When is it that we as PEOPLE realize that what we say and do effect the many people that love us and that we are suppose to love are so effected by the many decisions that we make.  Choices.. we all have them..choices
I dreaded this moment. So as I stood in front of the house that had given me so many good times and bad times. I inhaled deeply, and slooooowly exhaled. I do this five times giving myself a bit of a buzz because I was in taking more than usual amount of oxygen. My handbag on my shoulder seemingly was a whole lot heavier. I had to relax, relate and release. And trust with all my might and fight that was within me I was pushing myself to this grand feat! I held on tightly to the car rental keys in my hand. “Come on Jill you can do this! Buck up! You have to do this! You have to!” I pulled my shoulders back and walked up the swirly sidewalk path that led to the front door. Walking up a slight hill. As I walked to the front door I noticed that everything seemed to be the same. With a couple of changes to the shrubbery, flower bushes and roses. The one thing that had bothered me was seeing all the sale papers on the ground under the mailbox. It was an array of trash that was piled and stacked up. It looked as if no one lived here. I reached into my purse and grabbed my personal keys that had the house key on it. Indeed it had been years since I had used it, but I knew exactly what key it was. So I took my key and slid it into the lock and slowly turned the lock left. I heard the deadbolt click, I proceeded to do the same with the other lock on the doorknob. When I opened the door I was blown back to a time I prefer not to recall.


It was dim and musty in the house. And that gave me an eerie vibe. On the living room coffee table was a half eaten sandwich sitting on top of a paper towel along with half eaten chips. An unopen bottle of water. I stood in the center of the living room looking around. This house looked nothing like it did when I left. I can say one thing, darkness and a dim room was not how I grew up. There was always light, plenty of it! But now over some of the windows were dark sheets to keep the sun rays out. I could tell that the furniture that was in the living room was new. In fact a lot of the furnishings and television were. But looking around and the smell that was in the house when I walked in did not mince. It also looked as if no one was home. It was way to quiet! I walked to the kitchen, and there were dirty dishes stacked up on the counter and in the sink. Although stacked neatly, again this was not a good sign. When growing up there was no such thing as dirty dishes in a sink! Either you washed them. Or you rinsed them and placed them in the dishwasher. And when the dishwasher was full then you could start it. Once the dishes dried off, one had to put them away. I looked as trash overflowed and some was on the floor around the trash can. There were balled up napkins and paper towels strewn all over the place more than anything. The kitchen was dimly lit as well with a black sheet over all the kitchen windows. Again I was perplexed. I immediately put my purse down on one of the kitchen chairs and immediately started cleaning the kitchen. It was just something that had been taught and groomed inside of my head. Anyone could come over at my house at anytime and never see and unkempt kitchen unless I was cooking. Even while I cooked I cleaned as I went along.


I looked under the cabinets and to my surprise there were many products to clean the kitchen with. I mean I shouldn't have been surprised because there always were cleaning products under the kitchen sink. But now surprised because the kitchen was a mess and I was thinking that maybe there was nothing to clean it up with. I found some new scented candles that had not been open. There were three lemon ones, and I decided to burn two of them as I cleaned. The musky odor in the house along with that annoying “you need to empty the trash” smell was wafting and mixing in the kitchen. I also opened up the kitchen windows. It took me about thirty minutes to get it clean, wiped down, swept and mopped. Wiping the walls down as well. I was a beast. Too many dishes to wash so I of course loaded the dishwasher which this was new too. Or new to me!


When I was done, I grabbed my purse and put it on my shoulders and had decided to walk around and see the rest of the house. In the laundry room off of the kitchen was a ton of dirty laundry! And again I have never ever seen anything like this while growing up. There were two dirty clothes hampers over flowing with clothes. There were clothes on the floor, on top of the dryer and washer. And when I opened up the washer there were spoiled clothes sitting inside damp! So me being me I had restarted the washer. The musky smell weighed heavily in here! So I assume that it was here where the smell had wafted through the kitchen and living room. It had to be over seven loads of clothing strewn about on the floor and in hampers. I shook my head and took another deep breath as I walked out and into the bathroom that was next to the laundry room. When I opened the door, I soon shut the door! The smell was out of this world foul!


“What has been going on?” I said out loud as I made my way out of the laundry room through the kitchen. Grateful that the lemon candles were making their presence known. I decided to get the other one and light it up in the laundry room. I could see that my work was cut out here!


The dining room was off of the living room on the left side of the living room. And when I looked inside scanning. There was bills, envelopes, newspapers, magazines, sales papers alll over the table stacked up high as well as on the floor. Again this furniture was new. It looked as if no one had sat on these chairs. And with all the clutter and filth around how could anyone appreciate the new furniture if the house was so unkempt? I rolled my eyes upwards and walked out. What in the hell was going on I kept asking myself over and over and over!


