You may think if you run then you are able to hide. But what are you running from? You????

I seem to live and be within that life of a nomad. A person who wants and lives for adventure. A person who can’t seem to just settle down with one person, job or house too long. And because I like “newness” it is a thrill to be in another city, state and different time.

I seem to be the person that runs through time and not treat it as if it were an enemy.  I always feel if I can taste it, if I can perceive it than I can be it and live it….

While I tend to move and groove in this world I always look for the indifferent and the different. And everywhere I go and every city I go, and all the people I seem to meet and know are all pretty much the same. You would think by now that I would have, should have learned that as pretty much as things change. Some things just remain the same. That new job seems to be full of it.  And the new people you meet on that job are not as cool and kick back as you thought. And the same isms you had at the last job seemed to have followed you here at the new job. And just as you promised yourself that you would not hang, have lunch really get to know anyone at your job.  You break that cardinal rule you start to associate with the people you work with. 

I seem to have this deep need, this deep crave to dig deep in people that I meet to see what it is that will be of fulfillment to me.  And when if I feel and know there is nothing then I lose interest in that person or thing real quickly. Sometimes my mind is swayed. But when I am swayed is when it is truly at most times when I get involved with the same thing that I was running from. 

If that makes sense.


I run away from the old, run to the new and all I seem to find is that things change they also remain the same.  My solidarity does not come from trying to be in new places and meet people. Well of course not! My comfort level comes from the aspect in a peculiar way. That I am going to get and find what I need and want when I go to different places.  Searching, searching, and searching. Is what I seem to do and get a high like some drug addict getting his/her fix?  I need that, I need that!  And so it is the wonder of seeing and being somewhere new that gets me riled up and feeling amped.

I have heard my mother speak on generational curses. And I truly do believe this is true.  You can have an alcoholic, drug abuser, child abuser, a man who causes physical trauma towards his wife. And guess what? You will see as your child gets older they may or may not do the same thing.  Learned behavior is what it’s called. 

Being consumed of experiencing something new is not a bad thing, but not when you get frustrated and angered by your present situation figuring that if you make a move to somewhere else will make it better. Now, here’s the thing.  Backbiters, users, abusers, haters, those who despitefully misuse you will always come into play no matter where you go.  And this I do know very well.  And feel that maybe I have gotten it all figured out. But not so, because I have this dream that I will meet the ideal mate in friends, lovers, and great people I can do business with. The frustrating point is, with all this starting over and this new profound awareness that you are in a different place. All true colors do shine, do come out eventually. You can only mask for so long. I guess there is just this one glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe……

And because I feel I have lived a bit of everywhere (at least to me that is) Seattle, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Brooklyn, Harlem, Bronx, Manhattan,  Atlanta, Phoenix, and Miami.  Everywhere, all the people were the same in one way or the other.  Same drama and a lot of them are having some of the same issues.  And this is the part of life that I extremely hate!  The part that frustrates me the most. The part that I feel can be left to the side and no one has to feel the negative side of this aspect.  And because of my nature, I tend to always attract people who feel that I will be able to save them.  And then I thought about it, maybe I need some saving.  Maybe the same saving or help that other people want or assistance they feel that I can provide I may need from them.  And we all seem to attract who we are on the inside.

Maybe I’m being selfish, I just hate a lot of constraints, too much of OPM (other peoples mess) I know that when we meet people we tend to step into their world just as they step into our world. However, I do not want to be apart constantly of OPM all the time.  We can share, but when I am now in the cusp of your mess where I receive phone calls, or you're at my door.  Or I am forced, right there on the spot to give up some information.

Being in or around a lot of madness and mayhem is the last thing I want or need to have around me.  Of course there are things that happen in our lives that we may consider “extra” and one might call it drama, extra, event, madness.  Whatever your choice word may be, it is what it is when we hear or have things happen to us we did not expect.  Some people are attracted to such bullshyt, not I! It is an absolute abomination to my soul and has stench of rotten food.  I loathe it, and ….well...let me stop here and let you know who I am and why I am the way I am. 

My name…. well my name just so happens to be Emotional M. High. No relation to the writer Toy High. No, I just like the last name.  And it is more befitting to the way my family is the way they think and feel.  Besides, my real name is very boring and not befitting my first and middle name.

The M in my middle name means and stands for Mental.  Now I tell you all and nothing but the truth. My mother is an extremely emotional woman. And it would indeed be safe to say that women are created to live and breathe off of emotions.  However, on that same note. My father was truly more of an emotional being than my mother.  His emotions pushed him to being very direct in his approach.  Blunt with his emotions and he showed his emotions with no retributions. 

My mother was the type of person that worked your emotions truly.  Rather that be to get on your emotional nerve and work your mental.  But she also knew very well how to manipulate your emotions to get her way. And I have seen it work all the time! 

I chose to change my last name to High because on both sides of my family they all had high ideals.  They were all busy, constructive, high-minded, had high thoughts of themselves. Always, always taking it the level of the highest high.

Now my mother seeing and knowing that she came from a highly emotional and sensitive family herself.  A family that was always on the go and always into something, well she saw and felt so many emotions. And now married to my father whom I already told you was an emotional creature.  She decided that she would give me the name Emotional, for she seen and knew what the future would hold; and give me their emotions.  But I would first experience it within my immediate family the ups and downs and the drama that comes along with doing so much.

My family on both sides were always in the middle of something and doing something.  Cheaters, liars, party goers and givers, lovers and haters.  And when you have a family that has influence with a lot of people and in many arenas, there is bound to be friction and much confrontation.  And because both sides of my family feel they are in competition with each other. They all seem to always want to outdo the other. With money, hosting a party, an event, a dinner, education, job, house, girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, vacations the whole nine.  So many uncalled for emotions and so many wonderful up and down emotions!

