things. 

I was the last of the bunch.  And my mother hated me from the wound!  She said she was carrying Rosemary's baby! And she was not lying! I wasn't shyt, didn't turn out to be shyt, and do not give a fuk about anybody but me.  I have robbed, fought, done jail and prison time.  I didn't mess around with the small stuff on the streets. I always wanted to be next to the man. Never a line down from him. 

I ditched school always got kicked out of school, and I did not graduate. My mother did not want to have anything to do with me.  And she said I always embarrassed her when we all went out somewhere.  I was the badest of them all.  She called me the anti-christ. And it seemed to me for a long time I really believed that I was not my parents child.  I never fit in with any of the other kids in my family.  Not even my sister who was disrespectful.  No not me, I hated my family.  So it was then I knew I was a child of the devil!

I laugh when I say this, that was so long ago.  But I felt it was my job to be cruel and mean. To abuse those around me.  And I still feel that way to this day. I could give a fuk about any one unless I benefit from the shyt.  I do not play at all about my money.

I have been stabbed, jumped, shot at. And I have a lot of enemies that want me dead.  But no matter how hard they try to get me.  They get got themselves before they can get to me.  I live the high-life.  I act and do not talk like someone from the streets.  Even though I chose to live this life. A life of fukery and pain, because I feel as if I have the upper hand when I can make others suffer.  What has any of these bastards done for me?

Silence.................

A knock on the door.................

Silence.................................

Sirens....................

Screams...................

Cursing...................

Silence.

 

I guess it is in cold in hell when you have lived a life like mine.  And now I await my punishment in hell, by my master. He laughs at me and says,"Congratulations my child. You served me well."

 

"Just Toy"

Written Expressions

7/2008

 

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