This is a huge house all one level. I believe my father said it was over four thousand square feet. With five bedrooms, A master bath to the master bedroom. Two full baths and a ¼ bath off the laundry room. There was a huge family room that led you to the patio and huge backyard we had. As I started walking down the hallway my nose picked up on a whole new smell! Urine! I mean potent urine that was wafting and permeating the hallway! I had to cover my nose and breath from my mouth the smell was so damn pungent! I came to my old bedroom first. I stood there for a moment as I held the doorknob and then I opened the door. I was shocked! The windows were open, there was sunlight in my old bedroom. My room was redecorated! I had always wanted a white bedroom! And this bedroom looked as if it had been taken out of a luxury five star hotel! White goose down comforters, duvets, feather down pillows. White sham around the bed. The carpet was white and looked new! There was a white lace see through canopy surrounding the bed and draped so elegantly. Beautiful black and white photographs of art were on the walls. A white chair and white desk that was contemporary modern was in the room along with a new flat screen TV that was mounted to the wall. There were pictures of my friends, prom, homecoming all in enlarged and in beautiful white frames. White candles were placed in various areas of the room. On top of the glass night tables and dresser. I furrowed my eyebrows, I was confused! I was literally scared to walk on the white carpet and beautiful furry rugs! So I took my shoes off! I went to open my closet and it looked as if all of the stuff I had left behind was in white boxes organized and labeled! Who did this? I closed the closet and then retreated to the bathroom. It to was all white and very clean! It was as if my room was some type of museum or even better a showroom!


I walked out closing the door behind me and back to the smell of urine! I walked to my brothers old room. And when I opened up that door it was the same thing! Very clean and decorated! My brother had always used the bathroom in the hallway. I was the one who had my own bathroom. That is until we had guest. Because “my bathroom” connected to the other bedroom. Jack and Jill set up. My brothers favorite color when growing up was always black and ocean blue. My brother loved water and the various colors of the ocean when it was connected to beautiful islands. And that was the artwork on the walls. Everything in here was new as well! Flat screen TV, surround sound with a brand new laptop that sat on the desk. The room was well lit and also had the windows open to allow the fresh air to come in. Again my mouth now open and being in a daze I walked out and closed the door back behind me, I moved on to the room my parents once shared.


When I walked towards the master bedroom there was when the smells got stronger! Clothes all over the floor! Not knowing if they were all clean or dirty. I am talking all over the floor strewn about and the bed! The closet doors were wide open and were junky and things were piled up and looked as if the contents in the closet would soon topple over! The sheets on the bed were filthy and had dried up urine stains all over them! You could even see the dirt on the sheets! What madness was this? What had gone wrong? Again I was stunned! There were empty bags of fast food places on the night stands and the floor. And this was the irony, all healthy type foods and healthy empty juice containers. There was trash, bags of new clothes, cleaning products, beauty products like soap and shampoos. When I went into the bathroom it was atrocious! The tub and toilets looked as if they had not been cleaned in years! And the smell! It was making me nauseated! I had to walk out. No run out!


My last room was the family room. Again new furniture, flat screen TV, DVD player and surround sound. This room smelled as well because there was no door to it. It was a huge open space. The fireplace was cleaned out to perfection! The rugs on the hardwood floors new! There was no dust or dirt anywhere in that room! Magazines, books all properly placed. The butter chocolate leather sofas looked as if no one had sat down on them. Everything new!


I went into my old bedroom and removed my shoes. I laid my purse on the bed. I sat on the edge of this “new” bed and I cried, I wept. All the old angst of past hurts and pains overwhelmed me. I had made a choice to never come back here. I had made a choice not to be anything like my parents. I had made choices to do better and be much better than my parents were. And that I would not travel the same roads.


When I was done crying I finally removed my jacket and went outside to the rental car. I got my luggage out and pulled out a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. I put my luggage back in the trunk and went back inside and changed my clothes and went to work on the house. There was no way that I would be able to let this house look the way that it was. Even though I cried, and I curse, and was angry doing it. I got it to it!


I washed clothes and folded them. Gagging and refluxing I cleaned the bathrooms! All of the clothes that were on the floor in my parents old room was put into huge garbage bags! I was so glad that there were gloves in the house that I could use. I changed the sheets on my mothers bed and I opened up every damn window and sliding door in that house to air it out! I removed all of the dark sheets from the windows. All of the paperwork that I felt was important in the dining room table I placed in a box. All the other stuff I threw out. I dusted, vacuumed, moped and swept. I disinfected everything in the bathrooms. I had to reload the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away. Within an hour I had five bags of trash that had to go outside! I flipped the mattress over in my parents room and sprayed Lysol and febreeze all on the floor and bed. I was like some sort of speed demon as I went from one thing to the next. My back had started to hurt I was doing so much cleaning!


So far I had managed to wash five loads of clothes. And yet and still there had to be about seven more to wash. At this rate it would take all day tomorrow to get it done. I had left the house and I went directly to the store and had bought more lemon scented candles for the house and I had bought plug ins too. I wonder if anyone knew that this house was like this. And how long had my mother been living like this.


I was tired and very famished! So I went to the rental car and got some more clothes out of my luggage. I came back inside and I took a long hot shower. I oiled my body up and hopped in the car and drove around until I found something I wanted to eat. I came back to the house and it was smelling a whole lot better than when I had first arrived earlier this morning. I never thought once to where my mother was. I had been in the house for well over eleven hours arriving at six am this morning. It was not far from seven pm. Even though the sun was still out.


I took my food into the kitchen and sat at the table to eat. After I ate I loaded the washer one more time. And went and tackled my moms room some more. I had to keep myself busy! Her room of course was the worse room of the house! And her bathroom needed some extra TLC! As I had walked out of my mothers room and back to the kitchen, I seen my mother pull up in her car. She was here! My stomach immediately felt that empty scary feeling and a huge swarm of butterflies entered inside. My heart was beating fast! And I swallowed hard! Looking at my mom take her time to get out of the car, at first I could see nothing about her that looked out of place. Her hair looked like it was freshly done. She looked glamorous as usual. But as she walked to the front door, I could tell that she was drunk! She stumbled and wobbled to the front door. I was hoping the neighbors didn't see her. However I am sure that they have gotten full eye service to her many times before. It was just that I was here and I didn't want to be embarrassed!