And all these emotions tend to work on your mental state.  And so this is where and how my mother came up with my middle name.  Because this world, this life will try and wear you down.  So much to the point of having a mental or emotional breakdown if you let it.  Great minds tend to think alike, and I must say that my family has a great and grand way to work on one’s mind state.  I have to sit back at times and marvel how they say things and people just seem to fall right into pocket.  My father, mother, a handful of uncles and aunts are deep off into the psychosis of the mind.  And they play with reverse unrehearsed psychology with people.  And so this is what I have lived and been raised around. 

I have lived in and around chaos.  And some of it has been good chaos if that makes sense…and then there of course has been the type of chaos that wears you out mentally and emotionally where you want to throw your hands up and throw in the white towel!  And with this shyt going on so much and around me all the time, I tend to crave and want calm in my life.

My father worked on my mental hard, taught me how to manipulate and get the spotlight at all times no matter what! And that people are easy to put in your back pocket. But is it that I want to do that all the time? Do I have to?  And yes is my answer. So maybe, just maybe a lot of things that go on in my life could be me. My emotional azz tends to attract the emotional and some mentally handicapped people. See my family regardless of their unfortunate good and bad dysfunctions were all givers.  And they had a tendency to enable others by giving themselves and their finances.  My mother hated to see someone hungry and not have anywhere to go. While my father hated to see someone jobless and without money, so they wanted to fix it. So here becomes my dilemma, I try to fix it.  I try to make it do what it do and fix it because this has been a learned behavior. 

Now that I am this emotional creature, this being that seems to work on the mental. This being that is always analyzing things because now I love and have studied psychology. Some things I have done on purpose, and some things I have not done just being me and all that I can be at times has created mad drama.  Had women and men acting a mad azz because they are being very emotional! Shyt!  All these damn emotions and unstable mental bullshyt for nothing!  Some of these things we can control, just that we choose not to. 

I choose at times the emotions I want to give and be around. And because now you know my background, you know a little about this person who is vexed by things that should not even walk, crawl, call, and knock on my door.  Then I do hope that you feel my pain.  I know that when you are a person who has wonderful energy about you, well you cannot get angry or upset if others are attracted to you and want to be around you.  Nooooo can’t do that, but you can be leery of the company you keep.  And because people are emotional such as myself, I am a very emotional person.  So it is very easy for me to let people come and go in and out of my life very easy. My mother asks me, “Do you love these people?” For some yes I do, and for some I do not. But if I do love them, my mother figures if it was so easy to get rid of them then I didn’t love them.  It is because I love my emotional azz so much.  That love has nothing to do with my mental stability.  Because when you vex me time and time again, I must let you go immediately!

See my expectations are high of those that I bring into my world. Those of whom I love and care for and help and though I know that I shouldn’t be that way.  I still have that high mindedness of whom I am there for. Because I am reaching high for the ultimate level of love, friendship, career, and my business. The faint of heart, the weak, the extremely emotional (haters, jealousy and insecure) cannot and will not dwell in my world. But then again, you attract what and who you are…..hmmmm.

I feel like Alice in wonderland at times, and at times I also feel like that Mad hatter that I am the one that is creating this madness and it is I that needs to back up and back away and stop playing these mental and psychological games with people which is second nature to me. It is just that easy for me. But, and I do mean but….if I have not created or fueled a fire, and all is well and smooth with me. Then all that extra shyt is not the shyt I want and need in my life. 

Is this the vicious circle of life that I have created? That I have allowed others TRY to forge in my life?  Is this what I have to look forward to in my life?  Am I going to always have this misunderstanding with emotions and emotional people like myself?  Do we ever come to a head in this mass abundance of mental confusion and emotional trauma?  Do we seek to destroy and hurt others?  Do we seek to let ourselves get in the mix of shyt that leads us into this psychological realm of betrayal?  I said a lot didn’t I?

So I guess it all boils down to me to a certain extent.  Because I am the one who is in constant search of being around the still and the quiet. The abnormal of sorts one could say.  Because if I continue to search for that semi perfect. For I already know that I will not find it, my expectations are not that high.  But they are very realistic, and if being a loner or alone at times so that I may acquire that peace of mind that state where some emotional drama is okay, but when it gets out of hand, well I gotta go! Please understand it has a lot to do with my journey, the things that I seen and been through. And it is so damn tiring when there is always some form of activity and you can always, always bet your bottom dollar that something emotional will soon erupt. And the house will be in an uproar of mental pulling. And that great high that we all are trying to gain and get to gets destroyed in the mayhem.

Warm light and caring is such an essential part of who I am Emotional Mental High. Get with that, feel that, and be that from deep within. Know that we are all emotional.  If that were not so then nothing, and I do mean nothing would ever move us or take us from our calm in life there would absolutely be no anger no love no anything. And that I will say would not be something I could or would enjoy ever.  I am not saying I dislike or hate emotions, I love them!  And I love them, I dig them seriously.  And I love the name my mother gave me.  Thinking of me, knowing what I would face in this lifetime. Is that nice? 

So what do I or you do?  Well, maybe I am including you into something that does not concern you at all. Could this be about my mental sanity only?  I smile to myself as I say this. 

All I need is to generate the love and the beautiful vibes that are meant to share. And if tears, frowns, and a lil heartbreak comes from that. Then those are the ones I can deal with.  But I am tired of searching in new places, and running into the same bullshyt, hey I am only human!  Can’t fault me for that.


“Just  Toy”

Written Expressions








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