I could hear my mother struggling with her keys and trying to get the door open. So I walked over to the front door. Acting as if I would get cursed out and yelled at as soon as I opened the door.


When I opened the door and my mother saw my face. I could tell she was very surprised! She looked me up and down. Smiled and laughed out loud and then fell face first on the floor. She reeked of alcohol and God only knows what else. I grabbed my mom by her underarms and drug her to her fresh and clean room. I got her on the bed which was extremely trying because she was dead weight! I took off her shoes and clothes. I ran a hot bath for my mother. I wanted her sober, I wanted her to be fully aware of her surroundings and me. Her child that has not come to see her in the past ten years. The one that rarely talks to her. The one that cannot send a “real” mothers day gift. But calls you and sends a card that is very basic. The one who calls on holidays only. And the one who cuts off conversations with you quick when you call. Only to make sure that you are not sick or laid up in a hospital. I wanted my mother to know I was here. And we needed to get down to business!


I had finally gotten my mother into the tub of course with her fighting me and wanting to lay down. Not on my watch, not while I was here. Face your demons right now! After my mom was in the tub. I made sure to keep splashing cold water on her face! Not in a harmful way. But I kept cleaning her face with a cold wash towel. I went in the kitchen as she was in and out of her drunkard state and I made some fresh coffee. I came back to the bathroom pushing my mother out of her stupor! I was not having it!


When the coffee was ready I brought a cup to her just as I recalled she liked it and made her drink it. My mothers hairdo was over because she had gotten her hair completely wet! I was so livid with my mom at this point and had no idea of what I was going to do with her. All the anger from our talks, me cleaning up this house, my brother, dad, her life our life and this house and what she was doing to herself and had done to herself had me pissed off! Honestly I was surprised that my mother hadn't gotten into any major accidents or was found dead somewhere. This is how she was living her life and had been living her life the past six years! I had heard a plethora of stories from relatives. I had to tell them to only call me when and if she was in some sort of trouble because they wore me out. A lot of my relatives understood wholly why my brother and I stayed away. And others felt that we should forgive and forget. I was working on the forgiving part, that is why I was here. My brother on the other hand did not speak to my mother at all. For him he no longer had a mother she had died to him a long time ago. And when I told Jeremy I was coming back home his words were, “Good luck with that.” Jeremy hated our parents and despised them to no ends!


My mother was slowly coming around. After she had her long bath I made sure she got in a semi cold shower so that she could be fully up. I had no idea of how long I would be here. And all it would take was one my mother saying or doing the wrong thing and I was out of there! When my mom stepped into the shower, being obedient to my commands which surprised me. She shrilled as she got into the shower under the water! But she eventually took it like a champ and let the cool water course her body. The more I looked around the bathroom. Not paying attention at first when I was cleaning, this was a completely refurbished bathroom! All new fixtures! Marble tile and a new bathtub. So why was a woman who was a clean neat freak to this point? No matter how tired, if my mother worked all day long, traveled, stayed up all night, partied my mother would clean her house! If she was upset or hurt we could wake up at two or three in the morning and my mother would be on her hands and knees cleaning, painting, wiping down walls, starting in on a project late at night. We knew when this happened which was a lot that our mother was under duress!


I had to go get some fresh and clean towels that I had washed earlier. And again I was still washing and folding clothes. Which once my mother had gotten some food in her stomach, water and cranberry juice. I was sure that she would join me in getting the rest of her room done and the laundry. If I knew my mother well. Me being here and surprising her would force her into cleaning up or doing something to the house. I knew my mother was well out of her comfort zone.



I could tell that my mother was slowly coming out of her drunkenness. I made myself busy, there was a load of clothes that I still needed to fold. I looked at all the candles that were still burning. I inhaled the sweet island aroma that was starting to permeate through the laundry, kitchen and bathroom. I had placed three plug-ins in the kitchen. One in the laundry room and bathroom. The windows were still up of course. This house was claustrophobic and beyond filthy and plain junky. I wanted my mother to explain so much now. When I left the house it was not on good terms.


It was the day after my graduation. My mother and father had gotten me a car for my graduation and it was the weekend. So me and my two best friends were going to hit up the amusement park and have a wild ole time! My mother and father had went out that night and hadn't come home and that was a huge relief for me. Nothing crazy would happen. I could have my girls come over here and we all leave from here. So as they all got dropped off to my house. I was still getting my self together slowly. All of our boyfriends were meeting us up there.


As my girls and I were clowning, chatting and joking around. We all heard the slamming of the front door. Shortly after we heard loud laughter. My parents had made it back home. And I was hoping that they would do nothing to embarrass me. We could here them walking down the hallway talking loud and laughing. They went directly to their room. And slammed the door. I knew they were intoxicated or on something. I exhaled when their bedroom door slammed. So I quickly finished up not letting my girls see my face stressed and body tensed. I announced it was time to go. So we got our jackets and bags and each of us started walking out of my bedroom. I was feeling better because we had gotten out of the house and as we walked to my car the girls were all in. I was relieved. It wasn't until I had slid my key in the ignition that my girlfriend Tara had said, “I need to use the restroom.” My eyes must of bulged out of my head and then snapped back in my head! I wanted to tell her she couldn't go back inside. That she had to hold it, or we go somewhere else. But I knew that I couldn't. So I got out of the car and we walked back up to the front door and inside of the house. I told Tara to use the bathroom by the laundry room. As I stood pacing in the living room, constantly looking down the hallway making sure my parents didn't come out. Heart racing, getting ansty. I realized that Tara was taking a long time. Like she should have been finished! But I was so worried about my parents coming out of their room. I decided to go to the laundry room, and there it was in full frontal view! My parents were naked! And Tara was in the middle of them. My mom and Tara were deeply kissing each other. Tara's hand was rubbing and playing with my moms nipple. And my dad had his hand rubbing in between Tara's legs! My mouth fell open! My heart fell out of my chest into my stomach. I then blacked out!


When I came too I was lying on the sofa in the living room. I had a cold wet towel on my forehead. My mother was sitting at my feet. I looked around and was now wondering how did I get here? And where and what and how did it happen. When I rushed to get up I got dizzy, my mom told me to take it easy. When I got my barrings my mother had told me that my girls had all left. My dad was dropping them all off back home. She told me that I had blacked out. And as soon as she told me what happened she got up from the sofa. Patted my legs and walked away. I then heard her bedroom door close. I knew what I saw, and I knew what had happened. I was far from crazy! I was mad! I was hurt and embarrassed and this was the fire that had burned me! This was the mad crazy that my mother and father had taken my brother and me through! This was the maddening abnormal behavior. I was done!! No more would I allow them to hurt me! I went in my room and I packed up all my clothes, shoes everything. I knew that I couldn't fit everything in my car. Public Storage! I immediately went to the Public Storage facility that wasn't far from the house. I bought boxes and packing supplies. I rushed back home and started packing up my TV, stereo, computer all of it!! Every gift my parents bought me got packed. Little by little I got everything I could in my mini storage closet! My mother had never come out of the room, and my dad still hadn't made it back home yet. Lord only knew what he was doing and where he was. All I knew was, I was angry and had the shakes severely. I took everything but the furniture. I was out of my parents home, the home of hell and torture! I was gone! And I had no idea of where I was going. But I knew I would figure it out!


Tears were rolling down my cheeks. This memory was just a drop in the bucket to the things I had went through and seen in my house growing up. I grew up in a home that was dysfunctional and parents that were half baked! Painful.... I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes. I shook the memory away and started a new load of clothes. And started the dryer with the clean wet clothes.


Being in this house...being in this house of horrors, circus, crazies, abusers!! There were very few people that knew what my brother and I were seeing nor going through for a very long time! My parents had many fooled! And I do mean very fooled! They had people believing that we were perfect loving close tight knit family. Jeremy and I had every new invention, TV, sound system, clothes, shoes, cars when we turned sixteen. New cars when we graduated. We went on family vacations all over the globe! Jeremy and I were always in some class or some extra curricular activity! It was simple, either you get good grades or you get nothing. We both learned that lesson the extreme hard way! And trust after pulling it twice on our parents it did not happen again!


I was remembering the past, something I had made sure to run away from. When I

made new friends I never told them of my parents. They lived in another state for all my “friends” so there was never a question in meeting my parents. I didn't talk about my mom and dad to my friends like they spoke on theirs. I walked over to the kitchen table. I looked over to the kitchen window, and I embraced the night glow as I seen the stars caress the mountains and valleys ahead. As the coolness of the night and crisp breeze blew through the window. The moon was hiding and watching over other followers. I feel he knew that I was feeling so many emotions. Had it been a full moon I may have turned into a werewolf and ate my mom to the bones! It was like I had no feelings or emotions when it came to my mother. We were so far apart from each other. There was no closeness between her and I. Just as there was none between my brother and her. My mother had a faux love for the both of us. Very fake, it was like when my mother was in public or in front of others she kissed, hugged, smiled and spoke very highly of us. The many clubs, programs, classes we took. How we were honor roll students and made straight A's. And when they left, her peers and her audience she went back to the cold woman she was. I could not tell you if my mother really loved us or not. When we fell or was sick she took very good care of us. My mother made dinner five days of the week and kept a very clean house. And no matter if my dad came home or not we all ate at the dining room table or the kitchen table. We all made idle small talk. There were great times when we went on weekend getaways and vacations. Over to other peoples homes my parents were very loving and caring towards us. When we did well in school and got awards we were given fabulous gifts and taken wonderful places. And then my parents would do something that would mess it up. And again create that odd hurt pain that my brother and I loathed so much. Oh how many nights my brother Jeremy and I thought of so many ways to kill them and not get caught.


I got up from the kitchen table and made me a small cup of coffee. I kept the coffee maker on. As I had finished adding the creamer and raw sugar in my coffee my mother walked in. She was so innocent looking with no make-up on and her hair slicked back in a ponytail. My mother had an oversize T-shirt on and socks. She was sobered up. She walked over to the coffee maker and poured her a fresh cup. She went in her new sub zero stainless steel fridge and grabbed a bottle of cold water. She downed some water before she closed the fridge door. She then went and grabbed a seat across from me but a chair over so that she was not looking directly into my face or sitting right across from me. She had not changed a bit. My mother was always guilty when she acted an azz and a hateful bytch!


“Thank you...I took a sip of my coffee. Looked out the kitchen window. I had no idea you were going to come here. I would have cleaned up. She rubbed the top of her head. And patted her hair as if she were placing any fly away hairs in place. She then wrapped her hair around her fist and took a sip of her coffee. Thank you.”

“Why was the house looking like this?” I didn't want to have any small how are you doing banter with my mother.

“Depressed.” I looked over at my mom as if she had said a bad word.

“Depressed? About what? Dad?” My mom would not look over at me.

“No...not at all.”

“Then what?”

“You and your brother Jeremy. Me, my life and the way I have acted still acting. No I am mostly mad. I get angry at times.”

“You get angry? Mad? Depressed? I am so lost.” And I truly was.

“I hated your dad. I hated the ground he walked on. Because he made all the money and told me not to work. He made the rules, he ran me and this house. Told me if I left I would never see you or Jeremy. That he would spread lies to my family and you two of the woman I was. Some of the things he said were true. Only because he made me do them. There were a few times I left, and he always found me or knew where to look it seemed. He had said things that had my mother and father siding with him. And at times making me the villain and ungrateful. Humph, he would beat me when he found me. And after wards force me to make love to him.” My mother guzzled the rest of her water. And tears were in her eyes, rolling down her face. The things she had revealed I had never knew.

“Are you telling the truth?” She cleared her throat. Took a deep breath.

“I have no reason to lie. I was glad when the bastard died. He got just what he deserved. I was introduced by so many drugs by your dad. Slipped mickeys all the time in my drink. I eventually started to look forward to him doing it. It kept me from my reality.” I could not believe what I was hearing! Not to say my mother was lying at all. Because my father was four hand fulls and then some! Jeremy and I always wondered why my mother didn't get us out of the house and ran away with us in tow. That is the one thing we loathed about her! That was the thing that kept us from her. Was the fact that the couple of times she did stand up to our dad and he backed down. She never made good on her promise to leave. We were so proud of her! I mean she stood up to my father and she got in his face with no fear. Jeremy and I had started packing! And then an hour later we heard my mother moaning and yelling our dads name. We always heard them when they had sex which was very embarrassing for Jeremy and I. My mother father had no shame or discretion. We were also very aware of their open marriage and sexuality too.

“I don't know what to say. I mean....could you have told daddy no? Did you have any heart?” My mother looked over at me and gave me the “mom look”

“Was I not the only one that was there when your dad was beating my razz?” I looked away, she was right! My father abused my mother often. When she did everything he said to do and acted the way he wanted her to act. They were the loving couple! She was high on something all the time. She was drinking. She was half out of her mind. She did have sex with him as often as he wanted and my mother and father had countless sex partners! Yes they were swingers! And my father was always bringing a woman home! And when he walked in the door with one my mother would have that serious hurt and disappointed look on her face. She would instantly go to their bedroom and close the door. About thirty minutes later whatever pill she popped she would be smiling and it had chilled her out. My dad was a beast, the serious mind playing games and punishments he gave Jeremy and I were mean and at times malicious! And the few whippings we did receive from our father remained etched in our brain!

“He was a beast.”

“More than a beast....he was Satan himself. Soooo......let it be known that when your father died....I wasn't hurt and I shed no tears. I couldn't wait to come back home and throw all of his belongings out. I went and bought boxes and bags and packed everything he had except the will and the insurance papers! My mother had exhaled. And then inhaled and caught her breath. I despised him to his core. But I was in a corner I felt I couldn't get out of. He played and turned my family and friends away. His friends and people he associated with were my friends and associates. He had people watching me. I was followed by detectives.” I looked at my mother like was she serious look.
“Dad did that?” She nodded her head yes.

“He told me he was having me followed. He was very jealous and very insecure of me. I could never sleep with any other man but him. If a man looked too long or hard when your dad and I were out he flew off the handle. I bailed him out of jail many of times for being arrested from fighting.”

“This is just …..this is just so much information to process.”

“I know.”

“So why have you not said anything to Jeremy and I?”

“Because if I were you guys I would have done the same thing. I would have want nothing to do with my parents at all. I don't blame you or your brother.” Tears fell from my mothers eyes. And my eyes welled up with tears too.


As my mother had begun to tell me story after story after story with ease and no hesitation. It was like I was her therapist or something. I didn't believe she should have been telling me some of the overt sexual things she had done. But she told me all the same. It was like her telling me all of this was healing my wounds and pain hate that I had in my heart for her. My father kept my mother high and beat her like he was her pimp. He kept her wearing nothing but the best, she drove the best, she looked the best. Salons, spas, vacations, shoes, cars! My mother was the envy of their circle. When my mother got out of line he beat her and he intimidated her all the time just like he did Jeremy and I. My mother had spoke of the many nights my father came home and while he was intoxicated and my mother sleep he would rape her when she refused him sex. That she had gotten an STD from my dad a few times!


When my mother had told me what had happened with my classmate the day that we were all going to the amusement park. My dad was sleeping with my friend at that time. He and my mother were so high, well my mother was out of her mind somewhere else emotionally and mentally. My mother had told me I was out for like twenty minutes and she sat there by my side until I woke up. She watched my breathing and said she was nervous as hell. She told me that day she wanted to kill herself. And that many times she wanted to commit suicide. My mother had told me my father had many affairs with young girls. And that my father had humiliated her too many times to recall! My mother was my fathers personal love slave and hoar. I wish that Jeremy was here to hear all of this. It would open up his eyes. Story after story.


My mother had told me that she remembered a lot of my brother and I's likes and so with insurance money she slowly redecorated every room in the house. Said that she would drink for days and not get out of her bed and urinate in the bed. She didn't want to get up and use the bathroom. She just laid there. She said being in that room flooded her with bad memories. So since the room was full of foul and bad times she cared less of how it looked or smelled or if it was cleaned. It was her hell, this room was hell. But she was attracted to it all the same. She needed help!


My mother and I talked to two in the morning. We cried, we laughed as she recalled the fun times and great memories. She asked me for my forgiveness and of course I forgave her. But as I was still up after my mother had went to bed. There were all these choices that were made and that had hurt a lot of people in this house. My father was a torturer. Never did I know that my father had not only planned to kill us, his children if my mother left or spoke of anything that went on in the house! Oh how much of a demon he really was! The hate that settled in my throat and hurt. It was a huge lump! And my eyes burned with the tears that rolled down my cheeks. When our father died Jeremy and I showed up just for appearance sake. One thing I will say is my mother was insistent that it be a very brief funeral. And Jeremy and I were grateful were that. Jeremy and I knew that my mother was severely mistreated by our father. And so were we. We had just felt she was a punk and didn't have a backbone to deal with our fathers shyt. When Jeremy and I had spoke to her about escaping my mother would say yes and then punk out and subject us to more emotional and mental torture. My mother was scared that she would not be able to take care of us. We didn't understand that, all we wanted was to get out of the house. And my mother punked out in our eyes! We lived under the rule of a hardcore mean dictator that was very giving materialistic to his family that wanted for nothing. Lies!! Allll Lies! I cried and I cried. And at five in the morning I called my brother Jeremy...it was time.


I was now on my third cup of hot coffee. Drinking eight ounce bottled waters in between. Every time I had to use the bathroom from drinking so much, I looked in the mirror. And each time I did, I could see slight changes in my face. And that is why I knew it was time to speak to Jeremy.


Jeremy's cell phone hadn't fully rang twice. He picked up the phone as if he was expecting my call. Which in a way I knew that he was. I knew he wanted to know what had happened and what was going on. There was silence for awhile and then I broke down in tears. I then began to relay all of the information that had been given to me by our mother. Little by little I told Jeremy the hurt and pains she knew we knew and what we didn't know to Jeremy.


The sun had begun to come up. I was and I wasn't tired at the same time. Jeremy and I were still on the phone and him asking me question after question. Silence on his end of the phone many of times because that silence was silent tears of hurt and pain. I knew that Jeremy loved our mother. She spoiled him a bit more than she did me because he was the baby. And mainly because he stood up to our father a lot and saved my mother from some of the beatings my dad was going to give her. The many fights that Jeremy got into with our father for taking and standing ground for our mother. I was always the one screaming and trying to pull my father and Jeremy apart from each other. A life no child or anyone should have lived in a home.


I could not make Jeremy's choice he had to make it on his own. I had made the choice to let all of the hurt and pain we went through. For us to just move on as much as we could and establish something, anything that could bring us close. I had to, every time I looked in that mirror.....


After I got off the phone with Jeremy I went and took a semi cold shower. I was also surprised that in the cabinets of the bathroom was stocked with my favorite soaps and shower gels. Caress and Dove. There were lotions and everything I used when I was a teenager. My mother was truly a mother and I smiled. After I took this semi long cool shower. I got out and dried off and lightly oiled my body. I threw on some shorts and a T-shirt. Grabbed my keys and handbag and hoped in my rental and went food shopping. I was going to make my mother and I a big breakfast and I am sure

after I ate I would sleep well.


“Oh my! I haven't cooked a huge meal in this kitchen in years! You woke me up girl!” I turned around smiling at my mother. My heart was warmed. She walked over to the counter and had started picking at the fruit. I smacked her hand lightly and she withdrew it quickly and I smiled and so did she. At that very moment my mother and I hugged each other so tight and we cried silent tears with our bodies both shaking. “Mom I forgive you and I apologize for not being sensitive to what it was like for you being with dad.”

“No don't... she wiped her eyes. I ask you...well I hope that you have forgiven me.”


We ate so good and were so full! Oh my I was sleepy now more than ever! So I went to my room and my mother followed. We both laid across my bed and my mother telling me all of the good things she had been up to. She was getting counseling. And she was going to go to rehab soon. But was now feeling she didn't have to because a big weight of her problem had been bared to me. She was drinking and popping all these pills and snorting because of her relationship with my brother Jeremy and I. It was a huge angst in her heart. I was just hoping that Jeremy would find it in his heart to forgive her that would make my our mothers recovery even better. I soon felt drowsy and a lot of what my mother was speaking on I barely could retain.


When I woke up it was in the afternoon. I could hear movement in the house. Not just my mother either. I then heard voices. I sat up and then got out of bed and opened my bedroom door. When I peeped outside the door it appeared to look like delivery men of some sort. When I finally heard the front door close I then steeped outside the bedroom. I went and looked for my mother and there she was sitting in the family room looking over some papers and then I hear the doorbell ring. My mother looks up and sees me and then asked me to get the door. “It could be another delivery could you get that for me?” I nodded my head and went to the front door, and when I looked through the peephole I soon smiled and my heart melted with joy and tears started streaming. Damn this was an emotional twenty four hours! Jeremy was at the door.


I opened the door and Jeremy and I hugged each other so hard and I kissed him all over his face. He laughed.

“Where is she?” She is in the family room. I just woke up. I hadn't been to sleep since this morning.”

“What is she doing?”

“Looking over some papers I guess she thought you were some delivery people and asked me to get the door. She just had something delivered.” And just then as I looked at the front door, Jeremy and I heard foot steps approaching. I looked out of the peephole and there was a delivery man walking up so I just opened the door. When I saw the truck it looked like some furniture company. I shrugged my shoulders and told the man to hold on. I grabbed Jeremy by the hand and we walked to the family room.

“Mom it is the delivery company, guy. What did you order?” Without looking up my mom replied.

“Oh I got a new bed and paid the extra to have it delivered today. And Marcus came by and picked up some boxes of clothes I wanted to give away he has been hounding me for months. He has his own second hand shop.” My mother was now filling out some papers.

“Mom what do you want me to tell the man at the front door?” My mother then looked up and when she saw Jeremy...she sat there with her mouth open and eyes bugged out. She then put her hand over her mouth, tears instantly flowed. Jeremy walked over to our mother and sat down next to her and brought her into his arm. I was crying watching them embrace and then the doorbell rang. I forgot about the delivery guy!


How she did it I don't know and who did it, I didn't ask. All I know is that my mother had brand new mattresses which I was happy about and a lot of the boxes that had clothes inside of them that were spilling over in her closet that I had cleaned up were now all gone! All the clothes that I had folded up were put away and my mother had manged to wash the rest while I was sleeping. New lemon candles were burning all throughout the house.


I wanted Jeremy and mom to have some quality time so I let those two alone. Besides I didn't want to keep crying over and over. Let them have their moment. So I went and finally got my luggage out of the rental car. I was glad that I didn't lose any money at the hotel I had booked. Even if I had lost some money it would have been okay. I had gotten my mother back and had this wonderful and emotional breakthrough! I was no longer ignorant.


As I was in my room I was unpacking some of my clothes and hanging them up. I still had plans set up when I came back home. I had set up a couple of meetings and one a couple of friends that didn't know my situation when I was growing up. I was excited now! Jeremy had walked in to my room.

“Hey!”

“Hey.”

“How are you feeling?” I looked directly into Jeremy's eyes.

“I am still trying to marinate on everything.”

“Do you think she was lying to you?” Jeremy shook his head no.

“No I don't. I know for a fact that dad was a horrible man and that he put us all through hell. I just had no idea of the things he took her through especially getting her hooked on the drugs and drugging her. How could any man or threaten the woman that he loves? I mean I had no idea that dad told her he would kill her if she left him.”

“I believe it. The day that I packed up and left the house I knew that I would be leaving so much behind. Hurt and pain and bad memories. I cared less of what mother or you would go through when I was gone. I just knew I had to get away from here. It was crazy acting like we were a loving and very close to each other and on the inside of the house was more than any normal being could handle.”

“I hear you. And I knew when you left you didn't want to know what was going on. The many beatings I saved mom from and the many fights dad and I had. The countless times he had put me out of the house because I was taking up for mom. I, I, I....... I just had no idea that he was controlling her with threats and lies. Tears started to well up in Jeremy's eyes. How could someone have so much hate in their heart?” Jeremy was sitting on the foot of my bed. Staring off and looking at nothing really but the wall in front of him. I sat down next to him and stared at that same wall.

“I have seen some talk shows here and there or shows where women had been abused and drugged and didn't know if they were coming or going. I couldn't imagine it either Jeremy. A man threatening a wife, mother to take the kids away to never be seen. Leave her desolate with nothing. The only thing he did was made sure that he had money stashed and a ton of insurance.”

“I am sure the bastard didn't think he would die so soon leaving his empire to mom.” I chuckled.

“Yeah if he could have foreseen that he probably would have changed the will.” For some ironic

reason that made Jeremy and I laugh. And it was not a laughing matter.

“You know when dad died and the church was packed to capacity of all these so called friends and his family. The thing that pissed me off the most was that none of the people at the funeral knew who he really was. And they didn't know how he died.” I looked at my brother.

“Dad died of a heart attack.” Jeremy shook his head no.

“I didn't call you and tell you about it because I knew that it would upset you. Aunt Tammy called me and told me that mom was in the hospital and that I needed to get to her ASAP. You were in Canada at the time. Jeremy took a deep breath. Mom was incoherent and barely knew I was there. She had so many bruises on her it was past ridiculous. She lied of course and said that she had gotten into some sort of accident. But I am sure that the nurses and doctors didn't believe her. One of her eyes was swollen shut. Her top lip was busted and bigger than her bottom lip. She had a broken arm and two broken ribs. I was livid. When I left the hospital and came to the house dad was home and had two females over. All of them walking around high and naked. You could smell the liquor in the house and there was dope, pills and weed sitting on the table in the family room. I was so angry and hurt! This man had put mom in the hospital and while she was looking as if a train had hit her. He was here sexing, getting high and drinking not giving a damn what he had done to her!” I rubbed Jeremy's arm I knew my brother was very upset.
“Humph that was dad, every ounce of his selfish azz! Not giving a damn about anyone. Just himself and his lust.”

“I left and jumped in my rental car and called Tee. I told him I needed a bit of everything he had. I went online and looked up a couple of things. I stayed with Micheal until mom got out of the hospital there was no way that I was going to stay in that house with dad. When she got out Aunt Tammy and I took turns taking care of her. I really think that Aunt Tammy knew that her brother was a beast and was beating on mom. Just like us, she never said anything about it to anyone. But anytime that mom had a mishap of some sort. Aunt Tammy was there to pick up the pieces. I think it was guilt. However I am sure she didn't know about his drug life or their swinging lifestyle. Dad of course was kind and loving to mom which made Aunt Tammy and I both sick! Fresh flowers in the guestroom every morning delivered from a florist. He hired a cook and a maid. UPS or Fed X was coming to the door everyday with gifts for mom. When Aunt Tammy was there, humph dad was a model citizen. The perfect husband and father.” I scoffed at that.

“I am sure he was.”

“I found all of dads hiding places. Or so called hiding places where he kept his drugs. I replaced it all with poison. And his cocaine was pure and uncut. Since Aunt Tammy had basically moved in the house to take care of mom I knew that dad would keep himself straight. I also put pure cocaine in his favorite liquor bottle along with poison. I made sure that none of it settled at the bottom of the bottle. I knew that he was the only one to drink that brand when he was at home. I wanted him dead.” Not moved by anything my brother said I fully understood why he did what he did.

“So you killed dad.” He nodded his head.

“I told mom before I left not to drink or take any of the pills or dope dad had in the house. I gave her a strong look. It was like she knew what I was saying. Three weeks after I had left dad was ready! Hell Aunt Tammy had finally left and he was ready to party! No one knows, but dad had OD'd. It was the Molotov of drugs I had mixed up. It is all in his autopsy report all of the drugs that was in his system. That is what gave him the heart attack. Mom never revealed to anyone what that report had in it. She mailed me a copy of it.” I sat there next to my brother in awe and disbelief. My brother had made a choice. A choice that effected our fathers life and all of those who so-called loved our dad. I felt no pain nor did I feel any hate against my brother for what he had done. As my brother revealed more. He said the reasons why he stayed away was because he thought that if he called or came back home he would be arrested for murder! But he loved mom so much and knew she wouldn't leave. That doing this, taking our fathers life mom would be better off.

“You know I don't condone what Jeremy did at all. And I know why he did it. I will, we all will take this information to our graves and tell no one of this! Do I make myself clear?” My mother stated. I had no idea that she was standing at my bedroom door. We all nodded our heads in agreement.


Ding dong the witch is dead which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is dead! I could not get that song out of my head from the movie The Wizard of Oz. I remember the day of the funeral. My mother did not want the repast at the house. She told Aunt Tammy it was too much for her to deal with. So my aunt gave it at her house. Jeremy and I told Aunt Tammy that we didn't want people coming up and kissing, hugging and asking were we okay. That we didn't want to come. This really was the truth. We didn't want to be there at all! In fact when the funeral was over Jeremy and I went back to our hotel and changed our clothes and went out and had a ball! You would have never thought our father had died. Neither Jeremy nor I had shed a tear when we heard he had died. Nor did we shed a tear at his funeral. I honestly don't think my mom shed a tear either. Though she did look super fierce at his funeral. Wearing some Jackie Kennedy sunglasses keeping her eyes covered so no one could look her in the eyes. She patted her eyes here and there for a dramatic effect with tissue. But when I looked over at the tissue in her hand. It was far from damp with tears. I knew my mother was relieved her dictating tormenter was dead and gone!


I cannot explain that why I couldn't just embrace my mother after all was said and done. I just stayed away. I guess I was dealing with so much hate, lost, embarrassment and sour feelings. I just couldn't bring myself to even call my mother. And here it was five years had come and gone!


My mother was living two lives. He addicted life and her “normal” life. He addictive depressed life led her to what I had found. Her normal life she was dating and having a ball with her friends. Traveling and tripping the lights fantastic! But she would have these depressive slumps where she would drink herself to sleep and not get up for days. Lay in her own urine and not clean up. This was her choice.


Our father the con artist, manipulator, liar, cheater, hater, dictator, azzhole, faker and abuser had been dead for five years. And to be honest I didn't miss him at all. It took a while for me to even spend the money that he had left me. It was dirty money to me. It was like he knew he was wrong money, guilt money. And my conscience wouldn't let me spend it for awhile until I had hit a rock and a hard place. Though I still have a huge portion of it. But blood money for me was hard to spend. And that is what I had considered it to be. I will say that not only did my father make sure in his will that my mother would be very well taken care of. He also made sure that Jeremy and I would be taken care of as well. My father felt that materialistic and financial givings were the best way to handle things. If he hit Jeremy and I for no reason, verbally abused us. There was some new toy, clothes, bike or some trip. As we got older it was clothes and money. When he gave us gifts he would smile and be happy as if nothing he had done or said effected us and everything was made new and whole again. I can't recall the many gifts he had given my mother. She had more furs that would rival a movie star or rich woman. She got a new car every year. My mother could open up a boutique with all the shoes, handbags and clothes she had. This is why going into her closet was wild and a bit confusing for me. She had a huge walk in closet and it was so packed with boxes no one could walk inside of it.


I knew that I had to get my mind and emotions right. There was a lot of hurt that this lady has experienced. Things I would not like to recall and things that haunt me at times. A smell, a movie, picture or just a simple drive will bring up some tarnished memory from the past. And here I will sit and feel an angst that will take over me and I will get tense and upset. And this is what I choose not to do. I recall so many harsh tongue lashings, a few beatings. And far be it that I have a flashback of the many men that had tried to rape and molest me when I was a teenager. Two men were successful in molesting me. I never told anyone because I was so ashamed. Ashamed and felt so dirty! As we all had sat down and talked, my brother, mom and I. We all revealed all the dirty secrets that had hurt us and turned us ugly and weighed down on us. A lot of things were surprising, a lot of things were shocking.


But here I stand, I stand before you and tell you that your life is full of choices so choose wisely in how you make them. I beg you not to be selfish and make choices that you know will hurt and effect others. I beg you to at least be kind or walk away when you feel the need to patronize someone and be cruel and evil. If your choices effect your life only than so be it. But when they effect the others that you are suppose to nurture and love then please I beg of you to think twice! Because your choices can and are a mutha fucka!


“Just Toy”

Written Expressions

6/2013


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